MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Two For One"A Day at Sea World
14 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle!
I hope you don't think I'm being too hard on you here. I really went through this chapter carefully - see what you think about my comments, and let me know. I felt distanced from Beth's part, which I never do w/ your writing. However, you really drew me in w/ Tony and Amy and Ella and Jim. Really nicely done the second half of this.
So, see what you think:
Beth awoke with a blinding headache that intensified as she drew in deep breaths of gasoline tainted air. The tape over her mouth made breathing difficult, especially since her nose ran.
(I had a little bit of trouble with this, Gayle. I felt it was a bit rough to read. Maybe she 'attempted to draw in...'? If it makes breathing difficult, it'd be hard to get in large breaths, right?)
Numb arms tied behind her back pressed up against what had to be a spare tire although she couldn't really feel anything. (The beginning of this sentence w/ 'Numb', then 'she couldn't really feel anything' seemed a little redundant.)
Her mind raged around two thoughts as they fought for precedence. First and foremost, she had to get out of the trunk and run away. Second, if she couldn't get away, would he rape her before he killed her?
She banished those thoughts and tried to figure out where she was and how long she'd been there. Well, obviously in the trunk of a car, but whose?
(Question here: How about switching to first person w/ the internal thought here? If you don't want to do both paragraphs, consider at least switching the second.)
She faded in and out several times, but each time she (<--need this 'she'?) emerged stronger.
Tail lights. (I looked this up in a couple of places. Taillights.)
Beth inched her body around, her head and shoulders curled so she could reach the tail lights (taillights), maybe kick one out.
She gave an ineffectual kick (<--do you want to use 'kick' again here?), unable to make hard, direct contact with her toe.
She had to turn over so she could use her heels and that would mean rolling on her bound hands. Hunching her shoulders and rocking back and forth, she prepared to roll. (Again consider switching to first person thought here. It might make it more exciting for the reader here, versus you telling us what she has to do. Make us feel her desperation.)
Beth began to pray. "Oh, God, why did I ever go outside? Why didn't I just ignore him? Oh, God, help me!" (NOW I feel her desperation, but we need to see it heighten throughout.)
She (+ had? Arrgh! I hate doing that.) sealed her own fate when she snuck out of the restaurant and no matter what else happened, she had no one to blame but herself.
(For a minute, I thought this was TONY!--->)Eyes alight, he inserted his key in the lock as a snicker crept up his throat. "Okay, buddy, here we go."
"Oh, give it a rest, would you? Chef gives me the same song and dance ... hints of licorice and pepper. Chit, dude, does it taste good or does it not? (<--on an unrelated side note, I so agree w/ Ella here! :) )
He nodded enthusiastically and grinned at her (<--need 'at her'?). "I hate to wait that long, but I agree with your reasoning. Where?"
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle!
I hope you don't think I'm being too hard on you here. I really went through this chapter carefully - see what you think about my comments, and let me know. I felt distanced from Beth's part, which I never do w/ your writing. However, you really drew me in w/ Tony and Amy and Ella and Jim. Really nicely done the second half of this.
So, see what you think:
Beth awoke with a blinding headache that intensified as she drew in deep breaths of gasoline tainted air. The tape over her mouth made breathing difficult, especially since her nose ran.
(I had a little bit of trouble with this, Gayle. I felt it was a bit rough to read. Maybe she 'attempted to draw in...'? If it makes breathing difficult, it'd be hard to get in large breaths, right?)
Numb arms tied behind her back pressed up against what had to be a spare tire although she couldn't really feel anything. (The beginning of this sentence w/ 'Numb', then 'she couldn't really feel anything' seemed a little redundant.)
Her mind raged around two thoughts as they fought for precedence. First and foremost, she had to get out of the trunk and run away. Second, if she couldn't get away, would he rape her before he killed her?
She banished those thoughts and tried to figure out where she was and how long she'd been there. Well, obviously in the trunk of a car, but whose?
(Question here: How about switching to first person w/ the internal thought here? If you don't want to do both paragraphs, consider at least switching the second.)
She faded in and out several times, but each time she (<--need this 'she'?) emerged stronger.
Tail lights. (I looked this up in a couple of places. Taillights.)
Beth inched her body around, her head and shoulders curled so she could reach the tail lights (taillights), maybe kick one out.
She gave an ineffectual kick (<--do you want to use 'kick' again here?), unable to make hard, direct contact with her toe.
She had to turn over so she could use her heels and that would mean rolling on her bound hands. Hunching her shoulders and rocking back and forth, she prepared to roll. (Again consider switching to first person thought here. It might make it more exciting for the reader here, versus you telling us what she has to do. Make us feel her desperation.)
Beth began to pray. "Oh, God, why did I ever go outside? Why didn't I just ignore him? Oh, God, help me!" (NOW I feel her desperation, but we need to see it heighten throughout.)
She (+ had? Arrgh! I hate doing that.) sealed her own fate when she snuck out of the restaurant and no matter what else happened, she had no one to blame but herself.
(For a minute, I thought this was TONY!--->)Eyes alight, he inserted his key in the lock as a snicker crept up his throat. "Okay, buddy, here we go."
"Oh, give it a rest, would you? Chef gives me the same song and dance ... hints of licorice and pepper. Chit, dude, does it taste good or does it not? (<--on an unrelated side note, I so agree w/ Ella here! :) )
He nodded enthusiastically and grinned at her (<--need 'at her'?). "I hate to wait that long, but I agree with your reasoning. Where?"
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Sissy,
I really blew this one, huh? I've pasted out your comments and as soon as the Belmont is over, I'll get over to the ms and make fix.
Most appreciated the edits, thanks so much!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Another excellent chapter. You know, Gayle, as I'm reading to catch up, I am noticing the chapter titles more. Now that I'm writing a book with chapters, I'm finding that to be as big a challenge some days as the actual writing. In fact, I often write the chapter, then go back and name it. Do you do that?
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Another excellent chapter. You know, Gayle, as I'm reading to catch up, I am noticing the chapter titles more. Now that I'm writing a book with chapters, I'm finding that to be as big a challenge some days as the actual writing. In fact, I often write the chapter, then go back and name it. Do you do that?
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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LOL! Ya know, in fiction, we don't name the chapters...at least not in adult fare.
I think I remember Lad: a Dog and the Black Stallion did that. Aha, yes. I remember one of the most maudlin, truly melodramatic chapters I've ever read by Terhune (Lad, et al) called 'In the day of battle'. Lets see, that's a 55 year old memory, and I could p'rolly recite it from memory, I read it so many times.
It's only on FS that you need chapter titles..who knows why. and yes, I often name the chapters after I've written them. My problem is I've posted so many full length novels here over the years I can't come up with new ones and the FS computer keeps telling me I 'already posted a chapter with that title'!! AARGH!
It's a crap shoot at best, my friend!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Getting better. Good to know Beth is level-headed and can keep her wits. Jim is hopefully the savior and will rescue Beth if she don't escape first.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Getting better. Good to know Beth is level-headed and can keep her wits. Jim is hopefully the savior and will rescue Beth if she don't escape first.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Stuff is building up and the girls have to figure out a way to escape. We gotta get them out of there!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Agree! Keep up the good job!
Comment from bookishfabler
Aha! The investigators return. Cool beans. I'm really enjoying this story, and I see you stay in one POV in each section, great. One little thing.
while staring at Jim and grinning. I'm not sure can really grin. LOL.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 17-May-2008
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Aha! The investigators return. Cool beans. I'm really enjoying this story, and I see you stay in one POV in each section, great. One little thing.
while staring at Jim and grinning. I'm not sure can really grin. LOL.
hugs
book
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 17-May-2008
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COOL BEANS! LOL, I haven't heard that phrase since I left New York. :-)
Heidi you give the greatest comments, I just love them. The dogs are a riot, huh?
Thanks for the great R&R, talk soon and have a great weekend,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
Well, Hello! It's nice to see Jim Sessions and Lennie Browning again - it's just like a family reunion, and must make the writing a lot easier, as their personas are already established. I can visualize one book with this cast getting published, and the rest being snatched up, forthwith.
I especially liked your scene of Beth, locked in the car trunk, trying in a level-headed way to somehow signal other traffic, and contribute to her own rescue.
Also, you've really done a chilling job of showing how an attractive persona can hide a dangerous monster.
Nothing seen here to dislike.
The best to you, Sis.
Spike
You rock, my friend.
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Well, Hello! It's nice to see Jim Sessions and Lennie Browning again - it's just like a family reunion, and must make the writing a lot easier, as their personas are already established. I can visualize one book with this cast getting published, and the rest being snatched up, forthwith.
I especially liked your scene of Beth, locked in the car trunk, trying in a level-headed way to somehow signal other traffic, and contribute to her own rescue.
Also, you've really done a chilling job of showing how an attractive persona can hide a dangerous monster.
Nothing seen here to dislike.
The best to you, Sis.
Spike
You rock, my friend.
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hey Sis,
No problems with that one, huh? I think I worked this one over pretty clean before I posted.
At first I didn't plan to use Jim and Lenny but the more I wrote the more I realized I had to bring them in.
Thanks so much, Sis, talk soon,
Annabelle
Comment from ledford
Good chapter!
I have some suggestions:
"especially since her nose ran." I wonder if "since her nose was stuffy" might be more appropriate, but if not, I recommend "since her nose was running."
"what had to be a spare tire although she couldn't really feel anything." This is a bit wordy. I would keep it simple and say "what seemed to be a spare tire."
"she'd been taught to do in situations like this. Tail lights." Should be "taillights". Also, I recommend "she'd been taught to do in situations like this ... taillights!"
"Beth inched her body around {,} her head and" Comma splice. I recommend a semi-colon instead of a comma
"unable to make hard, direct contact [with her toe.]" I would omit [ ]
"She had to turn over so she could use her heels {,} and that would mean rolling on her bound hands." Two main clauses joined by a conjunction requires a conjunction (The Chicago Manual of Style pg. 248--section 6.32)
"of the restaurant {,} and no matter what else happened"
"They had talked a moment, then he muttered something, moved close to her and that" I recommend "They had talked a moment, then he muttered something, and moved close to her. That..."
"An overwhelming bolt of fear struck her {,} and her bladder let go."
"They rode to the penthouse {,} and as the elevator"
"Besides, you're fixed {,} you both are." Comma splice. I recommend a semi
"The dogs stood for a moment motionless, sizing each other up." I recommend "The dogs stood motionless for a moment, sizing each other up." or " The dogs stood for a moment, motionless, sizing each other up."
"So is Amy, believe it." I do not understand this. The "believe it" part sounds random
"for the restaurant {,} and business is booming."
"maybe October {,} or better, November."
"dreamy expression {,} and she sighed."
"crossed his face {,} and he sighed."
"Please give me your phone number {,} and I'll call you back shortly."
"Anyway, the cops are stymied {,} and he wants us to investigate,"
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Good chapter!
I have some suggestions:
"especially since her nose ran." I wonder if "since her nose was stuffy" might be more appropriate, but if not, I recommend "since her nose was running."
"what had to be a spare tire although she couldn't really feel anything." This is a bit wordy. I would keep it simple and say "what seemed to be a spare tire."
"she'd been taught to do in situations like this. Tail lights." Should be "taillights". Also, I recommend "she'd been taught to do in situations like this ... taillights!"
"Beth inched her body around {,} her head and" Comma splice. I recommend a semi-colon instead of a comma
"unable to make hard, direct contact [with her toe.]" I would omit [ ]
"She had to turn over so she could use her heels {,} and that would mean rolling on her bound hands." Two main clauses joined by a conjunction requires a conjunction (The Chicago Manual of Style pg. 248--section 6.32)
"of the restaurant {,} and no matter what else happened"
"They had talked a moment, then he muttered something, moved close to her and that" I recommend "They had talked a moment, then he muttered something, and moved close to her. That..."
"An overwhelming bolt of fear struck her {,} and her bladder let go."
"They rode to the penthouse {,} and as the elevator"
"Besides, you're fixed {,} you both are." Comma splice. I recommend a semi
"The dogs stood for a moment motionless, sizing each other up." I recommend "The dogs stood motionless for a moment, sizing each other up." or " The dogs stood for a moment, motionless, sizing each other up."
"So is Amy, believe it." I do not understand this. The "believe it" part sounds random
"for the restaurant {,} and business is booming."
"maybe October {,} or better, November."
"dreamy expression {,} and she sighed."
"crossed his face {,} and he sighed."
"Please give me your phone number {,} and I'll call you back shortly."
"Anyway, the cops are stymied {,} and he wants us to investigate,"
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hey Ledford,
Thanks for stopping by and the comments. I'm glad you liked the story and appreciate the R&R.
Best,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, good. They're calling in some professionals--Dobermans. If they can't solve the case, no one can. I like the turn of events in this chapter. It's more positive and upbeat. Great writing, my friend. I can't wait for more.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Oh, good. They're calling in some professionals--Dobermans. If they can't solve the case, no one can. I like the turn of events in this chapter. It's more positive and upbeat. Great writing, my friend. I can't wait for more.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hey Renie,
Thank you so much for the read and the great review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I am really glad to see the beginning of the previous chapter. You needed something like this. And I was just waiting for Jim and Ella to show up, especially with Tony and Amy. This story is made for them. I find the beginning of this story as effective as anything you've written for a while.
I couldn't find any spags or unpolished writing.
Dave M
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Gayle,
I am really glad to see the beginning of the previous chapter. You needed something like this. And I was just waiting for Jim and Ella to show up, especially with Tony and Amy. This story is made for them. I find the beginning of this story as effective as anything you've written for a while.
I couldn't find any spags or unpolished writing.
Dave M
Comment Written 15-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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I'll fess up, Dave, but only to you. Don't tell anyone else, huh? Okay, I wrote the first five chapters of this book in one sitting. Natch, you can't post long stuff, so I cut it into easier to digest portions. Just missed this one! It was there in the ms all the time, but I goofed.
Now, that's a secret, huh?
Thanks so much for the great comments. I sooo appreciate a regular reader, especially if they're a Tony and Amy fan!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Poor Beth, but she was a very silly girl to go outside like that. Sam obviously was there that day looking for someone to kidnap. He wont do it again after he meets Tony or Amy. Now into the story. So glad it is another with these two.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Poor Beth, but she was a very silly girl to go outside like that. Sam obviously was there that day looking for someone to kidnap. He wont do it again after he meets Tony or Amy. Now into the story. So glad it is another with these two.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 15-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
Yes, poor Beth indeed. This story is so common place anymore, and it just makes ya furious, you know what I mean? What in the world was she thinking?
Grrr!
Thanks for the great R&R!
Love,
Gayle
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She's a teen! It is mainly boys who's brains stop working, but girls think they know everything too.
Love and blessings
Comment from Earthwriter
this piece i found to be intriguing and never did fully understand what was going on but it definetly jheld my attention great job
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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this piece i found to be intriguing and never did fully understand what was going on but it definetly jheld my attention great job
Comment Written 15-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hi Earthwriter,
The best thing is to go back and read previous chapters.They don't pay anymore, so I don't need a review, but you could catch up and go from there.
Hope to see you again<
Gayle