I started out in life with the input of not being worthy of anything or anyone. As a child being cultivated, I was not receiving the loving and nurturing that is needed to have high self-esteem.

I was born in the sixties, a time when things were changing, and the rules of society were changing. The day I was born my biological parents were getting a divorce. I never met my biological father. My brother and I were put into foster care because my mother couldn't take care of us as a single mother. I was in Foster care until I was seven when my mother married the only father I knew.

In the foster care system, I was physically and emotionally abused, and I only remember some of this at times it is just flashes of memories. Being a young child without love and understanding, and only seeing my mother and my brother on a periodical basis, I didn't know what a family was or even where I belonged. This, of course, falls into another statistic of low self-esteem and constant longing for belonging. This longing for belonging to a family continued into adulthood.

When I was 10 my parents decided to move to Florida, and this, of course, had me lose friends that I made in school and the neighborhood. When we moved to Florida, my mother changed my last name to my stepfather's last name. I found out later in life my name was never legally changed. When I started school in Florida, as the new kid was bad enough, but since my parents made me dress in a certain way, which for Florida in the '70s made me a prime target to be ridiculed by the other children, and the last name I had now also was made fun of. Still looking for some acceptance by anyone, I pretty much was a quite lonely child and stayed that way up into high school.

When I was twelve I had been sick for a week with nausea and vomiting. One morning I woke up, went into the bathroom and vomited blood. My mother took me to the emergency room. I was hospitalized and put in isolation. I was weak and on a clear liquid diet, I was scared and wondering what was wrong with me.

My parents, nurses, and doctors came into the room wearing a mask, isolation gowns, and gloves. This is a terrifying experience for anyone even more for a child. I was poked and prodded and given antibiotics with no one even knowing exactly what was wrong with me. The medicine in the '70s was not like it is today. As quickly as I was sick, I started to feel better. The hospital eventually let me go home after being in isolation for almost a month. The diagnosis the doctor gave my parents was a sensitive stomach, which I later found out was ulcers. Most people understand ulcers come from stress. What kind of stress could a twelve-year-old have?

This was just the start of what was in store for me in the coming years. At this time my family as society calls them were together for five years and I was calling my stepfather, dad. My mother worked and my father worked and I took care of the house, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and such. Most children/teenagers had chores to do, but not what I had to do.

Most children/teenagers my age were hanging out with friends and such. The times I did hang out with friends and stuff was limited because when my parents worked and I had to stay home. When they both worked I couldn't go anywhere or have anyone over to the house. In addition, I had to make sure the house was clean and dinner was cooked, and laundry was done. This adds to the isolation of a child/teenager, and the continual feeling of not being worthy of anything.

I daydreamed I was Cinderella, and my Prince would come and save me. I did like the movie, and actually long into adulthood. I was looking for my Prince Charming to come and take me away. Something that later in life I would realize was just a fantasy. This fantasy had me going from one bad relationship after another, which included three marriages.

When I was thirteen and hitting puberty, my stepfather took an interest in me in a sexual way. I did not understand things at that time, but I was getting what I thought was love and belonging. The sexual contact, which later I realized was abuse, continued until I was seventeen. It was a different time, and this type of thing was not put out there in the public like it is today. I had to find a way out.

I tried on a few occasions to end my life and failed. I did find a way out, which adds to the sad story of my life. I was married at eighteen to a man that everyone told me to marry because he could take care of me. It was a way out of my house and away from my parents. I married a man that was controlling and treated me like a child. I left one bad environment into another.

I had a child at nineteen. Being a new mother at nineteen, was a scary thing for me. Again, I was on my own learning how to take care of this child. The last month of my pregnancy I was in bed because my blood pressure went up. It was evident that I was putting him out being in bed and only able to get up to use the bathroom, I didn't see it.

When we moved to Virginia, I knew no one except my in-laws. His controlling nature increased. He told me what to wear, how to look, and where to work. I had no friends except the friends I made at work, we would only interact at work. I met a man where I worked and found myself attracted to him. I didn't understand this, but of course, I was not happily married at that time.

Since I had never been with anyone, but my husband, I just tried to forget about it. He asked me to lunch one day, I almost said no. I was married, and my husband would punish me if he caught me. I found the nerve and said yes, knowing the consequences. I ended up having an affair with this man, and it changed me in many ways. I know if I hadn't had an affair with this man I would still be in a controlled unhappy environment.

My thinking was changing, but still had one bad relationship after another. My second husband was an alcoholic, but not the person with whom I had the affair. I divorced my second husband and continued to have one bad relationship after another. I was still looking for my prince. My third and my present husband is my prince. I have never felt so loved and so safe in my whole life.