Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rollin on the River"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Earl This chapter looks interesting and I look forward to reading it.
I am assuming you want honest opinions and suggestions for your writing. I will do that, however, if you feel I am being too hard or honest, simply tell me and I will not review your work again. I always tell new people that because I have to know where we stand.
Always start any of your chapters with a "hook" By this I mean, a sentence or thought that grabs the reader and induces them to want to read on. In your case, the opener is not that in my opinion. I suggest something like this: " The last thing Doo remembered was walking off the cliff to get away from the Shawnees." (perfect)
Then very next thing that got my attention was your lack of paragraphing. Paragraphs serve a very important purpose in writing. Number one, they give the reader "mental breaks, if you will as they are reading. and number two, they help the pacing of the narrative. Without paragraphing, your work is not considered "reader-friendly" and the chances of good reviews are slim to none.
You have no paragraphing. If you need tips on when and how to use them, I will be glad to help. Just ask, Earl
Ordinarily, I wouldn't even review something like this because of no paragraphing. It looks like one long write.
So, on to the actual writing.
"ton of bricks" is called a cliche. (overused phrase in other words)
and not considered good in writing.
You use far too many tags. Like he replied. Work on eliminated all tags except for He said and she said or asked. They may sound repetitive I know, but trust me, it is the best way. An occasional, remarked is okay, but that's it, Earl.
Example: ""Now what?" asked Lonesome Owl." Instead use this:
"Now what, said Lonesome Owl?"
I sincerely hope yo can use these tips, my friend. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
  |
Hi, Earl This chapter looks interesting and I look forward to reading it.
I am assuming you want honest opinions and suggestions for your writing. I will do that, however, if you feel I am being too hard or honest, simply tell me and I will not review your work again. I always tell new people that because I have to know where we stand.
Always start any of your chapters with a "hook" By this I mean, a sentence or thought that grabs the reader and induces them to want to read on. In your case, the opener is not that in my opinion. I suggest something like this: " The last thing Doo remembered was walking off the cliff to get away from the Shawnees." (perfect)
Then very next thing that got my attention was your lack of paragraphing. Paragraphs serve a very important purpose in writing. Number one, they give the reader "mental breaks, if you will as they are reading. and number two, they help the pacing of the narrative. Without paragraphing, your work is not considered "reader-friendly" and the chances of good reviews are slim to none.
You have no paragraphing. If you need tips on when and how to use them, I will be glad to help. Just ask, Earl
Ordinarily, I wouldn't even review something like this because of no paragraphing. It looks like one long write.
So, on to the actual writing.
"ton of bricks" is called a cliche. (overused phrase in other words)
and not considered good in writing.
You use far too many tags. Like he replied. Work on eliminated all tags except for He said and she said or asked. They may sound repetitive I know, but trust me, it is the best way. An occasional, remarked is okay, but that's it, Earl.
Example: ""Now what?" asked Lonesome Owl." Instead use this:
"Now what, said Lonesome Owl?"
I sincerely hope yo can use these tips, my friend. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
-
Bob i appreciate your pointers. I know better as far as paragraph breaks, i was in too much of a hurry to get it posted. It should be a much easier read now.
I take your meaning about the "hook", and changed it.
I didn' realize how many tags i had until you pointed them out.
Of course i respect your reviewing skills and i want an honest one. Therell be enough stroking my ego I'll need someone to keep me honest. Take another look, and any other suggestions are welcome.
-
You got it, Earl. Bob
Comment from aryr
This was well done, the dialogue enhanced the plot line. You chose rather descriptive names for the Indians and they seemed appropriate. I liked the way the plot line flowed from the Indian attack, to the rescue from the water, then back to an Indian attack and once again to the water of the river. Very enjoyable reading, thanks for sharing. Computer gremlins at work-"Sound like a good id�©e,"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
|
This was well done, the dialogue enhanced the plot line. You chose rather descriptive names for the Indians and they seemed appropriate. I liked the way the plot line flowed from the Indian attack, to the rescue from the water, then back to an Indian attack and once again to the water of the river. Very enjoyable reading, thanks for sharing. Computer gremlins at work-"Sound like a good id�©e,"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
-
I appreciate your kind words. I'm glad the plot between the two worked. In fact it worked a lot better than I expected it to. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work. I don't know if you have read the other chapters but please do and let me know what you think.
-
You are most welcome, I will go back and read the first chapter.