Little ones
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Revival of the Red"5/7/5 poems
243 total reviews
Comment from jaliscomel
I like the repetition of the L sound and would have like it to carry through to the end. I think the first line might be better as lusty leeches lurk. Luminal really means an opening in an organism but I think you meant it to mean something more like light. As opening it lacks meaning.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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I like the repetition of the L sound and would have like it to carry through to the end. I think the first line might be better as lusty leeches lurk. Luminal really means an opening in an organism but I think you meant it to mean something more like light. As opening it lacks meaning.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Lurk lusty leaches
love luminal....
They are in link as 'leaches love'.
'lurk' here is meant to be the one with a suspected movement.
Thanks for kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from dmt1967
This is a great poem I like the way it sounds and the red writing is a nice touch good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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This is a great poem I like the way it sounds and the red writing is a nice touch good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from MM lives on :)
Vampires are indeed fascinating creatures.. Loved your poem written for the contest and loved how creative you were throughout.. Striking use of imagery. Best of luck
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Vampires are indeed fascinating creatures.. Loved your poem written for the contest and loved how creative you were throughout.. Striking use of imagery. Best of luck
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Lurk lusty leeches 'l' alliteration..like 'lusty leeches'
love luminal life-liquor 'l' alliteration LOVE 'lunimal'
rave resurrection 'r' alliteration LOVE 'rave' as in..?
Captures the essence of the 'dark side' very well.
Regards:
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Lurk lusty leeches 'l' alliteration..like 'lusty leeches'
love luminal life-liquor 'l' alliteration LOVE 'lunimal'
rave resurrection 'r' alliteration LOVE 'rave' as in..?
Captures the essence of the 'dark side' very well.
Regards:
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
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Dear AS: You deserved it. By the way, have you read my latest 3 liner..'The Demo Dance'?
Affectionately: Steve C
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I will surely.i just woke up..hehe..it's 7 am here.:-)
Comment from Zue65
I like the metaphor, the lusty leeches as blood suckers like the vampires, the luminal liquor, the red blood of course, and the resurrection is a dark immortal life, as opposed to Jesus' resurrection which is of God's. Nice, I just hope you will be more diplomatic in your reviews too, God bless, well done poet.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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I like the metaphor, the lusty leeches as blood suckers like the vampires, the luminal liquor, the red blood of course, and the resurrection is a dark immortal life, as opposed to Jesus' resurrection which is of God's. Nice, I just hope you will be more diplomatic in your reviews too, God bless, well done poet.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from TKField
I'm tempted to say this poem sucks...or bites maybe. But I'll just say it's kind of cutesy for a vampire Hi-Coo, what with the "L" alliteration. Furthermore, without your notes, I would have had absolutely no clue that this was even about vampires.
Lurk Lust Leeches...Verb (lurk) Lusty (adjective) Leeches (object/noun). What is a "lurk lusty leech"? You can say, "lusty leeches lurk", but "lurk lusty leeches" needs to have a prologue telling where the lusty leeches lurk from, or an epilogue telling us where the lusty leeches are lurking to.
Or you could have said "lurking lusty leeches", but to say, "lurk lusty leeches love luminal life-liquor", makes no sense, grammatically speaking.
Good job with all the L's but, like I said before, it gives the proceedings a sing-song quality and a lighthearted mood a vampire poem should avoid in a plague-like manner.
The last line; "Rave resurrection", is vague and ambiguous and takes some egregious grammatic liberties. What is happening here? The lusty leeches are resurrecting a rave? If rave is being used as a verb, how exactly do you rave something? Like; I just raved my breakfast. I raved to the store for a pack of gum. You can rant and rave, but you can't "rave resurrection". You can crave resurrection, but I guess you needed the "R". Too bad you had to force it.
I hate to correct author's notes, but sometimes they reveal a lot. Everything you put before the public as a writer is a reflection on how seriously you take your writing.
You say, "vampires are a fascinating creature". Since "vampires" is plural, it needs to read; "vampires are fascinating creatures" or "A vampire is a fascinating creature." You can't say, "Vampires are a fascinating creature".
Then you don't capitalize the beginning of the next sentence, "the cold blooded ones bring death,but in lieu,they gift reincarnation-Revival of the Red". The point here is obscured by a misuse of terms (as well as awkward sentence structure).
According to the mythology, vampires don't "gift reincarnation", they turn their victims into the living dead. Do you know what reincarnation is? Reincarnation means your soul is reborn in a totally different body. If a vampire bites someone they are not reincarnated.
I mean, you push this to the top of the first page and don't bother to fix the typos or clarify your author's notes? I don't get it.
PS: You do realize that vampires are fictional beings and don't actually exist, right?
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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I'm tempted to say this poem sucks...or bites maybe. But I'll just say it's kind of cutesy for a vampire Hi-Coo, what with the "L" alliteration. Furthermore, without your notes, I would have had absolutely no clue that this was even about vampires.
Lurk Lust Leeches...Verb (lurk) Lusty (adjective) Leeches (object/noun). What is a "lurk lusty leech"? You can say, "lusty leeches lurk", but "lurk lusty leeches" needs to have a prologue telling where the lusty leeches lurk from, or an epilogue telling us where the lusty leeches are lurking to.
Or you could have said "lurking lusty leeches", but to say, "lurk lusty leeches love luminal life-liquor", makes no sense, grammatically speaking.
Good job with all the L's but, like I said before, it gives the proceedings a sing-song quality and a lighthearted mood a vampire poem should avoid in a plague-like manner.
The last line; "Rave resurrection", is vague and ambiguous and takes some egregious grammatic liberties. What is happening here? The lusty leeches are resurrecting a rave? If rave is being used as a verb, how exactly do you rave something? Like; I just raved my breakfast. I raved to the store for a pack of gum. You can rant and rave, but you can't "rave resurrection". You can crave resurrection, but I guess you needed the "R". Too bad you had to force it.
I hate to correct author's notes, but sometimes they reveal a lot. Everything you put before the public as a writer is a reflection on how seriously you take your writing.
You say, "vampires are a fascinating creature". Since "vampires" is plural, it needs to read; "vampires are fascinating creatures" or "A vampire is a fascinating creature." You can't say, "Vampires are a fascinating creature".
Then you don't capitalize the beginning of the next sentence, "the cold blooded ones bring death,but in lieu,they gift reincarnation-Revival of the Red". The point here is obscured by a misuse of terms (as well as awkward sentence structure).
According to the mythology, vampires don't "gift reincarnation", they turn their victims into the living dead. Do you know what reincarnation is? Reincarnation means your soul is reborn in a totally different body. If a vampire bites someone they are not reincarnated.
I mean, you push this to the top of the first page and don't bother to fix the typos or clarify your author's notes? I don't get it.
PS: You do realize that vampires are fictional beings and don't actually exist, right?
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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It's sad that you have limited vocabulary and do not watch movies.
So i don't want to waste my time expalaining what each word meant.
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Yeah, right. I happen to teach film history at Salisbury State and I just finished War and Peace.....in Klingon! Rave-on AS.
Comment from mizzkris20
What an excellent poem. The photo enhances your poem and uses alliterations. this is a fine contest entry and i wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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What an excellent poem. The photo enhances your poem and uses alliterations. this is a fine contest entry and i wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my, in this contest entry for the 5/7/5 poem contest you have words beginning with 'l' and then 'r' excellent job. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Oh my, in this contest entry for the 5/7/5 poem contest you have words beginning with 'l' and then 'r' excellent job. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your words and excellent review:-)
Comment from Gert sherwood
what an unusual way to describe a vampire like it's a leech that can revive life so the peron will also desire to do the same to another poor victim.
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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what an unusual way to describe a vampire like it's a leech that can revive life so the peron will also desire to do the same to another poor victim.
Gert
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your words and excellent review:-)
Comment from marijmd
Well I always love alliteration, and you do it so very well here in your poem. Great image you chose - made me want to click and read. Very cool, creepy and dark!
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Well I always love alliteration, and you do it so very well here in your poem. Great image you chose - made me want to click and read. Very cool, creepy and dark!
Comment Written 09-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2013
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Thanks for your kind words and excellent review:-)