FanStory.com - Scene at a Cast Meeting by Bill Schott

FanStory.com
"Scene at a Cast Meeting"

Chapter 1
Scene of Cast Meeting (revised)

By Bill Schott

Some of the best times I have had on this site is writing scenes and stories involving these pairs of characters. I have tried to give them each individual identities, but sometimes they may run together.

Cast:

Pons as Himself (the positive everyman)
Ned as Hisself (innocent and dim)
Pez as Himself (been around and has dark secrets)
Pallas as Character #4 (Pez' younger, smart-alec brother)
Fox = as Felix (either he or his brother is a clone)

Felix = as Fox (either his brother or he is a clone)

Matt as Himself (fun-loving good guy)
Jiffy as the Beaver (Matt's best buddy)

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

Nine story characters assemble in a home's breakfast nook and sit in a semicircle facing down stage.

Pons: I wonder what Bill wants?

Ned: He might want one a them 'key rigs' what make coffee so good.

Pallas: Looks like he's got a Mr. Coffee. He probably drives a Pinto too.

Pez: I saw a Silverado pick up in the garage. It's missing windshield wipers.

Pallas: Hey, Felix, weren't you missin' wipers on your Chevy truck?

Felix: I just got some.

Fox: Hope they were cheap.

Felix: They were FF.

Fox: Felix Fine?

Felix: Five-finger.

Jiffy: I hope Bill gets here soon; I have nothing to do that's more important than this.

Matt: He arrives.

BILL: Hey, fellas. I won't keep you long. I just wanted you to know that you are all going to be in a few scenes together.

Matt: What's it about?

Jiffy: Is there a love scene?

Pez: You got a quart of 10w30?

Pallas: Do you serve breakfast in this nook?

Pons: Sounds great.

Ned: Who's in it?

DED: I believe all assembled here will be in the piece, Ned.

Ned: Hey, DED. What brings you here?

DED: I will be collecting someone while I am here, Ned.

Fox: Who you talking to, Ned.

Ned: DED -- Age'en a Deaf

Fox: Deaf?

Ned: Oh, sorry, Bud. (begins shouting) DED! Age-en a Deaf!

BILL: Okay, group. Take a look at this script and I will explain what will happen.

To Be Continued...

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 2
Scene of Cast Meeting 2

By Bill Schott

Felix = as Fox (either his brother or he is a clone)

Matt as Himself (fun-loving good guy),
Jiffy as the Beaver (Matt's best buddy)

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

Bill is beginning a first reading of a script that will include eight of the characters present as members of the story.

Bill: Okay, guys, listen up. This play will start out as a detective story, but will quickly broaden to include other genres.

Matt: What's a "shawnrah"?

Jiffy : It's an Irish term, I think. It means something like -- "You go, Shawn!"

Pallas : So, who are these Shawns? I'm not being no one named Shawn. It sounds like 'yawn', and that will be the beginning of the end.

Pez : (placing a hand on Pallas' shoulder and nodding negatively, then looking at Bill) Please go ahead, Boss.

Bill: The initial setting will be the office of the Fine and Fine Detective Agency.

Felix : We're thinking about changing the name to Fine and Finer. I would be the Finer, of course.

Fox : He means "thinking" metaphorically and ironically. Also the term "we" means him, and he has no authority to change names; he couldn't find a boat if he was in it.

Bill: Perhaps the initial setting should be a possible crime scene.

Ned: (standing quickly) I gots a place, Mr. Bill. I saw'd it on the tellervision t'utter day whiles I was watchin' "The Price's Right".

Pons: There was a crime on The Price is Right, Ned? What happened?

Ned: Well, they callt them folks down an' the first lady saw this here new refridjitator an' bid a sousand bucks on it.

Pallas : It must be one of those that talk to you and keep track of your milk spoil dates and how many hot dogs you have compared to the bun count. I wonder how it tracks buns?

Ned: I caint acall the feller said anythin' like that, but he did go on about utter stuff.

Pons: So, Ned. There was a crime?

Ned: Yup. Right after that lady bid her sousand dawlars, the next guy, who were wearin' a barrel an' had a tattoo of a spider on his face, said a sousand'n ten dawlars.

Pallas : Wait! Are you sure you weren't watchin' "Let's Make a Deal"?

Pez : Let him finish. I have no idea where he is going with this.

Ned: No, sir. This were the Price is Right -- an' the next lady said a sousand and eel-levan dawlers.

Pallas : Was that woman wearin' a pickle suit or somethin'?

Felix: Look, I don't mean to disrupt this riveting description of this bidding war, but can we get on with whatever we are doing.

Fox : Give him another minute, Flick.

Felix: It's like listening to bowling on the radio, only worse.

Pons: Bring it home, Ned.

Ned: Okeedokee. Soz the last feller only bid a dawler. Then the guy what runs the show opens up a li'l card and reads nine hundert'n ninety-nine dawlers. The one-dawler guy's lights astarted blinkin' an' he got the dang refridjitator.

Pallas : So, uh, what's the crime, dude?

Felix: It's obviously this story and the time it took for Notsobrite to spit it out.

Pons: (standing and addressing Felix) I have a crime in mind for you, Felix. Follow me to the other room and I will elaborate.

Felix: Feel free to start without me, dude.

Fox : I will be glad to accompany you to the door, Felix.

Pez : I will be glad to drag you there, Freelicks.

DED: (speaking to Ned) Not to worry, my friend. I have no sense of a death, however, I do feel a package of frozen peas and a dental appointment will become necessary.

Ned: Fellers, please dun do nuttin ta Fexter.

Jiffy : Crime! What's the crime, Nedward?

Ned: Oh, yeah. Well, whilst I were watchin' the feller git himself that there afflience fer a dawler bill, I saw out the winder that the carpet cleanin' truck from "Gimmee Rugs" ran right true a stop sign. That there's a crime, fer sure.

All present look to each other for a minute then look at Bill.

Bill: Okay then, the detective office.

Pons: (standing) What about the crime scene? What is the crime?

Fox : Is it a murder?

Matt: Is it a heist?

Jiffy : Well look who woke up. The crime here is your getting paid to sleep while the rest of us work out this story.

Matt: We don't get paid, Jif.

Jiffy : Now that's a crime.

To Be Continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 3
Scene of Cast Meeting 3

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself (the positive everyman)
Ned as Hisself (innocent and dim)
Pez as Himself (been around and has dark secrets)
Pallas as Character #4 (Pez' younger, smart-alec brother)
Fox = as Felix (either he or his brother is a clone)

Felix = as Fox (either his brother or he is a clone)

Matt as Himself (fun-loving good guy),
Jiffy as the Beaver (Matt's best buddy)

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

Bill has the actors assembled to read through the the first scene of the story, "Let's Get Intuit". They are in the office of Fox and Felix Fine who are across a desk from each other, Fox sitting and Felix standing. The rest of the cast are seated or standing on the left and right facing each other. Pons, Ned, and DED are on stage right and Matt, Jiffy, Pallas, and Pez on stage left. Bill is a disembodied voice.

Bill: Okay, Fox and Felix, as you can see you will begin talking for a bit, and then the noted players will filter in as they appear in the script. Everyone will enter and exit throught the door on stage left. Are there any questions before we start?

Ned: I dun see no place fer Ned Nuckledd ta do no speakin'.

Pallas : That's not a question, Knucklehead.

Pons: His name is Nuckledd, Pallas.

Bill: Quiet on the set. Ned, you are not in this scene. You will appear later.

Ned: (looking around at others) Ain't I here now?

Pallas : Now that's a question, Ned-wetter. I'm not sure you're ALL here, but ---

Pons crosses the stage to grab Pallas, but Pez steps in front of his brother.

Pez : I'll handle my little brother, Pons. You've got your hands full with Neddy.

Pons: He needs a beat down, Pez, and you know it.

Pez : That'll be my concern, man. Step off and cool down.

Bill: Can we can the drama and begin the drama? Felix, step out and enter through the door to begin the scene.

Felix steps out and then rushes back in.

Felix : (peeking at his script) Hey, Fox! I have big news and a great opportunity for two up-and-coming private eyes to solve a big mystery that is baffling the city police force.

Fox : (begins laughing) Okay -- who are you?

Bill: Cut! What's going on, Fox?

Fox : The dialogue is out of character for my brother, sir.

Bill: Okay, fair enough. Look, both of you follow the storyline and adlib until the scene is over. Action!

Felix : Hey, Fox! I have a lead on that murder in the park this weekend. I think we can get hired by the main suspect.

Fox : Wow! Imagine that. You are making me smile with every word you say. Who's dead? Who's the suspect?

Felix : The stiff is still being I.D.ed at the chop shop. He or she was pretty messed up I hear. Kind of --hamburgered.

Fox : Man! Who do they think did it?

Pallas sneaks out the door and then rushes in with a pistol in his hand.

Pallas : Hit the floor, motorscooters! Hands up and hand over all the cash!

Ned drops to the floor in the corner.

Fox : This is a detective agency, dummy -- not a bank!

Felix : We have no money here, pal. Believe me.

Pallas : (puts the gun in his shoulder holster) Okay, okay, Just lay out your wallets, jewelry, and anything else that's worth anything.

Fox : Hey Felix -- do you still wear that moneybelt?

Felix : (Felix' eyes dart back and forth from his brother and the intruder) I -- uh - don't know what you mean, Heh heh.

Pallas : (pulls the gun out again) C'mon, dude. You are pushing this bank robbery into a double murder.

Fox : Murder!?

Felix : D-d-double m-m-murder!?

DED: (to Ned, still on the floor) Bank robbery?

Ned: Ya musta jis got here, DED. They're actin' out a scene what's in the new show -- Lester McMoonrat.

Pons: What's that, Ned?

Ned: I were tellin' DED what's happ'nin here.

Pons: What's Lester McMoonrat?

Ned: Ain't that what that is that they's doin'?

Pons: "Let's Get Intuit"

Ned: Now, Cuz. I dun reckin we oughta git inta it now. Them folks is tryin' ta rear-hersofy.

Pons: The play is called, "Let's Get Intuit".

DED: Not a bank robbery? No murder expected? Why were you on the floor, Ned?

Ned: I gots ta say no ta robbery, no to a axial murder, and I guess I dun know why I was on the floor.

Jiffy: You are sounding pretty negative over there, Neddlepoint. Sounds like you're closing in on a t-shirt slogan though -- I guess I dun know.

Matt: Lay off him, Jif.

Pons: Good advice, Jif.

Jiffy: Okay. I'll be good.

Matt: Don't you have a part coming up?

Jiffy: Right. Man, I have to get into my hamburger suit.

Pons: Oh, are you a victim?

Pez : It sounds like he's a fashion victim.

Jiffy: I didn't know you were a funny man, Pez.

Pez looked Jiffy over with a half smile, which faded to an emotionless stare.

Jiffy nodded silently, then left through the doorway.

Matt: (talking to Pez) He just wants to be a make-believe victim, Pez.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 4
Scene of Cast Meeting 4

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim
Fox = as Felix Fine, PI

Felix = as Fox Fine, PU

Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness

GED (Ned's clone) as Suspect

Lois (Fox's girlfriend) as coroner

Scar (Pons' clone) as The Mayor

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

The actors are assembled to read through the the first scene of the story, "Let's Get Intuit". In the office of Fox and Felix Fine an intruder, Pallas, has entered demanding money. The rest of the cast are seated or standing on the left and right facing each other, except Jiffy who has left to the next site to be a murder victim. Pons, Ned, and DED are on stage right and Matt and Pez are on stage left. Bill is a disembodied voice.

============================================================

Last scene:

Pallas : (pulls the gun out again) C'mon, dude. You are pushing this bank robbery into a double murder.

Fox : Murder!?

Felix : D-d-double m-m-murder!?

============================================

Bill: Okay, Fox, Felix, and Pallas, back to you. Action!

Ned: (shouts) Hey Ho there, Mister Bill!

Bill: Yes, Ned.

Ned: Er ya sure that that there pistola ain't got no bullets in it?!

Pallas : It's a prop gun, dummy.

Bill: Okay! I'm going to shut this down right now.

Pons: Let me shut him down.

Bill: Stay out of it, Pons.

Ned: Yeah, Cuz. I kin han'le myself.

Pallas : Step outside with me, Nut. We'll see who gets "han'led".

Pons crosses the stage to grab Pallas, but Ned steps in front of him.

Ned: I got this, Pons.

Pons: (smiling) You shouldn't have to deal with this scumbag, Ned.

Ned: It's him what's got ta deal wit me.

Pallas : I hope you packed a lunch, Noodle.

Pez: (stepping in front of Ned) He's my ride home, Ned.

Ned: (winks and nods) This'll jis take a sec, Pez.

Bill: Okay, let's get Matt to finish up this scene as the robber.

Jiffy: Hoo hoo, Matty; here's your big break.

Matt: I think Pallas took the gun with him.

Jiffy: (pulls a hand gun from a fanny pack) Here, you can use mine.

Matt: That's a real revolver, Jif. Do you have a licence?

Jiffy: Sure, it's in my wallet.

Matt: You have a firearms licence?

Jiffy: It's actually a fishing licence. but I am often shooting fish that are too aggressive.

Matt: You keep that weapon; I'll just point my finger.

Bill: While we're young, Matt. Okay -- action!

Fox : Aseninto!?

Felix : D-d-doble Ass-ass -eninto!?

Matt: Si, hombres.

Bill: Wait -- wait! What's with the Spanish dialogue?

Fox : We thought it might lighten the tone here.

Felix : Yeah, since Ned wants to fight everybody.

Pons: What!?

The door opens slowly and Ned enters the office. He is apparently untouched.

Ned: (to Pez) Ya might hafta do the drivin', Pez.

Pez steps past Ned and heads out the door.

Bill: Back to you, Matt.

Matt: (pointing his finger at Felix) Let's get the money belt up here, buddy.

Fox : Yeah, man. Hurry up. This guy's got an itchy trigger finger.

Felix : Needs a manicure too.

Matt: Money belt!

Fox : Okay, look, dude. I have no money. This turd has no money either. Just turn around and go and we'll write this off as practice for your big bank robbery.

Felix : The first lesson was -- enter an actual bank.

Matt backs himself to the door, stops, grabs a handful of peppermints from a candy bowl on the desk, then slips out the door.

Fox : So, who do the cops think the murderer is?

Felix : General Equivalency Dude.

Fox : That's Ned Nuckledd's clone, right. Or is he an android.

Felix : All I know is the cops like him for the murder.

Fox : Is there a witness?

Felix : I hear there are two witnesses.

Fox : Is GED in police custody?

Felix : In the clink right now.

Fox : Okay, we will split up. You talk to GED and the public defender's office, and I will track down these two witnesses.

Felix : Who's going to the morgue?

Fox : Pick a number between one and ten.

Felix : Five.

Fox : No, it was nine. You check out the corpse and take some pictures if possible.

Felix : I think photographs are verboten.

Fox : Oh no! Forbidden! What shall we do, Felix?

Felix : I'll wear my trick camera glasses.

Fox : We have camera glasses?

Felix : That's what the script says.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 5
Scene at Cast Meeting 5

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim

Lisa (Felix's girlfriend) as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI

Felix as Fox Fine, PU

Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness

GED (Ned's clone) as Suspect

Lois (Fox's girlfriend) as coroner

Scar (Pons' clone) as The Mayor

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

============================================================

Last scene:

Fox : Okay, we will split up. You talk to GED and the public defender's office, and I will track down these two witnesses.

Felix : Who's going to the morgue?

Fox : You check out the corpse and take some pictures if possible.

============================================

The scene opens inside a jail cell. GED sits handcuffed to his bunkbed, sitting across from Lisa Pleaser, the Public Defender, and Fox Fine, a private eye.

Bill: We couldn't get a scene set up for the public defender's office so I talked the sheriff into letting us practice in this cell.

Lisa: It would have been nice if they'd have flushed the toilet, mopped up the vomit, and, seriously, have these mattresses burned.

Bill: I'll add that to my thank you note.

GED: Will there be a lunch today, Bill?

Bill: I will need to check the budget -- no. Okay -- action!

Lisa: Hello, uh, Geed -- is it?

GED: It has a J sound. GED. It is an acronym.

Felix: So you're part of a cult?

GED: Of course not. Why would you say that?

Felix: Well, you know -- strange name, you look like Ned, killing people, etcetera, etcetera.

Lisa: You do look a lot like Ned.

GED: Not in a cult.

Felix: Odd name.

GED: I did not choose the name.

Felix: So -- not the cult leader.

Lisa: Who named you?

All three people look downstage and up.

Bill: Do we need to do this now? I'm the director, y'know. This is a murder investigation.

Lisa: We'll work out this cult thread and you can regale us with your brilliant mind.

Felix: Are you speaking to me or Bill?

Laughter breaks out off the set as everyone reacts to Felix's question.

Bill: Okay, I wanted more characters so I began with the alphabet and Ned.

Felix: Wow, that's hard to imagine -- Ned and the alphabet.

Bill: I created BED, who would be a narcoleptic. CED, well, he is sort of here. DED, that was an easy one. EED -- pass. FED, an overeater. GED, General Equivolency Dude. He would either be an android or a clone. HED, a brainiac; IED, another acronym -- Improved Emotional Dynamo -- Gee, I have never used him for anything.

Lisa: Why does it have to be a guy? Couldn't a woman be an improved emotional dynamo?

Bill: Touché.

Felix: Yeah, Lisa. Why so touchy.

Bill: JED, well, I had a Jed with GED. KED, was always running around. LED was a devout religious figure. MED, a drug peddler. OED, was supposed to only speak in Old English, but it was really more work with practically zero positive feedback. PED is KED's interdimensional counterpart. QED, nah. RED is Pon's cousin who is just a mean soul. He is also D-Red, DED's flunky and dead bug collector. SED, never explored that. TED -- hmm -- I will need to find a place for Ted. UED, no, VED, no, WED, is always on a honeymoon with someone different. XED and YED are unused, but ZED is Ned's and Pons' uncle.

Felix: Whew! Sorry we asked. Can we get on with this now?

Lisa: Why did the officer who arrested you think you were the murderer?

GED: He thought I was beating the victim.

Felix: What were you doing?

GED: I was applying artificial respiration.

Lisa: The victim was beaten severely -- described as hamburger.

GED: Well I was fresh out of gauze and tape, so I thought I'd make sure he, or it, was alive.

Felix: Did you save him?

GED: My arrest for murder suggests that I did not.

Lisa: Who is the deceased?

Pez: (voice comes from outside the cell door) I can answer that, Ma'am.

Felix: Hey, Pez -- uh, I mean, Deputy.

Pez: The victim's name was Ced Cadaver.

Lisa: A friend I have in Washington says that CED is Latin for "go".

Felix: Go, Cadaver, go, go cadaver!

Lisa: Felix, please! A man is dead.

Pez: According to the coroner, Ced Cadaver is a woman.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 6
Scene at Cast Meeting 6

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim

Lisa (Felix's girlfriend) as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI

Felix as Fox Fine, PU

Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness

GED (Ned's clone) as Suspect

Lois (Fox's girlfriend) as coroner

Scar (Pons' clone) as The Mayor

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

============================================================

Last scene:

Pez: The victim's name was Ced Cadaver.

Lisa: A friend I have in Washington says that CED is Latin for "go".

Felix: Go -- Cadaver; go, go cadaver!

Lisa: Felix, please! A man is dead.

Pez: According to the coroner, Ced Cadaver is a woman.

============================================

The scene opens at the morgue. Dr. Lois Loon, Pez, and Fox Fine stand upstage of the victim, who is on a slab, looking downstage.

Bill: Okay, Pallas is the victim, obviously --

Laughter breaks out off the set as everyone reacts to Bill's statement, along with a couple random "Obviously"s.

Pallas: (complaining through thick makeup, making mumbling noises)

Bill: Lois will begin her technical processing of the corpse aloud into the hanging microphone, while the sheriff and a private investigator comment about the crime. Action!

Lois: Thank you, Sheriff, for completing your interview as I examine the body.

Pez: Certainly, Doc. With the exception of this stinky carcass and the ice box temperature in here, it's my pleasure.

Fox: Glad I chose to wear my long underwear today.

Pez: Right. They look swell with the Speedos and tank top.

Lois: I am Dr. Lois Loon performing an autopsy on a Jane Doe.

Pallas: (mumbling which sounds something like "I ain't a woman!)

Lois: The entire extremedy of the body has been disrupted by both chemical burning and rasping with what seems like wire brushing along every inch.

There are two bullet holes in her chest and one in the hand. I see Jane Doe's jaw is broken -- the lower jaw is completely shattered, split vertically, from some tremendous force. I can move the shattered pieces of her jaw in vertical directions.

I see that the bones in the right shoulder are crushed - again, from some strong and direct blow. Her internal organs were removed earlier, and that inspection revealed she had suffered internal injuries also. But one thing is certain: this frail woman has been beaten in an inhuman fashion. The blows that have so terribly shattered her bones -- I surmise she must have been beaten with chains, or a pipe -- they were in themselves sufficient to cause death. It is again impossible to say if she had died before she was shot -- the bullets have been removed in a first unrecorded autopsy, and the bullet tracts have been carefully excised so I cannot trace the path of the bullets.

Examining her skull I see it is crushed, too. The fracture is circular and depressed, from another direct blow. I can barely believe the destruction to these frail young bones. In my years as a pathologist and medical examiner, I have never seen bones so severely shattered, except in tremendously high speed accidents or airplane crashes. It was obvious to any first-year medical student that this woman had been beaten to a pulp. I have been conducting examinations of this type for years.

I involuntarily imagine the scene at the time this youngster received such a vicious beating to shatter her bones in this incredible manner.

Fox: I just realized my clone cheated at the game that decided who was coming here or the jail.

Pez: I'll be going over there in a few minutes; do you want me to tell him something.

Fox: No, but Dr. Loon may need to check over another puke bag like Janey here. His name will be Felix.

Lois: Say hi to my sister, Lisa. She is interviewing the suspect of this murder.

Fox: He must be a chunk of horror spit right out of hell.

Pez: It's Ned's clone, GED.

Fox: Well, I seem to remember GED becoming a zombie last summer and he ate the brains of at least one person during Ned Nuckledd's Presidential run.

Pez: That seems a bit far-fetched, Fox. I mean -- a zombie?

Fox: If you factor in Ned Nuckledd running for President, it all seems to work together.

Offset

Ned: Them boys is havin' a lot a fun talkin' 'bout me. I hope one a them ain't who ya lookin' fer taday.

DED: Not to worry, Ned. None of your friends or acquaintances are in danger.

Ned: That's good ta hear, DED. Though, I think Fox there could use a "come-ta-prayer meetin'" moment.

DED: I will give him a daydream of repentance.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 7
Scene at the Cast Meeting 7

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim

Lisa (Felix's girlfriend) as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI

Felix as Fox Fine, PU

Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness

GED (Ned's clone) as Suspect

Lois (Fox's girlfriend) as coroner

Scar (Pons' clone) as The Mayor

DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

============================================================

Last scene:

Autopsy confirmed victim was cruelly murdered by a maniac.

Readers were reminded that GED was a brain-eating zombie a year ago. .

============================================

Scene opens with all characters reassembled in Bill's breakfast nook. All sit in a semicircle facing down stage.

===============================

Bill: Alright, everyone. That is the basic setup for this storyline. Are there any questions going forward?

Pons: Seems like I had no part in the story.

Ned: Looks like Ned spins lots a time chewin' the fat wit DED. Ain't that a bit pickeller.

Pez: I think I come off a little cutesy. That's not me.

Pallas: I might want a more challenging role than a dead woman.

Lisa: I feel my role as the Public Defender was well matched with my depth of talent.

Fox: I sounded a bit like Felix. Maybe you have us confused.

Ned: I sure am.

Felix: That seems right. Now, as far as Fox is concerned, I see his point. I am the comedy relief here.

Matt: My "witnessing" was underplayed I think, since I had no lines or even appearence. Even Pallas had lines and he's dead.

Pallas: C'mon! Cast as a woman.

Jiffy: You were in a scene, Phyllis. I was in zero scenes.

GED: Why am I always being cast as a villain?

Lois: I believe I have established the mold for presenting an autopsy dialogue.

Pallas: I'm sure you were inspired by the cadaver's performance.

Felix: You seemed a bit "stiff" to me, dude.

Pallas: What? You weren't even there.

Fox: I was there. You killed it.

Scar: The mayor was strangely absent from either the prison scene or morgue, as he would typically be seen with accused murderers and corpses. Oh! Wait! That's it -- I wasn't in the scene.

DED: I am unaware of my need here.

Ned: Them folks thinks yer Deaf.

Bill: So, my notes say that Pons needs a part, Ned needs a purpose --

Ned: A dolphino would do, though, I guess that's askin' a lot.

D-Red: He said purpose, dummy. Yeah, that's right. I wrote myself into this scene just to point out Ned's total ignorance and stupidity.

Pallas: That's right! Ned is the total package.

Pregnant pause.

Bill: Pez needs to be seen as moody and not-to-be-messed-with; Pallas is a smart aleck, Lisa and Lois are well-cast as lawyer and doctor, and Matt is fun-loving and clever, as Jiffy is fun-loving but left of center.

Pons: It might be nice to find a place for Abecedari Ann and Betty Biggins.

Pallas: One could replace me as the corpse.

Pez: Then he could be the second victim.

Pallas: Or, I could be the cop who solves the case.

A figure appears at the doorway at the left. It is a two-headed woman. One head looks like Ann, with long blond hair, and the other looks like Betty with long, fire-engine red hair.

Ned: (seeing the two-headed woman) Holy Cattle-on-a-cattle-drive! Betty colored her hair red!

Pons: How did you get Abecedari Ann and Betty Biggins' heads on the same body, Bill.

Bill: I know a guy.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google.

Chapter 8
Scene at the Cast Meeting 8

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim
Lisa (Felix's girlfriend) as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI
Felix as Fox Fine, PU
Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness
GED (Ned's clone) as Suspect
Lois (Fox's girlfriend) as coroner
Scar (Pons' clone) as The Mayor
DED as Himself (Agent of Death)

BettyAnn (two-headed woman)
============================================================
Last scene:
A figure appears at the doorway. It is a two-headed woman. One head looks like Abecedari Ann, with long blond hair, and the other looks like Betty Biggins, with long, fire-engine red hair.
============================================
Scene opens with all characters assembled in DED's breakfast nook. It is in total black/white as are all the characters. All sit in a semicircle facing down stage. DED and "Betty-Ann" are in the center, while Bill is still voice-only.
===============================
DED: I certainly appreciate all of the cast joining me in my humble breakfast nook here in The Neitherworld.

Pons: Do you mean The Netherworld, DED?

Ned: Kin you see DED, Pons? I caint!

DED: The rules are a bit different here, Ned.

Ned: Caint hear'm neither.

Pons: Oh, so this isn't a hell or heaven place.

DED: It is -- Neither.

Pez: Who's your decorater -- Boris Karloff?

Pallas: Who's this Boar's guy?

Pez: I meant that everything is in black and white.

Lisa: Well, that explains a lot. I thought I was going blind.

Ned: (looking at Betty-Ann) I'm still a bit acerned 'bout what I'ma lookin' at right there.

Betty-Ann (two-headed woman) We are still the same women you knew before, Ned.

Ned: Okay, now I ain't the sharpestest bowlin' ball in the crayon box, but yer missin' one whole body there missy -- uh -- missysises.

Betty-Ann We are still the same inside, Ned.

Ned: Gots ta be awflee cramp-ped.

Felix: Can we go ahead with the initial scene now?

Matt: I'm ready to be the witness.

Pallas: So who's playing me before I become this disgusting corpse.

Jiffy: I saw a rag mop in the corner over there, and I think I saw a couple of oranges in the kitchen. Of course, they were gray-lookin.

Pallas: I ain't dressin' up like no woman!

GED: You look fit to kill as you are, Phyllis.

Pallas: It's Pallas -- Jethro!

Lois: I could be both the corpse and the coroner.

Pallas: Well, hey! I'll be the "corn ear" and you can be the dead woman.

Felix: Why not just make the victim a dead GUY?

Pallas: Well, that's somethin'.

Fox: Dead is dead.

Scar: The mayor still has no purpose here.

Ned: Maybe that's why that feller ain't here, Scar.

Scar: I am the mayor, Ned.

Ned: (puzzled) Uh, okay; who am I?

Bill: Okay, here we go everyone. Scripts are available, we will begin tomorrow at the murder scene. The script will be called ... Seen at a Murder Scene.

Ned: Where's DED?

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 9
Seen at a Murder Scene 1

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim
Lisa as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI
Felix as Fox Fine, PU
Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness
GED as Suspect
Lois as coroner
Scar as The Mayor
DED as Agent of Death
BettyAnn as ADA
============================================================
Scene opens on a cobblestone walkway in the middle of an apple orchard. A masculine-looking young woman walks softly downstage. Her hair looks like a ragmop and her breasts bounce beneath her blouse like oranges hanging from her neck.
===============================

Pallas: (squeaking out a female voice) Gee, the apple orchard can be a lonely and scary place at night.

From out of the trees, behind the young woman, appears a two-headed person. Both heads are covered with ski masks, obviously to hide identidy.

BettyAnn: Hello, Madam.

Pallas: (squeaking) Oh my stars! You have made me soil my unmentionables!

BettyAnn: Are you alone out here where no one could hear your scream.

Pallas: Well, uh, no. I am meeting my gun club here to shoot random targets of opportunity.

BettyAnn: That certainly seems unlikely.

Pallas: Would you believe I meet Big Foot here every night to exchange ideas for TikTok?

BettyAnn: No.

Pallas: So --- What's up?

BettyAnn: I am a brutal murderer who prowls the night searching for my next victim.

Pallas: What is your type? Beautiful women like me normally live forever, but I know a Public Defender who could make a train take a dirt road.

BettyAnn: I prefer people who wander aimlessly in apple orchards.

Pallas: Aimless? Well, okay then. I am definitely not aimless. I have good aim -- I am an aim-MORE person.

The lights go out and several loud thumps are heard.

================================

The morning comes and two joggers appear upstage and move forward. A body lies on the trail.

Matt: (seeing the body) Oh man! What is this?

Jiffy: It looks like a giant gorilla turd.

Matt: I think it's a human being.

Jiffy: That is a bold assertion, my friend. I've seen frogs come out of a blender looking more human than this mess.

Matt: We should alert the authorities.

Jiffy: The Sanitation Department?

Matt: No. We need to call the Sheriff's Office.

Jiffy: Do you have a phone on you?

Matt: No, I left it in your car.

Jiffy: What if we needed to call someone?

Matt: You mean, like the Sheriff to report finding a murder victim?

Jiffy: Sure, or to call for a pizza delivery.

Matt: Sorry, Jif. Where's your phone?

Jiffy: Locked in my car with the keys.

Matt: Your keys are locked in your car?

Jiffy: You never know who might be messing with your car.

Matt: What was your plan for when we get back to the car?

Jiffy: I would have you throw a brick through the window. Then I would get my keys and open the trunk. Pulling out a can of yellow spray paint, I would paint some epithets on the side of the car. Then I'd call road service.

Matt: Sounds like you've done that before.

Jiffy: Mostly just practice, in case it really happened.

Matt: Let's jog back to the car and find a brick.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 10
Seen at a Murder Scene 2

By Bill Schott

Scene opens in a morgue. The coroner, sheriff, and a private detective stand behind a corpse on an examination table.
_________________________________

Lois: Thank you, Sheriff, for completing your interview as I examine the body.

Pez: Certainly, Doc. With the exception of this stinky carcass and the ice box temperature in here, it's my pleasure.

Fox: Glad I chose to wear my long underwear today.

Pez: Right. They look swell with the Speedos and tank top.

Lois: I am Dr. Lois Loon performing an autopsy on a Jane Doe.

Fox: Wow! I thought I saw the corpse move!

Lois: Just random nerves snapping.

Fox: Hard to believe there are still nerves pieced together. This looks more like a kitchen prep time at the Biggy Burger restaurant.

Pez: Go ahead Doctor Loon.

Lois: Thank you, Sheriff. The entire extremity of the body has been disrupted by heavy blows along every inch. I see Jane Doe's jaw is broken -- the lower jaw is completely shattered, split vertically, from some tremendous force. I can move the shattered pieces of her jaw in vertical directions.
I see that the bones in the right shoulder are crushed - again, from some strong and direct blow. Her internal organs were removed earlier, and that inspection revealed she had suffered internal injuries also. But one thing is certain: this frail woman has been beaten in an inhuman fashion. The blows that have so terribly shattered her bones -- I surmise she must have been beaten with an oversized wooden mallet, which was in itself sufficient to cause death.
Examining her skull, I see it is crushed too. The fracture is circular and depressed, from another direct blow. I can barely believe the destruction to these frail young bones. In my years as a pathologist and medical examiner, I have never seen bones so severely shattered, except in tremendously high speed accidents or airplane crashes. It was obvious to any first-year medical student that this woman had been beaten to a pulp. I have been conducting examinations of this type for years.
I involuntarily imagine the scene at the time this young person received such a vicious beating to shatter her bones in this incredible manner.

Pez: I'll be going over to the jail in a few minutes; they have a suspect in custody.

Lois: Say hi to my sister, Lisa. She is interviewing the suspect of this murder.

Fox: He must be a chunk of horror spit right out of hell.

Pez: It's Ned's clone, GED.

Fox: Well, I seem to remember GED becoming a zombie last summer and he ate the brains of at least one person during Ned Nuckledd's Presidential run.

Pez: That seems a bit far-fetched, Fox. I mean -- a zombie?

Fox: If you factor in Ned Nuckledd running for President, it all seems to work together.
________________________________

The scene opens inside a jail cell. GED sits handcuffed to his bunkbed, sitting across from Lisa Pleaser, the Public Defender, and Fox Fine, a private eye.

Lisa: It would have been nice if they'd have flushed the toilet, mopped up the vomit, and, seriously, have these mattresses burned. (then addressing GED) Hello, uh, Geed -- is it?

GED: It has a J sound. GED. It is an acronym.

Felix: So you're part of a cult?

GED: Of course not. Why would you say that?

Felix: Well, you know -- strange name, you look like Ned Nuckledd, killing people, etcetera, etcetera.

Lisa: You do look a lot like Ned.

GED: Not in a cult.

Felix: Odd name.

GED: I did not choose the name.

Felix: So -- not the cult leader. Sorry we asked. Can we get on with this now?

Lisa: Why did the officer who arrested you think you were the murderer?

GED: He thought I was beating the victim.

Felix: What were you doing?

GED: I was applying artificial respiration.

Lisa: The victim was beaten severely -- described as hamburger.

GED: Well I was fresh out of gauze and tape, so I thought I'd make sure he, or it, was alive.

Felix: Did you save him?

GED: My arrest for murder suggests that I did not.

Lisa: Who is the deceased?

Pez: (voice comes from outside the cell door) I can answer that, Ma'am.

Felix: Hey, Pez -- uh, I mean, Deputy.

Pez: You mean Sheriff. The victim's name was Ced Cadaver, and according to the coroner, the body is a woman.

Felix Oh, Man! You killed a woman, dude!

GED: I killed no one.

Lisa: Did you see anyone else around?

GED: There might have been a two-headed person with stocking masks on.

Lisa: That description sounds familiar.

Felix Sure does. There was a 1959 Japanese movie called "The Manster", with a two-headed news correspondent.

Lisa: No, that's not it.

Felix Oh yeah. There was the 1972 movie called "The Thing with Two Heads".

Lisa: No, the person I am thinking of is very real.

Pez: Oh, right. That must be the new Assistant District Attorney.

Felix What happened to the other ADA?

Pez: Not altogether sure. She sort of disappeared; last seen in the apple orchard.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google

Chapter 11
Seen at a Murder Scene 3

By Bill Schott

Pons as Himself
Ned as Hisself
Pez as The Law
Pallas as Hamburger Victim
Lisa as Public Defender
Fox as Felix Fine, PI
Felix as Fox Fine, PU
Matt as Witness
Jiffy as Second Witness
GED as Suspect
Lois as coroner
Scar as The Mayor
DED as Agent of Death
BettyAnn as ADA
_____________________________________________

Scene opens in the Assistant District Attorney's office. The ADA's desk is centered and at a forward angle with her on the right in a chair with detective Felix Fine standing. On the left is Lisa the Public Defender, also seated, with Fox Fine standing upstage from her.

ADA: Thank you for meeting me here, Miss Loon. Who is this strapping fellow with you?

Lisa: I was eager to see where the District Attorney's Office stood on this recent murder case.

Fox: (clears his throat) I am Fox Fine of the Fine Detective Agency.

Felix: (leans down to the ADA's ear, on her right head, as if to whisper, but speaks aloud) He's my twin cousin, though I am more handsome.

ADA: We seem to have a conflict of interests here, Ms. Loon.

Lisa: Oh? What is that?

ADA: You are utilizing the services of the Fine Detective Agency, while I am having a serious sexual relationship with one of the agency's employees.

Felix: I am actually the owner of the agency, and --- we are having a sexual relationship?

Fox: Actually, I am the owner; Felix works for me.

Felix: The agency is actually Fine and Fine Detectives. I made up our slogan.

Fox: We have no slogan.

Felix: ...Is someone lost? We will FINE them. Get it?!

Lisa: I get that you would be spelling the word 'find' wrong.

ADA: As I said, there is a conflict between the Public Defender's Office and the DA.

Felix: (having moved to the other side of the ADA and whispering aloud in her second head's ear) We may have to seek conflict resolution later in your back chamber. Wink-wink.

Lisa: How long has this relationship been going on?

Fox: I know you have never met the ADA before today.

Felix: You've never heard of love-at-first-sight?

Fox: I remember yesterday you were cracking wise about her two heads.

Felix: Cracking wise? I was speaking of my bursting infatuation with her bi-brained legal position as the force for justice here in our neck of the woods.

ADA: 'Freelicks' and I are madly in love and that calls for your dropping the Fine Detective Agency as a resource for this case.

Lisa: Would it not be wiser to pause this obviously sham relationship in the face of this important case where a man's life is in the balance?

ADA: I have two heads, Ms. Loon, and both of us agree that, first, the sheriff's department should be doing the investigating here. Second, we both work for the city, but I am up here with the police commissioner and the mayor, and you are THERE, in the thankless and soul-draining position of public defender. Consider this loss an extra suck from your bleeding heart.

Lisa: I will have to contact the Attorney General's office?

ADA: Say hello to my dad, Tony "Two-face" Inyufaise, the AG.

Fox: Is there no one who isn't corrupt in this place?

Felix: I got correct change back from the begger outside the municipal building.

Fox: Correct change? From a begger?

Felix: Sure. Of course, I had to help him, since he was trying to hold a tin can and drink from a wine bottle at the same time. I gave him a five and took back ten dollars and seventy-five cents.

Fox: So you stole five dollars from a begger.

Felix: Making change, Fox. There's a difference; and it was five seventy-five.

ADA: You have to love this guy.

Fox: Do I?

Felix: Perhaps you two should shuffle off so the ADA and I can have a meeting of the minds.

ADA: (whispering to Felix) Perhaps we can go to the apple orchard.

_________________________________________________________

New scene opens in a jailhouse with GED and the Public Defender sitting across from each other in profile, while Ned and Pons sit up stage at the far end of the table.

Lisa: I see they have finally burned those mattresses. I feel they should have taken them out of the cell first.

GED: It's okay, Lisa. The toilet backed up and I used my food tray to both put the fires out on the beds and scrape the dried vomit off the floor.

Lisa: These are insane conditions. I will notify the sheriff.

GED: You mean the new sheriff. Pez went out to the apple orchard last night and they found him this morning.

Pons: Oh no! The sheriff is dead?

GED: Dead drunk. They have an apple wine lashup out there. He apparently was "over-served" and was found sleeping while draped over a lower limb of a Yellow Delicious tree.

Ned: I woke up on that there same yeller delishiniss limb one mornin' back in the day.

GED: I didn't know you drank, Ned.

Ned: Nope. Jis got awfulsome tired 'n' took a nap on a apple tree.

Out of the main scene a second scene opens in the ADA's office.

ADA: (the blond head) I have just had a brilliant idea for a poem. Nap on an apple tree.

ADA: (the red head) Funny, I had an idea about getting a head removed.

ADA: (the blond head) Which head?

ADA: (the red head) It's a surprise.

Felix: That sounds like a "capital" idea.

ADA: Get back on your head!

Meanwhile, back at the jailhouse...

Ned: Wonner who the new sheriff is?

Pons: I saw the mayor walking around in cop gear this morning.

Ned: Maybe there were a sale at the po-leece costume store.

Pons: Or the mayor has taken over the job in the sheriff's absence.

Ned: Well, Scar is your clone, so maybe that'll work out fer us.

Pons: I wish we could count on that. He is really a loose cannon sometimes.

Lisa: I am rather concerned about the regular sheriff. He never drank a lot before. I wonder if he was drugged. Wait! GED, didn't you mention seeing a two-headed person in the ochard?

GED: Yeah, I thought I saw a two-headed person, but I couldn't identify him or her if I saw them again.

Pons: What!? You couldn't identify a two-headed person again? How many two-headed people do you think there are, man?!

Ned: I saw a cool movie what was called "The Manster". Now that there dude had a extree head, but it were all werewolfy and nuts.

Pons: That was fiction, Ned.

Ned: There were anutter one what had a football player's body and head, wit a old feller's head stitched on too. It were "That Thing Wit Two Dang Heads".

GED: This person is real, man!

Lisa: I really only know one person, in this vicinity, who has two heads.

GED: Who is it?!

Pons: Who is it?!

Ned: Wonner when chow's comin'.

To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google.

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