MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Escape!"A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I've fallen way too far behind and trying to catch up. Glad the girls have aspartic and keeping their wits about them. A good write my friend.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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I've fallen way too far behind and trying to catch up. Glad the girls have aspartic and keeping their wits about them. A good write my friend.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Hey there, been a long while. Thanks for stopping by and giving your comments. I appreciate the R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Loved the conversations. as usual. you would make me crave FS a lot! i am so intrigued, showtimebook! I just wonder though if the dogs could consume the water since the girls were not supposed to? Just a thought.
Stephy
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Loved the conversations. as usual. you would make me crave FS a lot! i am so intrigued, showtimebook! I just wonder though if the dogs could consume the water since the girls were not supposed to? Just a thought.
Stephy
Comment Written 10-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hey Stephy,
This site is addictive,for sure. I still love it after four years, so I know how you feel. Thanks so much for being such a loyal fan and for your wonderful comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Just when I think I'm catching up, I have a box full of stories. This sis my first this morning. Very good chapter. Could they drink from the falling water sight. Where the water is tumbling over the rocks?
I hate wild fires too. I live in Florida and moved here the year before the wildfires and had to evacuate. It scared me shitless. I never wanted to go back to safe New York so bad. Now I'm glad I stayed though.
Didn't see any boo boo or evil Eddie. I tried to step on him for you.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Just when I think I'm catching up, I have a box full of stories. This sis my first this morning. Very good chapter. Could they drink from the falling water sight. Where the water is tumbling over the rocks?
I hate wild fires too. I live in Florida and moved here the year before the wildfires and had to evacuate. It scared me shitless. I never wanted to go back to safe New York so bad. Now I'm glad I stayed though.
Didn't see any boo boo or evil Eddie. I tried to step on him for you.
hugs
book
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Hi Lucas,
We'll hear about them in a moment, but I'll tell you, they're flat-bottomed aluminum fishing boats with outboard motors in the stern. Very basic!
The fire is still just far enough away, so when they call, the sound echos over the water? It's amazing how the water amplifies the sound.
Thanks so much for the great comments and your support!
Gayle
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Lucas? Darling I think I got the wrong replie. LOL. Take a look. Give Gayle more coffee.
hugs
Heidi
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ROFLMAO! I sent Lucas' response to you! I can't wait until I see what I said to him! I could be in deep caca! I don't know him as well as I know you!
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
Ooh, now a wildfire. Jeez! You sure don't let up on the reader, or your characters! I'm interested to see what happens next - if it's Cricket that locates the girls or not. Can't wait to find out!
A few really small things, and are just my opinion. Nothing to kick a star over:
looking for the lightest wisp of smoke. ('wisp' implies light, but that is your call.)
didn't seem to water there, perhaps due to the steepness of the water's edge (the double 'water' here bugged me. Is 'to water there' a common term that is just unfamiliar to me. I really don't know, so I'll take your word for it.)
Jim pushed the door open(,) ready for anything.
That's it!
Take care,
Sis
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Hey Gayle,
Ooh, now a wildfire. Jeez! You sure don't let up on the reader, or your characters! I'm interested to see what happens next - if it's Cricket that locates the girls or not. Can't wait to find out!
A few really small things, and are just my opinion. Nothing to kick a star over:
looking for the lightest wisp of smoke. ('wisp' implies light, but that is your call.)
didn't seem to water there, perhaps due to the steepness of the water's edge (the double 'water' here bugged me. Is 'to water there' a common term that is just unfamiliar to me. I really don't know, so I'll take your word for it.)
Jim pushed the door open(,) ready for anything.
That's it!
Take care,
Sis
Comment Written 08-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Hey Sis,
Both great ideas...wisp and water. I meant to drink there, will make fix. Thanks for the great R&R. Talk soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
Better and better. This story is rich in detail, from local scenery and climate to the natural human reactions. You aren't going to need to publish in cyber-style, my friend; some smart publisher is going to retire rich for being smart enough to recognize winners.
No nits noticed to disrupt the fine flow and the tension just keeps developing in a believable and addictive style.
No suggestions for improvement,, and I'll see you at the firestorm.
Spike
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Better and better. This story is rich in detail, from local scenery and climate to the natural human reactions. You aren't going to need to publish in cyber-style, my friend; some smart publisher is going to retire rich for being smart enough to recognize winners.
No nits noticed to disrupt the fine flow and the tension just keeps developing in a believable and addictive style.
No suggestions for improvement,, and I'll see you at the firestorm.
Spike
Comment Written 08-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Oh Sis, you're always so supportive and know just when to give me a boost. I thank you so much for the R&R. We'll talk soon,
Love,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Good morning, Gayle,
Always enjoy one of your segments to read. Smooth sailing, for the most part. I'm trying to make use of myself here and think I've found a few small nits, for your consideration, please:
-Southern California sweltered under the onslaught of Santa Ana's. (for us who don't reside near California, humor me. Southern California is sweltering under the onslught of Santa Ana's what? Heat? Desert-like drought? I feel as if there's something missing here.)
-Okay, after finishing the paragraph,I'm wondering whether or not the above sentence should end with 'the onslaught of Santa Ana'?
-Beth and Audrey, lost and with no idea where to go, decided to head west. (Tighten it up: Beth and Audrey, lost with no idea where to go, head west.)
-By noon, their feet bled, and a variety of bugs insisted on gnawing on their wounds (By noon, their feet were bleeding with a variety of bugs gnawing on their wounds.)
- It was a by accident that they stumbled on a trail in decent condition. (It was by accident ... an 'a' slipped in there.)
-The trail, complete with deer tracks, wound its way through the forest, straight for the most part, occasionally rerouting around huge piles of rocks or a fallen tree. ('Straight for the most part' adds nothing to the sentence. In fact, I think it mushes the wonderul detail here.)
-Her teeth began to chatter. (Just tightening here: Her teeth chattered.)
-Some five minutes later, they emerged from the water. (Drop the 'some')
-Those kids could be very nearby, (Very nearby? Why not just nearby? Sounds kinda strange with 'very' in front in this case.)
-Tony followed behind her, eyes gleaming.... (We know he's following the dog. YOu don't need the 'her' in it. 'Tony followed behind .... Don't need to hand-hold the reader through everything!)
That's it.Nothing too serious. YOu go girl!!
Always, David :)
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Good morning, Gayle,
Always enjoy one of your segments to read. Smooth sailing, for the most part. I'm trying to make use of myself here and think I've found a few small nits, for your consideration, please:
-Southern California sweltered under the onslaught of Santa Ana's. (for us who don't reside near California, humor me. Southern California is sweltering under the onslught of Santa Ana's what? Heat? Desert-like drought? I feel as if there's something missing here.)
-Okay, after finishing the paragraph,I'm wondering whether or not the above sentence should end with 'the onslaught of Santa Ana'?
-Beth and Audrey, lost and with no idea where to go, decided to head west. (Tighten it up: Beth and Audrey, lost with no idea where to go, head west.)
-By noon, their feet bled, and a variety of bugs insisted on gnawing on their wounds (By noon, their feet were bleeding with a variety of bugs gnawing on their wounds.)
- It was a by accident that they stumbled on a trail in decent condition. (It was by accident ... an 'a' slipped in there.)
-The trail, complete with deer tracks, wound its way through the forest, straight for the most part, occasionally rerouting around huge piles of rocks or a fallen tree. ('Straight for the most part' adds nothing to the sentence. In fact, I think it mushes the wonderul detail here.)
-Her teeth began to chatter. (Just tightening here: Her teeth chattered.)
-Some five minutes later, they emerged from the water. (Drop the 'some')
-Those kids could be very nearby, (Very nearby? Why not just nearby? Sounds kinda strange with 'very' in front in this case.)
-Tony followed behind her, eyes gleaming.... (We know he's following the dog. YOu don't need the 'her' in it. 'Tony followed behind .... Don't need to hand-hold the reader through everything!)
That's it.Nothing too serious. YOu go girl!!
Always, David :)
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey David,
You're always useful. Okay, in order, the Santa Ana's, or the San'tanas, as we say'em are 'devil winds' that come from deep within the desert. They're HOT and cause terrible fires. I'd gone into this in the earlier two chapters, but I can certainly say a bit more! You know me..I can always say a bit more! LOL
I agree with all the other ideas you suggested except to change 'bled to were bleeding' but I can make it so you like it anyway!
What a wonderful, spot-on review, my friend! I'm off to repair and here's a thumb!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
From the frying pan into the fire! This is taking another adventurous turn I see. More excitement to come. :))
"Check this out, Audrey[; looks] pretty clean...
"They probably don't think so, but yes[; coyotes] and bobcats, for sure[, maybe] a bear?
"Snow melt, and thank God for it. Cold! But oh so good."
["I won?t be in here long, that's for sure, man." ]
See you in the next chapter Gayle good going!
Happy writing
Sylvia
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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From the frying pan into the fire! This is taking another adventurous turn I see. More excitement to come. :))
"Check this out, Audrey[; looks] pretty clean...
"They probably don't think so, but yes[; coyotes] and bobcats, for sure[, maybe] a bear?
"Snow melt, and thank God for it. Cold! But oh so good."
["I won?t be in here long, that's for sure, man." ]
See you in the next chapter Gayle good going!
Happy writing
Sylvia
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Sylvia,
Some editing to do, I see, and I thank you for the eagle eye. I'm going back in there to fix!
Have a great weekend,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Hi, Gayle. Oh, my gosh, just when we thought the danger was over, her comes the wildfires. Poor girls, their feet just makes mine hurt. C'mon, girlfriend, I'm getting antsy.
It was (omit==>a) by accident that they stumbled on a trail in decent condition.
The sounds of water [clear now==>now clearly] told them what lay ahead.
(Not sure about the beginning to this sentence.)
Odorless, clear she turned to the ground and rubbed her hands to clean them,
Renie
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hi, Gayle. Oh, my gosh, just when we thought the danger was over, her comes the wildfires. Poor girls, their feet just makes mine hurt. C'mon, girlfriend, I'm getting antsy.
It was (omit==>a) by accident that they stumbled on a trail in decent condition.
The sounds of water [clear now==>now clearly] told them what lay ahead.
(Not sure about the beginning to this sentence.)
Odorless, clear she turned to the ground and rubbed her hands to clean them,
Renie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Renie,
I whipped this one out toooo fast. Needs some editing, which I'm about to go in and do. Like that "a"! What's with that?
Have a great weekend, and thanks for the R&R!
Gayle
Comment from Jonez08
Poor girls. At least they are developing survival skills. Very well written and excellent imagery in this chapter. I look forward to the rescue. (Am curious as to why you killed Sam off when the story was based on him). I look forward to the next chapter
Cassandra
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Poor girls. At least they are developing survival skills. Very well written and excellent imagery in this chapter. I look forward to the rescue. (Am curious as to why you killed Sam off when the story was based on him). I look forward to the next chapter
Cassandra
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2008
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Hey Cassandra,
Well, I killed off Sam because I didn't like him! LOL! No, it was just time for him to go. He'd served his purpose. At first I thought I'd have Tony take him out, but then, nah!
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and high rating!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Those winds sound so ominous, definitely wouldn?t want to be wandering around in the woods when they are that dry. So glad the girls found water, boy is their skin going to be raw by the time they reach safety. We don?t very often here this line: Lead on, McDuff. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings.
Will PM suggestions.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Those winds sound so ominous, definitely wouldn?t want to be wandering around in the woods when they are that dry. So glad the girls found water, boy is their skin going to be raw by the time they reach safety. We don?t very often here this line: Lead on, McDuff. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings.
Will PM suggestions.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Hey Ladies,
Yeah, they are not in an enviable position, for sure.
Did you like the McDuff? It always makes me grin. Thanks so much for the comments and the great R&R!
See you soon,
Love,
Gayle