FanStory.com - The Souvenirby Phil Martin1

Quite the Find

We were on very good terms with our neighbors of about 4 years in our San Diego, California neighborhood. We invite each other over for barbecues and Joe and I frequently sit in front of a tv somewhere on Sundays to watch a football game or two.

Our wives Annette and Ellie are in a book club together, workout at LA Fitness, and enjoy poetry reading events.

Last summer, we upgraded our backyard and had a pool put in. Nothing massive just your standard 16’ x 32’ family pool. It was quite the hangout for both our families.

Joe and Elle recently returned from visiting family in Gainesville Florida. We all convened at their back patio for the celebratory end of their vacation; to sip Mimosas and Hefeweizens while they gave us all the highlights of their trip.

They were excited about the resort they visited and the swampland tours they took there. They were like big kids describing how the airboat driver whipped them through the swamp, even giving them an extra thrill by “Tokyo-drifting” on the sharp turns.

“Sounds like a lot of fun.” Annette replied.

“Well that’s not the best part. We’ve found a bit of a souvenir.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” Joe said proudly.

“I’ll get it! I’ll get it!” Ellie said as she disappeared into the house.

“I know initially you guys are going to think we’re nuts, but I assure you, this is going to be great!”

“Wow Joe,” Donald said, “this is quite the buildup, the anticipation is killing us over here.”

Right then Ellie emerged with a mid-sized glass tank.

“Whaaaaa?!”

Donald exclaimed; he can’t believe what he’s seeing.

“No way, you guys can’t be serious,”

said Annette. “That’s crazy guys!”

In the glass case was a two-and-a-half-foot alligator.

“Isn’t he beautiful, he’s already grown a couple of inches since we’ve been back.”

“Whoa, I was actually thinking you brought back a snake or maybe an iguana, but you went all the way back to the evolutionary source! A fucking alligator!”

“No way this is safe Elle, no way!”

Annette was concerned, and her voice shook with emotion as she tried to implore her friend to abandon this idea.

“This thing is gonna grow and eat you guys! No, this is a terrible idea Sweetie.”

“No, no, it’s ok, We thought this through, of course, and made an informed decision. This wasn’t an impulse buy,”

“I don’t know buddy; it looks like an impulse buy with teeth!”

They all laughed, except Annette.

“How did you even come across somebody selling an alligator, Joe? I mean I know it’s Florida, but people aren’t just selling these at the Seven-Eleven.”

Part of the habitat tour involved observing the local wildlife, including gators. They also breed them there. This alligator was part of a litter that was to be raised within the wildlife preserve but unfortunately it was a runt. He was too small to compete with his siblings for food and eventually they would turn on him and consume him as well. The staff were going to have to put him down.

This completely exacerbated Ellie and after some, conversation, a disclaimer and cash she somehow convinced the preserve owner to allow them to take the little guy with them.

“And you were ok with this Joe?” Don asked incredulously.

Joe shrugged his shoulders: “

“I didn’t see any issues with it being so small right now. I guess I kinda kicked the can down the road as far dealing with him getting to be full sized. As it was explained to us they are very loyal and highly intelligent. Once domesticated, they are just like dogs, or goats.”

“Wait, wait,”

Annette asked,

“how did you get it on the plane?”

“Well, the preserve owner wrapped it for travel and fed it and we just added wet towels over it and placed it in our checked bags.”

“You ran it through baggage claim? Have you seen how they treat those suitcases?”

Don asked, almost laughing in disbelief.

“Oh yes, and I was sooooo worried about the little guy, I could hardly contain my anxiety the whole flight. I hoped he wasn’t too scared.”

“I told her, hey, honey it’s a reptile, they’re not scared of anything!”

My wife and I stood there perplexed. This has got to be the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas. Yet here they sat, two highly educated adults carrying on about one of the most dangerous animals on the planet like it’s a long-haired lab puppy.

I have to ask some grown-up questions; I steal a glance at my wife with a raised eyebrow and she shrugs, effectively giving me the go-ahead.

“Uh, Joe, firstly, how in the world do you domesticate an alligator? Is there like a shock collar? Here, when I zap you, it means don’t bite my finger off? I mean come on…”

“Ahhhh, ha, ha. I hear the sarcasm Don, no, no. As you feed him he gets used to your scent and your presence. He begins to associate you with food and satisfaction. It’s all positive reinforcement. He bonds with you.”

“Yeah, just like a dog, like we said. He won’t bite the hand that feeds him silly.”

Ellie chimed in.

“He eats chicken mostly, but we can throw in some fish, rodents, steak and even pork, you know to give him a variety. They guy gave us a pamphlet for use as a reference.”

“So you read “Alligators for Dummies”, and you think that prepared you?”

Annette asked.

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this; did you say rodents? You feed it rodents? Are you going to buy a shoe box full of mice and dump it in his glass case?”

“Oh, don’t be so crude Don, of course not.”
Joe said nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, not exactly a box full…”

“You really are going to go through with this? How long before he grows up to be a fully carnivorous reptile?”

“There’s some exotic animal farms around we can relocate him too when the time comes. For a fee, they’ll come and collect him, humanely of course, and he’ll live out his days at the California preserve.”

“Dude, is this even legal in California? Can Animal Control fine you or come confiscate it?”

“Well, it’s an ask for forgiveness instead of permission kinda thing. We aren’t breeding it or selling it for a profit, so therefore its characterized as an exotic pet in my opinion. It’s no more illegal that Tyson having a tiger or Michael Jackson having a chimpanzee.”

“But this is an alligator, Joe,”

Annette pleaded.

“A cold-blooded beast. Every incident I have ever seen involves an alligator snapping it’s jaws shut on some unsuspecting body part of the owner or trainer. We are trying to get you to see that this will end badly; You and Ellie are putting yourselves in danger.”

Annette’s hands were on her hips as she’s clearly frustrated we can’t seem to talk any sense into our friends.

“Look guys, I hear you, but we’ll be fine, come here.”

Joe stood and put his arms out and He Don and Annette had a group hug.

“Aww, there, that’s so much better,”

Ellie said.

“I, no, WE appreciate your concern. You’re good friends and you have raised some thoughtful questions, and I would expect no less. But friends, don’t worry, this is gonna be a great experience. Alex and us will grow to be..”

“Wait,”

Don interrupted,

“Alex? Alex alligator? Really Joe?”

“It absolutely fit like a glove, and when I called him that, his little eyelids flipped, I think he likes it.”

Ellie added.

She reached in and stroked the back of its head.

“You want to hold it?”

Here, it’s ok. Let me just get him situated…

She set the glass case on the table and reached in and grabbed its tail with her right hand and slid her left hand forward to grasp it under its jaw, but something must have spooked it. It let out a high-pitched snarl and spun its head and with its tiny but razor-sharp teeth clamped down on Ellie’s forefinger and thumb. Blood immediately spurted outward as Ellie screamed and knocked the glass case off the table which exploded when it hit the patio. Alex didn’t fall, however, he hung onto Ellie’s flesh, dangling and thrashing with all its body weight, as if trying to rend her flesh from her.

Blood started squirting out of its jaws as it whipped it’s body from side to side. Ellie grabbed at it and tried to pull it off, but it was dug in, and she screamed even louder. Joe grabbed it’s body and pulled but it was clamped down deep and pulling it made the flesh of Ellie’s thumb started to rip from her hand, making her cry out more. Ellie collapsed onto the patio screaming incoherently as the gators’ face was now bright red with the free-flowing blood from Ellie’s

mangled hand.

Annete grabbed a big hung of glass and was began hitting it on its head.

One blow! Two blows! Three blows! Finally the gator released its grip, rolled over onto the patio and scurried away.

“Oh Ellie, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

Joe said as he pulled off his shirt and attempted to stem the flow of blood from Ellie’s marred flesh. Her thumb was only hanging on by two tendons, and half the flesh from her index finger was tattered and torn. He wrapped it up with his shirt.

“Don, put pressure here! Please!”

he was almost in tears.

Annette had both hands covering her mouth and was wide eyed with disbelief as Ellie moaned and cradled her hand, she was growing visibly pale and going into shock no doubt.

Joe called 911 while Annette comforted Ellie.

Don quietly wondered if they’ll be able to save her thumb or not.

How could this thing have turned so deadly so fast?

“Shit, he thought, speaking of deadly, where is that little fucker?”

“Joe!, Joe, did you see where it went?”

“No, no, I didn’t. The little bastard’s probably terrified, hiding in some cubby-hole somewhere.

The dispatcher is sending animal control but maybe we can bag it before it gets away.”

“Damn, I fucked up Don, I’m such a fuck-up.”

He said in a frustrated tone.

“What was I thinking?!”

“Hey, Hey, let’s focus, no time for that now buddy, I’ll run to my house and get a spotlight real quick.”

He went out their back fence and crossed over onto his property.

He unlatched the back fence and headed for his tool shed on the other side of the pool when low and behold there was Alex.

He was casually floating in their pool. There was a red stain afloat around him, apparently Ellie’s blood. But Alex is totally oblivious to the carnage he caused; he’s merely enjoying the cool water.

Don doesn’t know why, but he thought about the story of the scorpion and the frog.

What did they expect, he’s an alligator.

As Don approached the pool Alex seemed to sense his presence and slowly paddled towards the edge of the pool towards Don.

“Wait, what’s this? What are you doing little guy?”

It turned it’s body exposing its tail and made a cooing sound.

“Please don’t let this be the second dumbest thing that happens today.”

Don squatted down and gently reached under the gator and scooped it up, holding it under its head and tail. He made sure to keep a firm grip on Alex and not expose any appendages that may trigger it.

“You need to be with your own kind, runt or not.”

He actually kinda liked the little guy.

“But, yeah, it’s time to go, you’ve caused enough trouble today.”

He heard the sirens approaching and headed back to Joe’s house.