Comment from Sissy

Good

Hey Gayle!

You know, it would be fitting for them to stab Sam with a rotten piece of wood. I wonder what's going to happen, if they can escape. The one good thing about being behind is, I can have instant gratification.

For you to look at:

With her ear pressed up (<---need?0 against the wall, she heard Audrey crying, begging Sam not to hurt her any mor
(try to kick that telling 'heard')

He continued to scream at her (<--need 'at her'?), voice audible above the sounds of the TV, his words clear (need?--> through the wall.)

slamming into the wall.
as he slammed the door
(slamming/slammed - repetitive/close together.)

Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 07-Jun-2008

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reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008

Hi Sissy,


I had so many things I wanted to do to him! Get Tony on him, stabbing him, man, I was up for just about anything. I just couldn't see how to do it without suspending disbelief to the breaking point...then it came to me. I think you'll like it.

Pasted and plugged! Big hugs and thanks my friend,

Gayle

Comment from davidray

Excellent

Hello again, Gayel,
It seems old saying this to you, but I can really see the quality of your writing coming to life. FOr what it's worth, you've dedfinitely turned it up a notch!
You go girl!!
Hugs, D

 Comment Written 27-May-2008

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reply by the author on 27-May-2008

Hey David,

That moving and all it entails is a mess, isn't it? So glad you're all settled in and that we'll seeing you post soon.

thanks for the great R&R!


Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Oatmeal

Excellent

showtimebook,

Goodness, this was a scary chapter! LOL Just the type of novel that I cannot read. It is okay though. If it gets too bad then I will stop. Right now I am okay , so please do not worry.

The story line is strong. The characters are real. The dialogs are good.

I spotted a couple of errors-

Sam not to hurt her (any more). The sobbing escalated and

**anymore

went (bland). They'd come to the end of the line, finally.

**blank

Beth slumped into the corner, heart beating like a (trip hammer). Any

**trip-hammer

Everything else was wonderful.

I look forward to seeing you again.

Love you,

Oatmeal

 Comment Written 26-May-2008

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reply by the author on 26-May-2008

Hey Oatmeal,

This story won't turn you off. It's scary, but mostly everything is left up to the reader. Nothing graphic!

Thanks so much for the wonderful review!

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Norbanus

Excellent

Damn! You've got the horror flowin' in this one, Annabelle.

Don't forget to watch for those sneaky little words that slip into phrases when you least expect them. Like ..'ear pressed up against the wall..,' instead of 'ear pressed against the wall,..'

I didn't see a thing to suggest in the story.

Freddie

 Comment Written 25-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Hey Freddie,

This one is movin' right along, isn't it? Of course, the one problem I have when I write like that is all kinds of little bad habits slip by.

Actually, I just printed off the copies here to make the edits to the ms. Hey, email to follow!

Hugs,
Annabelle

Comment from bookishfabler

Excellent

Her teeth clapped together like castanets and for a moment, she was unable to move. She drew several deep breaths, shook herself off as best she could and toddled back to the bed.
(Change the wording here. you are going into Audreys head, changing POV.
and fr a moment she didn't move. and maybe take out (as best she could)

"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, that would be the best."
They clasped hands in the dark.

(skip a line)

hugs
book

 Comment Written 25-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Hey Heidi,

Dangit! I thought I was okay there, since it was something physical you could 'see' if it weren't so dark. Okay, I can make fix. God, this stinking pov thingy. I used to be so bad about that, too. Thought I'd been delivered!

I'll drop that line! Hey, from one book to another, have a great holiday. This is one of my favorites!

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Marjorie D.

Excellent

It's a horrible, frightening situation. They both sound like intelligent women. I hope they gind a weapon or a way out soon. This is clear, smooth, enjoyable writing, Gayle!

The TV screen went bland.(Did you mean blank?)

Marjorie

 Comment Written 25-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Hey Marjorie,

Y'know, I'm not sure what I meant...you know, it goes all fuzzy..bland. I think of blank as when it's off. Hmmm, I'll have to give that a look over. Blank is better, huh?

Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and I'll probably make that blank.

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Kym Jade

Excellent

The sex drive in males can turn them psychotic, so this is what has happened to Sam. So glad Beth is making escape plans, the two of them together should be able to get out.

Suggestions from our computer:
"Well, this place is so old, (a semicolon) maybe
"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, (there is some grammar rule about no commas before that) that would be the best."

Off for the next instalment.

Love and blessings

 Comment Written 24-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Metcha Ladies!

Hey, good catches there. I'll get in there and make fix. Thanks for the eagle eye!

Hugs,
Gayle

Comment from Bryana

Excellent

Oh wow! I'm glad this is fiction. I saw something on TV about a man who used to keep young girls in his basement for months as sex slaves. He was finally caught and he's now in prison.

Sorry I haven't read all chapters, but now I'm hooked and like to know what's going to happen.

Your story is well written, I found no errors.

 Comment Written 24-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Hi Bryana,

So nice to see you again. Yes, crazy as this story sounds things like this happen all the time. I'm so glad you dropped by and hope you get the chance to skim over the earlier chapters. You don't need to leave a review, no bucks left, but it might make the story easier to follow.

Hope to see yo again soon,

Gayle

Comment from TomandOma

Excellent

eeeugh! The scenes here are truly shocking, but done tastefully, if that isn't a silly remark.. but that's the way it read to me.

The two girls could be traumatized for life, but I'm putting my money on them. They are both smart and courageous; this has been established earlier. I thought it was a smart character establishment, when you had Beth acknowledge to herself that her actions allowed the pervert to snatch her. Excellent straight thinking for a teen who's used to parental protection. Good stuff, sis.

This deserves a six, except for one small nit, for I wanted to read on.

Hugs and love, Spike

 Comment Written 24-May-2008

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reply by the author on 25-May-2008

Hey Sis,

Thanks so much for the comments. I had someone else say the same thing..that we covered some pretty nasty stuff without getting dirty! Most people can use their imagination to fill in the blanks. I did the same thing in Secret Lives with the porn.

I hope our girls and the younger readers that might happen along, that you have to be alert for strangers. It's a sad statement that this is not all that unusual a case.

Love ya, Sis. Oh, you forgot to tell me the nit! I need to fix that nit!

Hugs
Annabelle

reply by TomandOma on 25-May-2008

I was having a lot of computer rebellion, Aol kept losing the connection, and I mu7st have picked up the habit. I'll see if I can find that nit, or I may be expelled as an incompetent reviewer! LOL

Hugs, sis Spike

Comment from Soloneili

Excellent

Brilliant writing. They say size matters and this is a big story. Powerful, tense, sad and a page turner. Will they escape, or will they pay an even higher price to come for their predicament.
Good stuff.

 Comment Written 24-May-2008

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reply by the author on 24-May-2008

Hey Sol,

Thanks so much for the fine comments. I appreciate your interest and hope to see you again soon,

Gayle