MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Rescue!"A Day at Sea World
13 total reviews
Comment from TomandOma
Well! Fred may have advised increasing the tension, but you almost gave me a heart attack with this one. Wow!
I can't imagine anything worse than a forest fire, except maybe a mammoth sink-hole. You really kept the tension building and the final rescue is original in tone, detail and momentum.
Wonderful stuff! Don't change a word.
Love and hugs,
Spike
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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Well! Fred may have advised increasing the tension, but you almost gave me a heart attack with this one. Wow!
I can't imagine anything worse than a forest fire, except maybe a mammoth sink-hole. You really kept the tension building and the final rescue is original in tone, detail and momentum.
Wonderful stuff! Don't change a word.
Love and hugs,
Spike
Comment Written 17-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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OMG! Sis! A sixer. Man, I can't tell you how much that means coming from you. I've been stuck in the editing cave and thought I'd better come out and say hey, and look here!
Fire is just the scariest thing imaginable and we see them so often out here. Thanks again for the truly incredible support and your comments.
Love you, Sis,
Annabelle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
yeeks... you sure are go at fear-effects, showtimebook. its showtime all the time! i am sure my heart skipped a beat with the fire then another with the lake. You happen to sell insurance for fan-readers?
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2008
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yeeks... you sure are go at fear-effects, showtimebook. its showtime all the time! i am sure my heart skipped a beat with the fire then another with the lake. You happen to sell insurance for fan-readers?
Comment Written 14-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2008
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Hi Stephy!
Scared you, huh? Well, that's the aim, for sure. I know you're going to love the ending of this chapter...coming up.
Now insurance...hmmm, could be a business in there! LOL!
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Jonez08
Oh my God. Talk about light, camera action. You have it in this one Gayle. Bravo to Tony..good boy. I can't determine which is worse the fire or sam. I look forward to the next chapter. Well written. I love the imagery.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Oh my God. Talk about light, camera action. You have it in this one Gayle. Bravo to Tony..good boy. I can't determine which is worse the fire or sam. I look forward to the next chapter. Well written. I love the imagery.
Cassandra
Comment Written 13-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hi Cassandra,
I'm grinning! What a wonderful review. I appreciate your kind comments and continued support.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Gayle, you always make me smile! You are terrific at what you do. I see why you are at the top of FS charts! Have a good weekend.
Cassandra :0)
Comment from bookishfabler
My, my. What an adventure. Where do I get a dog like that? As if being kidnapped wasn't enough.
Flaming debris fell around them(-,) now, and more than once, they brushed off flaming embers. (I don't think you need that comma)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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My, my. What an adventure. Where do I get a dog like that? As if being kidnapped wasn't enough.
Flaming debris fell around them(-,) now, and more than once, they brushed off flaming embers. (I don't think you need that comma)
hugs
book
Comment Written 13-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Oh, aren't they just wonderful. I love playing with the dogs, Heidi, especially when I can give Amy some 'attitude'...like she prefers to ride in the convertible! LOL!
Glad you like this one and I'll get that comma. Take care, have a great weekend,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Cricket, stay!"
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they {held [tried to hold] their breath as Lenny and Jim tore down the hill. (This sentence somehow does not sound right)
The dogs are the heroes, good show! This story is keeping me glued to see when the next chapter will come up. Best of luck.
Happy writing
Sylvia
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Cricket, stay!"
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they {held [tried to hold] their breath as Lenny and Jim tore down the hill. (This sentence somehow does not sound right)
The dogs are the heroes, good show! This story is keeping me glued to see when the next chapter will come up. Best of luck.
Happy writing
Sylvia
Comment Written 13-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hey Sylvia,
I have to rework that sentence. Thanks so much for pointing it out to me. Your R&R is sso much appreciated and your reviews always make me smile!
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Lots of action and plenty of heat going on here, Gayle.
Well described with great dialogue between the main characters. At times, I think pewrhaps the dialogue is going on too long without any narrative, but that just might be me. Well done, my friend!
A couple things for your consideration, please:
-after hours of sustained winds hammering their eardrums(,) literally drained their energy with silence.
-Without winds[ to drive it], the fire pattern stalled, (YOu don't need the 'to drive it' at all. It just adds blah to your sentence. We understand that its the wind that has been driving the fire.)
-The trees in this area towered so high above the lake they hid the fire on this side from actual view (I know what you're trying to say, but there's something missing. Try: 'The trees in this area towered way above the lake, hiding the fire from view'.)
-The boats bobbed softly next to the dock, bumping lightly against the pillars. (The boats bobbed softly, bumping lightly against the dock pillars.)
-and nodded at the pile (of) stuff on the counter. (or do you mean 'piled stuff'? Personally, I like pile of stuff.)
Keep up the terrific work and I'll be tagging along with ya!
Later gator,
David :)
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Lots of action and plenty of heat going on here, Gayle.
Well described with great dialogue between the main characters. At times, I think pewrhaps the dialogue is going on too long without any narrative, but that just might be me. Well done, my friend!
A couple things for your consideration, please:
-after hours of sustained winds hammering their eardrums(,) literally drained their energy with silence.
-Without winds[ to drive it], the fire pattern stalled, (YOu don't need the 'to drive it' at all. It just adds blah to your sentence. We understand that its the wind that has been driving the fire.)
-The trees in this area towered so high above the lake they hid the fire on this side from actual view (I know what you're trying to say, but there's something missing. Try: 'The trees in this area towered way above the lake, hiding the fire from view'.)
-The boats bobbed softly next to the dock, bumping lightly against the pillars. (The boats bobbed softly, bumping lightly against the dock pillars.)
-and nodded at the pile (of) stuff on the counter. (or do you mean 'piled stuff'? Personally, I like pile of stuff.)
Keep up the terrific work and I'll be tagging along with ya!
Later gator,
David :)
Comment Written 12-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hey David,
Great edits...super duper eagle eye. You get a thumb! And, of course, my biggest thanks for your assistance. Sometimes the story is so exciting I'm typing away, but not doing much reading!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Gayle!
Ooh! I didn't know what was coming, but I didn't expect this. Exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to end the chapter, girl! Tony and Amy are my heroes!
Very nice job describing the fire bearing down on them. It made me read faster as the men headed away from it. Freaked me out!
Check these out:
"I'm not sure, but it can't be much farther(.) (W)hy?"
The eerie stillness, after hours of sustained winds hammering their eardrums(,) literally drained their energy with (its?)
silence (something about this reads a bit awkward, Gayle. I can't quite figure it out.)
her seat, trying to see where the fire was. The trees in this area towered so high above the lake they hid the fire on this side from actual view. The steep bank from the store down to the lake further masked the fire's location. (watch overuse of 'the fire'. Three times here.)
and crammed the stuff
store to find Lenny cramming things into his pockets (crammed/cramming - repetitive.)
and nodded at the pile (+of) stuff on t (You've used 'stuff' a couple times too. Watch overuse.)
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they held their breath as Lenny (okay, consider rephrasing a bit, because it seems like they are screaming and holding their breath at the same time.)
Amy charged down the dock, (Okay, there's nothing wrong with this, but I cut and pasted this as a reminder to me to tell you taht you use 'down' and 'the dock' quite a bit in this part. Reread to see if you see what I mean.)
of the canvass (canvas?) strap
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Gayle!
Ooh! I didn't know what was coming, but I didn't expect this. Exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to end the chapter, girl! Tony and Amy are my heroes!
Very nice job describing the fire bearing down on them. It made me read faster as the men headed away from it. Freaked me out!
Check these out:
"I'm not sure, but it can't be much farther(.) (W)hy?"
The eerie stillness, after hours of sustained winds hammering their eardrums(,) literally drained their energy with (its?)
silence (something about this reads a bit awkward, Gayle. I can't quite figure it out.)
her seat, trying to see where the fire was. The trees in this area towered so high above the lake they hid the fire on this side from actual view. The steep bank from the store down to the lake further masked the fire's location. (watch overuse of 'the fire'. Three times here.)
and crammed the stuff
store to find Lenny cramming things into his pockets (crammed/cramming - repetitive.)
and nodded at the pile (+of) stuff on t (You've used 'stuff' a couple times too. Watch overuse.)
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they held their breath as Lenny (okay, consider rephrasing a bit, because it seems like they are screaming and holding their breath at the same time.)
Amy charged down the dock, (Okay, there's nothing wrong with this, but I cut and pasted this as a reminder to me to tell you taht you use 'down' and 'the dock' quite a bit in this part. Reread to see if you see what I mean.)
of the canvass (canvas?) strap
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hey Sis,
Pasted this out and will fix everything. I didn't like that sentence either, and I'm revamping the one with Amy, too. Ditched the extra s...thanks so much for the time and effort. As always, it is so appreciated.
Hey, whatcha think? Sounds like I hit the Big Brown thingy right between the eyes!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Dog power, Gee those dogs love Jim. It sounds like they got to him long before any humans could have. It sounds like they were in the eye of a storm with the wind stopping and then a wall of fire. Loved the action in this chapter.
Typo:
He sighed with relief and nodded at the pile (of) stuff on the counter.
Love and blessings
Have you seen our latest chapter?
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Dog power, Gee those dogs love Jim. It sounds like they got to him long before any humans could have. It sounds like they were in the eye of a storm with the wind stopping and then a wall of fire. Loved the action in this chapter.
Typo:
He sighed with relief and nodded at the pile (of) stuff on the counter.
Love and blessings
Have you seen our latest chapter?
Comment Written 12-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hey Ladies,
So good to see you. I saw a pm from you, and I'm off to see what the wizzard has in her little bag of tricks.
Glad you liked this one, added the of and thanks for the eagle eye!
Now I'm off to read your stuff!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, my word! I'm on edge and biting my cuticles, trying to help everyone and the dogs get out of harms' way. What clever animals. Is the water going to ruin what is in the bags? Is Jim okay? Are they going to make it away from the inferno in time? Hurry! I need answers, Gayle!
The tricked-out van, complete with cloaking device, fuzz-buster and (omit==>the) all the latest Intel options OnStar offered was worth almost a hundred grand.
He sighed with relief and nodded at the pile [of] stuff on the counter.
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they held their breath as Lenny and Jim tore down the hill. (How can they hold their breath if they are screaming?)
Short, sharp, vicious jerks slowly but surely began to pull Jim [closed==>closer] to the edge of the dock, but not fast enough.
Renie
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Oh, my word! I'm on edge and biting my cuticles, trying to help everyone and the dogs get out of harms' way. What clever animals. Is the water going to ruin what is in the bags? Is Jim okay? Are they going to make it away from the inferno in time? Hurry! I need answers, Gayle!
The tricked-out van, complete with cloaking device, fuzz-buster and (omit==>the) all the latest Intel options OnStar offered was worth almost a hundred grand.
He sighed with relief and nodded at the pile [of] stuff on the counter.
Eyes wide, screams high-pitched, they held their breath as Lenny and Jim tore down the hill. (How can they hold their breath if they are screaming?)
Short, sharp, vicious jerks slowly but surely began to pull Jim [closed==>closer] to the edge of the dock, but not fast enough.
Renie
Comment Written 12-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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Hey Renie,
That sentence gave so many readers fits, I'll have to completely adjust. This was one of those chapters I was writing so fast, I don't think I READ!
Thanks for the catches, got them fixed!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
I stubbed my toe, hit my head on a pillar, my nap sack went into the water, and the fire is burning my clothes off.
Lord a mercy get me out of here. It was to real, I could feel the fire and the fear of all of them. Get us to safety please.
Good luck, waiting for the next installment.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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I stubbed my toe, hit my head on a pillar, my nap sack went into the water, and the fire is burning my clothes off.
Lord a mercy get me out of here. It was to real, I could feel the fire and the fear of all of them. Get us to safety please.
Good luck, waiting for the next installment.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 12-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
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LOL! What a darling review! I sure appreciate all your wonderful comments and your enjoyment of this book makes me smile.
Thank you very much<~>
Gayle
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Hello,
You are right I am enjoying your book very much. Looking foreward to the next installment.
You are writing very exciting chapters keep up the good work.
Good luck.
Butterflykiss