MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Rescue, Pt. 2"A Day at Sea World
20 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
your characters are very believable as usual and the scenes wee as usual ,lively. loved the flow. i wonder why the troops of your chracters seem to be in trouble all the time.... its like a thriller... much intrigued...
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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your characters are very believable as usual and the scenes wee as usual ,lively. loved the flow. i wonder why the troops of your chracters seem to be in trouble all the time.... its like a thriller... much intrigued...
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hi Stephy,
Thanks for the wonderful review. I'm glad this chapter pleased you and I appreciate you stopping by for an R&R.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from EricMentzer
good descriptive piece of work,
a story well told and easy to follow.
Very intriguing and thought provoking....holding the interest throughout.
An enjoyable read.
A pleasure to review work so well written, with correct spelling and punctuation.
Good Luck,
Eric
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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good descriptive piece of work,
a story well told and easy to follow.
Very intriguing and thought provoking....holding the interest throughout.
An enjoyable read.
A pleasure to review work so well written, with correct spelling and punctuation.
Good Luck,
Eric
Comment Written 18-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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Hi Eric,
I appreciate your R&R and the fine comments. We're just about done with this one and I'm glad you were able to enjoy it.
Hope to see you again,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
"This is the California Department of Forestry. Help is on the way." They dropped two sacks into the lake next to them*** and flew away.
They/them = confusing? Maybe: next to the boat
Just a thought. This entire episode is so marvelously filled with tension, suspense and the vivid picture of danger, injury and rescue that any fault-finding seems a fault in itself.
I know your kids are your favorites, with the fun of horses, etal, but this book is a dazzler.
You rock!
Hugs, Spike
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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"This is the California Department of Forestry. Help is on the way." They dropped two sacks into the lake next to them*** and flew away.
They/them = confusing? Maybe: next to the boat
Just a thought. This entire episode is so marvelously filled with tension, suspense and the vivid picture of danger, injury and rescue that any fault-finding seems a fault in itself.
I know your kids are your favorites, with the fun of horses, etal, but this book is a dazzler.
You rock!
Hugs, Spike
Comment Written 17-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2008
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Oh Sis, praise from you means more than you know. I really worked hard on this one, wanted to get the edginess in there. I'm glad I filled the bill for you. Oh, I'm just doing the happy dance all over the office.
Say, have you heard from Freddie? I hope Angela's alright. I'm gonna give him a buzz. Oh, thanks again, Spike, you the bestest!
Annabelle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Good action going on here again! You've made the fire come alive for us -- and very nicely done w/ Jim and the dogs and Lenny saving him!
One overall comment: consider making more mention of Beth and Audrey in this chapter. We almost forget they are even there, especially toward the end.
Some stuff to check out:
He landed between the dogs, stood up (<--need 'up'?) and wrenched the strap from their grasp.
You girls get the boats farther into the lake," he shouted (need?---> at Terry), then finally jerked
Ella stretched her arms toward Jim, hands rapidly opening and closing in fists, and screaming. (<--the use of 'screaming' here stood out to me, Gayle, maybe as almost too panicky for Ella. Consider 'screaming his name', or something along those lines. But your call.)
That's it! Take care,
Sis
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Good action going on here again! You've made the fire come alive for us -- and very nicely done w/ Jim and the dogs and Lenny saving him!
One overall comment: consider making more mention of Beth and Audrey in this chapter. We almost forget they are even there, especially toward the end.
Some stuff to check out:
He landed between the dogs, stood up (<--need 'up'?) and wrenched the strap from their grasp.
You girls get the boats farther into the lake," he shouted (need?---> at Terry), then finally jerked
Ella stretched her arms toward Jim, hands rapidly opening and closing in fists, and screaming. (<--the use of 'screaming' here stood out to me, Gayle, maybe as almost too panicky for Ella. Consider 'screaming his name', or something along those lines. But your call.)
That's it! Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hi Sissy,
I'll check into your suggestions. I appreciate you stopping by and the wonderful comments.
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
The description of events sounds like you've been there. Very believable. The very end, it seems you forgot to mention the two kidnapped girls. Did they leave the poor things on the boat?
trying to unloose the boats. ( I think it's 'loosen')
hugs
book
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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The description of events sounds like you've been there. Very believable. The very end, it seems you forgot to mention the two kidnapped girls. Did they leave the poor things on the boat?
trying to unloose the boats. ( I think it's 'loosen')
hugs
book
Comment Written 16-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hi Heidi,
I guess the girls will come into the next chapter pretty heavy. Do seem to have slipped through the cracks, huh? Will fix.
Thanks a bunch for the review and kind comments.
Gayle
Comment from RossJM
Good story. Excellent development. Very intense. I really enjoyed this reading.
Glad the horror of the fire ended up so professionally resolved and the people rescued.
Good job.
Ross
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Good story. Excellent development. Very intense. I really enjoyed this reading.
Glad the horror of the fire ended up so professionally resolved and the people rescued.
Good job.
Ross
Comment Written 16-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hey Ross!
So good to see you again. Thanks for the fine comments and great review. Appreciate your time,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Exceptional chapter, Gayle. Great plot development and action with some great dialogue thrown in for good measure. You're an author I admire and learn from.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Exceptional chapter, Gayle. Great plot development and action with some great dialogue thrown in for good measure. You're an author I admire and learn from.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Holy cow, a sixer! Thanks so much, Johnny, I am thrilled that you liked this one so much.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, and it takes care of the question I had at the end of the previous chapter. I see that you've split a long, single chapter to fit on Fanstory. I couldn't find any nits, but I have a question:
About the cell phones. Wouldn't the fire have taken out the cell phone towers? I am not sure what the range of a tower is, but I think it's something like fifteen miles on flat ground, possibly less in the mountains.
A splinter in the skull sounds bad. There are gaps where the skull plates meet, and something could get in there. The worst danger would be menangitis, and the splinter has already been there for twelve hours.
Dave M
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter, and it takes care of the question I had at the end of the previous chapter. I see that you've split a long, single chapter to fit on Fanstory. I couldn't find any nits, but I have a question:
About the cell phones. Wouldn't the fire have taken out the cell phone towers? I am not sure what the range of a tower is, but I think it's something like fifteen miles on flat ground, possibly less in the mountains.
A splinter in the skull sounds bad. There are gaps where the skull plates meet, and something could get in there. The worst danger would be menangitis, and the splinter has already been there for twelve hours.
Dave M
Comment Written 15-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hey Dave,
I think between the fire and the amount of time they've spent talking, the cells are out of juice.
I always cut the story for FS. I try to keep under 1500 words 'cause it's just so hard to read on the monitor...at least for me.
Jim had better not be hurt too badly. They don't let dogs into the hospital and besides, we have more adventures to go on!
Thanks for the great comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Excellent continuation. It sounds to me like Jim has what I would call more than a splinter. At least, now he is on his way to the hospital and the others are seemingly out of danger. A harrowing expreience to say the least. Very well done.
back and forth, trying to (unloose) [this appears to be a double negative]
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Excellent continuation. It sounds to me like Jim has what I would call more than a splinter. At least, now he is on his way to the hospital and the others are seemingly out of danger. A harrowing expreience to say the least. Very well done.
back and forth, trying to (unloose) [this appears to be a double negative]
Comment Written 15-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2008
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Hey Frank,
I finally settled on untie the boat! LOL! I think it works better.
I'm hoping Jim's injury is not serious...we have too many fun adventures ahead!
Thanks for the great review,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Howdy,Gayle!
YOu certainly are painting a very clear picture for us. Terrific. Well done, with very realistic dialgue and narrative.
I found some very small things for your consideration, please. Remember, these aren't really errors as much as just a little suggestion:
-trying to unloose the boats. (loosen)
-The sounds of the fire rose to a crescendo, blotting out all but the hellish fire around them. (Maybe it's because it's too early in the morning ... I don't know, but I'm having a problem with this sentence. The sounds is well-described, but it's blocking out all but the hellish fire around them? I think I know what you're trying to say, Gayle ... I'm picturing this blazing inferno out of control.YOu wouldn't hear anything but the fire, right? SO, I don't know ... why not just say that 'The sounds of the fire rose to a crescendo, silencing all other sounds.'
Ah, who knows ... I'm probably just babbling. I'mjusttrying to keep it simpler, and not repeating 'fire' in the sentence.)
- It wasn't until Terry shook his shoulder, frantically pointing at the thrashing dogs (IMO, I'd use a synonym for 'frantically.' YOu used Frantic in the sentence before.)
-His head lolling on the other man's chest, he glanced at the dogs and feebly patted the dock several times. (I'd place 'With' at the front of this sentence to make it more complete)
-In a hoarse and raspy voice(,) Jim assured her that his injuries were minor.
-"Nothing is ever that easy," Audrey said, "nothing." ("Nothing is easy," Audrey said. "Nothing.")
-Mesmerized(,) they stared at the unbelievable conflagration
Keep up the great work, my dear.YOu post and I'll read.
Take care and keep smiling.
hugs,
David
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2008
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Howdy,Gayle!
YOu certainly are painting a very clear picture for us. Terrific. Well done, with very realistic dialgue and narrative.
I found some very small things for your consideration, please. Remember, these aren't really errors as much as just a little suggestion:
-trying to unloose the boats. (loosen)
-The sounds of the fire rose to a crescendo, blotting out all but the hellish fire around them. (Maybe it's because it's too early in the morning ... I don't know, but I'm having a problem with this sentence. The sounds is well-described, but it's blocking out all but the hellish fire around them? I think I know what you're trying to say, Gayle ... I'm picturing this blazing inferno out of control.YOu wouldn't hear anything but the fire, right? SO, I don't know ... why not just say that 'The sounds of the fire rose to a crescendo, silencing all other sounds.'
Ah, who knows ... I'm probably just babbling. I'mjusttrying to keep it simpler, and not repeating 'fire' in the sentence.)
- It wasn't until Terry shook his shoulder, frantically pointing at the thrashing dogs (IMO, I'd use a synonym for 'frantically.' YOu used Frantic in the sentence before.)
-His head lolling on the other man's chest, he glanced at the dogs and feebly patted the dock several times. (I'd place 'With' at the front of this sentence to make it more complete)
-In a hoarse and raspy voice(,) Jim assured her that his injuries were minor.
-"Nothing is ever that easy," Audrey said, "nothing." ("Nothing is easy," Audrey said. "Nothing.")
-Mesmerized(,) they stared at the unbelievable conflagration
Keep up the great work, my dear.YOu post and I'll read.
Take care and keep smiling.
hugs,
David
Comment Written 15-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2008
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Those are great ideas, David, and I've pasted them out and will get on them, especially that sentence about the noise. Several folks commented in the first part of the chapter about how Lenny could miss Jim's fall. The sounds of a fire, like a tornado, are so loud you can't hear yourself think.
I can't thank you enough for the time and effort expended. I appreciate it and your friendship more than you know,
Hugs,
Gayle