Murder or Coincidence
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Murder or Coincidence? Part 2"Was it Murder
25 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This part of your story is well-written and without SPAG's. You had me captivated from beginning to end and I want to keep reading.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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This part of your story is well-written and without SPAG's. You had me captivated from beginning to end and I want to keep reading.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2009
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Eliz Thank you so much for enjoying the story. I am thrilled that it is holding your attention. I wonder what the ending will do for you? Thanks again Carol
Comment from Summer Falls
I must say, this was painful to read. The violence played in my head, making me wince. My heart skipped a beat when Lee punched Rebecca. Oh wow. You did an excellent job making the reader FEEL WHAT YOU WRITE. This was good. The visuals were well displayed in your writing. The dialogue was so believable.
The only suggestion is to give a bit more warning when you switch POV. An extra space or asterisks will do.
I can't wait to read the third part. I am not sure if I wish the outcome to be Rebecca leaving him, them making up, or him getting hit by a bus.
Summer
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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I must say, this was painful to read. The violence played in my head, making me wince. My heart skipped a beat when Lee punched Rebecca. Oh wow. You did an excellent job making the reader FEEL WHAT YOU WRITE. This was good. The visuals were well displayed in your writing. The dialogue was so believable.
The only suggestion is to give a bit more warning when you switch POV. An extra space or asterisks will do.
I can't wait to read the third part. I am not sure if I wish the outcome to be Rebecca leaving him, them making up, or him getting hit by a bus.
Summer
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Summer
There could be no greater compliment that for a reader to say they Feel What I write....I write with emotion and hope that it comes through in my words. I appreciate your wonderful comments. I hope you enjoy the ending. Carol
Comment from Suzie B
Carol!!! I'm so anxious to get to part three, I don't wanna spend time typing this review...sheesh!
Woman..this is superb stuff, emotional tsunami...and then some. Your ability to take the reader into the hearts and minds of your characters is marvellous and if I may say so improving more with everything you post. This is one of the best reads I have had since I have been on the site.
I hope a virtual six will do for now my friend...hell it deserves a 10 so here my friend 10 of em**********.
Bravo.
Hugs and smiles for miles
Suzie
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Carol!!! I'm so anxious to get to part three, I don't wanna spend time typing this review...sheesh!
Woman..this is superb stuff, emotional tsunami...and then some. Your ability to take the reader into the hearts and minds of your characters is marvellous and if I may say so improving more with everything you post. This is one of the best reads I have had since I have been on the site.
I hope a virtual six will do for now my friend...hell it deserves a 10 so here my friend 10 of em**********.
Bravo.
Hugs and smiles for miles
Suzie
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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Suzie
After just finishing reading your story, I am blown away by your comments. This is a piece of a story my son and I have been writing together...It's about the four friends and their journey through young adulthood. We have the first draft done..based on true events but altered for more intrigue. I was thinking of putting it under lock and key and getting help to smooth it out. Thanks for reading and for the wonderful comments. Carol
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
WOW, Carol, you sure know how to weave a tense plot. This is terrific writing.
My only comment, and it's not even a big deal, is that Lee's remorse after reading the letter came too easy for me. I would like to have been more involved in his discovery, felt some of his emotions, perhaps taken a little longer.
But this was a great read. Thanks :)
John
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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WOW, Carol, you sure know how to weave a tense plot. This is terrific writing.
My only comment, and it's not even a big deal, is that Lee's remorse after reading the letter came too easy for me. I would like to have been more involved in his discovery, felt some of his emotions, perhaps taken a little longer.
But this was a great read. Thanks :)
John
Comment Written 17-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2009
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John I agree too. But I didn't want to make a book with these three chapters...just testing the waters so to speak. Thanks for your thoughts. Carol
Comment from shygirl21
Who'd she think she was, attacking him with a frying pan? - this really made me giggle lol
whoa! A whole lot of action in this part! Great action in the fight scene, I could see every blow!
I loved Sandi'a letter, it was really moving. Hmm...wonder what kind of reception will greet him at home..
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Who'd she think she was, attacking him with a frying pan? - this really made me giggle lol
whoa! A whole lot of action in this part! Great action in the fight scene, I could see every blow!
I loved Sandi'a letter, it was really moving. Hmm...wonder what kind of reception will greet him at home..
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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I am glad you liked the letter. I was waiting to see what people thought and if the emotions cared through. Carol
Comment from Amicus
Still reading with interest and appreciation, Carol...The fight scene was chilling but very well done. Lee's magic change strains credibility a bit but otherwise, this rings true and gets more compelling as the plot moves forward.
Only one nit jumped out at me but I wasn't really paying attention to SPAG issues for your prose was working for me...stop[ing] and starting after continuous in line 2.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Still reading with interest and appreciation, Carol...The fight scene was chilling but very well done. Lee's magic change strains credibility a bit but otherwise, this rings true and gets more compelling as the plot moves forward.
Only one nit jumped out at me but I wasn't really paying attention to SPAG issues for your prose was working for me...stop[ing] and starting after continuous in line 2.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Amicus Thanks for pointing that nit out. I thought I corrected it, but I must have forgot to save it or something. I shall try again. Carol
Comment from zlp22
Great story, it keeps on getting more interesting, I hope the man realizes that his drinking is causing all his problems.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Great story, it keeps on getting more interesting, I hope the man realizes that his drinking is causing all his problems.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Zip Thanks for the review and for continuing to read. I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from FredCollingwood
This is interesting from beginning to end, and very well written. One minor nit:
In case you forgot, you're suppose to live here with me, asshole." > supposed
Turning on the radio to block any further of her rantings, he stepped into the shower > I've done this--hahah.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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This is interesting from beginning to end, and very well written. One minor nit:
In case you forgot, you're suppose to live here with me, asshole." > supposed
Turning on the radio to block any further of her rantings, he stepped into the shower > I've done this--hahah.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Fred Thanks for the review. Hope you will continue reading the final part 3 and let me know what you thought.
I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from RebelRose
Wow, this is very good. I had read part one already and liked it. I like this part even more. I will search for part 3 as I am anxious to see how it plays out. Thank you for sharing.
RebelRose
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Wow, this is very good. I had read part one already and liked it. I like this part even more. I will search for part 3 as I am anxious to see how it plays out. Thank you for sharing.
RebelRose
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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RebelRose I am so glad that you are enjoying the story. I look forward to seeing what you thought of the ending. Thanks again Carol
Comment from RapturedHeart
The continuous stop(ping) and starting of the bus
(Being a betting man,) he wagered that Rebecca was sitting - I'd leave out the first part of the sentence since we already know that.
If looks could kill, he knew he'd be dead right now. - I'm learning to avoid using cliches. This one really sticks out. I'd try some other way to say it.
you're suppose(d) to live here
Her manicured nails dug into his naked skin. He screamed in pain, just before - This actually gave me a chuckle, Begin Again. Here he'd just been lambasted with a cast iron frying pan without a whimper, and her manicured nails make him cry out in pain!
I'm thinking you should put violence and language warnings on.
Sliding his finger under the flap, he opened the envelope. - this is the fifth mention of 'envelope' in just two paragraphs. Maybe 'he opened it' instead.
Wow--what a touching twist with that letter!!
his thoughts filled with Rebecca. - turned to Rebecca, maybe?
Thoughts of Rebecca lying on the floor flash(ed) through his head.
Okay!! You're certainly keeping me captive with the clever twists and turns here. If there is anything I could nitpick about, it would be that he just seems to 'get it' all so quickly and neatly. I'm thinking it probably wouldn't be so fast.
Anyway, can't wait to see how it ends! Take care,
Heather
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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The continuous stop(ping) and starting of the bus
(Being a betting man,) he wagered that Rebecca was sitting - I'd leave out the first part of the sentence since we already know that.
If looks could kill, he knew he'd be dead right now. - I'm learning to avoid using cliches. This one really sticks out. I'd try some other way to say it.
you're suppose(d) to live here
Her manicured nails dug into his naked skin. He screamed in pain, just before - This actually gave me a chuckle, Begin Again. Here he'd just been lambasted with a cast iron frying pan without a whimper, and her manicured nails make him cry out in pain!
I'm thinking you should put violence and language warnings on.
Sliding his finger under the flap, he opened the envelope. - this is the fifth mention of 'envelope' in just two paragraphs. Maybe 'he opened it' instead.
Wow--what a touching twist with that letter!!
his thoughts filled with Rebecca. - turned to Rebecca, maybe?
Thoughts of Rebecca lying on the floor flash(ed) through his head.
Okay!! You're certainly keeping me captive with the clever twists and turns here. If there is anything I could nitpick about, it would be that he just seems to 'get it' all so quickly and neatly. I'm thinking it probably wouldn't be so fast.
Anyway, can't wait to see how it ends! Take care,
Heather
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Heather Thanks for the review. He still hasn't gotten it totally. It's an old friend of my sons. They grew up together as kids. Thanks again CArol