MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Inferno!"A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from TomandOma
Another wonderfully written, realistic and swift moving chapter: I could smell the smokw and hear the roar.of the fires leaping across to incinerate their way through the timber.
The scenes you describe are drawn in stark visuals; at the same time, they increase the readers tension and involvement with your doughty heros and heroines.
Absolutely great! No nits noticed, I can't wait for the next chapter.
Hugs,
Spike
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2008
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Another wonderfully written, realistic and swift moving chapter: I could smell the smokw and hear the roar.of the fires leaping across to incinerate their way through the timber.
The scenes you describe are drawn in stark visuals; at the same time, they increase the readers tension and involvement with your doughty heros and heroines.
Absolutely great! No nits noticed, I can't wait for the next chapter.
Hugs,
Spike
Comment Written 11-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2008
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Hi Spike,
Well, I'm blown away. You don't part with those sixes easily. I can't thank you enough for the time and nurturing you've given me and my muse over the years, and we want you to know we'll always be grateful.
You'll always be da bestest sis,
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hello Gayle, good you found the girls safely and nothing happened to endanger anyone or is there further trouble brewing? Good job..
He glanced at her and smiled, a mixed expression of admiration and concern...
Happy writing
Sylvia
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hello Gayle, good you found the girls safely and nothing happened to endanger anyone or is there further trouble brewing? Good job..
He glanced at her and smiled, a mixed expression of admiration and concern...
Happy writing
Sylvia
Comment Written 10-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hi again, Sylvia,
Thanks so much for reading along like this. Makes me smile to see your reviews come up. Take care and have a great day,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
I am so glad. I got the impression that the girls will face more molesters, rapists, or some sort of slave drivers or perhaps a mythical witch that wanted them for adoption out of loneliness... you frightened ME, showtimebook! It is a big miracle to myself they are saved! I take my hats off you.
Stephy.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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I am so glad. I got the impression that the girls will face more molesters, rapists, or some sort of slave drivers or perhaps a mythical witch that wanted them for adoption out of loneliness... you frightened ME, showtimebook! It is a big miracle to myself they are saved! I take my hats off you.
Stephy.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hey Stephy,
Well, after what they went through, the girls now feel safe...rescued. They're not out of the woods by a longshot, so hang in there. We have a bumpy ride ahead of us.
Thanks again<~>
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
How horrific! Fire is so scary and to be lost, plus escaping from a kidnapper all in one fell swoop--WOW! Excitement and intrigue is the name of the game. Now, what will the outcome be from this inferno? Great piece of writing, Gayle.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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How horrific! Fire is so scary and to be lost, plus escaping from a kidnapper all in one fell swoop--WOW! Excitement and intrigue is the name of the game. Now, what will the outcome be from this inferno? Great piece of writing, Gayle.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 10-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hey Renie,
We're moving right along, huh? It gives me the willies writing about fire. Out here, it's wow, our biggest fear.
Thanks so much for the support.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Hello, my dear, Gayle,
YOu're cruising rigth along with this inferno. The descriptions were really well done. It's easy to visualize those shots of flames bursting into the sky. The dialogue is strong.
Very good job. A couple tiny nits for your consideration, please:
- floated on the air (in the air, or, perhaps, through the air.)
-Still the dog would not relax. (The way this is written, it reads like the dog is named 'Still'. YOu need a comma after Still)
That's it! Told ya they were tiny!!
Have a blessed night.
Hugs for another day.
David
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hello, my dear, Gayle,
YOu're cruising rigth along with this inferno. The descriptions were really well done. It's easy to visualize those shots of flames bursting into the sky. The dialogue is strong.
Very good job. A couple tiny nits for your consideration, please:
- floated on the air (in the air, or, perhaps, through the air.)
-Still the dog would not relax. (The way this is written, it reads like the dog is named 'Still'. YOu need a comma after Still)
That's it! Told ya they were tiny!!
Have a blessed night.
Hugs for another day.
David
Comment Written 10-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hi David,
I will get that comma in there asap. I appreciate the eagle eye...mine's been poked out! LOL!
Hugs and a great day to you,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle!
Good idea about the boats. I was wondering how the heck they were going to find Lenny and Jim by road, or on foot, with the fire. Good action here. Exciting read!
One general comment. At the point where they meet up with the girls on the boat, consider putting some more description in there. How do the girls look/feel/act when first getting on the boat - maybe more interaction w/Ella on their own first. We need some more detail, I think.
Some other things:
She sneezed several times, coughing. ('and coughed', maybe? Or is she sneezing and coughing all at the same time?)
The poor air quality made breathing uncomfortable but before long
smell of smoke made breathing uncomfortable.
('breathing uncomfortable' two times very close together. Adjust one.)
The guys haven't eaten in hours and those kids. I shudder to think. (consider either an emdash or an ellipsis after 'those kids'. It doesn't seem like the sentence should just end in a full stop?)
from time-to-time and mutter (from time to time? I wasn't sure about the dashes there. See if anyone dings you on this.)
The man shook his head, hand extended. "Can I help you? What's wrong?" He leaned toward Terry, tissue box in hand
(So he extends one hand to shake, or does to have the tissue box in the same hand?)
treetops like hula dancers, mesmerizing, alluring, and deadly.
(not sure, but consider a colon after 'dancers' instead of a comma.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle!
Good idea about the boats. I was wondering how the heck they were going to find Lenny and Jim by road, or on foot, with the fire. Good action here. Exciting read!
One general comment. At the point where they meet up with the girls on the boat, consider putting some more description in there. How do the girls look/feel/act when first getting on the boat - maybe more interaction w/Ella on their own first. We need some more detail, I think.
Some other things:
She sneezed several times, coughing. ('and coughed', maybe? Or is she sneezing and coughing all at the same time?)
The poor air quality made breathing uncomfortable but before long
smell of smoke made breathing uncomfortable.
('breathing uncomfortable' two times very close together. Adjust one.)
The guys haven't eaten in hours and those kids. I shudder to think. (consider either an emdash or an ellipsis after 'those kids'. It doesn't seem like the sentence should just end in a full stop?)
from time-to-time and mutter (from time to time? I wasn't sure about the dashes there. See if anyone dings you on this.)
The man shook his head, hand extended. "Can I help you? What's wrong?" He leaned toward Terry, tissue box in hand
(So he extends one hand to shake, or does to have the tissue box in the same hand?)
treetops like hula dancers, mesmerizing, alluring, and deadly.
(not sure, but consider a colon after 'dancers' instead of a comma.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Hey, Sissy, I have stuff to fix. When he extends his hands, it's that guy thing they do when a girl cries...I'll work on that.
Pasted everything out and will get right on it. Thanks so much for reading along and for all the help you're always able to give. Bless you!
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Wow, dingies on the lake. So glad they are all together. They should be OK as long as those hot embers don't land on them. The action sure is hotting up.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Wow, dingies on the lake. So glad they are all together. They should be OK as long as those hot embers don't land on them. The action sure is hotting up.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Boyar Girls! LOL, I've been waiting to say THAT for a while, tehee!
Thanks so much for the great review and your wonderful support.
Love you muchly,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Oh Boy they're safe, you sure know how to stop a person's heart for fear. The smoke so thick I was having a hard time breathing. You had all the emotions. It was a very enjoyable story. I like it all the story, the characters, it flowed well.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Oh Boy they're safe, you sure know how to stop a person's heart for fear. The smoke so thick I was having a hard time breathing. You had all the emotions. It was a very enjoyable story. I like it all the story, the characters, it flowed well.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2008
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Well, m'dear, pehaps not. But we'll see. I'm sure it will all turn out. Thanks for the great comments and your R&R. It's appreciated!
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Well, they've got the girls, but they still have to get off the mountain. Depending on how big the lake is, it could work to their advangage. Still, this is a very tense situation. Very well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Well, they've got the girls, but they still have to get off the mountain. Depending on how big the lake is, it could work to their advangage. Still, this is a very tense situation. Very well done.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Great catch, Heidi. I changed it to ..'sending chunks of flaming debris high in...'
Thanks for that one. Sometimes I get to typing so fast I don't see what's there. Thanks so much for all the love and support!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This was an excellent chapter, especially the ending. This story just gets better and better each time I read it, Gayle. Great work.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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This was an excellent chapter, especially the ending. This story just gets better and better each time I read it, Gayle. Great work.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2008
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Hey Johnny,
this is so much fun to write. I don't use an outline, y'know, I just let the characters play, so I have no idea what's going to happen next. Oh, a vague idea, but other than that, blank slate!
Thanks for the great R&R,
Hugs,
Gayle