MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Out of Ideas"A Day at Sea World
13 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Another girl, huh? I wonder how long it'll take Lenny and Jim to figure out the cases are related?
Consider adding a bit more about Audrey, and how she feels about this. She seems a little one-dimensional right now. How did SHE feel about seeing Beth? Maybe a little more emotion in their exchange?
A few other things to look at:
She heard movement in the shadows and froze.
('heard movement' stood out to me. What kind of sound?)
is Audrey Simms.You? (Need spacing b/w 'Simms.' and 'You'.)
"How old are you(,) Beth?
Do you remember, a week or so ago a girl disappeared from Disneyland(, consider it. It feels like there should be a pause here.) and now this one.
his brief case (briefcase?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Another girl, huh? I wonder how long it'll take Lenny and Jim to figure out the cases are related?
Consider adding a bit more about Audrey, and how she feels about this. She seems a little one-dimensional right now. How did SHE feel about seeing Beth? Maybe a little more emotion in their exchange?
A few other things to look at:
She heard movement in the shadows and froze.
('heard movement' stood out to me. What kind of sound?)
is Audrey Simms.You? (Need spacing b/w 'Simms.' and 'You'.)
"How old are you(,) Beth?
Do you remember, a week or so ago a girl disappeared from Disneyland(, consider it. It feels like there should be a pause here.) and now this one.
his brief case (briefcase?)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Sissy,
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Well, that was a bomb, huh? Big Brown ran out of gas, I guess. There's more to that, let me tell you. Blood in the lungs, maybe. I've pasted and will make the edits on the ms right away. Thanks and hugs, Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
This just keeps getting better and better. Too bad they only give us two sixes a week. That's kinda sparse, don't you think? Anyway, I may actually be caught up now. What a concept!!! Now I understand the thing about the clown. I knew I needed to go back and read the early stuff.
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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This just keeps getting better and better. Too bad they only give us two sixes a week. That's kinda sparse, don't you think? Anyway, I may actually be caught up now. What a concept!!! Now I understand the thing about the clown. I knew I needed to go back and read the early stuff.
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Now take that title! Says it all, lol!
Jan, words are not enough to thank you for reading along like this, and to give such wonderful reviews for 2/1. Makes me blush!
Yeah, that clown is going to be a huge clue, bite by bite!
You're the bestest,
Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Really getting heavy, a naked woman, a clown stretched out in the back window; and satistically, not looking good for Beth or this new girl Audrey. Gotta run to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Really getting heavy, a naked woman, a clown stretched out in the back window; and satistically, not looking good for Beth or this new girl Audrey. Gotta run to the next chapter.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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It just seems to get scarier and scarier, even to me. This is what happens when the characters run away with the story. We end up being the typist!
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Your doing a great job. I don't have anything to point out. But, I'm thinking thaty maybe you can put more emotion in the other girl. After all she's been kidnapped and must be terrified. You made it sound like she doesn't care if she gets raped. Oh well, not yet.
You know what I mean?
other than that, a fun read.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Your doing a great job. I don't have anything to point out. But, I'm thinking thaty maybe you can put more emotion in the other girl. After all she's been kidnapped and must be terrified. You made it sound like she doesn't care if she gets raped. Oh well, not yet.
You know what I mean?
other than that, a fun read.
hugs
book
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Hey Heidi,
You mean Audrey, right? Okay, I think she's in shock. She may be a bit older and have a lot more experience, but you never have enough 'experience' to deal with rape. I will perk her up a bit, tho, because you're right. At least she needs to cry or something!
Segue, as you can imagine, I've been doing a ton of research for this book. I'm presently reading The Criminal Mind by Katherine Ramsland, and I want to tell you, on page 125, she shows a close-up of Ted Bundy as the verdict for death in the electric chair came down. I mean, his face is distorted to such a degree that you don't have to be a religious person to see the demon. Honest to God. His right hand is raised over his head, fingers splayed, and it's obvious it's in mid-drive for the table he's seated at. The fact that he wasn't cuffed made my blood run cold, and I bet there wasn't a clean pair of panties in that jury. He, like most of his ilk, liked to bite his victims, and his mouth is wide open, in a roar, I guess, and you can see all of his bottom teeth. Dear God deliver me!
Anyhoo, thanks so much for the great R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hey there. I just reached to the shelf on my left and plucked the book out and turned to 125. OMG, you are right. It is incredable. Yes, you should see the collection I got. Need to know about poision? Forensics, guns, witchcraft? cops, crime scenes? You name it, I probably have it. On the shelf in front I keep the dictionary, thesaurus, novel writing, grammars, agents etc. But my left side is pretty scary S$%^. LOL. My hubby says that if anything unusual happens to him, I'd be the first person they look at. I said, of course, honey, the spouse is always the first. LOL.
Thanks for sharing, darling.
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That's what happens when you're serious about your craft. Honest, girl, is that about enough to make you hurl? Indeed, a tiger walks among us.
Oh, and another cutei? Richard Ramirez, my all time fave!
What a hoot that you would have the same books I do.
As for the demise of the spouse, Jeff mentioned much the same thing to me. Shoot, if they ever got hold of my computer, I'd be in the interview room forever.
Love ya,
Gayel
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Actually, the computer may save you. Just have them check out FS and how you use your knowledge. LOl, It's all Writer's Digest book club fault.
Comment from Korton
Excellent continuation chapter. Sam's barn could be really hard to find, considering the terrain near San Diego. There are all kinds of roads and trails up in those mountains. At least the girls have water, that's a plus. Very well done.
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Excellent continuation chapter. Sam's barn could be really hard to find, considering the terrain near San Diego. There are all kinds of roads and trails up in those mountains. At least the girls have water, that's a plus. Very well done.
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
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Oh Frank,
I think you are very much on my wave length. I'm figuring he's up in the canyons somewhere fairly near San Diego. Now we have to figure out how to find him.
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments. Believe me, you have given me more than one idea over the years!
Thanks so much,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This continues to be chilling as ever.... and so well-executed, too. You possess great talent. Your bio says you are an accomplished young adult author, but something tells me you should also dabble in chiller lit.
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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This continues to be chilling as ever.... and so well-executed, too. You possess great talent. Your bio says you are an accomplished young adult author, but something tells me you should also dabble in chiller lit.
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Yep, actually, I'm more into teen horse adventures. Then a couple of years ago, we had a multi-author thingy going here called Death Gets It's Kicks. We wee supposed to "out Spillane Spillane, making it a very noir kinda story.
Well, I got into that with a vengence and the next thing you know, here we are with a whole new genre! It's loads of fun and just goes to show you, the old horse still has some moves!
Thanks for the wonderful comments and for your continued support.
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent, grim chapter. I wonder just what "Sam" has in mind - sounds like a weird collector to me. One small problem (other than nits): I don't think you do the best job of introducing the other captive. I had to read that first part several times before I understood what was going on. I talk about this a bit below, suggesting a couple of speech tags.
"Is there a bathroom here, water? I wet my pants and I need...." I think you should add a speech tag here, something as simple as "Beth said," I had to look around a while to find out what was going on. It would also help (I think) to add a speech tag, "Audrey said," to the sentence that begins "It feels like forever, but..."
"She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of [water] hit her full in the face." Alternatively, you could take the word "of" out and have "...chilly spray hit her..."
"Puts a new spin on the word amusement park." The words, amusement park, should be within single quotes.
Dave M
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent, grim chapter. I wonder just what "Sam" has in mind - sounds like a weird collector to me. One small problem (other than nits): I don't think you do the best job of introducing the other captive. I had to read that first part several times before I understood what was going on. I talk about this a bit below, suggesting a couple of speech tags.
"Is there a bathroom here, water? I wet my pants and I need...." I think you should add a speech tag here, something as simple as "Beth said," I had to look around a while to find out what was going on. It would also help (I think) to add a speech tag, "Audrey said," to the sentence that begins "It feels like forever, but..."
"She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of [water] hit her full in the face." Alternatively, you could take the word "of" out and have "...chilly spray hit her..."
"Puts a new spin on the word amusement park." The words, amusement park, should be within single quotes.
Dave M
Comment Written 17-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Hey Dave,
Thanks so much for your comments. Let me go back in there and check that scene where Beth first meets Audrey. I thought I'd made it clear who was talking to whom. Dang! Let me check it out!
Thanks a bunch<~>
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
So Sam has two girls held hostage, I take it the climate is such, it isn?t cold there. The poser now is did Sam also take the boy? Or is he going to slip up and take another girl? Looking forward to more, I must know the answers.
Typo:
She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of (
Love and blessings
I looked for a six for this one but couldn't, boo hoo.
How is the foot coming along?
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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So Sam has two girls held hostage, I take it the climate is such, it isn?t cold there. The poser now is did Sam also take the boy? Or is he going to slip up and take another girl? Looking forward to more, I must know the answers.
Typo:
She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of (
Love and blessings
I looked for a six for this one but couldn't, boo hoo.
How is the foot coming along?
Comment Written 17-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Metcha Ladies,
Foot is on the mend, just a little soreness to keep me humble. Yeah, San Diego in the summer is warm, so at least they won't freeze to death.
I sure appreciate the wonderful comments...I got that "of" out of there. Don't know how I missed it in the first place.
Thanks so much,
Love,
Gayle
Comment from Scribbled Pages
This held my attention right from the start. Am curious to what may happen next and where it might go from here.
One thing about it they both remembered was a clown doll stretched out along the back window. Very intriguing! I'm wondering; is the clown real or stuffed?
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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This held my attention right from the start. Am curious to what may happen next and where it might go from here.
One thing about it they both remembered was a clown doll stretched out along the back window. Very intriguing! I'm wondering; is the clown real or stuffed?
Comment Written 17-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Hi Scribbled Pages,
Thanks so much for the R&R. I appreciate your comments and high rating.
The clown will prove to be a big clue in catching this guy. We just hope it's not too late.
Thanks again,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, my gosh. Now that he's got a young girl, is Sam going to kill Audrey? The poor things. You've written these scenarios so well and believable. The dialogue is excellent and adds to the essence of each character.
She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of [water] hit her full in the face.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Oh, my gosh. Now that he's got a young girl, is Sam going to kill Audrey? The poor things. You've written these scenarios so well and believable. The dialogue is excellent and adds to the essence of each character.
She twisted the nozzle to fine and the chilly spray of [water] hit her full in the face.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 17-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
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Hey Renie,
In order to write this with any kind of accuracy, I had to do a lot of research and the psycopathy of a man like this is enough to scare the pants off you.
I took out the "of", don't know how I missed that. 'chilly spray hit her full...'
Thanks so much for the R&R and your comments. You're sooo appreciated! :)
Gayle