Nightmare
a seventy-five-word story24 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
Your short story creates feelings and emotions. The reader can identify with the father in the hospital bed. You created a story in few words that tells a tale about being alone and feeling alone.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Your short story creates feelings and emotions. The reader can identify with the father in the hospital bed. You created a story in few words that tells a tale about being alone and feeling alone.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thanks, M
Comment from lyenochka
Oh. So that wasn't a dream but a replay of what happened and he lost his whole family. A horrible story - yet told within the limits of 75 words focusing on the key elements. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Oh. So that wasn't a dream but a replay of what happened and he lost his whole family. A horrible story - yet told within the limits of 75 words focusing on the key elements. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thanks, Helen
Comment from royowen
I think those of us that are surrounded by loving families this would be their worst nightmare. We tend to take some things for grated, and it it wasn't for God's mercy that would be my fate, perhaps, we should be thankful every day, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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I think those of us that are surrounded by loving families this would be their worst nightmare. We tend to take some things for grated, and it it wasn't for God's mercy that would be my fate, perhaps, we should be thankful every day, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Roy
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Most welcome
Comment from damommy
Jeepers! It sounds like he's in the morgue, he just doesn't realize it yet. Great little story told in so few words. That's hard to do. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Jeepers! It sounds like he's in the morgue, he just doesn't realize it yet. Great little story told in so few words. That's hard to do. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thanks, Yvonne.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Wow, you leave this wide open to interpretation and I love it! Does he only have a nightmare? Or did he somehow cause a fire that ravaged his wife and children and his home? We will never know and that is a sign of a great writer! And you covered all that suspense in just 75 words! Well done!
A thriller and suspenseful story...I thank you so much for it all!
Jesse
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Wow, you leave this wide open to interpretation and I love it! Does he only have a nightmare? Or did he somehow cause a fire that ravaged his wife and children and his home? We will never know and that is a sign of a great writer! And you covered all that suspense in just 75 words! Well done!
A thriller and suspenseful story...I thank you so much for it all!
Jesse
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Jesse, for the great review. Bill
Comment from Ulla
Oh dear, this has an ominous ending. All we hope is that he wakes from a bad dream to realise it was just that. But the reality is even worse. What a little flash! Cold air ran down my spine. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Oh dear, this has an ominous ending. All we hope is that he wakes from a bad dream to realise it was just that. But the reality is even worse. What a little flash! Cold air ran down my spine. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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The nightmare is the new reality.
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You may be right. What a chilling thought.
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! I can feel this to my core. The fire and pain is the accident, probably vehicular, he and his family were in. His dream is from his pain-induced coma, not a normal dream. His almost-instinct-driven desire is to have his entire family with him forever.
Very, very evocative! Perfect ... except for the last line. (I know you have only three words left. Damn!) The reason I wonder about the last line is that it doesn't connect with my creative center -- doesn't solder this reader to the theme. The reason is that in the hospital, he would be alone anyway. Each injured person would likely be in a separate room.
Consider -- just consider something along these lines (though it may not leave the reader feeling positive about Hector): "He tastes alcohol." It connects him directly with the accident.
Now, Bill ... in no way am I saying your story isn't effective just as it stands. I'm probably going further than a reviewer needs to go. But I DO know you, and what I know is that you want the fullest emotional impact your writing can achieve. If you already feel you've achieved that, then I'm wrong -- pure and simple -- and you won't, and shouldn't, change a word of it.
I hope that makes some sense, Buddy.
Jay
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Wow! I can feel this to my core. The fire and pain is the accident, probably vehicular, he and his family were in. His dream is from his pain-induced coma, not a normal dream. His almost-instinct-driven desire is to have his entire family with him forever.
Very, very evocative! Perfect ... except for the last line. (I know you have only three words left. Damn!) The reason I wonder about the last line is that it doesn't connect with my creative center -- doesn't solder this reader to the theme. The reason is that in the hospital, he would be alone anyway. Each injured person would likely be in a separate room.
Consider -- just consider something along these lines (though it may not leave the reader feeling positive about Hector): "He tastes alcohol." It connects him directly with the accident.
Now, Bill ... in no way am I saying your story isn't effective just as it stands. I'm probably going further than a reviewer needs to go. But I DO know you, and what I know is that you want the fullest emotional impact your writing can achieve. If you already feel you've achieved that, then I'm wrong -- pure and simple -- and you won't, and shouldn't, change a word of it.
I hope that makes some sense, Buddy.
Jay
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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You are so right, of course, Jay. The last gram on the scale to definitely tip this tale and place the blame for all we suspect has been lost on Hector can be done as easily as you stated. For me though, the reason for the loss was secondary to the reality that all of the importance of life is gone. The title then describes the waking, rather than the sleeping. Lately, this prospect haunts me.
I so appreciate your suggestions, Jay, as I hope you know.
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Oh, I do know, Bill. If I wasn't sure, I don't think I could have been so direct in my suggestion. You and I don't waffle.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Your contest entry is in good form, Bill.
You gave readers pertinent details, yet
allowed then to form their own conclusions
about the reason. The image is supportive.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Your contest entry is in good form, Bill.
You gave readers pertinent details, yet
allowed then to form their own conclusions
about the reason. The image is supportive.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thank you, Jan
Comment from BethShelby
The nightmare seems to not be as bad as reality. At least while he is asleep, he believes he will awaken and everything will be alright but when he awakens he knows it was all real and does even have kids and wife anymore. That's a real nightmare.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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The nightmare seems to not be as bad as reality. At least while he is asleep, he believes he will awaken and everything will be alright but when he awakens he knows it was all real and does even have kids and wife anymore. That's a real nightmare.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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I fear the day myself, when I wake up alone.
Comment from phill doran
Yes Bill...
...this is very good (maybe even 'on the money'). You've left the reader with something completely open-ended, and with the lightest of direction (the hospital ceiling) and the ominous (and unanswered) "why".
A very clever piece.
I am still waiting on chapter one of your new sci-fi excursion, but this was a bright light in a week of dim reading.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Yes Bill...
...this is very good (maybe even 'on the money'). You've left the reader with something completely open-ended, and with the lightest of direction (the hospital ceiling) and the ominous (and unanswered) "why".
A very clever piece.
I am still waiting on chapter one of your new sci-fi excursion, but this was a bright light in a week of dim reading.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 18-Jun-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2022
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Thank you so much, Phill. I have decided to continue that sci-fi story with a different angle, but still using the same prologue. It is taking a bit more research and story building.
