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Cast:
Pons as Himself (the positive everyman)
Ned as Hisself (innocent and dim)
Pez as Himself (been around and has dark secrets)
Pallas as Character #4 (Pez' younger, smart-alec brother)
Fox = as Felix (either he or his brother is a clone)
Felix = as Fox (either his brother or he is a clone)
Matt as Himself (fun-loving good guy),
Jiffy as the Beaver (Matt's best buddy)
DED as Himself (Agent of Death)
Bill is beginning a first reading of a script that will include eight of the characters present as members of the story.
Bill: Okay, guys, listen up. This play will start out as a detective story, but will quickly broaden to include other genres.
Matt: What's a "shawnrah"?
Jiffy : It's an Irish term, I think. It means something like -- "You go, Shawn!"
Pallas : So, who are these Shawns? I'm not being no one named Shawn. It sounds like 'yawn', and that will be the beginning of the end.
Pez : (placing a hand on Pallas' shoulder and nodding negatively, then looking at Bill) Please go ahead, Boss.
Bill: The initial setting will be the office of the Fine and Fine Detective Agency.
Felix : We're thinking about changing the name to Fine and Finer. I would be the Finer, of course.
Fox : He means "thinking" metaphorically and ironically. Also the term "we" means him, and he has no authority to change names; he couldn't find a boat if he was in it.
Bill: Perhaps the initial setting should be a possible crime scene.
Ned: (standing quickly) I gots a place, Mr. Bill. I saw'd it on the tellervision t'utter day whiles I was watchin' "The Price's Right".
Pons: There was a crime on The Price is Right, Ned? What happened?
Ned: Well, they callt them folks down an' the first lady saw this here new refridjitator an' bid a sousand bucks on it.
Pallas : It must be one of those that talk to you and keep track of your milk spoil dates and how many hot dogs you have compared to the bun count. I wonder how it tracks buns?
Ned: I caint acall the feller said anythin' like that, but he did go on about utter stuff.
Pons: So, Ned. There was a crime?
Ned: Yup. Right after that lady bid her sousand dawlars, the next guy, who were wearin' a barrel an' had a tattoo of a spider on his face, said a sousand'n ten dawlars.
Pallas : Wait! Are you sure you weren't watchin' "Let's Make a Deal"?
Pez : Let him finish. I have no idea where he is going with this.
Ned: No, sir. This were the Price is Right -- an' the next lady said a sousand and eel-levan dawlers.
Pallas : Was that woman wearin' a pickle suit or somethin'?
Felix: Look, I don't mean to disrupt this riveting description of this bidding war, but can we get on with whatever we are doing.
Fox : Give him another minute, Flick.
Felix: It's like listening to bowling on the radio, only worse.
Pons: Bring it home, Ned.
Ned: Okeedokee. Soz the last feller only bid a dawler. Then the guy what runs the show opens up a li'l card and reads nine hundert'n ninety-nine dawlers. The one-dawler guy's lights astarted blinkin' an' he got the dang refridjitator.
Pallas : So, uh, what's the crime, dude?
Felix: It's obviously this story and the time it took for Notsobrite to spit it out.
Pons: (standing and addressing Felix) I have a crime in mind for you, Felix. Follow me to the other room and I will elaborate.
Felix: Feel free to start without me, dude.
Fox : I will be glad to accompany you to the door, Felix.
Pez : I will be glad to drag you there, Freelicks.
DED: (speaking to Ned) Not to worry, my friend. I have no sense of a death, however, I do feel a package of frozen peas and a dental appointment will become necessary.
Ned: Fellers, please dun do nuttin ta Fexter.
Jiffy : Crime! What's the crime, Nedward?
Ned: Oh, yeah. Well, whilst I were watchin' the feller git himself that there afflience fer a dawler bill, I saw out the winder that the carpet cleanin' truck from "Gimmee Rugs" ran right true a stop sign. That there's a crime, fer sure.
All present look to each other for a minute then look at Bill.
Bill: Okay then, the detective office.
Pons: (standing) What about the crime scene? What is the crime?
Fox : Is it a murder?
Matt: Is it a heist?
Jiffy : Well look who woke up. The crime here is your getting paid to sleep while the rest of us work out this story.
Matt: We don't get paid, Jif.
Jiffy : Now that's a crime.
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