Murder or Coincidence
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Murder or Coincidence? Part 3"Was it Murder
30 total reviews
Comment from FredCollingwood
I think what I like about your writing is that it's so natural. The dialogue is the way normal people talk. One minor nit:
They'd stood vigil throughout the night. Seeing the damage in the daylight left them with little hope that their friends( )survived. > extra space
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I think what I like about your writing is that it's so natural. The dialogue is the way normal people talk. One minor nit:
They'd stood vigil throughout the night. Seeing the damage in the daylight left them with little hope that their friends( )survived. > extra space
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Fred Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it. I am not one to write with big words...like I tell my kids, I know the words but for many it might go over their heads and I want everyone to be able to enjoy the story.
That was weird about the space. On the story you were right and on the editor it put survived on the next line. I fixed it though...thanks for catching that.
Thanks again for reading and for the kind review. Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
I loved this part of the story. You managed pretty much to stay in one pov, there was the angry wife determined to not be hit again. Wonderfully done.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I loved this part of the story. You managed pretty much to stay in one pov, there was the angry wife determined to not be hit again. Wonderfully done.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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fictionwriter
Third times the charm!! Thanks for reading and for your reviews. They both were mixed up young adults...and still are! The ending wasn't true of course. They have a baby which they both adore...just not each other. Hopefully they will learn that they are setting an example for their daughter. Thanks again Carol
Comment from RapturedHeart
So Sandi's dead (. . . )did she die from a broken heart?" Rebecca's voice was bitter. She turned to face Lee, "Or from all the pain you must have caused her(,) too!"
Well, that certainly was a twist ending. Since you asked--I probably would have gone a different direction with the ending, and here's what I'm thinking (not saying I'm right):
(1) Lee's sudden turn from darkness to light doesn't seem consistent with his drinking, gambling, irresponsible behaviour. It all just seems to happen to quickly and neatly.
(2) We're left not really liking Rebecca at all--especially since she started the violence by whacking him with the pan in the first place. She turns psychotic without enough of a building up to that, I'm thinking. Guess I was thinking it would be more of a 'surprising but true' ending, and it's turned out to be more of a 'supernatural' bit. But that's just my personal take:).
Still had me gripped, though! Thanks for sharing, and take care,
Heather
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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So Sandi's dead (. . . )did she die from a broken heart?" Rebecca's voice was bitter. She turned to face Lee, "Or from all the pain you must have caused her(,) too!"
Well, that certainly was a twist ending. Since you asked--I probably would have gone a different direction with the ending, and here's what I'm thinking (not saying I'm right):
(1) Lee's sudden turn from darkness to light doesn't seem consistent with his drinking, gambling, irresponsible behaviour. It all just seems to happen to quickly and neatly.
(2) We're left not really liking Rebecca at all--especially since she started the violence by whacking him with the pan in the first place. She turns psychotic without enough of a building up to that, I'm thinking. Guess I was thinking it would be more of a 'surprising but true' ending, and it's turned out to be more of a 'supernatural' bit. But that's just my personal take:).
Still had me gripped, though! Thanks for sharing, and take care,
Heather
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Heather It didn't really happen that quick in real life, but I didn't plan on stretching the story out any further. This is a section of a book my son and I are writing. I just wanted to see how it went over. Actually, the couple are divorced, have a baby girl and are still struggling to normalize her world. Thanks again. Carol
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Wow--I had no idea this was based on a true story! Thanks for filling me in.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
The ending did come a bit quick, but actually it is also apt. I mean where else could the story have gone.
The marriage was doomed- at least if the woman had any sence. I got a perverted joy out of the fact that at least she got to scare the devil out of Lee.
Thank God, I have never even known an abusive husband, but I have encountered many in the course of my work.
I think you have captured the feelings of all parties very well, and you have managed to convey that pervasive sence of disaster too.
Kindest regards,
Juliette
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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The ending did come a bit quick, but actually it is also apt. I mean where else could the story have gone.
The marriage was doomed- at least if the woman had any sence. I got a perverted joy out of the fact that at least she got to scare the devil out of Lee.
Thank God, I have never even known an abusive husband, but I have encountered many in the course of my work.
I think you have captured the feelings of all parties very well, and you have managed to convey that pervasive sence of disaster too.
Kindest regards,
Juliette
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Juliette
Thanks for reading and for reviewing. This is part of a book my son and I are writing. I wanted a sounding board to see if the characters and their actions were believable. Appreciate your input. Carol
Comment from Phil Kitom
A story that started with the sadness of a deserted husband who still loved his wife. Then finding her after fighting with his second wife. Then losing his first wife again, then in the process losing his second wife also... Wow what a mixed up life the deceased surely had... Well done Carol...
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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A story that started with the sadness of a deserted husband who still loved his wife. Then finding her after fighting with his second wife. Then losing his first wife again, then in the process losing his second wife also... Wow what a mixed up life the deceased surely had... Well done Carol...
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Phil The unfortunate part is this happened except for the ending to an ex-friend of my son. The couple did have a child together, one they both love dearly. Too bad they couldn't learn the same between themselves. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from Belinda
This chapter is as well written and suspenseful as the former ones. However, when I scrolled down the page as I read it, I thought this sentence was already the ending: "Beneath the collapsed roof, the crumbled walls, shattered glass, and the stately old maple lay two lifeless, young bodies."
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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This chapter is as well written and suspenseful as the former ones. However, when I scrolled down the page as I read it, I thought this sentence was already the ending: "Beneath the collapsed roof, the crumbled walls, shattered glass, and the stately old maple lay two lifeless, young bodies."
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Belinda Very observant of you. It was the ending orignally. The story was based on the lives of a past friend of my son's except for the ending of course. The couple had a baby, which they love dearly...just not each other. Anyhow, my son wanted me to add the part where he says goodbye...thus the new ending. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from LexieMannix
I read all three parts and liked this story. It had that typical 'real life issues' about it, as well as how many people respond to each other when a bad relationship is breaking down, for whatever reasons. Each part flowed nicely, one to the next. My only thought is that, overall, it felt a bit rushed. Your writing is very good (I've read a lot of your work, Carol--I know, I don't review much, but do quietly read often), so I wonder if, like many of us, you felt pressured by the complaint that long posts are disliked, even when in parts? For so much happening, it felt a little clipped, so that's why I ask. The ending was a surprise, and I tend to prefer the unexpected, so it worked well for me. Good write, although sad it's based on truth.
Lexie
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I read all three parts and liked this story. It had that typical 'real life issues' about it, as well as how many people respond to each other when a bad relationship is breaking down, for whatever reasons. Each part flowed nicely, one to the next. My only thought is that, overall, it felt a bit rushed. Your writing is very good (I've read a lot of your work, Carol--I know, I don't review much, but do quietly read often), so I wonder if, like many of us, you felt pressured by the complaint that long posts are disliked, even when in parts? For so much happening, it felt a little clipped, so that's why I ask. The ending was a surprise, and I tend to prefer the unexpected, so it worked well for me. Good write, although sad it's based on truth.
Lexie
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Lexie
Thanks so much for reading the entire story. You might have something there. Everyone wanted the entire story and I did want it read together like you did. I probably should have polished it off before posting any of it. Guess that's why I can never post a novel without having it done...Many write as they go...I change my mind too much. Thanks for reading and enjoying. I truly appreciate when someone follows my writing. Take care CArol
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I like your versatility as a writer, and my favourites are your touching pieces about your son. You're a very caring lady. Cheers, Carol.
Comment from dmjones
I liked the ending though sad. It could also work to keep one or the other alive but I do think the way you have it was fitting. Lee changed her and he didn't realize until it was too late.
to the vendor(.)
Gusts (of) wind snapped tree
and tossed lose(loose) debris
gun and pointed (it)directly at Lee.
slammed in(either it in or just it and delete in) into Rebecca and Lee's apartment.
the storm had (delete had) caused.
their friends had(you can here also) survived.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I liked the ending though sad. It could also work to keep one or the other alive but I do think the way you have it was fitting. Lee changed her and he didn't realize until it was too late.
to the vendor(.)
Gusts (of) wind snapped tree
and tossed lose(loose) debris
gun and pointed (it)directly at Lee.
slammed in(either it in or just it and delete in) into Rebecca and Lee's apartment.
the storm had (delete had) caused.
their friends had(you can here also) survived.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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dmjones
I think I have corrected the errors. I tried to post this chapter to quickly...everyone was looking for the ending. Thanks so much for the review and your assistance. Carol
Comment from Sarabran
A very good read. It wasn't the happy ending that i would have liked better, but it was well written, and we can't always have happy endings to our stories. It flowed well and was filled with excitement. Sarabran
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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A very good read. It wasn't the happy ending that i would have liked better, but it was well written, and we can't always have happy endings to our stories. It flowed well and was filled with excitement. Sarabran
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Sara I prefer happy endings too...this one wasn't meant to be. Thanks so much for reading and the review. I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from patwannabe
Carol, I'm the odd man out. I didn't like the ending. I'm glad it wasn't a split vote, because I'm a minority of one :-) I read through your other reviews (10) and they all liked it. I really felt that Lee meant it this time and that this marriage could have been salvaged. I hate abuse, I was a minor victim, and he got what he deserved, but it left me a little dissatisfied. It's OK, though. You dd a great job with the whole thing. Others loved it. Take care, pat
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Carol, I'm the odd man out. I didn't like the ending. I'm glad it wasn't a split vote, because I'm a minority of one :-) I read through your other reviews (10) and they all liked it. I really felt that Lee meant it this time and that this marriage could have been salvaged. I hate abuse, I was a minor victim, and he got what he deserved, but it left me a little dissatisfied. It's OK, though. You dd a great job with the whole thing. Others loved it. Take care, pat
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Pat In real life he didn't get the second chance with Rebecca either...but he didn't get killed. They divorced and have a baby girl that they both love unconditionally. It's strange how they can love that child but not each other. Maybe down the road...who knows. Thanks for reading and for having your own opinion. That's okay. Thanks again Carol