I reached the end of my unemployment and after many interviews, my rejection letters could wallpaper my bedroom. I moved in with my family but that didn’t work out and I ended up homeless. Out of choices, I found myself sitting at a little cafe in an off-grid tiny town.  All I had with me were ten dollars, one change of clothes, and a full bottle of antidepressant medicine. I swallowed all my pills and sailed into darkness. 

cold darkness descends
over hazy bare boughs —
blood-red soil hills
 

Intermittent memories of paramedics and vomit taste, “what did you take?” I let go and returned to darkness.  Somehow I woke up in a hospital room thinking I was in hell and realizing I didn’t want to die. I grabbed my nurse’s arm and asked her, “Am I going to die?” she said, “No, you are going to be alright.”  An interfaith priest visited briefly and I asked him if I was going to hell. He said no and not to worry. I closed my eyes serene and exhausted. 

Grass Valley’s sunrise
of violet, amber, and pink —
blue iris of hope
 

Discharged from the hospital, I traveled miles away from my kids. I lay on the gurney defeated and terrified not knowing where I was going. The paramedic was a comedian but I’m sure he meant well. When we arrived he held my hand and soberly told me, “things will get better”.

over barren hills
with destination unknown —
utterly alone