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"The Saga of Procrastination"

Chapter 1
Don Quijote

By Iza Deleanu

Sometimes all you have to do is to close your eyes and let go. We come into this world bringing gifts from the almighty God. We bring the gift of honesty, the gift of joy, the gift of truthfulness, and innocence.

However, in the first month of life, we learn how to manipulate, and charm, and we get super spoiled. It's like in the blink of an eye our honest programming gets corrupted.

We have to blend in so we learn very fast that lying is a must, and that honesty is overrated.

But once in a couple of years, there is one of us, Don Quijote that remains true to his program and starts chasing all those beautiful gifts across the world.

We, the heroes of this new order, we make fun of him and call him names. Don Quijote undisturbed and truthful to his callings continues to preach and fight for the goodness in us.

It might take thousands of years for us to return to the beginning, but one step in front of the other. ... One Don Quijote next to each other and who knows? We might be able to see our true calling.

Chapter 2
Procrastinating

By Iza Deleanu

I'm here still fighting with my laziness. Every day I wake up with the same idea: today I'm going to start to exercise... It's been ten years since I'm "betraying" myself with this little devotional. Heck, I've never moved a centimetre toward that yoga mat. My cats chewed most of it. All I could do was stare and encourage them to finish what they started. At least one of us was progressing.

It's been ten years. My kilos are over the board. But, hey, tomorrow I will start my diet and exercise routine. What have I accomplished so far? I think I can write with my eyes grants and dissertations on how to lose it...the weight of course. So far I have managed to lose my mind and motivation. What's the point the mirror is my worst enemy.

I think there is no point to start now. Let's wait for Christmas. I will make it my new year's resolution and maybe I would manage to shed the ten years of dolce far niente.

Author Notes Dolce far niente - the sweetness of doing nothing.

Chapter 3
Murphy's Law

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

I have this strange habit of talking to myself, or better tackling myself in doing things. So, here goes! After my unsuccessful attempt to follow a schedule, I heard in the background Myself talking:

"Do you know what Murphy's Law for Procrastination is?" I asked myself exasperated.

"Yeah: to talk about a problem and think it goes away!" my ego answered.

"Well, doesn't work like that, it's not freaking magic."

"Why not? I said it, and it's gone. Just like in those AA meetings. Hi, my name is Paul and I drank myself to forget. I promise not to do it again.......not. Did you fall for that? Or like in church, hi father, I have sinned. Okay, son, if you promise not to... your sins will be forgiven!"

"No, dumb-dumb, it's not like that! The law is you said you are going to repent... and hail Mary, you did it again!"

"Oh, God save me! There is no cure for my soul."

"Hold your horses. There is a cure. The first stage is to acknowledge what is the problem."

"That's easy. I know I am freaking lazy. And it's not my fault, I blame it on the age."

"Whatever! Phase two is to write down and pin that piece of paper in front of your nose. Let's say the fridge!"

"The fridge?"

"You pinned it close to the obsession of your procrastination."

"Then I should pin it to my head because that's the problem."

"Your head? Like where in front, behind?"

"No, man, inside! My problem is inside."

"What the hell are you talking about? Should we open your head and gently place the paper there?"

"Nah! It will not help. I will still be the Master Procrastinator. You see, Ms. Judgmental, for me everything starts and ends in my head! Every day I am prophesizing: "Today we shall start exercising." So, first step book the classes. Yesterday, for example, I diligently opened the Avocado menu from YMCA, and I booked for 7.15 pm one class for Zumba and for 7.45 one class for Aquafit."

"And then?"

"Well, it's a mother fucker prophecy, it might go according to the plan, it might not. Everything is in God's hands. So, the chance of it happening is like fifty-fifty."

"Okay, what next?"

"Then from booking to actually showing up and participating it's freaking Golgotha out there! See this is the mother of all procrastination games."

'Tell me what happened yesterday?"

"You know I work from 8 to 4. On my way home, I stopped by the gym with the intention to cancel my hardly booked classes. Once I was inside, I played it by ear. There was a huge line for customer service, so I decided to use my Plus membership and do some pampering after the hard work... of doing physically nothing. You see my job is very intellectual."

" Yeah, you said it, it's all from/or the head. Maybe you should put something from the heart too."

"Ooo, but there it is."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like my kitties and my trips. Those are all from my heart, no procrastination included. I say it, I do it."

"Oh, brother, Ms. Witty in action. So, you went to the plus and then what?"

"First I checked the steam room, and of course was not working. So, I changed into my bathing suit and jumped into the hot tub, you know, to relax. Then I got too hot and decided to try my luck with the swimming pool. I know my chances were kind of slim because Tuesday to Thursday they have swimming lessons from 4 to 8 pm. But, man, I was in luck. There was a lane open for member swimming, so I launched into it. I was the only duck in that row."

"And you swam? For how long?"

"Long? Not long, I did a couple of laps?"

"How many?"

"Three or four. I was getting tired by the noise from the pool, and I didn't want to wet my hair."

" I returned to the plus area and noticed that the steaming room was working at full blast. Of course, I didn't resist the temptation so, here I am plastered on the cement bench like a chameleon and thinking that I am in a 10-star hotel all-inclusive."

"There are no 10-star hotels!"

"Well, then they should make one. I should call Sheik Al-Spending in Dubai and present my brilliant idea. Imagine this... 10-star in the desert."

"Stop dreaming, let's go back to your adventure."

"Fine. I took a shower and I looked at the clock. Damn it, 6 pm. I have one hour to kill until my class."

"Then you've stayed?"

"Nah! I remembered I had to go home and wash my hair because it was having a bad case of wash me now or you'll regret it! I just went to the front desk and cancelled my classes and went straight home."

"Mother of all pearl, you dodged the ball again."

"Hey, stop yelling at me. I had to cancel because of the weatherman. He said that a bad storm will start soon. Since I had no umbrella..."

"And you didn't want to get rainwater on your dirty hair."

"See, you got it!"

"Did it at least rain?"

"Are you serious right now? Since when do you trust the weatherman? He never gets it right!"

"So, you just washed your hair and watched TV?"

"Yeah, and also I vacuumed. Now thinking about it, did you know that I suffer from an incurable disease."

"You do?"

"Yeah! It's called procrastitis. So, I decided to never make any plans for the gym, just go, do it and brag later alligator."

"You are right, you are sick... in the head and from the head, and you just demonstrated to me that Murphy's law works like a charm on you!'

"Which one?"

"The one that says - "nothing is as easy as it looks" garnished with "everything takes longer than you think it will."

Author Notes I hope you will enjoy it. Sorry for the length:)

Chapter 4
Going overboard

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

"Oh, no, I did it again!" I said, looking sheepishly in the mirror.

"How much this time?"

"How the hell did you know?"

"Well, I know that look when you go overboard. What the heck? You just promised to take a walk before taking the Visa out."

"I swear I did, and it's not my fault that my eye appointment was scheduled for 10 am. I arrived at 8.45; you know I don't drive, so I had no idea how the bus schedule is in the morning."

"Okay, but why did you go into that mall?"

"I was cold, and I needed to use the bathroom. All the stores were closed... so I thought I was safe! Until I decided to check Canadian Tire."

"Why did you had to go there?"

"You know Adela, my friend?"

"Yeah, what about her?"

"Well, yesterday I went to visit her, and she had some extra tomato plants and flowers, and she gave them to me. And I didn't pots at home."

"Oh, brother, since when are you into gardening? Never mind , don't answe that! Okay, so you went into Canadian Tire for what?"

"I told myself that I will see how much the litter box is; my boys need new sand, and I will also look for some flowerpots. I never intended to buy anything because I was unprepared to carry those heavy items at the doctor's office."

"Then how you ended up on the spending spree?"

"No... at least not at Canadian Tire. As I was walking through different racks, I saw these cheap plant pots and something for the kitchen, and I decided to take them to the cashier with the intention to leave them for later and crossing my fingers that is impossible."

"Knowing you, probably you charmed your way out and got a sanctuary for your pots and helped Visa to shade more coins into your already overflowing debt."

"Kind of like that, but I didn't use Visa..."

"What did you use to pay?"

"My last dollars from the Master."

"Oh, brother, when will you pay that card off?"

"One day, after I finish the trip from last year."

"But this is not all, right? How much did you pay for the pots and the kitchen stuff?

"Fifty bucks. Everything was on sale."

"Your face says you spend over 1000?"

"Damn it; I can't hide nothing from you. Yeah, I spent over 1000! My new glasses with the new prescription cost me 1200, and when I returned to pick up my Canadian Tire stuff..."

"You couldn't resist, and you stopped into a store and bought some clothes you don't need but go well with your new glasses!"

"Something among those lines. I am so mad at myself. I already budgeted everything for this month and planned to start saving for that Fantasy Island, but now I am back to square one."

"What are you talking about? You are below zero, sister! I should lock your cards into a place you can't reach."

"Yeah, make fun of me that I am short."

"But we already tried that. You found somebody willing to borrow the money you needed for your extravagant shopping, aka spending habits.There is no cure for you. Are you crazy? Why do you need so much stuff? And why didn't you get those glasses that were 104 and choose the ones that are 404?"

"How the heck you know that?"

"I was there, remember? I was screaming: don't get that pair; it's too expensive. But you didn't listen. Moreover, you turn to the guy next to you to ask for his opinion. And then you said..."

"What the heck? I am working two jobs. I have no life; I deserve a pair of cool eyeglasses."

"I don't know what to do with you anymore. Nothing works! I better let you to your own devices. Hopefully, one day, you will learn. I just pray is not going to be the hard way. You better buy some cushioning for when you hit a bottom rock!"

"I know, I'm an idiot. I am very good at putting my intention on paper, but when I am in a store, I am like: "SPEND, SPEND, SPEND!" You are a cool cat; you need that!"

Chapter 5
The complainer

By Iza Deleanu

"Hi God, excuse me. Can I have your attention pleaseeeeeeee?"

"I am here. What's the rush."

"You call this summer, man? Last week I couldn't see my hands because of the smoke, and this week you are dragging me in this cold rain."

"Hold your horses, sis. When it's smoky, you want rain! When it's cold, you want Sun! When it's Christmas, you want a Hallmark snow with the bells and the carols, but then you scream it's too much! Make up your mind, 'cause I don't have time to play trivia with you."

"Wow, I do sound like the rest of the planet. Complain, complain, and blame it on Fidel. You are right. Thank you so much for the smoke. It was sooooooo good for my flowers and for my skin. I love the cold of the ash that cleanses my face and hair. And you are right. This also helps me with my weight loss program. When is cold, who wants to eat? I am not risking losing my fingers when is minus fifty-five. And the Sun, you know I adore my big brother, I am his number one fan. That's why I park in the Caribbean every December for a week to recharge my batteries. That's when I am one hundred percent chameleon. I am acquiring all the Sun than I can so I can go through the winter."

"So, are we good? Can I go back to more serious problems than the weather?"

"Yes, sir! Thank you so much for your patience. Before you go... can I ask you something?"

"Let me guess. You want me to give you le Prince?"

"Nah! Just the frog. I will take care of the rest."

Chapter 6
Blue Mood

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

"Hey, listen up, my double, today I feel strange?"

"Oh, brother, tell me something new! You bloody feel like this at least once a day. Remember yesterday you even shed a tear for "old, poor me!"

"Yeah, but I didn't complain. I said a prayer, and it went away. And you know the tears are good for my eyes. After I cry, they are greener, like the grass after a summer rain."

"Hm, for once, you spoke the truth. You didn't complain... aloud! So, what's different today?"

"I feel scared, and my back is hurting. I am looking inside me, and there is a void."

"Void? Did you have mushrooms for breakfast?"

"No! You know I am not a mushroom kind of girl, more of yogurt with blueberry type, a hint of honey, and a sprinkle of nuts."

"Oh, stop it! This is your dream breakfast. You usually have a big hip of nothing with lots of water or sometimes just blame-plainly yogurt."

"What? Can a girl not dream of being healthy?"

"Yeah, can a girl stop pretending she is a saint?"

"Oops, you are right. I am living on a more of a wanna-be like you -perfect girl than I am. Why is it so hard to stick to a program?"

"That's easy. You are like... squirrel, and here goes your focus and plan! One little deviation, and you get full gear in the trial mood."

"Fine. You got me to the dot! But still, why do I feel like shit today?"

"I think you just woke up from your rosy-cozy dream and suffered from the impostor syndrome."

"Hm! I'm not too fond of it. I want always to be Xena, who doesn't give a shit and is scared of nothing!"

"You cannot be like that girlie. You are human, and the limit is your break, so park that fear and breathe!"

"I feel so strange! Wait... I think I know why I feel like this."

"I know. You just got your sharky day mood, so there is no Aqua Zumba for you and no escape in paradise. Just go to that dreadful Zumba class in the Studio with the instructor you don't like."

"How about I just don't do that, and instead, I hike!"

"You mean you will ditch the class and do nothing?"

"No, I mean, I want to go for a walk. The fresh air and nature will cheer me up!"

"Go for it, Ms. Blue Mood!"

Chapter 7
Manana

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

"Hey, double, are you up?"

"Of course! What's up?"

"I am sick!"

"Sick of what?"

"I am getting close to the fifties, and I am starting to show the symptoms that my ex was showing since the first day of our marriage?"

"What the heck are you talking about? I was sleeping, and my mind was still trapped in that awesome dream where I was about to jump in the crystalline water of I don't remember what sea..."

"How dare you go for a swim and leave me behind, trapped in this disease?"

"Well, when you went to bed last night, you were perfectly fine, except for the blue mood."

"I am not fine. Have you noticed that with each year, I am becoming more like my ex?"

"Like what? A man in the skin of a woman?"

"Nah! I am starting to be affected by the Manana syndrome!"

"Ah, yeah, I remember every time you asked him to do something, he said, sure, tomorrow. Our friends used to call him Professor Manana! That was so funny because his tomorrow was never coming... and you always ended up finishing that job because you couldn't wait forever."

"Look at me; I said I will start learning English properly..."

"Yeah?"

"So, I got the books. I put them on my desk..."

"And?"

"And they are on my desk. End of story."

"What?"

"Yup, they sit and wait to be opened."

"Then go and open them!"

"I will."

"When?"

" Manana!"

"Oops! Now I get it!"

"Do you know what is the synonym for Manana in English?"

"Tomorrow?"

"No! It means never!"

"You mean, don't take it literally? Explain!"

"I bought these books five years ago. I've moved out, and they followed me, end of story! Did I open them? Maybe, when I was trying to teach somebody worse than me English. Don't judge; blind leads the blind kind of thing."

"Okay, so what do we do? You indeed have a degree in teaching, but can we call you Professor Manana? That title is taken? Ms. Lazy Don't Wanna Be, it's too obvious. So what do you want to do?"

"I don't know! I am lazy, and it's not my fault... it's my age!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Stop hiding behind that old fart; you are still under fifty; technically, this is the flower power to do anything! So when will you shake that lazy bone and be yourself again?"

" Manana?"

"Come on!"

Author Notes If you are okay with my broken English go ahead and read.
This chapter is part of a collection of short stories addressing things that we want to accomplish but we are too lazy to commit to doing it.

Chapter 8
Me too

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

I always have passed by that announcement on the street corner talking about lost pets, wondering how you can lose a pet, and on Sunday, I freaking become one of the "me too" movement, but for different reasons.

My inner self: "Remember how you made fun of other people's negligence? I remember you saying how it is possible to lose a pet. Why the heck did you let it roam on its own outside the house ."

Me: "Guilty as charged, but in our case, it's a mother fucker witchcraft situation. One of those aliens puffing out cases!"

My inner self: "Stop playing the victim. You knew that sooner or later, the little one would escape. He already tried to jump the fence, aka the balcony, three times towards your neighbor's balcony. The last time Teddy had to jump back and bring him home."

Me: "I know, I let myself be fooled, and my baby didn't return this time. I feed him in the morning, and several hours later... Olly was gone. He just puffed out without a trace, as Teddy, his stepbrother, was sleeping next to me without a care."

My inner self: "So, you think he just got teleported from your balcony?"

Me: "Yup, something like that! Don't forget that I had purchased a bird net to keep my kitties for playing Superman and lunching out from the 11 floors."

My inner self: "Yet, still, one of them managed to jump the fence... or maybe some witchcraft is involved. They did this before but always come home. What the heck happened this time?"

Me: "It beats me, bro! I am devastated; This is the third day since he is out of sight, out of mind! I prayed and cried. I am a bad mom! I was supposed to save him, and I did it only for two months. Now it is gone. He is too skittish to survive on his own! I feel like dying. I cried a lot when I decided to leave my ex, but this is my baby. Today I can't take it. I just did what everybody does when they don't see the way out and are out of prayers."

My inner self: "What did you do behind my back?"

Me: "I... drunk a bottle of 250 ml of rum punch! I feel like I've lost hope, so I try to escape and forget!"

My inner self: "What? Did you try to pretend that you are in Cuba right now?"

Me admitting sheepishly: "Yup, that's what I tried to do. It's hard to admit that I am part of the "me too" movement. Yesterday and today, I put up posters with his sweet face. Now I am so drunk that I can barely talk."

My inner self: "Oh! Stop it! You are a lousy drinker. You drink one glass, and you are done. You look like you've drunk a whole bottle."

Me: "Sorry, bro, I am just tipsy. Now I've changed my tune. Since I am such a bad mom, I pray that whoever finds him will provide a better life. In the meantime, I am stuck with Teddy in a grieving trance and a "me too" self-pity party."

Author Notes On Sunday, my kitty went missing from my home or balcony. Although "lost" is a strong word, I am heartbroken and had a pity party today.

Chapter 9
The stages of grief

By Iza Deleanu

Have you ever wondered what a human smile hides? What is behind that" I am fine" generic answer? The mouth says fine, but the eyes are telling another story. How many of us had hidden under the politically correct answer:" I am okay, don't worry!" Tears flood when that person turns their back, covering every inch of that pretend "Don't worry, be happy!" slogan. I have been there and played this game unsuccessfully because my face cannot play very well the poker role. My soul has this rare curse of making a life and death matter; maybe it is my ethnic DNA- Romanian. When Romanians struggle with a strike from fate, they either dance and sing or hide and cry a river. When I was young, I used to do a combination of both, but mostly the first part. As an adult, I added a "cleaning" in between. When something terrible hits me, first, I fall into depression for a couple of days or years, depending on the tragedy. I hide inside myself and grieve. Then I start praying for a way out because I want to kill that depression with a ray of hope. I want to add some optimism.

Writting helps, of course. In the last stage, I dance until I fall on the floor. Then I pick up the piece and clean my house as a lunatic. Nowadays, if I can, I throw a travel plan in the middle. This is my secret ingredient for a fast recovery. In the last stage, I am trying to leave behind the "would've, should've, and what if," and I am replacing all of these possible scenarios with it was for the best. It was for the best that my dad passed away, and God spared him the horrible end that the cancer had in store for him. It was for the best that my first cat Pisa went to rainbow heaven because her disease had no cure, and she was suffering. The good thing is that she decided to go on her terms and spared me the awful decision of putting her down. It was for the best that I left my husband, God has a plan for me, and I just finished the part where I had to save him and show my ex that there is still life after you got cancer and beat it! Now my last blow... my little Olly. I still don't have "it was for the best excuse." I just finished cleaning my house and am trying to leave behind that "what if I could've saved him despite the doctor's diagnosis."

God gave me Teddy as support, physical and emotional. I need to move on for him. He cannot survive without me. So I will do some cleaning and cooking, walk his royal ass in the floor hallway and supervise him as he goes on the balcony. You know, just routine stuff from the life of a cat. I know he is missing his brother as much as I do. So, what's next? I must work it out, pay the vet bills, and move on with God's grace. These are my stages of grief, Romanian style.

Chapter 10
The death of the cheerleader

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

After I heard the news, I went home and just shrugged my head. "How can I now face God? How can I keep my faith? This is strike number two!"

My alter-ego: "Really, pussy cat! Are you going to go Saul on me now? So, what! You didn't get what you wanted. You thought that you were a mother fucker prophesier. You were neighbors with Baba Vanga, but you ain't got her gift!"

Me angry: "Leave me alone! I don't even want to hear from you! I'm grieving, and I need my space! And yes, I'm like Saul now! I lost it, or I am lost a little beat. I wish to be Abraham, but I need some to shake this sorrow off!"

My alter-ego:" So what the heck happened to the mighty Cheerleader? Where is the one that always said God did this for me? God helped me with that.... Was it God's will?"

Me: "I guess I am showing my true colors. I think that is what you want to hear, right?"

"Not really, but tell me more!"

"I promised my friend I would pray for him to win the custody battle. I went to church and prayed for it, and it didn't happen. Then with Olly, when the doctor called initially to tell me that he might make it... I was stubborn and ignored the warnings that things might go wrong once they did the surgery. I told the doctor; you will save him. I have faith. God sent him back to me for a reason! But my prayers went in vain, and my confidence is gone. I will renounce my role as a Cheerleader and let go of that role of being an ambassador of God. I am not worthy. I will keep myself and my beliefs to myself, thank you very much!"

"What? No more praises to the Almighty?"

"Not in a loud voice. I think I have my right to be shaken. I need to hit pause... I need to find myself again. I need to let go of Saul and believe with all my might that there are better things up there. Frankly, I will never be ready to play Abraham's part! I am one of the weakest humans who got stumbled by God's will and refuses to accept and let it go."

"Are you going dark now?"

"No! I cannot afford that! I need my faith; without it, I am nothing. But I need to see the light right now. And it is so freaking raining!"

"I know, rain makes you go all "Poor me, what a tragedy!" You should be grateful. You still have a job, a roof over your head, and another cat to care for. Your friend is going to see his son more than before. And God sent you, Olly, for a day to say goodbye. Olly will be watching over you and Teddy, so let him go now."

"Now, I should be grateful when you put it this way. I am not in such a bad position; compared with Abraham, I am much better. Damn it! I was so blind!"

"Wait, what just happened? Has the lightning struck you?"

"Yeah. Kind of! God answered my prayers, but not in the way I hoped..."

"So, are you still going to be a cheerleader?"

"Nah! I will be a true believer and cheer my God in... silence. I will cheer him in my heart. I never want to hear this: "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute Me?"

Chapter 11
Dis-harmony

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

"How did I fall for the myth of Eldorado again?"

My old Shadow: "What? What happened this time? Who put you on the wrong side of the fence?

Me: Well, since I am officially single, I thought to listen to the fairytales of online dating.

"Not again! That's how you got in trouble the first time."

"I know, but I thought maybe the second time is a charmer..."

"First, you must be a charmer and then do the cobra dance."

"Cobra Dance? You know I can stand snakes."

"How can you? You married one. At least according to the Chinese zodiac. Snake and rabbit, pfu, you stayed alive for too long, girl."

"Well, I am out from the snake coils, so what's next? What works for others doesn't work for me. And the stories I heard about eHarmony... perfect match, the best! I don't know, man. I have no clue. The offering is so lame, or maybe I must be happy with some leftovers perfect for my age and state of mind!"

"Knowing you, you better stay hungry than commit to that!"

"Maybe I am not made for this. Maybe I should forget and enjoy what I have and what I am. Who needs a man when you have two beautiful cats?"

"Is this the fable of the fox, that when doesn't reach the grapes, she says are sour?"

"Do you mean this one? "A fox, almost with hunger dying,
Some grapes upon a trellis spying,
To all appearance ripe, clad in
Their tempting russet skin,
Most gladly would have eaten them;
But since he could not get them,
So far above his reach, the vine?"
'They're sour,' he said; 'such grapes as these,
The dogs may eat them if they please!'
Did he not better than to whine?"

"Exactly, that one!"

"I could improve at this! I have high expectations."

"Well, why don't you come back to earth first? If you want to find true love, you must learn to love yourself and, most importantly, to accept and recognize your weaknesses, too! Before you ask for the sun and the moon, see if you can get them on your own on all fronts, not just the traveling portion. If you want to look good, instead of talking about it, start a workout routine and keep it no matter what? Why don't you get down from that high horse, start looking into the mirror, and finally accept your true self!"

"I will try, but I want my money back! Let's forget online dating, which looks like a silly kids' game. Likes and messages, what the heck are we back in school?"

"Well, if you are so frustrated, cancel the damn service, and leave everything in God's hands. Enjoy what you have and find a psychologist to overcome your fears. Talk them to death if you have to. This is the only way to get your real self back."

Chapter 12
Fell for it on repeat

By Iza Deleanu

"Man, I felt again for that all trick, love is harmony, lost my mind in 3 days tops!"
"Nah! Are you crazy? Or what? You said you canceled the damn service!" said my faithful angel.
"I did, but they are still taking my money for two more months, and when I almost closed the door, here come the interloper!"
"Don't tell me sweet cheap tricks!"
"Yup, sweet indeed. Right words and frequency buzz buzz in my head and heart. My mind told me, hey, stop, it's too nice to be true!"
"And?"
"And, yeah, she was right, and I was wrong. To calm my stupidity today, I just went to the botanical garden and lost myself in the mist."
"What mist, crazy women?"
"Well, they created a fake mist to make the orchid exhibit more interesting!"
"But what did you do?"
"Well, I found a bench and cried in silence and blamed myself for my stupidity. I have not learned a thing! I gave up. I have no idea how to find trustworthy and honest love, so damn it! I am done! Basta! No more cheap tricks! Hasta la vista, baby!"
"Oh, I cannot believe you always chose the ones that are far away and promised you the sun and moon. Okay, calm down, it was all on a chat, so you just got a little bruise. Shake it, and move on! As your friend said, you must kiss many frogs before you get the prince!"
"Nah, no kissing, not my style. Talk it out and move on!"

Chapter 13
Searching for wisdom

By Iza Deleanu

People and dreams are chasing each other day and night. Little illusions spark occasionally, creating a short union bursting out like water balloons. The people always promise they will be good if they get what they want... and the hunt starts again. The dreams float, flashing different titles: power, financial comfort, love, youth, riches, and people are falling for the flashy little bubbles. They always want the easy way out, but the game is more complex; more and more obstacles are raised with each wish. Other people chase the fish in the water, searching for the golden fish that will give them at least three wishes from each pond.
People and dreams, circles and wishes bumping like blind stars.

Chapter 14
Current of change

By Iza Deleanu

As I was walking through the valley of shadows and despair, my alter ego interrupted my reverie, screaming: "Can you feel the current?"

Awake, I am pushing through my misery. "What the heck, bro! I am trying to catch some snooze and snuggle with myself. Let me be!"

"Wake up, no time for snuggles. Do you feel the current?"

"What current, whacko? Water? Electricity?"

"No, the current of your sad life."

"Yeah, thanks for getting me back on track. It's gloomy, with a spike of misery and self-pity. Happy?"

"Snap out of it! I am tired of this refrain. You sang this song for more than forty years. Let it go! Just feel the damn current, and open your eyes."

"You mean the TV? I don't need to. I know in the south is war number one, old news, and now we have a mini-war in the east or somewhere there... and this is old too. Those guys have been killing on repeat for so many years. They got jealous and wanted to take the spotlight and push war number one in the blind lights. And that's new for my lifetime; Canada and India are "diplomatically" at each other throats. Our neighbors across the pond are electing/slamming a new president. Did I miss something? Oh, wait, there was an earthquake in Morocco a few days or maybe a week ago."

"No, I don't care about politics and natural disasters. All I care about is you."

"Gee, nice! You are the only one! I lost this battle. I don't care about myself anymore. I keep making the same mistakes on Mother Fortune repeat. So, I am immune; no matter what I choose, I end up buried under the same Muprhy Law... you know, doing the same s...hit and expecting a happy ending. So, keep your damn current to yourself. I lost my capacity to care. From an optimist, I became a fatalist. I am a pro at self-pity and poor MEEE advertisement. Would you take me home? So I don't care. I am like a bird:"Goddddddd, feed me! God, provide shelter!" I am all bare necessities just like Baloo."

"Stop it! Can you feel the damn current from the hallway?"

"Yeah, but it's been there since we moved in! Take a blanket and cover that crack from under the door. Then you can snuggle and let me sleep. I was dreaming of Pura Vida, and you crushed my party!"

"No, can you feel the current of change?"

"Yeah! It's snowing, which means winter is here, and maybe world war three will start soon, but I have a bargain with our Father to postpone it until I am back from Honduras in spring."

"Got you! You do care about one thing!"

"Yeah, if you are talking trips, you got my attention. Yeah, I feel that current more like an urge to see all I can before it's gone!"

Chapter 15
Constellation

By Iza Deleanu

My one and only, my only soul, don't leave me hanging there by the door. Wow, look at me, my alter ego. I am healed. I can write something... lyrical.

My alter ego; "You mean something hilarious because I don't get the context. Have you fallen off the bed? What's this euphoria? Have you found a resolution to your malfunctioning heart? Should I show you my resuscitating skills?"

"No need! I am okay today. I've seen the light!"

"You mean, the winter gave you the frozen "finger," and now you are hallucinating?"

"True, winter gave me the creepies. But this is not what life is about. I talked to my friend, and indeed, I got a resolution."

"Okay, let's hear it, 'cause I'm intrigued!"

"I need to make peace with my ancestors and those who hurt me in my past. This is the only way to break the spell."

"You mean speaking to the death? Literally?"

"No, I just need a candle and time. I will call on them, recognize their existence, and ask them to help me heal and cut all those complicated lines that keep me afloat. With the risk of drowning, I need to let go!"

"I will start counting. All this euphoria will keep you three days tops, and you will come to me with your tail between your legs."

"Hey, I don't have a tail. That will be Teddy!"

"That's okay, you can borrow it to prove me, right!"

"You are such a sour loser! Why can't you support me in this?"

"How can I? I am the voice of reason, and what you told me is absurd. Next time, you will talk to me about constellation."

"Actually, they are part of the healing process..."

"Get out of here. Call me when you are sober!"

Chapter 16
Magic dating

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The mother fortune of all dating sites, how have I let myself be dragged in this scam. Everything is perfect on paper. You complete the quiz, and the offers are coming, especially when you pay. The proposals should be more interesting. But brother, it's hard to find something "suitable." The matches on the paper said nothing when you look at the picture... is a different story. I wondered what the heck I was doing there. I just got myself in the stupidity circle listening to advice from people who have already been burned on the site, and why not let somebody else get on the fryer. I may be expecting too much, but why shouldn't I? I am here for the better, not for the worse! After two weeks, I am two hundred and sixty dollars short, and now, since I can find what I want, I am having good laugh since I paid for it.

So here it goes. I was sitting in front of the computer, and they sent me many pictures of different individuals who supposedly were my best match. Okay, and now, what? Everybody is waiting for the other person to make the first step. So you stay for another month and lose another two hundred, and the games continue! Some say they are searching for "a normal person," bro, who's normal nowadays.

I hit the wall because my profile says that I am bold, well, I am not as brave as initiating the conversion. Blame it on my education. In Eastern Europe, the guy is the one who makes the first step. Here is my profile: "People who know me well would say that I'm someone who never gives up and always looks on the bright side. I like to take tranquil walks in natural surroundings and write in my leisure time. It's crucial to me to coexist peacefully with nature and to keep exploring my inner self through spiritual pursuits. While I may be reserved at times, I'm also capable of being daring. I can be both classy and grounded simultaneously." Kind of lame, right? And kind of desperate... yeah, pick me, I am your golden... fish, not! Wait a minute! Of course, nobody picks me. I am not available, damn it! My perfect match is meeeeeeeeeee. We are "harmony". What a shitty tragedy!

Here I've said it! "Now I feel better."

Chapter 17
The cobra

By Iza Deleanu

"Gee, I did it again! Should I say, yup, that's my freaking fate to get the "best bosses" in town!"

My shadow came in running: "What the heck, I was trying to get my beauty sleep. What happened?"

"Nothing! I don't get why you show up every time I throw a towel?"

"Hm! Maybe it's because I'm not too fond of towels trashed on the floor. You know, it is not very hygienic!"

"Well, I was speaking figuratively. I am just fed up with this charade! Whenever I think I finally got THE JOB, I end up in the same trash with my wings clipped. WHYYYYYYYYY?"

"Why are you crying? Just play ball!"

"I've tried. But I can't pretend anymore... I run out of steam. Like, what the heck am I a child?"

"Why?"

"You know I take the bus to work, and today it was late because of the construction. So I was four minutes late. The Cobra was waiting by the door and, showed me her watch and barked: "You are four minutes late!" Yeah, I know kiss me... "

"Did you tell her that?"

"No, of course, I am a coward. You know my excuse: I have kitties to take care of, and winter is here... Edmonton is not a city of sun and fun in the winter. I don't need Everest; I can freeze and die right here under the stars when it is minus forty-five!"

"Let it go! Pray and let it go! Bring your worries to God, and he will find a way; don't worry."

"Okay, I will try... one more time... one more day?"

Chapter 18
To date your mother

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

I came home crying and shouted in front of the mirror: "That's it! No more attempted murder and no more putting myself up there for anybody. Dating is not for me. I am such an idiot to consider that I am dealing with mature and honest people. But not much luck, clearly, lots of drama in this Game of Thrones... and you know winter is coming. According to that profile, everybody is an athlete because they exercise at least 4-5 times a week. When do you have time to date and possibly start a new life? My advice to you, buddy, is to stick with what you know, so kill the gym, walk your dog, and stop pretending you are here to meet the ONE. I wonder why people are signing up for these bullshit apps? Do they want to feel good about themselves since Facebook is free? Why not pay for a service in which you can lie through the teeth that you are cultivated and in brackets - full of you know what.. that thing that gives you wings! Nice profile, Johnny boy, you are all I've dreamed off... of course on paper? You are full of shit. I know some people reading these lines will say that I am bitter because I couldn't find what I need, but hey, I know exactly what I need, and the conclusion is that it doesn't exist, so I better stick to what I know. I am the queen of sarcasm, it suits me and it gets the job done.

Word of advice for any other lost soul who is searching for their soulmate on those apps: when you meet someone, ask them for their ID so you don't have surprises. For example, one guy said he was 51, and then when he accidentally opened his wallet, he was my mom's age and didn't even remember his own birthday. You know, 8 March in the text message was the same as 2 March on the driver's license. It makes you wonder, are you for real, bro?"

Chapter 19
The Scammer

By Iza Deleanu

Love is in the air... Do you remember that song? Nowadays, love is a rare thing. People are confusing love with a way of making a quick buck. I know I wrote about this before, but I cannot stop. I have to share this funny story. Ladies and gentlemen, a new scammer is posing as the charming prince in the house. The Nigerians did it again; they moved from the rich relative to the rich Latino lover. Last week, I returned from vacation and received a strange message on Messenger. A guy I had never met was sending me a friend request. The first sign that something was wrong was Eddie James Morgan's name.

I checked his Facebook, and it was a white guy in his late forties with a beard who supposedly was widowed with two kids and was living in Madrid, and of course, he was an orthopedic doctor. Like, who is putting their profession on a Facebook page? There was one picture with his fake kids, two with him making a smoothie, and one playing with carrots. Also, what kind of name is that. I wanted to see what this new scam is about. So, the first question he asked me was what my name is.

Duh! You found me on Facebook, so you already know my name. Then he told me he was from New Jersey but lived in Madrid, was single, and had two kids. Then he changed his story and said to me that his wife died giving birth to his son Travis. Bro, too much information. Then, he ordered me to install Google Chats. I told him that I was not taking orders or installing anything. He sent me the link multiple times. Fortunately, I was not born yesterday, so I refuse to play that game. He said that he was going to treat me like a queen. I told him I was a queen already, so I didn't need him for that.

I told him wanna talk? Give me your phone number. He had no choice and sent me a phone number. I googled the code, and guess what? The phone was from Nigeria. I blocked his profile, but not before I confronted and told him to keep his lies in line. He said that he was in Nigeria before and has kept his phone number the same and that he is now in Yemen. Wow, you just told me that you live in Madrid. Of course, after I had a good laugh, I blocked him. Next, the same guy with a different name tried to approach me, but I could smell a scam, so I checked his profile on Facebook. Funny, on December 22, he checked out in Hawaii and Nigeria. Wow, he must be good friends with Aladin and use his magic carpet to be in both places simultaneously.

Chapter 20
The frog

By Iza Deleanu

As usual, I had a revelation, and I was walking in my room, avoiding the winter, and finally decided to "show off" on my doorstep." To frog or not to frog?"

My faithful ego chimed in: "Wow, this is new. What are you, Hamlet, now? And what did the frog have to do with you?"

"There is nothing to worry about your pretty face. I am just thinking "aloud."

"Well, share it with the class; maybe I can help!"

"No, this time you cannot... You know my friend found her true love on a dating app?"

"Yeah, Victoria? What about her? Does she have a secret to share?"

"Yup! She said she had to kiss many frogs until she found the prince."

"And? As far as I know, you are old-fashioned, and the no-kissing business is part of your strategy!"

"Yeah, you know me damn well. I don't care about any prince anymore. Even if I have the smallest feet in town, I tire of playing Cinderella. Why do I need a princess to save me? To save me from what? Can anybody save me from my true self? Am I bitter? Nope, I am more sour; yes, I love lemons."

"Now, jokes aside, I think you spoke the truth. First, you must love yourself, and then the rest will come. You are drowning in sarcasm right now, and no sane person will resist your poison."

"After my last trip, I understood that I am not in the state of mind to let anyone approach me... and I think that you know who... are just scared mice that play the macho man figure."

"Okay, so what do you want?"

"I want peace of mind, and I want to dance! All I want is to laugh, write, and travel."

"Hm! With what money?"

"I don't know. I am working on it!"

"So no froggie business?"

"Yacs, no way, Jose. I am scared of frogs."

Chapter 21
Joy to the world

By Iza Deleanu

Joy to the world, a new year found me, hopefully, wiser and happier. The first day of the year caught me up in the air. This means that in 2024, I will travel... hopefully a lot. Oh, boy, I am so cheap. The key to my heart is coming through an exotic trip. I don't know what happened to me when I was there. I feel transformed like I am a different person. All my worries and my physical pain are erased. I am just sitting there in the sunset and chanting my gratitude to the Almighty for allowing me to be there.

On day two, I decided to do something crazy, so I joined a bachata class. I am not good at this, but who cares? I had fun making my own style and also learned about the origin of this dance, which apparently came from the Dominican Republic.

On day three, Mary had an appointment with the vet. I don't want to talk about it.... it's a standard procedure that all kittens go through if they don't want to be parents. I am not in Romania, where I could let her be free; I must obey the rules and regulations here. Also, I wasted my day listening to different horoscopes. Man, I am going to be rich, famous, and loved. But I already know that if I don't work for it, it will not happen.

I did learn something new today: "Count your blessings, child, and keep your plans to yourself." Tomorrow, I have a busy day. I have a bank appointment... hopefully, I will get a loan to kill my debt, and also, if I wanna be rich and loved, I need to work on my looks, so I have a hair appointment.
Also, I must shake off my laziness and start studying in advance. As usual, I got caught up in two classes, one out of my comfort zone. So, I have a year of Pura Vida, mi amour! Bring it on; I AM READY!

Chapter 22
Self-made

By Iza Deleanu

Help, we are invaded! So many homemade preachers and workers of light have inundated our existence. There is a recipe for anything and everything. If you're trying to lose weight, there are many options available. You can try wall squats to help tone your inner thighs. If you want to increase flexibility in your outer thighs, some exercises can help with that, too.

Are you curious about your future? Tarot card readings can provide insight, with some offering a free preview before charging a fee. Many self-taught courses claim to bring abundance into your life if you're interested in making more money. However, it's important to be aware that many people try to profit from our ignorance by promoting unproven novelty products. But what do they have in common? They encourage a static world; you can achieve anything from the comfort of your home.

You don't need to go to the gym to get the perfect body. All you need is a chair or wall; you need a room and motivational words for spiritual healing. In other words, we are promoting anti-social and self-sufficiency. All you have to do is close your eyes and make a wish... and your life will improve. I felt this, too. Blame me; I am a human. You should see my subscription list on YouTube! But, one day, I realized I missed the most crucial ingredient: God's blessing and hard work. Hm, perfect body... for my mirror! Money, to look at them but not spend them because I will miss them again. And the worst one: you will find the love of your life, your soul mate. That was such a bulllll! Could the love of my life be my cats? Then I am healed cause I have two: one for my feminine side and one for my masculine side, and in the middle is me... the fluid entity. No wonder, with so many options, I was always confused and needed help figuring out what to choose. It's like my free will is gone. And I am floating in a continuous state of indecision!

Author Notes information overload

Chapter 23
What I am not

By Iza Deleanu

When I was little, I wanted to be a flight attendant. In my mind, I was going to travel and see the world. When I started flying, I realized that I would've hated it. I am short so that I would've been no help with the "overhead bin" which in translation was way above my head complimentary service. What is a flight attendant? Well, it is that unpaid and untipped server. "What can I get you? Would you like tea or coffee?" you already know the drill. And the only travelling you get is from your airport to the hotel and back.

I am not a teacher, even if officially I have a diploma to prove it. Another dream of mine was to be a teacher, but I only liked literature, so after graduation, I jumped at the chance to be a librarian. This profession brought me closer to what I like to do: write funny (at least in my mind) and unconventional stories and travel worldwide with my imagination. I did this profession for ten years, then moved to Canada and started all over.

In Canada I got an official designation as a library technician backed up by different certificates in records management, human resources, and privacy. Am I doing what I like? Yup, sometimes, but not as a librarian. I choose the records field more boring, but very "rewarding" For me with my crazy life style, the "money" is everything goes because I need them for my trips.

What would I want to be and do? Well, I want to be a guide. You know that guy that talks to crowds about dull ruins. Should I wait until retirement to do it? Hell, no! I had a dream and came so close to making it happen. You see, in 2013, I was in Cuba, and on the 31 of December, I decided to take a trip to Cayo Largo and wonder of the worlds, the bus was full of Russians, so the guide spoke only Spanish and Russian. I told him I didn't have any need of translation since I understood both and could do the English part for a group of tourists from Norway and Belgium. You know help a fellow guide in need kind of thing!

Moreover, once on the island, after a glass of mojito, I become "fluid" in ... French! So, I started to translate whatever the Cuban guide was saying in French. Needless to say, at the end of the trip, I got tips from the groups not speaking Spanish or Russian, and also got a job offer as a guide. Damn it, I should've taken it. Now, I could've been eleven years in the job, and I also I could've got enough information to start my own traveling /writing career. In conclusion, I am sticking around for a few more years during this boring records job (for some), but I will keep my eyes open for a chance to start a travelling/writing careers. I hate influencers, but what if I become one in the travelling world?

Author Notes This story was inspired by a comment made by RicMyworld, thank you:)

Chapter 24
Meet up

By Iza Deleanu

"I lost it! Helppppppp!" I said, crying in the arms of my faithful shadow.

"What now? What's the ruckus? What happened now?"

"I lost my inspiration. I should've posted something every day to keep the flow going."

"Damn it, Iza, you know that you don't write like that! You write when something catches your eye. Otherwise, you are tabula rasa! You write nada! How do you expect to be inspired when the only thing you do is work, work, work... and school!"

"Not true! I do ... have some other interests!"

"Like what? You are trying for weeks to join that Tango class and failing miserably because you are too chicken to go in that area of the city that is cataloged as "unsafe?"

"Well, I know I suffer from a bad case of laziness! You know it's to late and I have to hang around my work place for two hours if I want to attend... and if I go home ... well end of story. But you see, yesterday I joined that group from Meet Up in Capilano! You know it's the other side of the city."

"Yes, you did go. Thank God for your friend who gave you a ride; otherwise, it would have been another no-show situation. By the way, what do you say about that group?"

"Honestly, if I want to laugh, I can just look at myself in the mirror and do it for free."

"Why?"

"Well, I was supposed to meet other people..."

"And?"

"Well, there were other people. I called it the clan of the unfitted. And the place they chose.... oh, God, so depressing! I was expecting nice colors, music, flowers and, you know, some happy place. But... Have I told you that I prefer ... Cats?"

"But? What? Cats? Did they had cats?"

"Noooooooooo! But ...Well, I felt like stepping out in time in a very dull building. All black and unlighted, I was waiting to see some spiderwebs falling from the ceiling. And the group... mmm, such a variety of people trying desperately to fit! I don't even know why I am trying. I guess I just needed that check mark on my to-do list that the psychologist gave me. Number one: "Meet new people!" Checked! I met "people" and gained zero wisdom! Next!"

My Shadow pretending to overlook my rant: "What about you? Did you fit?"

"Yeah, I was the freaking clown at the end of my table... did some Stand Down comedy, you should have seen me. I was brilliant, they laughed at every word that was coming out of my mouth! So, I kept my bargain. I showed up, made a fool of myself to please the crowd, and finally, I pulled out a Cinderella number!"

"Cinderella number?"

"Yeah, you know that thing. Now you see me, but now you don't! When I got bored and ran out of jokes, I screamed, "Retreat" and disappeared!"

Chapter 25
Overkill

By Iza Deleanu

Saturday 8:00 am I decided to hit the gym... literally! Around 8:10 am I jumped in the swimming pool and got myself some aqua.. fit, baby! Then ran to the Bar class, for the 9.00 am shift. Hey, don't you think I went drinking, oops it was a BARE class, some kind of aerobic and ballet. Well, once I was a ballerina... kind of, until I lost the rehearsal days and I become a gangsta, or better said a MC Hammer fan. I got the "can't touch this!" to perfection, the only people allowed to touch me, are of course my kitties! Anyway, I found this class very intense for my non-existing level of fitness. If you want to get out of comission, I highly recommend this class. You can be crippled in no time. Somehow I managed to got through it, don't mind me limping. Then, I decided to do some yoga to soothe my pain. My favorite position in Yoga is the Savasna, for those who don't know, it's that one where you are allowed to snor-snor, faking deep-meditation, I am just zooming out. After that, I jumped into a zumba class and then into a Learn to Dance, where of course started waltzing. I did, what I call it a overkill: "assisted suicide", pardon me, I meant assisted exercise from 8:10 am to 2:00 pm. Mind you, I am thinking to make this my weekend routine, because I need to get in shape... well any other shape except the "Mary goes round and round" figure of speech!

Well, today I am still suffering from that Barre class, in fact my "ass-ets" are hurting.

Since I am out off school for two weeks now, and I don't know what to do to with myself, I decided to gym-it out. After, all I am paying an arm and a leg for this membership. And by the way, I lost my second job. They called me a racist, my only comment was :"of course, my horse, since I am white, I am by default!" I guess, they didn't like my answer. I think I am going to start a me too not so original party : "white has rights too, movement!" It's funny, when you don't want to fulfill any crazy request, you automatically are labeled as racist... by another "racist"... that funny enough is white like snow, so please explain me, what am I missing here?

So, if I am gone with the wind again, probably I am recovering from my workout. My new motto: "gym or die!"

Chapter 26
Jumanji

By Iza Deleanu

We found the cave and stepped into another dimension...

"Damn, I was hoping to find the treasure, but there is nothing, just a boring old cave. I can't believe I found zero water, and I am so thirsty!" said Jonna.

"Calm down. Can you take a leap of faith and give it a chance? What? We walk only for a few meters, and I am sure we will find water and the treasure. What the heck? I've paid a fortune for this map. So, let's recap. We have a map?" Elaine took his hand and tried to distract him.

"Yup, we do!"

"We got a cave?"

"Hm! Looks like it!"

"It's deep and bare?"

"Yup! Looks like it!"

"So, what should we do?"

"We should turn around and try again; we just jumped into the wrong story.

"Okay, let's go back and try again."

And so they went! Hand in hand, they decided to take that leap into the unknown and jump into the waterfall.

They woke up, and both screamed: "We found the cave!"

Elaine stepped in and exclaimed: "What the heck, we are inside an hourglass!"

The giant took the hourglass and gave it a firm shake. The two humans landed on the bottom, and the sand covered them. With the last breath, Jonna whispered Jumanji?"

Chapter 27
All the single ladies

By Iza Deleanu

Wow, I am surprised by how stupid a man thinks a woman is. Just say that you are single, and suddenly, they all shade their wives and kids and declare themselves single only to have a chance with you. Like what, does my forehead say single and desperate or "come in it's open for new adventures"?

Let me relate to you my involuntary adventure in the land of unsolicited relationships. Last week, I went to Costa Rica to spend my winter holiday in a sunny spot with a happy margarita in my hand, and from the moment I stepped into the country until the moment I left, you should have seen how the guys were reacting to the fact that I am traveling alone. Suddenly, they all wanted to buy me a drink and show me the real Costa Rica. I guess so far I have just traveled on the fake side, and they were treating me like I was born yesterday. I explained that I was okay on my own and didn't need a knight in shiny armor since I was traveling to a resort, and the transfer from the hotel to the resort was included. As for traveling in the country, bro, I use professionals bound by the hotel policy to guarantee the safety of the tourist, and they are also official travel agencies endorsed by the hotel. So you see, I am safe.

It's funny how we all want what the other one has. The Costa Ricans want to move to Canada, and I want to find a job and live in Costa Rica. At least that was the idea, but then I realized I would be living in paradise but not touching the paradise. Let me explain better. I will be working from 9 am until 6 pm, seven days a day in the high tourist season, so how would I do my swimming and traveling when I am bound by a job to "smell the roses" and not touch them, if you know what I mean? So, I am reporting back to Canada. I had a wonderful vacation, and God saved me from the macho men, starting with the driver and ending with the tour guide.

I am safe at home and starting a new year, laughing at all that happened last year. So, I met other single ladies from Europe who were more adventurous than me because they traveled on their own in an unknown country not using official hotels and landing every night in a different city. Frankly, this is not my style; I am an all-inclusive girl, and I like the safety and glamour of a resort where I can disappear among the crowd and enjoy my dreams at the shore of my beloved ocean. Viva la Pura Vida. I toast to a new life, a new year, and a new crazy ME.

Chapter 28
Ringy-dingy

By Iza Deleanu

“Hey, do you wanna mingle? I see you are single!”

I turned around and there was a guy playing Don Juan. I give him the I don’t give a shit look.

He continued undisturbed:” Don’t be surprised. I see no ringy-dingy on your fingy.”

” So? You have one, so go and have fun somewhere else.”

Mr. Irresistible continued in the same tone:” What? This trinket is a decoy. I wear it for an artistic impression. I just got an interview, and it looks better if you are a family man.”

Amused I said:” So, who taught you this dating strategy? Aunt Sima?”

“Pardon me, miss. It’s my shrink’s fault. He said to be open and attack the problem directly. I am usually super shy… like a fly.”

“Oh, brother, you got it all wrong. Before you jump on somebody with that kind of proposal assess the situation. Do I look like I need saving? Maybe I have no ringy-dingy because I am allergic to the idea of wearing it. So far nothing good came out of it. You see ringy-dingy it’s a sign of belonging, and I am past the slavery era. Would you like to see my teeth?”

“Ha? For what?”

“Well, it’s part of the ringy-dingy deal.”

“No, sorry! You got it all wrong. I was just fooling around.”

“You are lucky that I am not in the mood to make a scene. I am too happy with myself to get bothered by your silly mistake.”

“Got it! First, assess and then distress!”

“You got it, Mr. Trinket, good luck with your mingled!”

Chapter 29
Escape

By Iza Deleanu

As any self-respecting female protagonist, I was born with that innate craving for a "happily ever after." You know, the whole fairytale package "prince, castle, oh, honey, like in honeymoon forever! As a kid, I used to joke that one day, my prince would sweep me off my feet...on a black horse and mandatory white hair. My mom, of course, had questions. "Why white hair? " she'd ask, eyebrows raised. Well, even at that age, I knew I needed to stand out because every other prince had perfect blonde or raven-black waves. Boring. Mine was going to have character and a specific charm!

Fast forward to adult life, and I realized I'd been duped. Trapped in that age-old belief that true happiness only comes when you're married with kids. All the women in my family preached the same gospel your duty as a wife, blah blah blah, while I quietly dreamt of my curly-haired prince. Well, as luck would have it, the universe took my childhood joke literally. My prince arrived, all right, riding in on a metaphorical black horse, rocking some glorious curly grey hair. Oh, joy. Here I thought I was getting wisdom and chivalry, seeing as he was past forty and I was a fresh 34. Nope. What I got was the shocking realization that those fairytales leave out one crucial detail: sometimes, the prince is a charming, mother-fortune fool who couldn't spell "honesty " if you handed him a dictionary. As for the kids' part... he was in total denial, as we don't need any because of my thyroid issues; he thought that my kids would be some cursed creature from Notre Dame ("mine" like I was going to get them by myself!).

So, in 2009, there I was in a new country, dealing with a new language, culture and, oh yeah, this new thing called married life. As if juggling all that wasn't enough, the immigration officer in Frankfurt (aka the first gatekeeper of the Canadian Dream) took one look at me and thought, "Russian bride!" Ouch! Try Romanian, mister! I guess my "just-married, deer-in-headlights vibe" gave him ideas. I wasn't just adjusting to Canada, I was auditioning for stereotypes along the way! Damn it, and he was not even that rich to meet the cotta and fulfil the stereotype of sugar daddy!

As you see, not exactly Cinderella but close enough, slaving away not for some evil stepfamily, but for my beloved husband. Was he ever satisfied? Absolutely not! I could've turned water into wine (forgive me, Jesus), and he'd have asked why it wasn't Pinot Noir (yup, the mother fortune was throwing away some French vibes. As he knew how to "speak" wine in all languages). I was living a modern-day Cinderella story, minus the glass slipper and the fairy godmother. Instead of a prince, I had a husband who was more interested in his own comfort than in my well-being. So, I had to navigate this tangled mess we call life, and God helped me, I found a way somehow. I threw myself into studying like I was cramming for finals at the school of life, determined to make something of myself. And let me tell you, when you move to another country, aka Canada, what are all your degrees and experience? Nothing! Nada! Zerooooo! Niente, aqua caliente! Yeah, they get erased at customs. It's like, "Welcome! Now start over!" So, what did I do? I reinvented myself. And then, again... and again. Seriously, I'm currently on my fourth reinvention. At this rate, I'm one reinvention away from becoming Jeanne d'Arc! So welcome to Isa 4.0 version! Ready and film! I am now the "The Bold and the Beautiful!"

Looking back, I now see that I was roped into this entire circus by family pressure. Yep, that's right. My family pushed me into the wrong arms because, apparently, I needed to be married with kids. So how did I survive? Every time I found myself knee-deep in the trenches of life, I clung to one beautiful thought: Sunrise kissing the ocean, an eternal love affair. That was my refrain from any provocation. Because let's face it the Ocean has never betrayed me. Sure, it's tossed me around like I owed it money, but even then, it was playful. We've always had that kind of relationship, no hard feelings, just a little roughhousing.

I remember my first trip to Cuba in 2013 two glorious weeks where I had the ocean all to myself. Technically, I was with my ex, but emotionally? I was "romantically solo." I mean, the man had all the romantic instincts of a paperclip. The sun was too hot, the ocean too wavy, sunsets were 'meh,' and sunrises? Too early for his delicate soul. So, naturally, I did what any ocean-loving romantic would do: I cheated! My new Lover? The OCEAN. And let me tell you, he was a total catch; mysterious, unpredictable, multilingual. He spoke in crashing waves, soft whispers, and the occasional "Hey, watch out for that riptide! " We had a thing, me and Mr. Ocean full of emotions...motions.

Forget romance novels; this was my real love story. The Ocean was more than just an escape "it was a sanctuary, a fling that made everything better. I'd spend all year working just for that one week of freedom, like Leda from Swan Queen; I was going backwards when Christmas came, and I'd reverse-engineer myself into a swan ready for action. My Frogs' companion complaints were on mute, and I'd gear up for days of laughing, swimming, and recharging my soul. Early mornings were for watching the tide recede, leaving behind fresh sand just waiting to tickle my toes. I played hide-and-seek with the waves, dancing to my Lover's rhythm, the Ocean, while the sun and I had our own little morning ritual. How I'd wished to lock myself in this bliss forever, but reality is hard medicine to swallow.

Back then, he lived for the all-inclusive buffet, while I was for the all-inclusive fun in the sun. He was stacking plates like it was the Olympics, and I was collecting tan lines like they were limited edition. Meanwhile, even though I was on the same all-inclusive deal, I had to be "careful with my figure." Go figure! The way I was looking, you'd think Free Willy had just checked into the resort pool. And despite eating like a bird, my body had other plans "stress was packing on the pounds like it was going out of style. I swear, I gained weight just "thinking" about dessert! So, I did what I knew best: keep on swimming, Dory, dear!

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