MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Waiting!"A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from bookishfabler
Man, I've been way behind.
Her lower lip started to quiver and soon, tears began to flow. ( no comma)
Crying, hugging, they merged into (-one) (-,) a tangle of arms(,) as joyous cries of relief and love rose in the air.
have lost cell service around six(,) so(,) I never got further orders.
His other friends are in that one."
She pointed across the hall and nodded.
( I think you need to bring this together since it's still one action with what she says)
Sorry this took so long
hugs
book
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2008
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Man, I've been way behind.
Her lower lip started to quiver and soon, tears began to flow. ( no comma)
Crying, hugging, they merged into (-one) (-,) a tangle of arms(,) as joyous cries of relief and love rose in the air.
have lost cell service around six(,) so(,) I never got further orders.
His other friends are in that one."
She pointed across the hall and nodded.
( I think you need to bring this together since it's still one action with what she says)
Sorry this took so long
hugs
book
Comment Written 29-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2008
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Hey Heidi,
I always value your comments and no matter whe, I still find wonderful nuggest to use.
Big hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
That was good. Everyone rescued but Jim still hanging there with the splinter, more suspense. I like your "dog talk". I love animals and you obviously do too. I have to catch up on the rest of your work now.
Happy writing
Sylvia
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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That was good. Everyone rescued but Jim still hanging there with the splinter, more suspense. I like your "dog talk". I love animals and you obviously do too. I have to catch up on the rest of your work now.
Happy writing
Sylvia
Comment Written 23-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Sylvia,
Glad you liked this one and happy to see you're catching up. Almost finished! I appreciate your comments and support throughout this one.
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
A lot happened in a short time in this chapter, your writing made it all so exciting and it flowed so fast, if I was reading this straight through I wouldn?t be able to put the book down at this stage, for anything. Now what have you done to poor Jim?
Of course Rudy would go and talk to the dogs first. Loved the way you have Amy telling a story, one of our dogs used to try and tell us things.
Suggestion:
No one has fed or watered the dogs.
Suggestions/typos/:
Follow me, please and we'll try to find out more informtion (information or does he talk like his?) for you."
Amy put an insistant (insistent) paw on Rudy's knee
It'd only been a few months since she'd left his daily minstrations, (ministrations)
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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A lot happened in a short time in this chapter, your writing made it all so exciting and it flowed so fast, if I was reading this straight through I wouldn?t be able to put the book down at this stage, for anything. Now what have you done to poor Jim?
Of course Rudy would go and talk to the dogs first. Loved the way you have Amy telling a story, one of our dogs used to try and tell us things.
Suggestion:
No one has fed or watered the dogs.
Suggestions/typos/:
Follow me, please and we'll try to find out more informtion (information or does he talk like his?) for you."
Amy put an insistant (insistent) paw on Rudy's knee
It'd only been a few months since she'd left his daily minstrations, (ministrations)
Love and blessings
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
LOL! Sissy said the same thing about Rudy going to the digs first. Well, of course!
I think the dogs probably got some of the sandwiches, but they drank out of the lake, for sure. See, we animal lovers never forget the important stuff. Let me get in there and fix those spelling errors. Thanks for spotting them...although, sheesh, I can't believe I missed them!
Love you!
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hi Gayle,
Good chapter! I was a little surprised though, that the girls could just up and leave like that. I felt like their feet were checked out, but the rest wasn't? Should they have been allowed to go? It seemed sort of quick, that's all, but I really don't know what the protocol is!
Overall, not much to pick on, just check these out:
The dogs jumped out first, edgy, upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do. While they all knew Terry and felt comfortable with her, she was not their leader. Tony, in particular, seemed on edge, pacing in circles and whining.
(The 'upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do' seems a bit like telling, Gayle. What do you think? Consider just showing how they were upset and edgy, like you did w/ Tony at the end of this part.)
The girls went next and finally Terry. The man holding the rope extended his hand to her in assistance. (need 'in assistance'?)
He led her back to his car and nodded at the girls resting on the back of the ambulance ledge (aren't they in chairs?).
Audrey burst into tears as her parents' car pulled into the clearing just moments later. She hurried over (need?--> to them), crying and sobbing,
Rudy Banks sprinted across the ground, arms outstretched. He covered the distance between them in moments, and reached out for the dogs. (hahahaa! I loved this!)
Ever the stoic, Cricket sat quietly, completely relaxed with Rudy. It'd only been a few months since she'd left his daily minstrations, and she felt completely at ease. ('felt' or 'seemed', Gayle? Wasn't sure if this was from the dog's POV or Terry's?)
Snapping his fingers several times(,) he got the dogs attention.
. Twenty minutes later, they pulled into the emergency entrance of UCSD Medical Center and parked in the short term area. They hurried through the doors and down the long corridor to the check-in area. (short term area/check-in area - watch double 'area')
Hope this helps! Take care,
Sis
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle,
Good chapter! I was a little surprised though, that the girls could just up and leave like that. I felt like their feet were checked out, but the rest wasn't? Should they have been allowed to go? It seemed sort of quick, that's all, but I really don't know what the protocol is!
Overall, not much to pick on, just check these out:
The dogs jumped out first, edgy, upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do. While they all knew Terry and felt comfortable with her, she was not their leader. Tony, in particular, seemed on edge, pacing in circles and whining.
(The 'upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do' seems a bit like telling, Gayle. What do you think? Consider just showing how they were upset and edgy, like you did w/ Tony at the end of this part.)
The girls went next and finally Terry. The man holding the rope extended his hand to her in assistance. (need 'in assistance'?)
He led her back to his car and nodded at the girls resting on the back of the ambulance ledge (aren't they in chairs?).
Audrey burst into tears as her parents' car pulled into the clearing just moments later. She hurried over (need?--> to them), crying and sobbing,
Rudy Banks sprinted across the ground, arms outstretched. He covered the distance between them in moments, and reached out for the dogs. (hahahaa! I loved this!)
Ever the stoic, Cricket sat quietly, completely relaxed with Rudy. It'd only been a few months since she'd left his daily minstrations, and she felt completely at ease. ('felt' or 'seemed', Gayle? Wasn't sure if this was from the dog's POV or Terry's?)
Snapping his fingers several times(,) he got the dogs attention.
. Twenty minutes later, they pulled into the emergency entrance of UCSD Medical Center and parked in the short term area. They hurried through the doors and down the long corridor to the check-in area. (short term area/check-in area - watch double 'area')
Hope this helps! Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hey Sis,
Yes, your review sure does help! I think the ambulance people are there to give immediate first aid and stuff, but those girls needed to get to the hospital.
I'll get in there and fix. I did kind of get in Tony's pov for a moment...seemed is better
I just knew you would get a charge out of how Rudy ran to the dogs first. I chuckled with that one myself. Will go in and fix.
Only one more chapter and them I'm going back to Riding Blind.
Thanks again, I'll fix the nits and stuff,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
loved that chapter . you hinted on the ending. i am still waiting... I like the coffee part al t. i serve coffee and coke a lot and people will smile. I do that because i remember people do that for me when i was younger. thats another example of your real characters. (do they have a real residence?) haha.
Stephy.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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loved that chapter . you hinted on the ending. i am still waiting... I like the coffee part al t. i serve coffee and coke a lot and people will smile. I do that because i remember people do that for me when i was younger. thats another example of your real characters. (do they have a real residence?) haha.
Stephy.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hi Stephy,
I always love your reviews. Them make me feel like I filled the bill for the reader, which is what I aim to do. Thanks so much for the support and kind comments.
Only one more chapter to go and then, on to the horse book!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Gayle, excellent chapter. Your attention to details is incredible. Everything seems to move swiftly. I love the reunion
for the girls (thought I would cry myself) lol, you are great at what you do.
I had a question:
Follow me(,) please
Was this supposed to be after please?
Cassandra
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Gayle, excellent chapter. Your attention to details is incredible. Everything seems to move swiftly. I love the reunion
for the girls (thought I would cry myself) lol, you are great at what you do.
I had a question:
Follow me(,) please
Was this supposed to be after please?
Cassandra
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Cass,
Thanks so much for the wonderful review. Yes, there's supposed to be a comma there. I'll round up the little dude and get him back where he belongs!
Been such fun, huh? We'll have to do it again, soon!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Youu keep moving along, don't you girlfriend? Well done, as usual. The scene sounded very realistic, layered with relief when they were rescued, and the dialogue was right on the money.
A couple tiunsy nits for your consideration, please:
-The dogs jumped out first, edgy, upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do. (WOw, you're good when you can read a dog's mind. Sorry,I'm being a monster here, but you have a POV change here, and into the mind of an animal at that. Be careful, sweetie.)
-wandering through the woods barefoot. Satisfied that the iodine and salve would be sufficient for the moment, she pulled thin, sterile footsies over their feet, followed by heavier, cushioned slippers.
The man secured ... (an extra space between the two paragraphs here.)
-He handed round the cups, nodding at their expressions of appreciation. (is the word 'round' in a sentence like this an American thing? I'd of thought 'out' would be more appropriate, but it's your call. YOu probably know something I don't.)
-Beth wrapped both hands around her cup, sniffed and took a sip.
"Oh God, that smells so good. It's been so long. Just like my mom's."
Her lower lip started to quiver and soon, tears began to flow. She turned to the medic, expression hopeful.
"My name is Beth Chapman. Are my parents coming to get me soon? I really want to go home because I need my mother."
(The above 4 sentences should be all in the same paragraph, as you're referring to the same character. The only time when you're supposed to change paragraphs (unless it's getting too long, of course) is with a character change. Another dialogue, whatever ... you already know that.)
-Tony and Amy managed to drag him off the dock into the lake, but then he almost drowned. (quotation mark missing at the end of this sentence)
Keep up the terrific work. Haven't heard from you in a bit. Are you still reviewing?
Take care and have a terrific weekend. Give your hubby an extra squeeze, Gayle. ;)
Always,
David
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Youu keep moving along, don't you girlfriend? Well done, as usual. The scene sounded very realistic, layered with relief when they were rescued, and the dialogue was right on the money.
A couple tiunsy nits for your consideration, please:
-The dogs jumped out first, edgy, upset at being abandoned and unsure what to do. (WOw, you're good when you can read a dog's mind. Sorry,I'm being a monster here, but you have a POV change here, and into the mind of an animal at that. Be careful, sweetie.)
-wandering through the woods barefoot. Satisfied that the iodine and salve would be sufficient for the moment, she pulled thin, sterile footsies over their feet, followed by heavier, cushioned slippers.
The man secured ... (an extra space between the two paragraphs here.)
-He handed round the cups, nodding at their expressions of appreciation. (is the word 'round' in a sentence like this an American thing? I'd of thought 'out' would be more appropriate, but it's your call. YOu probably know something I don't.)
-Beth wrapped both hands around her cup, sniffed and took a sip.
"Oh God, that smells so good. It's been so long. Just like my mom's."
Her lower lip started to quiver and soon, tears began to flow. She turned to the medic, expression hopeful.
"My name is Beth Chapman. Are my parents coming to get me soon? I really want to go home because I need my mother."
(The above 4 sentences should be all in the same paragraph, as you're referring to the same character. The only time when you're supposed to change paragraphs (unless it's getting too long, of course) is with a character change. Another dialogue, whatever ... you already know that.)
-Tony and Amy managed to drag him off the dock into the lake, but then he almost drowned. (quotation mark missing at the end of this sentence)
Keep up the terrific work. Haven't heard from you in a bit. Are you still reviewing?
Take care and have a terrific weekend. Give your hubby an extra squeeze, Gayle. ;)
Always,
David
Comment Written 21-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Hello David!
Yes, I've been swamped here so I've been a bit off my reviewing. Let me get in there and smash that Evil Eddie. He often throws in extra lines...or takes them out, just to make me mad.
The dogs. Did I do a pov shift there? I just know animals so well, their body language, maybe that's the problem. I'll check it out, too.
In fact, I think I'll go over this ilttle puppy once more, see what else I missed.
Thanks so much David, for the eagle eye and your fine comments.
Hope you and the wifie have a great weekend. Jeff's birthday tomorrow so we're going out for dinner tonight.
Take care, big thanks again
Hugs,
Gayle
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How young is Jeff now? Wish him a Happy one for me. Enjoy your night out. Heck, enjoy your weekend as well. Wait a sec ... I already said that i the review, didn't I? Oh, well .... you're special enough in my books!
Hugs,
David
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Hi, Gayle. I'm way behind again but will catch up as soon as I get home. Aubrey and I have been cruising Great trip. Weather couldn't have been better. I have great pictures. If you PM me your regular email address, I'll send you some of our sunrise/sunset pictures from off the boat. Amazing even if I did take them. Only one small piece of spag for you below. Great write.
information is misspelled in paragraph 7 (ship's computer won't let me copy)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Hi, Gayle. I'm way behind again but will catch up as soon as I get home. Aubrey and I have been cruising Great trip. Weather couldn't have been better. I have great pictures. If you PM me your regular email address, I'll send you some of our sunrise/sunset pictures from off the boat. Amazing even if I did take them. Only one small piece of spag for you below. Great write.
information is misspelled in paragraph 7 (ship's computer won't let me copy)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Oh Jan, how wonderful. Are you just having a ball? So glad the weather is cooperating. That can make or break a cruise.
I'll get that spaggie and there's a pm in your mailbox. Can't wait to see the pix.
Hugs and love,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Man, just when we thought everyone was safe. I sure hope Jim is okay. That does not sound like a fun injury. I loved how you showed the girls needing their mothers. We never get too old for that. Great writing, Gayle. I'm totally involved in this story.
Follow me, please and we'll try to find out more [inforamtion==>information] for you."
Audrey burst into tears as her [parent's==>parents'] car pulled into the clearing just moments later.
Renie
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Man, just when we thought everyone was safe. I sure hope Jim is okay. That does not sound like a fun injury. I loved how you showed the girls needing their mothers. We never get too old for that. Great writing, Gayle. I'm totally involved in this story.
Follow me, please and we'll try to find out more [inforamtion==>information] for you."
Audrey burst into tears as her [parent's==>parents'] car pulled into the clearing just moments later.
Renie
Comment Written 20-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2008
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Hey Renie,
Thanks for the eagle eye! I gott'em!
Oh yes, girls and their mothers. You never outgrow that. I'm in closing mode now, only one more chapter and then, finis!
I think I'll get back to the kids book next. The one with the blind gal and Becky and Billy?
Anyhoo, you'll love it, too. Talk soon and thanks so much for the supportive comments and lovely stars.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
That sliver of wood must have been bigger than you made it sound like in your story. But I'm sure glad they were safe from the fire and the girls are back with their parents.
Good luck, and looking foreword to the next installment.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008
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That sliver of wood must have been bigger than you made it sound like in your story. But I'm sure glad they were safe from the fire and the girls are back with their parents.
Good luck, and looking foreword to the next installment.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 20-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2008
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Hello Jane,
Hope you're getting ready for a fun weekend. LOVE Fridays! And I so appreciate your good words of encouragement along the way. We're just about finished with this one, then it's on to one of my horse and teen books.Hope you like them, too!
Hugs,
Gayle