Paranoia
A woman is wary of a stranger on the subway.30 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Bell
Wow. Totally didn't see that coming. I thought he moral of the story would be something along the lines of "don't judge a book by it's cover," but instead it's turned out to be something along the line of "trust your instincts."
This is a great piece of flash fiction, the only thing that left me wanting a little was the very end line. I like that you ended the story with Jenna and the mugger exiting, because I honestly feel that in short pieces such as this the reader should draw their own conclusions.
However, I think maybe one more line would have sealed the deal and added the punch. Even something as small as Jenna hearing the subway doors seal behind her with the telltale rattle, or feeling the mugger's eyes burning into the back of her neck, or glancing at the flickering light on the ceiling of the station and feeling her stomach in her throat.
Just a suggestion, still very worthy of a five star rating.
Great job, and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Wow. Totally didn't see that coming. I thought he moral of the story would be something along the lines of "don't judge a book by it's cover," but instead it's turned out to be something along the line of "trust your instincts."
This is a great piece of flash fiction, the only thing that left me wanting a little was the very end line. I like that you ended the story with Jenna and the mugger exiting, because I honestly feel that in short pieces such as this the reader should draw their own conclusions.
However, I think maybe one more line would have sealed the deal and added the punch. Even something as small as Jenna hearing the subway doors seal behind her with the telltale rattle, or feeling the mugger's eyes burning into the back of her neck, or glancing at the flickering light on the ceiling of the station and feeling her stomach in her throat.
Just a suggestion, still very worthy of a five star rating.
Great job, and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Thank you for the great review. I wanted to end on that line because I began the story with the observation that people don't look at each other much, so I wanted to end that nobody was looking. I appreciate the idea though.
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I see where you're coming from, tying in the general premise of not paying attention with the ending line.
Another suggestion, and again, this is only a suggestion...what about makig the last line stand alone for more emphasis?
No one was looking.
Bam!
In any case, a well written story. It was a pleasure to read.
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written with an Alfred Hitchcock's ending. Realistic dialogue. Good descriptive scheme and good imagery. The dangers of riding the subway alone.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Very well written with an Alfred Hitchcock's ending. Realistic dialogue. Good descriptive scheme and good imagery. The dangers of riding the subway alone.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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thank you very much
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You're welcome.
Comment from William Walz
very nicely done. good flow, believable premise, and a great ending that tied it all together perfectly. my only problem was this guy must have had the eyes of an eagle to read an address label on a magazine cover. just a small quibble. great little story nonetheless.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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very nicely done. good flow, believable premise, and a great ending that tied it all together perfectly. my only problem was this guy must have had the eyes of an eagle to read an address label on a magazine cover. just a small quibble. great little story nonetheless.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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I thought of that, but I figured he could have read it when he got closer to her. He had already picked her out, he just moved closer to try to figure his angle to approach her. Thanks for the great review.
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makes sense. ok, no quibble at all.
Comment from empire76
Oh, this is wonderful. I loved teh twist at the end. Wasn't expecting it, to tell you the truth. Very nicely done. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Nothing to change
Empi
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Oh, this is wonderful. I loved teh twist at the end. Wasn't expecting it, to tell you the truth. Very nicely done. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Nothing to change
Empi
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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thanks, empi, so glad you enjoyed
Comment from angel of the quill
great work a though provoking piece
and full of honesty
with emotion and horror complete enough to make the flow
pefect
a possiblity of such an event happening is sadly
likely more than not
yet this could become a part two if the author wanted it
good work
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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great work a though provoking piece
and full of honesty
with emotion and horror complete enough to make the flow
pefect
a possiblity of such an event happening is sadly
likely more than not
yet this could become a part two if the author wanted it
good work
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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thank you for the great review, angel
Comment from auswag
Hi redrider6612. An excellent start. No gremlins that I could see anywhere and the story flowed nicely from beginning to end. Nice work with the character descriptions and the build up was good. It finished nicely with an unexpected twist. A1 in my book. all the best, auswag
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Hi redrider6612. An excellent start. No gremlins that I could see anywhere and the story flowed nicely from beginning to end. Nice work with the character descriptions and the build up was good. It finished nicely with an unexpected twist. A1 in my book. all the best, auswag
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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thank you for the kind words, auswag
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You're welcome, and good luck. auswag
Comment from nitad
Red,
Nice work on this little piece of flash fiction. It should do very well in the contest. Lots of tension and drama with a nice little cliffhanger at the end. Well written dialogue that keeps the reader attention and helps to move the story along.
Nicely done!
Nita
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Red,
Nice work on this little piece of flash fiction. It should do very well in the contest. Lots of tension and drama with a nice little cliffhanger at the end. Well written dialogue that keeps the reader attention and helps to move the story along.
Nicely done!
Nita
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Thank you for the review and the kind words, nita
Comment from Moira's Amethyst
I'd have to say that I enjoyed the pace and scenery most about this piece. Undoubtedly there are other aspects to which I was intrigued by; imagery for example...yes, there was much of that. You've detailed this enough for the reader to gain a strong grasp as to how the story, at each moment, held together. I haven't any critique to lend and noticed nowhere I might suggest improvement. Please, take care.
Poetry's Protege
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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I'd have to say that I enjoyed the pace and scenery most about this piece. Undoubtedly there are other aspects to which I was intrigued by; imagery for example...yes, there was much of that. You've detailed this enough for the reader to gain a strong grasp as to how the story, at each moment, held together. I haven't any critique to lend and noticed nowhere I might suggest improvement. Please, take care.
Poetry's Protege
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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thank you for the great review
Comment from ThyLordDracula
She should have continued to be wary- better to be wary and alive than gullible and ... great story- good luck in the contest- respectfully ^v^
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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She should have continued to be wary- better to be wary and alive than gullible and ... great story- good luck in the contest- respectfully ^v^
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Thanks for the great review, v
Comment from Rajasir
Thriller! Short but very powerful.I like the way you write and maintain the trill through the speed of the events.Good work.
Bless you,
Rajasir
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Thriller! Short but very powerful.I like the way you write and maintain the trill through the speed of the events.Good work.
Bless you,
Rajasir
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2008
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Thank you very much, rajasir. Glad you liked it.