damommy

damommy:
A young man was telling his friend that he'd lost his job as a bank teller. The friend asked what happened and the young man said, "I don't know. A little old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I shoved her over."

FanStory wrote to damommy: She Won! finished second in the contest "The Sequel "

damommy:

Groceries are so expensive, Thanksgiving is about to be Taco Thursday.

damommy:

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock Look Grandpa, no hands.

damommy:

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?

A large fortune.

FanStory wrote to damommy: Lost in Time finished first in the contest "Object of Desire"

damommy:
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster . . ."

damommy:

If a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to see it, a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

damommy:

The man said, "Today, my son asked, 'Can I have a bookmark?' I burst into tears--11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian."

damommy:

BELOW ARE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular and Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is.
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

damommy:

The three symptoms of laziness:
#1

damommy:

Every stairway is a stairway to Heaven if you're clumsy enough.

damommy:

Never make snow angels in a dog park.

damommy:

The human tongue weighs very little, but few people can hold it.

damommy:

Irony.

The opposite of wrinkly.

damommy:

Can I see someone grab a bull by the horns, please?

damommy:

The great thing about telepathy is . . .

I know! Right?

damommy:

The only thing bad about my six figure income is the decimal point.

damommy:

Killing them with kindness is taking longer than I expected.

damommy:

I tried to play Frisbee with my dog. Waste of time. I need a flatter dog.

damommy:
I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box!

damommy:

Let?s say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it?
>
> Wait for it . . .
>
>
>

You wouldn?t because you can?t find a one-fingered hippo

damommy:

According to the BMI chart at the doctor's office, I'm too short.

damommy:

The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.

damommy:

If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

damommy:

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

damommy:

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

damommy:

The inventor of autocorrect died. The funnel will be held tomato.

damommy:

I grilled a chicken at lunchtime. Still no answer on why he crossed the road.

damommy:

My friend told me I'm immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

damommy:

A policeman came to the door and said my dog had been accused of chasing people on a bike. I told him that can't be true. My dog's never owned a bike.

damommy:

I decided to take up fencing.

My neighbor insists I put it back.

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! The Return of the Turtle is the new Story of the Month!

damommy:

At my age, the only pole dancing I do is while holding on to the safety bar in the bathtub.

damommy:

I entered a dialogue only contest with what turned out to be a monologue. So, I have asked Tom to remove it from the contest.

damommy:

What do you call a magician who lost his magic?

Ian.

damommy:

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

damommy:

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which comes first.

damommy:

IF you ate an entire cake without cutting it, technically you only had one piece.

damommy:
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most do.
- Dale Carnegie

damommy:
Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

I said, "No, it doesn't."

damommy:

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, a boy could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.

damommy:

George Washington died in 1799. The first dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never knew there were dinosaurs.

damommy:

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He told me they all look that way and I should have left it in the garden.

FanStory wrote to damommy: A Hairy Case finished third in the contest "Couples Courthouse Script"

damommy:

Good news! No matter how much chocolate we eat, our earrings will still fit.

damommy: MANY THANKS to everyone who prayed for us here in Arkansas, and especially those who texted and even telephoned! The tornado went right down the street three doors down from my house and then around the back. It's a miracle it didn't hit our block at all. Once again, proves the power of prayer.

Please forgive me for not reviewing just now. I will make it up to you.

damommy:

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any container.

damommy:
Calories - Tiny creatures that live in your closet an sew your clothes tighter each night.

FanStory wrote to damommy: The New World Lottery finished first in the contest "The Lottery"

damommy:

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
by Jerrold H. Zar or Margo Roark

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it to say
weather eye am wrong oar write;
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long,
and eye can put the error rite;
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye ran this poem wright threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
such soft wear four pea seas,
and why eye mussed brake in two verse
buy which eye hope too pleas.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Beecuz uv yoosing chequers
hour spelling mite decline,
and if we're lacks oar have a laps,
we wood bee maid too wine.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

FanStory wrote to damommy: He Took a Wrong Path Home finished second in the contest "Glosa"

damommy: What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I'm Doing Well finished second in the contest "Paradelle"

damommy: I've expanded my skills.

I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I Knew It! finished first in the contest "Flat!"

damommy: Today is Ideasaregems Dawn's birthday.

Happy birthday, dear lady.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I Knew It! was posted today. It is a Milestone Post. Post number 1000!

damommy:

My New Year's resolution is to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

damommy:
This New Year's, I'm going to make a resolution I can keep:
No dieting all year long.

damommy:
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately.

damommy:

I pretended to be asleep and fell asleep. Now I'm going to pretend to be skinny.

damommy:
Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

damommy:

As a beauty, I'm not a great star.
there are others more handsome by far.
My face I don't mind it
because I'm behind it.
It's the people in front get the jar.

damommy: Good news! I just got an email back from Ben Colder. He is working hard on his writing and will be posting again in January.

damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

damommy:

I'm not a complete idiot . . . some parts are missing.

damommy:

I want to thank everyone for their lovely birthday wishes and messages. It has meant a lot to me, more than I can say. It certainly has made the day even better. Thank you, my friends.

damommy:

If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

damommy:

Why do I have to press one for English when I'm just going to be transferred to someone I can''t understand anyway?

damommy:
The NSA Walks into a bar.

?Hey, I?ve got a great new joke for you!? the barman says.

The NSA smiles. ?Heard it.?

damommy: My son Stewart is having back surgery next Thursday. I would appreciate your prayers for him. Thank you.

damommy:

Before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.

damommy:

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

damommy:
I stole a wig because I didn't want toupee for it.

damommy:

I know it's time to clean out my purse
when my car assumes it's an extra passenger
who isn't wearing a seatbelt.

damommy:

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed. We're having a staff meeting.

damommy:

I weighed myself on one of those scales that prints out little messages. When I stepped on, it asked if one of us would step off.

damommy:

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My First Poem finished second in the contest "Show us MORE of Your Early Poetry"

damommy:

WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

damommy:
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster . . . "

damommy:

I've been off FS for nearly a week because my computer's been in the Geek Squad shop, getting cleaned up. I got hacked, and he said he'd taken all the money out of my bank account. He couldn't do that, but it scared me half to death.

I'm behind on reviewing and replying. I will try to catch up.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Beauty Treatment finished third in the contest "~ Here Kitty, Kitty ~"

damommy:

I never make the same mistake twice.
I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

damommy:

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers . . .
if you do find one, what's your plan?

damommy: When I was a child, there were two ways to die:

Natural causes, and talking back to your parents.

damommy: Look in the Poetry Forum. Kiwisteve has started a thread to post your favorite poem. It will be fun to see what everyone's favorite is. Give it a go.

damommy:

I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth.

damommy: Ugly the Cat
Author Unknown

Everyone in the apartment complex where I lived knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love.

The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!?

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave.

Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly, I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear - Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.

He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

FanStory wrote to damommy: The Merry, Merry Month of May finished second in the contest "May Day"

damommy:

I see the Free Form Poetry Contest instructs to write a free verse, and goes on to say there is no structure, meter, or rhyme. That is NOT free verse. Free verse requires to have some poetic devices, such as alliteration, internal rhyme, and so on. Look at the page that Michael Cahill wrote on the Fabulous Free Verse Club front page. Not just words on a page.

damommy:

Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.

damommy:

Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?

A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

damommy: Today is Ideasaregem's (Dawn) birthday. Let's all PM her with good wishes.

damommy:

To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word ?boo?.

damommy:

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care."? St. Peter replies, "You may enter, but you'?re only approved for a three-day stay."

damommy:

I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier today, and realized my figure has everything it had forty years ago. It's just three inches lower now.

damommy:

For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That's when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns and that they were snorting the cremains of the victim's husband and two dogs.

damommy:

Don't laugh when you see my new profile photo. My granddaughter wanted me to post it.

It's my high school graduation picture. Yes, we had cameras way back then!

damommy:

Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?

The same as short ones.

damommy:

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.

FanStory wrote to damommy: I'll Pass finished third in the contest "~Resolutions for 2022 ~"

damommy:

Where do mathematicians go on New Year's Eve?

Times Square

damommy:

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

damommy:

How do you make an egg roll?

.
.
.

You give it a little push.

damommy: St. Nicholas of Myra, Turkey, between the years 270 and 343, was the man who became the legend of Santa Claus. He gave gifts and necessary things to those less fortunate. When the Dutch colonized the New World, they brought their Sinterclaus with them. And that's how it all started.

damommy:

What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

damommy:
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

damommy:

I childproofed my house. Somehow, they still got in!

damommy:
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

damommy:
When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, "Four. I don't think I can eat eight."

damommy:
You know, some people pick their nose, but I was just born with mine.

damommy:
I shot a turkey for Thanksgiving. Scared the dickens out of the other shoppers.

damommy:

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

"Ned," John called down, "I have good news and bad. The good news is, there's baseball in heaven!"

"Great," said Ned. "What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Sunday."

damommy:

How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.

damommy:
Let's say you have to lift a hippo with one finger. How would you do it?

You wouldn't because you can't find a one-fingered hippo.

damommy: /

There once was a man from Nantucket
who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket,
Nantucket.

damommy:

Sorry I?m late. I didn't know who showed up to the four-way stop first, so we all just sat there.

damommy:

Stalking: When two people take long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

damommy: My profile photo changed back. Hmmmm.

damommy:

Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the nicest. It feeds the hand that bites it.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Garden finished first in the contest "It's NOT an Acrostic Poem"

damommy:

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

FanStory wrote to damommy: Congratulations! After the Storm is the new Poem of the Month!

damommy:

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

damommy:

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ?George Carlin

damommy:

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

damommy:

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid," says comedy writer Gene Perret. "A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house."

damommy:

Every year, I send in my tax return, and the IRS sends me a sympathy card.

damommy:

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, "Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster?"

damommy:

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, "Well, they're the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store."

damommy:

If you haven't bought kiwisteve's book, "Forty-Four Fabulous Funnies (and fourteen more for free)," you certainly need to. It's funny, entertaining, and just what one needs to lift their spirits.

damommy:

How do you mend a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

damommy:

Happy Friday! Here's to all of us who made it through another week of faking adulthood.

damommy:

I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it's a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

damommy:

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

damommy:

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried -- I think she's jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

damommy:

How fast does a zebra need to run before it looks grey?

damommy:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

damommy:

Autocorrect walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you?"

Autocorrect says, "I'll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar. Never mind."

damommy: Thank you all who sent me birthday wishes. My heart is so full, and I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends here on FanStory. You've all made it a very special day for me.

damommy:

Nowadays, weekends are just me watching Netflix and asking my cat, "Hey, did you see that?"

damommy:

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

damommy:

The serving size for pizza is "until you hate yourself."

damommy:

Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?

damommy:

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

damommy:
I posted a poem earlier today and failed to give the name and instructions.

It was called A Quckstep Duo, created by Nancy E. Davis and named by Jim Bartlet.

Instructions are:
Two five-line stanzas with syllable count of 10, 10, 8, 8, 10,
and rhyme scheme of a,a,b,b,a.

damommy:

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

damommy:

In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

FanStory wrote to damommy: My Time in WWII finished second in the contest "War Story"

damommy:

What happened after David had his ID stolen?

We had to call him Dav.

damommy:
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It's a Small World ride. He said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."

-- Conan O'Brien

damommy:

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That's why in the Navy, the Captain goes down with the ship. - Dick Gregory

damommy:

Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was playing fetch with a boomerang.

damommy:

True story. I've forgotten where it took place. A woman notice her hamster hadn't moved from the corner of his cage for three days. She took him to the vet, and it turned out that somehow he had swallowed a refrigerator magnet, and he was stuck to the bars of his cage!

Come on, now! As much as I love animals, this is funny! The magnet was removed and hamster is doing fine.

damommy:

This "formula" can be read like a limerick:

12+144+20+3√4+(5x11)=92+0
7

A dozen, a gross plus a score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by 7
plus five time eleven
equals nine squared plus not a bit more.

damommy:

Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot superglued to your shoulder.

damommy:

During time of shortages, I might run out of toilet paper, but if anyone needs 40 plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags, I will be the queen of this crisis.

damommy:

I wouldn't say my cooking is totally terrible, but natives keep showing up, asking if they can dip their arrow tips in my soup.

damommy:

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started," says the man.

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse."

"You keep pulling on that rope, and it'll come back to you."

damommy:

A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch.

"That is true," he responded, "but it does depend at what speed you are carrying the torch."

damommy:

A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, "So, how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?"

"Well, Doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my stepdaughter.

"When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her, and they eventually married. So, my stepdaughter became my stepmother. Then, my wife gave birth to our son who, of course, was my father's brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my stepdaughter was my stepmother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my stepmother, is my grandmother, and I am her grandson. But that's not everything. I'm married to my step-grandmother. I'm not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that's enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn't you agree?"

damommy:
Historians of the future will have a hard time figuring out how many organized groups of strident jackasses succeeded in leading us around by the nose and morally intimidating the majority into silence. -- Thomas Sowell

damommy:

A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.

damommy:

If you're tired of waiting at a restaurant, just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.

damommy:

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: "You need to eat that chocolate."

The other voice goes: "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

damommy:

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, "What do you want?"

The dog points to steak in a glass case. "How many pounds?" The dog barks twice.

"Anything else?"

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog's mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog's neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, "What a remarkable dog?"

"Remarkable?" snorts the owner. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."

damommy:

Do regular dogs see a police dog and think, "Oh, no, it's a cop!"

damommy:

My fashion philosophy is if you're not covered in pet hair, your life is empty.

damommy:

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes

damommy:
I said: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
The mirror said: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.