Comment from Belinda

Excellent

Hi, Alvin, on top of the interesting story you tell here, there is another sad layer about nurses in houses like this who do not really care for the patients and treat them inhumanly. Timely story with a good eye-opener.

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

Thanks for understanding the story so well.

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Excellent writing with superb word economy and strong dialog, well paced and clearly conveying the characterization with speech style and content. Not a single superfluous word! No spags or nits. Tight and polished style with fluid flow adn pacing.

Unique setting and characters, well depicted. Clever closing twist with clear set up of conflict and resolution.

Also fits contest requirements.(though I did not double check the word count...is this 700 words or more?)

Simply fine writing!

Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for inviting me to read.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

I am not sure about the word count,but I usually do count. Thanks for a good review.

Comment from Readywriter52

Excellent

Chuck has found a unique way to get revenge. He tricked the doctor into setting up the room for electroshock therapy and Nurse Bitch get the shock.

 Comment Written 28-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

You got it! I love this story. Thanks for a great review.

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello author
Good I see you have the font larger.
I enjoyed your story
I like the theme and how you made it a desire to continue on reading to your closure which sort of left me wondering if the tragic event did happen?

Good luck
Gert

 Comment Written 28-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

Ah, but that is I--leaving it up for the reader to think about what happens next. Thanks for a good review.

Comment from allborn66

Excellent

This is a very interesting tale. I think you should make the font size larger - it was a little difficult to read. You might want to give a reason for Nurse Worthily surly behavior; I think it would add to the depth of the story.
Barbara

 Comment Written 28-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

I think I did make the font larger. Some people are just mean to the innocent. I wanted to illustrate that. Thanks for a good review.

Comment from Cooper Watt

Excellent

Yowser! Don't know who's more evil, Chuck or the nurse. Made me think of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Good job. There were a couple of small nits here and there....

For example:

I came up (to) the group

Good luck with the contest!
Coop.

 Comment Written 28-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2010

Thanks, Coop. I can't proof my own work; what were the other nits you saw? Thanks again for your help and for an excellent review. (By the way, for clarification, how do you see Chuck as evil?)

Comment from sasil

Excellent

Were there no orderlies present? Didn't Nurse Ratchet have to secure clearance for the party? Will she get a scramble and free admission to the club? I wanna' know!

Good use of voice, setting and dialogue. The characters are all believable and speak as such--nothing stilted or checked when the main characters interact. Nice job!

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

Yes, I do need to deal with the questions of orderlies. I'll do that if and when I publish this piece. Thanks for a good review.

Comment from mumanoon

Excellent

I liked the dialogue kept me interested in the story till the end. I think this is a very good tale. I wish you well in the contest. Good luck

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2010

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reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012

Thanks for a great review.