Murder At The Berkshire
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Mystery"Things aren't as they seem at the elderly home.
13 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
Lol. I am enjoying your story. However I did notice a couple of name changes. The list at the bottom says Jerk Beefy, but the last line says Beef Jerky. And the deceased manfrom the fourth floor: he started as Mr Howell, but after that was Mr Cooper. Or were there two of them?
Now, as for "Windy Wendy" Hmm, not sure if I approve of that. Lol. Just joking. Best wishes.
Wendy
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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Lol. I am enjoying your story. However I did notice a couple of name changes. The list at the bottom says Jerk Beefy, but the last line says Beef Jerky. And the deceased manfrom the fourth floor: he started as Mr Howell, but after that was Mr Cooper. Or were there two of them?
Now, as for "Windy Wendy" Hmm, not sure if I approve of that. Lol. Just joking. Best wishes.
Wendy
Comment Written 04-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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Great catches. I was last minute editing and second guessing myself. Thanks for keeping me straight!
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, Douglas
That's funny how windy Wendy got her name. My daughter is a flight attendant, and she talks about crop dusting. That is when the flight attendants pass gas, and the customers have no idea who did it Pretty funny
I know that Hattie is the star of the show. So nothing will happen to her. But it could happen to Nelly joy, Lisa or beef jerky
I look forward to future chapters. I had not read any prior chapters.
I enjoyed reading your book chapter
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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Hi, Douglas
That's funny how windy Wendy got her name. My daughter is a flight attendant, and she talks about crop dusting. That is when the flight attendants pass gas, and the customers have no idea who did it Pretty funny
I know that Hattie is the star of the show. So nothing will happen to her. But it could happen to Nelly joy, Lisa or beef jerky
I look forward to future chapters. I had not read any prior chapters.
I enjoyed reading your book chapter
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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Thank you, Pam! I am completely out of my comfort zone here. So far, so good.
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Your story is a lively and engaging narrative with a mix of intrigue and humor. The interactions between Hattie, Nelly, and Joy create a dynamic and entertaining dialogue that captures attention. The way Hattie navigates the conversation, moving from suspicion to determination, sets up a promising mystery.
The character details, like Nelly's narcolepsy and Joy's bubbly personality, add depth and make the scene more vivid. The humor, such as the nickname play and the mention of "Windy Wendy," adds a lighthearted touch, balancing the suspenseful elements of the mystery.
The pacing is good, keeping the reader interested with a blend of humor and intrigue. The dialogue feels natural and reveals each character's personality well. Overall, the story successfully mixes mystery with humor and sets up an intriguing scenario for Hattie's investigation.
there are a few minor grammar and punctuation issues in your story. Here are two examples:
There is some Dialogue Punctuation errors as
Original: "I'm Hattie." She took Nelly's hand and shook it, noticing the woman's curly hair bore a purple tint, as opposed to the more common blue hue of her Berkshire counterparts.
Improved: "I'm Hattie." She took Nelly's hand and shook it, noticing that the woman's curly hair bore a purple tint, as opposed to the more common blue hue of her Berkshire counterparts.
Explanation: Adding "that" clarifies the sentence and makes it grammatically correct.
And some comma usage errors as
Original: "Yes. And I can see that you're a smart one. I want to ask you something." Nelly leaned in and lowered her voice.
Improved: "Yes, and I can see that you're a smart one. I want to ask you something." Nelly leaned in and lowered her voice.
Explanation: The comma after "Yes" with and is necessary to separate the clauses for better readability.
These small adjustments help clarify your writing and improve the flow. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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Your story is a lively and engaging narrative with a mix of intrigue and humor. The interactions between Hattie, Nelly, and Joy create a dynamic and entertaining dialogue that captures attention. The way Hattie navigates the conversation, moving from suspicion to determination, sets up a promising mystery.
The character details, like Nelly's narcolepsy and Joy's bubbly personality, add depth and make the scene more vivid. The humor, such as the nickname play and the mention of "Windy Wendy," adds a lighthearted touch, balancing the suspenseful elements of the mystery.
The pacing is good, keeping the reader interested with a blend of humor and intrigue. The dialogue feels natural and reveals each character's personality well. Overall, the story successfully mixes mystery with humor and sets up an intriguing scenario for Hattie's investigation.
there are a few minor grammar and punctuation issues in your story. Here are two examples:
There is some Dialogue Punctuation errors as
Original: "I'm Hattie." She took Nelly's hand and shook it, noticing the woman's curly hair bore a purple tint, as opposed to the more common blue hue of her Berkshire counterparts.
Improved: "I'm Hattie." She took Nelly's hand and shook it, noticing that the woman's curly hair bore a purple tint, as opposed to the more common blue hue of her Berkshire counterparts.
Explanation: Adding "that" clarifies the sentence and makes it grammatically correct.
And some comma usage errors as
Original: "Yes. And I can see that you're a smart one. I want to ask you something." Nelly leaned in and lowered her voice.
Improved: "Yes, and I can see that you're a smart one. I want to ask you something." Nelly leaned in and lowered her voice.
Explanation: The comma after "Yes" with and is necessary to separate the clauses for better readability.
These small adjustments help clarify your writing and improve the flow. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2024
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They may be small, but I appreciate the awesome help, Patty!
