MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Beth Is Kidnapped!"A Day at Sea World
16 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Really good chapter here! I thought you did a great job with how Molly's dad handled the phone call w/ Beth parents. You could really 'see' his angst. Personally, I was very impressed with the response rate of the police, and how quickly they acted to get the sketch artist, etc.
My only comment comes w/ how fast the artist whipped out that picture of Sam! It made me pause a minute; it seems like it didn't take him more than 2 seconds!
That's it, girl!
Sis
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Really good chapter here! I thought you did a great job with how Molly's dad handled the phone call w/ Beth parents. You could really 'see' his angst. Personally, I was very impressed with the response rate of the police, and how quickly they acted to get the sketch artist, etc.
My only comment comes w/ how fast the artist whipped out that picture of Sam! It made me pause a minute; it seems like it didn't take him more than 2 seconds!
That's it, girl!
Sis
Comment Written 06-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Hey Sissy,
Kidnapping kids out here has become such a regularity they have whole task forces devoted to it. The parks usually have highly trained security, and that Amber Alert thing is absolutely miraculous. And those sketch artists? If the folks know what a person looks like, the artist, man, faster than it takes to take a polaroid and wait for it to develop. However, when I go in for the second edit, I will expand a bit. For one thing, it's fascinating. I was kinda in a hurry!
Thanks again, you're a doll.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
the vivid write has almost made me burst into tears as well,showtimebook,i love this story and must finish reading it through before i retire for the day.
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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the vivid write has almost made me burst into tears as well,showtimebook,i love this story and must finish reading it through before i retire for the day.
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Oh, you make my heart sing, Stephy. I like to be able to read a story fast, y'know, like you're able to do here. Sometimes it's just maddening to have to wait a day or two while the chapter gets posted!
Thank you sooo much! I really appreciate your kind words and high rating,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle, occasionally I would take a friend of Cindy's on vacation with us. This was always my worst nightmare, other than someone kidnapping Cindy, of course. All of her friends believed I was anal about them having to remain together and close to me and/or about checking in with me on a regular basis. Another excellent write.
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Gayle, occasionally I would take a friend of Cindy's on vacation with us. This was always my worst nightmare, other than someone kidnapping Cindy, of course. All of her friends believed I was anal about them having to remain together and close to me and/or about checking in with me on a regular basis. Another excellent write.
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Jan, I know exactly how you feel. And in those days, the danger was miniscule compared with what runs the streets today. Gives me the willies, and yes, only thing worse than losing your kid is to have to go home to grieving parents and tell them you lost theirs! OMG, can you imagine.
Breaks my heart!
Love ya,
Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Oh wow, I feel for Molly; her best friend is missing and presumed kidnapped. Not a good day for anyone. But hope is alive as the police are looking and the Amber alert has gone out. Written well.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Oh wow, I feel for Molly; her best friend is missing and presumed kidnapped. Not a good day for anyone. But hope is alive as the police are looking and the Amber alert has gone out. Written well.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Oh, my, you're moving right along. Won't be long before you're all caught up!
You make me smile,
Gayle
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A good story and I'm going as fast as my eyes will read. See, a good story doesnt require payment to get someone to read.
Comment from RenieReader
Hi, Gayle: This is a fantastic chapter about a serious problem. Young teens don't always realize the danger of meeting up with strangers. You've captured the fear family and friends feel when the reality of the situation hits home.
I didn't notice a single nit. Great job.
Renie
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hi, Gayle: This is a fantastic chapter about a serious problem. Young teens don't always realize the danger of meeting up with strangers. You've captured the fear family and friends feel when the reality of the situation hits home.
I didn't notice a single nit. Great job.
Renie
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hey Renie, so nice to see you outside! LOL!
I really appreciate your comments and all. Kids never seem to learn...this happens all the time! I hope you'll come back and read along as a keen eye is always appreciated!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
Excellent beginning ! You've introduced the primary characters and made us care what happens. You've also introduced a 'smiling' villain; he's a villain we love to hate. I can't wait to see what crises looms, looms and looms ahead, but I'm sure you have a dandy for us.
Note:
We need you to put together a picture of this guy. Think of everything you can that's distinguishing, anything folks would notice." He looked up. "Here he*** is now."
***wrong attribution of pronoun 'he'. As written, 'he' refers back to "this guy."
Maybe, "Here's the artist now."
~~~
Did you mention Beth's age? [Senior moment!] I'm thinking fifteen.
As always, you not only draw good pictures of your prime characters, but also the 'walk on' people who flesh out the action. Salud!
Warmest regards,
Spike
reply by the author on 14-May-2008
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Excellent beginning ! You've introduced the primary characters and made us care what happens. You've also introduced a 'smiling' villain; he's a villain we love to hate. I can't wait to see what crises looms, looms and looms ahead, but I'm sure you have a dandy for us.
Note:
We need you to put together a picture of this guy. Think of everything you can that's distinguishing, anything folks would notice." He looked up. "Here he*** is now."
***wrong attribution of pronoun 'he'. As written, 'he' refers back to "this guy."
Maybe, "Here's the artist now."
~~~
Did you mention Beth's age? [Senior moment!] I'm thinking fifteen.
As always, you not only draw good pictures of your prime characters, but also the 'walk on' people who flesh out the action. Salud!
Warmest regards,
Spike
Comment Written 13-May-2008
reply by the author on 14-May-2008
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Hey Sis!
I'll get in there and make the fixes. Beth is fifteen..I think we heard that in the first chapter. Danny is 12. He's a riot, huh?
I'm going to rework that chapter about the artist..the whole sceen, actually. Needs more meat.
Thanks so much for the great R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
The only thing that doesn't sound believeable is would they put out an alert before twenty-four hours? None of the police ususally do that. I could be wrong. Many would think she ran off for her own personal reasons. Maybe they take this more seriously in California. Just an observation.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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The only thing that doesn't sound believeable is would they put out an alert before twenty-four hours? None of the police ususally do that. I could be wrong. Many would think she ran off for her own personal reasons. Maybe they take this more seriously in California. Just an observation.
hugs
book
Comment Written 13-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hey Heidi,
Yep, that's how they do it here, especially since she's only 15. Now for an older teen, 17-18, well, they might treat it like an adult. But still, the evidence is overwhelming that someone, probably Sam, snatched her.
Have you ever seen those signs...do they have them in NY? You would not believe the number of kids that have been saved, found in time, by the Amber Alerts.
Thanks so much for the R&R and your comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
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I'm live in Florida now, so I'm not sure if they do it in New York now. Maybe. Here though, they just flash the pic of the child on the news. I've never seen them on a billboard. Thewy should though. We are always on the highway down here. 95 would be perfect.
hugs
Heidi
Comment from Kym Jade
Wow the security guards and police are efficient in your part of the world. We have never seen those signs you mention not even on the TV. These signs would teach kids, who sneak off, to keep in touch. Off to the next chapter to see what did happen to Beth.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Wow the security guards and police are efficient in your part of the world. We have never seen those signs you mention not even on the TV. These signs would teach kids, who sneak off, to keep in touch. Off to the next chapter to see what did happen to Beth.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hi Girls,
Several of the fans mentioned that quick action on the Amber Alert stuff. The feeling is, the faster they can get a description of the missing kid..and hopefully the car, the faster they can track down the pervert. That's one of the GOOD things about the computer. Gets the info out ASAP.
Thanks for the great comments and the lovely stars.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
This is great story development.
These are the only spots I noticed.
She nodded, telling him what little she knew about Sam Hudson and his offer to buy them lunch, an offer they turned down. (I think you should drop 'an offer they turned down'. The reader already knows that she turned it down and will assume she told it that way. It comes across as repetition.)
Sam Hudson emerged with such vivid accuracy, Molly gasped. "That's him, sir. Exactly." (This line needs a little more fleshing out to show the passage of time while the artist forms the picture.)
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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This is great story development.
These are the only spots I noticed.
She nodded, telling him what little she knew about Sam Hudson and his offer to buy them lunch, an offer they turned down. (I think you should drop 'an offer they turned down'. The reader already knows that she turned it down and will assume she told it that way. It comes across as repetition.)
Sam Hudson emerged with such vivid accuracy, Molly gasped. "That's him, sir. Exactly." (This line needs a little more fleshing out to show the passage of time while the artist forms the picture.)
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hey Freddie,
Great ideas and always right on. I'll fix the nits and expand a good bit on the artist drawing... that happened much too fast.
Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, believable (except that all the officers turn up on cue, as in "speaking of the devil..." The dialogue is excellent, and I couldn't find any nits.
I have one comment:
"One of the cops took the picture and left." Wouldn't this cop be Officer Bryant? You have only two standard policemen in the story right now, the others being security guards and such.
Dave M
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, believable (except that all the officers turn up on cue, as in "speaking of the devil..." The dialogue is excellent, and I couldn't find any nits.
I have one comment:
"One of the cops took the picture and left." Wouldn't this cop be Officer Bryant? You have only two standard policemen in the story right now, the others being security guards and such.
Dave M
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Yep, Bryant left. He needed to get the picture to the Amber Alert folks. I got a bit rushed in this obne and will smooth the flow better on second edit. Thanks for the eagle eye!
Hugs,
Gayle