A Night From Hell
A ride home takes a bad turn27 total reviews
Comment from lola29
This is an exhilirating story filled with intrigue and suspense--great ingredients. I really thought she was doomed until she found the mace and aimed it at Alex and sprayed. What courage that must have taken for her to do that.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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This is an exhilirating story filled with intrigue and suspense--great ingredients. I really thought she was doomed until she found the mace and aimed it at Alex and sprayed. What courage that must have taken for her to do that.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Thank you so much for your review and nice comments. It is good to see your name among my reviewers. I've been away over a month and it's good to be back.
Beth
Comment from Begin Again
Beth,
Where have you been, girl friend? Where ever it was, you came back gang busters with a terrific story. Held my attention from start to finish. Very well done.
Carol
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Beth,
Where have you been, girl friend? Where ever it was, you came back gang busters with a terrific story. Held my attention from start to finish. Very well done.
Carol
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks Carol, for the great review. I've had a computer virus and also company for the last month. I can wait to find time to read your work which I've missed. Unfortunately, I will have company again from the first of June until August. I need to get busy reading.
Beth
Comment from WRITER1
This is a good story and tells young girls they are not powerless in the hands of adversity. I think everyone should learn to fight for their rights.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This is a good story and tells young girls they are not powerless in the hands of adversity. I think everyone should learn to fight for their rights.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you for the review and nice comments. I've had company and computer problems for the last month. I'm just getting back into it.
Beth
Comment from barbara.wilkey
VERy good. I liked the story and I liked the way you finished it.
All I won't is to go home," (All I want)
"I won't tell a soul about this. If you just won't hurt me and will take me home." (Too wordy here; try; "I won't tell a soul, just take me home." The previous sentence also covers it.)
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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VERy good. I liked the story and I liked the way you finished it.
All I won't is to go home," (All I want)
"I won't tell a soul about this. If you just won't hurt me and will take me home." (Too wordy here; try; "I won't tell a soul, just take me home." The previous sentence also covers it.)
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you Barbara for the lovely review and for catching the spag and the suggestion. I have change it as you suggested.
Beth
Comment from RoxanneCrouse
I think the following sentence "She ran blindly through bushes and trees, rhododendrons clawing at her face as she knelt, hiding, watching fearfully as they came, floating, glowing like miniature winged aurora borealis, creeping in on the damp night air; nasty little flitting butterflies hunting her down to whisper evil things in her ears." is just too long. I would break it up into at least two separate sentences.
You have some passive voice too "She was new in the city. This was her first time on her own away from the small town where she grew." Any time your using the word was a lot , your most likely writing in passive voice which sounds weak to the reader. You may want to try "She moved to the city only a month ago. She grew up in a small town and found the city terrifying.
Instead of telling us "The woods were frightening at night" actually show how they were frightening at night,something like "her heart pounded and her body quivered with fear. She felt blind, her wouldn't ajust to the dark. We experience it with her more that way.
Again more telling here "he became abusive and slapped her hard across her face." I would drop the "he became abusive and describe more of what he actually did. The slapped her part is great tell more details.
The middle part is great, not a lot of passive voice and not a lot of telling. Rewrite the beginning and ending to match it and this will be a great story.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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I think the following sentence "She ran blindly through bushes and trees, rhododendrons clawing at her face as she knelt, hiding, watching fearfully as they came, floating, glowing like miniature winged aurora borealis, creeping in on the damp night air; nasty little flitting butterflies hunting her down to whisper evil things in her ears." is just too long. I would break it up into at least two separate sentences.
You have some passive voice too "She was new in the city. This was her first time on her own away from the small town where she grew." Any time your using the word was a lot , your most likely writing in passive voice which sounds weak to the reader. You may want to try "She moved to the city only a month ago. She grew up in a small town and found the city terrifying.
Instead of telling us "The woods were frightening at night" actually show how they were frightening at night,something like "her heart pounded and her body quivered with fear. She felt blind, her wouldn't ajust to the dark. We experience it with her more that way.
Again more telling here "he became abusive and slapped her hard across her face." I would drop the "he became abusive and describe more of what he actually did. The slapped her part is great tell more details.
The middle part is great, not a lot of passive voice and not a lot of telling. Rewrite the beginning and ending to match it and this will be a great story.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you so much for your suggestions. They are excellent and I will use them. As to the first sentence, it is not mine. It was suggested a member of my writing club. Everyone developed a story from that sentence and we weren't allowed to change it. I guess I could have for this site however.
Beth
Comment from Mariea
Great story line Beth. The story develops well as it progresses and without any clutter. Characters and dialogue believeable. Just a couple of spags.
Line starting 'where she' - insert 'up'
Line starting 'Look, bitch' - insert 'the' after hard. that/that's.
Line starting 'he was' - anger/angered.
Have a great day, regards Mia
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reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Great story line Beth. The story develops well as it progresses and without any clutter. Characters and dialogue believeable. Just a couple of spags.
Line starting 'where she' - insert 'up'
Line starting 'Look, bitch' - insert 'the' after hard. that/that's.
Line starting 'he was' - anger/angered.
Have a great day, regards Mia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thanks for the review and for finding those spags. I have fixed them. I appreciate your comments.
Beth
Comment from harleyangelbrat
This is a great story. It is expressive and descriptive which makes for an interesting read. Your characters came to life and made your story come alive, as well. What great descriptions you used to make the reader feel like the story was really happening. I really enjoyed reading your story. It is an excellent read. God bless you!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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This is a great story. It is expressive and descriptive which makes for an interesting read. Your characters came to life and made your story come alive, as well. What great descriptions you used to make the reader feel like the story was really happening. I really enjoyed reading your story. It is an excellent read. God bless you!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 09-May-2010
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Thank you so much for the review and lovely comments. I really appreciate what you said. I haven't seen your name before. It is interesting. Hope to see you again and read some of your work.
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You are very welcome. Check out my profile and read some if you like. Have a blessed week. Marilyn