MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Got'cha"A Day at Sea World
18 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
I know I read this way too fast, and I didn't pick up anything. Good car chase scene, very exctiting chapter. I was surprised that Sam chose even a younger girl for his next victim. Can't say I'm sorry he ran into a tree!
Take care,
Sis
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
I know I read this way too fast, and I didn't pick up anything. Good car chase scene, very exctiting chapter. I was surprised that Sam chose even a younger girl for his next victim. Can't say I'm sorry he ran into a tree!
Take care,
Sis
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Hey Sissy,
Liked that one, huh? Cool beans, as Heidi (bookishfabler) said the other day. I'm like, groovy! LOL! We're all out to lunch!
Yeah, Sam kept blaming his lack of performance on the girls...what's new.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Sorry it's been so long. A bit of a comma thing going here.
Just then they heard the car engine turn over(,) and soon(-,) the sounds of a car driving away.
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury(, and) then banged small fists on the wall.
At speeds exceeding sixty on mountain streets(,) he did not know(-,) the ending was inevitable. The road made an abrupt turn to the right.
The tree groaned on impact; the car, at least the front end, virtually disintegrated.
The front end of the car virtually disintegrated.)
She shook her head at the cop(-,) twice, as tears
Terry nodded in agreement. "Sounds fine with me, and I agree. We don't need the hassle of getting my car pried off a rock."
"Okay, then it's agreed." Jim ( Too much 'agree' in these two sentences)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2008
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Sorry it's been so long. A bit of a comma thing going here.
Just then they heard the car engine turn over(,) and soon(-,) the sounds of a car driving away.
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury(, and) then banged small fists on the wall.
At speeds exceeding sixty on mountain streets(,) he did not know(-,) the ending was inevitable. The road made an abrupt turn to the right.
The tree groaned on impact; the car, at least the front end, virtually disintegrated.
The front end of the car virtually disintegrated.)
She shook her head at the cop(-,) twice, as tears
Terry nodded in agreement. "Sounds fine with me, and I agree. We don't need the hassle of getting my car pried off a rock."
"Okay, then it's agreed." Jim ( Too much 'agree' in these two sentences)
hugs
book
Comment Written 04-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2008
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Hey Heidi,
I hate those little buggers..too many..too few. I'm for pitching them out the window. Except reading comprehension would be strained to the max don't you think? LOL!
Will fix...I have ways. Thanks a bunch, my friend.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Hello,
I've read them all, and I must say it's a page turner. It keeps the reader wanting to know what happens next. I know that Sam's dead, now its the hunt for the girl right or is there yet more mysteries.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2008
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Hello,
I've read them all, and I must say it's a page turner. It keeps the reader wanting to know what happens next. I know that Sam's dead, now its the hunt for the girl right or is there yet more mysteries.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 03-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2008
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Well, hello again, and you did! Wow, that's a thrill. I'm so glad you are liking this one.
Will talk soon, thanks again!
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Just getting around to reading this now. Really great stuff, Gayle. You've hit your stride with this story. I have no nits to pick with your writing. You're doing this so well. Keep up the great work...
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Just getting around to reading this now. Really great stuff, Gayle. You've hit your stride with this story. I have no nits to pick with your writing. You're doing this so well. Keep up the great work...
Comment Written 02-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Thanks so much for the great R&R. Had a ball earlier over in your neck of the woods. Y'all're a wordsmith, aren't ya? Yep! Loved it.
Oh, and thanks for this great review as well.
Comment from TomandOma
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Chapter 12:
Besides, there aren't*** wild animals around San Diego, and even if we're up in the hills,
'Aren't any' or 'are no' wild animals?
********
Chapter 13
Whar a wonderful coup for the P. I.s Terry and Ella! Also, it is very realistic to have the younger woman pay attention to the goodlooking young man and therefore able to describe the car. Also #2: I hope Audrey and Beth continued their escape efforts. Will we ever know who scared them into dropping their escape maneuvers? Whoever he was, even if this isn't ever made known to the reader, I feel it's an essential element, just for the tension created.
You've done a truly great job of keeping all these threads in motion without dropping one.
~~~
He stiffened and glanced out the window to see a blue convertible pull up next to him. The passenger*** spoke on her cell phone, excited.
I didn't "see" who was in the car. Would it be more visual to say,
He stiffened and glanced out the window to see a young couple in a blue convertible pull up next to him. The passenger. . . .
Or is that fatally run-on?
~~~
Melissa nodded, took the offered hand and limped ***up the slope to the stretcher and waiting ambulance.
***Just a question" would the paramedics allow a person, surviving such a wreck, to walk up a slope?
In spite of my usual carping, I'm rating the chapter a five-star production for the exciting, well plotted, and believable winding up of this Amber Alert story. Just two more young girls to get back to the safety of their homes. I can just see you signing on the dotted line for this book!
Hugs, Spike
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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```````
Chapter 12:
Besides, there aren't*** wild animals around San Diego, and even if we're up in the hills,
'Aren't any' or 'are no' wild animals?
********
Chapter 13
Whar a wonderful coup for the P. I.s Terry and Ella! Also, it is very realistic to have the younger woman pay attention to the goodlooking young man and therefore able to describe the car. Also #2: I hope Audrey and Beth continued their escape efforts. Will we ever know who scared them into dropping their escape maneuvers? Whoever he was, even if this isn't ever made known to the reader, I feel it's an essential element, just for the tension created.
You've done a truly great job of keeping all these threads in motion without dropping one.
~~~
He stiffened and glanced out the window to see a blue convertible pull up next to him. The passenger*** spoke on her cell phone, excited.
I didn't "see" who was in the car. Would it be more visual to say,
He stiffened and glanced out the window to see a young couple in a blue convertible pull up next to him. The passenger. . . .
Or is that fatally run-on?
~~~
Melissa nodded, took the offered hand and limped ***up the slope to the stretcher and waiting ambulance.
***Just a question" would the paramedics allow a person, surviving such a wreck, to walk up a slope?
In spite of my usual carping, I'm rating the chapter a five-star production for the exciting, well plotted, and believable winding up of this Amber Alert story. Just two more young girls to get back to the safety of their homes. I can just see you signing on the dotted line for this book!
Hugs, Spike
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Hey Spike,
I didn't like the '''blue convertible pulled''' and that's a dangling unmentionable, right, cause the convertible didn't actually pull up next to him, the couple did. Dear Lord,
I don't know about me. But yes, I'll get it.
Did you talk to Freddie yet? Great news, I'll email you.
Hugs, Sis, love you bunches,
Annabelle
Ya know, as always, you're right on. I thought about that 'letting her walk up the hill', but I really wanted her to be cognizant enough to mention the sirens. Silly, huh.
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
thank you for anothergreat chapter, showtimebook! I was quite surprised sam died though. He should have been reformed if that were my story...but it isnt my story,lol. i love the way the story seems to play as a movie in my head. beautiful and vivid expressions. the plot had my pounding too. this sis one of those few stories that can do that for me.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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thank you for anothergreat chapter, showtimebook! I was quite surprised sam died though. He should have been reformed if that were my story...but it isnt my story,lol. i love the way the story seems to play as a movie in my head. beautiful and vivid expressions. the plot had my pounding too. this sis one of those few stories that can do that for me.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Hey Stephy,
Had to get rid of that dude. I kept having to take a shower! LOL!
I cannot thank you enough for the wonderful comments and support. You're a doll,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Howdy, Gayle,
A good read. Strong characterization and dang good dialogue. A couple small things for your consideration, please:
-Beth's voice, barely audible, whispered in Audrey's ear. "What's going on?" (drop the 'voice' to read 'Beth whispered in Audrey's ear')
-Staggered, he shook his head in dismay as he saw his picture appear, (do you really mean to say 'staggered' here? I think you mean something else. Staggered means: To move or stand unsteadily, as if under a great weight; totter. Maybe startled?)
Later my dear,
Hugs
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reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Howdy, Gayle,
A good read. Strong characterization and dang good dialogue. A couple small things for your consideration, please:
-Beth's voice, barely audible, whispered in Audrey's ear. "What's going on?" (drop the 'voice' to read 'Beth whispered in Audrey's ear')
-Staggered, he shook his head in dismay as he saw his picture appear, (do you really mean to say 'staggered' here? I think you mean something else. Staggered means: To move or stand unsteadily, as if under a great weight; totter. Maybe startled?)
Later my dear,
Hugs
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Comment Written 31-May-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Hey Buddy,
Ya found your socks yet? Lol, it's always the socks, huh?
Really appreciate the ideas. OK, you are totally completely right about the definition of staggered. I need another word...please, help. He's like, blown away, super shocked, almost, well, imagine you're driving down the freeway and you see your picture like that. It's that kind of staggered.
Still not a good word, dangit. Will get that old thesaursus .. sp? and find a new one.
Thanks sweetie, much appreciated..staggered..??
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Well, at least they were able to come up with some good information before the perp offed himself. Now they get to begin the tedious task of searching out the side roads in the area. Very well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Well, at least they were able to come up with some good information before the perp offed himself. Now they get to begin the tedious task of searching out the side roads in the area. Very well done.
Comment Written 31-May-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Hey Frank,
Good bye to good riddance, huh? Crud. Now we're about to shift into race mode here.
Hope you don't think the next chapters are too contrived.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
I really wasn?t expecting you to kill Sam. So glad the girl, in the trunk, wasn?t badly hurt in the crash. Now the hunt is on for the girls in the cabin. I?m sure they will continue to try break down that wall.
Suggestions:
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury then banged (her or a) small fists on wall.
thingy, let(?)s scope out any roads
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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I really wasn?t expecting you to kill Sam. So glad the girl, in the trunk, wasn?t badly hurt in the crash. Now the hunt is on for the girls in the cabin. I?m sure they will continue to try break down that wall.
Suggestions:
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury then banged (her or a) small fists on wall.
thingy, let(?)s scope out any roads
Love and blessings
Comment Written 31-May-2008
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
Oh, man, had to rid that earth of that vermin. Now we have a whold new problem to deal with.
Hang in there and yes, I'll fix those nits.
Love you,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Gayle: Wow and wow again. Great chapter and they got the booger before he did any harm to the little girl. Now, we just need to free the other two and get them back with their families. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Let me know when you have the nits cleaned up so I can upgrade the rating.
The girls huddled together on the bed, holding their breath[. S]training to hear Sam's entrance to the barn[;==>,] they waited, motionless.
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury[,] then banged small fists on [the] wall.
"Bring all the stuff, Ken[,==>.] I'm going to see if the child is injured."
They spotted him on the 5[,==>. He] took off and they chased him up into the mountains. Idiot ran into a tree.
Renie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-May-2008
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Gayle: Wow and wow again. Great chapter and they got the booger before he did any harm to the little girl. Now, we just need to free the other two and get them back with their families. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Let me know when you have the nits cleaned up so I can upgrade the rating.
The girls huddled together on the bed, holding their breath[. S]training to hear Sam's entrance to the barn[;==>,] they waited, motionless.
She rattled the doorknob several times in fury[,] then banged small fists on [the] wall.
"Bring all the stuff, Ken[,==>.] I'm going to see if the child is injured."
They spotted him on the 5[,==>. He] took off and they chased him up into the mountains. Idiot ran into a tree.
Renie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-May-2008
reply by the author on 31-May-2008
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Hey Renie,
You're so right, loved that sentence change. I'll get all these changes, my friend, count on it. Man, we're going to have so much fun!
Hugs and big thanks for this great review!
Gayle