Exceptional Euphemisms whitewashed and wrung dry Tell It Like It Isn't by Elizabeth Emerald Story of the Month contest entry

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language. Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content. Euphemism: the universal language. We all speak it fluently, consummate "evasionists" that we are. Indeed, we speak it unthinkingly; some common terms hiding craftily behind their customary euphemisms are themselves euphemisms so deeply entrenched in our collective consciousness that they escape recognition. How ironic this, especially when a Google query for "examples of euphemisms" returns the following: Downsizing as a euphemism for cuts (which itself is a euphemism for firings). Put to sleep instead of euthanize (which itself is a euphemism for put to death (which is itself a euphemism for kill)). Use the rest room instead of go to the bathroom (which--considering no tub need be present--is itself a euphemism for use the toilet (which is itself a euphemism for the specifics of how said toilet is made use of)). Powder your nose instead of use the "rest"(!)room (care for a catnap?)...etc. (((per preceding))). Differently-abled instead of handicapped or disabled (which are themselves PC euphemisms for specifics such as blind, deaf, crippled, retarded (which is itself a euphemism for last-century's official medical classifications: moron, imbecile, idiot, cretin)). Big-boned or portly instead of heavy or overweight (which are themselves euphemisms for obese (which is itself a euphemism for the F-word (my euphemism intentional)). Break wind instead of pass gas (which is itself a euphemism for the F-word (my euphemism intentional)). Sleep together instead of have sex (which is itself a euphemism for the F-word (my euphemism intentional)). So much for my synopsis of "nesting" season: euphemism within euphemism within...etc. Now, onto the season sans reason (which is itself a euphemism for way- over-the-rainbow-ridiculous). This nonsensical category comprises three sub-types. First up is the bass-ackwards division. On the streets instead of Homeless (Homeless is bland; On the streets is explicit). Turn a trick instead of Engage in prostitution (Engage in prostitution is utterly untitillating; Turn a trick mischievously naughty). Next are the (presumably) tongue-in-cheekers. Vertically-challenged instead of short (PC squad run amok, trampling a no-offense-intended, albeit unhelpfully vague, descriptor). Horizontally-challenged instead of fat (PC police ever more creatively non-judgmental). Chronologically-challenged instead of (chronically) late (PC cops outdoing themselves). Finally, the seriously un-funnies. The ultimate in outrage, is, of course, ethnic cleansing instead of genocide. Another corker in this category inspires this riddle: What's the difference between a happy marriage and a miserable one? In the former, the spouses want to take care of each other; in the latter, they want to take care of each other. Time for a twist. Let's talk euphemism-in-reverse. Purposefully impolite, unabashedly crass, colorfully crude. I decided to dub these tidbits dysphemisms--then discovered that this is in fact the word for them. For example, the ubiquitous euphemism for died is passed away; a common dysphemism for died is croaked (disrespect for the deceased is entirely intentional). Though I think them silly-sounding potty-talk, some contend that pee and poop are euphemisms for the respective (utterly respectable) clinical terms of the (euphemistic) elimination functions. Regardless, all would agree that piss and dump and other such vulgarities are dysphemisms. (Myself, I prefer euphemism, done doggy-style--as in taking my pup on a "business trip.") For another pair of examples, let's talk tits. Crude, but on point--so to speak--and a cinch to pronounce. I find the plural breasts difficult to articulate. Boobs--today's go-to inoffensive (?) slang per kids and adults alike--seems, to me, unbearably cute. Me, I'll take tits anytime. Segue to my coining of "bi-phemisms": words that swing both ways. As mentioned above, many consider pee, poop, and boobs euphemisms; I consider them undignified stand-ins. Though, I certainly concede that relative to piss, dump, and tits, the former trio can be considered euphemisms. One of the online entries in the dysphemism category is: Well-hung instead of has a large penis. I contend that well-hung can be well swung to the opposite pole--so to speak--if up against a cruder descriptor, such as, say, donkey dick. But...what about Butt? Simply short for buttocks--its half-moon so to speak. Can't go wrong there, albeit not my prefered B-word. Allow me to introduce Butt's kissing cousins, my familiar childhood friends: Backside and Behind (accent on either be or hind, your choice). Straightforward, two-syllable descriptors. Neither euphemisms or dysphemisms. "A-phemisms," shall we say? SOURCES www.google.com euphemism: a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.""downsizing" as a euphemism for "cuts" synonyms: polite term, indirect term, polite term, indirect term, circumlocution substitute, alternative, understatement, genteelism Some euphemisms are used in order to make a blunt or unpleasant truth seem less harsh. Examples of euphemisms that fall into this category include: Passed away instead of died Correctional facility instead of jail Departed instead of died Differently-abled instead of handicapped or disabled Fell off the back of a truck instead of stolen Ethnic cleansing instead of genocide Turn a trick instead of engage in prostitution Negative patient outcome instead of dead Relocation center instead of prison camp Collateral damage instead of accidental deaths Letting someone go instead of firing someone Put to sleep instead of euthanize Pregnancy termination instead of abortion On the streets instead of homeless Other euphemisms are used to take the place of words or phrases you might not want to say in polite company. Examples of euphemisms that fall into this category include: Adult entertainment instead of pornography Adult beverages instead of beer or liquor Au natural instead of naked Big-boned instead of heavy or overweight Portly instead of heavy or overweight Chronologically-challenged instead of late Comfort woman instead of prostitute Use the rest room instead of go to the bathroom Break wind instead of pass gas Economical with the truth instead of liar Powder your nose instead of use the rest room The birds and the bees instead of sex Between jobs instead of unemployed Go all the way instead of have sex Domestic engineer instead of maid Sanitation engineer instead of garbage man Vertically-challenged instead of short Sleep together instead of have sex In some cases, euphemisms [dysphemisms] are intentionally a grosser or less pleasant way of saying something. These are usually used when people are being sarcastic or trying to make light of a serious subject or make it seem less serious. Examples include: Batting for the other side instead of homosexual Bit the big one instead of died Bought the farm instead of died Cement shoes instead of dead Bit the dust instead of died Croaked instead of died Kick the bucket instead of die Blow chunks instead of vomited Hide the sausage instead of sex Making whoopee instead of sex Well-hung instead of having a large penis homeless 1. (of a person) without a home, and therefore typically living on the streets. euthanize 1. put (a living being, especially a dog or cat) to death humanely. https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/put-to-death Put to death definition: to kill deliberately or execute handicapped offensive having a condition that markedly restricts one's ability to function physically, mentally, or socially. "a special school for handicapped children" synonyms: disabled, incapacitated, disadvantaged, crippled; infirm, invalid; euphemistic physically challenged, differently abled "accommodations for handicapped customers" disabled 1. (of a person) having a physical or mental condition that limits movements, senses, or activities. "facilities for disabled people" synonyms: handicapped, incapacitated; debilitated, infirm, out of action; crippled, lame, paralyzed, immobilized, bedridden, paraplegic, quadriplegic, in a wheelchair; euphemistic physically challenged, differently abled "a disabled athlete" retarded 1. Dated offensive less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for one's age. cretin Informal offensive a stupid person (used as a general term of abuse).. MEDICINE (dated) a person who is deformed and mentally handicapped because of congenital thyroid deficiency. https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/moron-idiot-imbecile-offensive-history Idiot, imbecile, and moron were, not so long ago, used in a psychological classification system, and each one was assigned to a fairly specific range of abilities. Idiots.--Those so defective that the mental development never exceeds that or a normal child of about two years. Imbeciles.--Those whose development is higher than that of an idiot, but whose intelligence does not exceed that of a normal child of about seven years. Morons.--Those whose mental development is above that of an imbecile, but does not exceed that of a normal child of about twelve years. -- Edmund Burke Huey, Backward and Feeble-Minded Children, 1912 Recognized Author Notes Thanks to Joelgraphuchin for artwork: Love Breaks Every Frame Kindly employ euphemism when critiquing this piece. Examples: "different" and "unusual" are gentler ways of saying THIS SUCKS! (Alas for me, your true thoughts are written in the stars.)

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