Are you struggling with any of the most common writer’s ailments?

Does your writing suffer with any of these afflictions - CRAP? POOP? BALLS? Or SWILL?

(creative relapses allowing paralysis; producing overtly originality – challenging pap;

barely accessible loops of ludicrous  stories; stories with inept logic and languidness)

If so, then this is the post for you! Read on my friends and find out the remedy to these common ailments most writers suffer with at some point in their careers.

Now, folks, there’s no need to be embarrassed. At some point each and every one of us has written some darned awful stuff! And I do mean EVERYONE.

There’s no shame in it! Sometimes the creative juices just stop flowing. But I’m here to tell you that there are a multitude of ways you can clear up these conditions.

Yes, that’s right. Contained within these hallowed pages is a sure-fire remedy to CRAP, POOP, BALLS & SWILL.

So, if you’re ready to get the ball (pun intended) rolling. Pour yourself a glass a water, sit back and enjoy!

1 - The Gremlin – if your imagination is unimaginative and your inspiration turns uninspired and you need to unclog those pipes, opt for this option: Throw in a gremlin. I favour the gremlin over the goblin approach as Gremlins have a tendency to screw things up and that’s always fun! Gremlins break things down, tinker with things and produce unexpected outcomes.

So, if your story has stalled, lob one in and see what happens. It’s like a character hand-grenade! Prepare for pandemonium. Imagine the fun if you chucked one into Romeo & Juliet or Citizen Kane.! Joyous chaos.

The gremlin opens the mind to wondrous possibilities. It can be real or figurative. Just remember to do it with a draft version because if you do it on your original work, it’s a bugger in the editing!

Leave the little devil to play havoc for a day or two and then go back and read the draft. You may be surprised what you learn about your characters! And yourself.

2 - Picture This – we all take inspiration for things around us. Grab a photo or picture (nothing too saucy, or really saucy if that’s your bag!) and wonder what’s going on. Get a bright light, shine it on the photo, and interrogate it to within an inch of its life. Get it to reveal everything you can. Hopefully, you aren’t too much of a deviant, but if you are make sure to erase all trace of the writing afterwards! We wouldn’t want to scare the grandchildren.

Work out character motivations, scenery details and descriptiveness. Even indulge in the old purple prose if you swing that way!

3 - Time Travel – I kid you not. This is real bona fide technique. How? You may well ask. We use a time travel device known as THE LIBRARY. For those of you not familiar with the concept, it’s a big building which contains lots of books and you are allowed to borrow them and them take them back for other people to use. MIND-BLOWING CONCEPT! You’ll also need a library card and some dice.

Use the non-fiction section of the library. The books in this section are usually allocated three numbers (Dewey Decimal System) ranging from 000 to 999. Roll your dice 3 times (or one and a half if you have 2). Do this three times and get your prize!

Grab the first one that sparks your interest and repeat three times. Take the books home and skim through them, concentrating on anything which sparks your interest. If anyone looks at you weirdly, explain you’re playing a Harry Potter role-laying game and all will be forgiven (unlike when I was young and I got the excrement beat out of me for that kind of them – not that I’m bitter at all).

This can exercise the brain and bring inspiration – or boredom.

4 - Identity Theft – this is my personal favourite. If you can’t (yawn) ‘write what you know’ then steal, but never plagiarise! I have a cupboard full of other people’s banks slips, cheque books, driving licences and passports, but I keep them in someone else’s house in case I’m ever raided by the police…

Identity theft or (sigh) literary observation is a great technique. Watch and observe other people, or people you know, but it’s a fine line to stalking so make sure you don’t get caught!

Build a life around them based on your observations, but please, don’t literally take their lives otherwise you’ll have more time for contemplation and writing than you thought when you’re banged up for forty or fifty years.

5 – Stop reading this waffle and go and write something!

So, in conclusion, if you’re struggling with any of the aforementioned afflictions, go and write something and quit whining!

Please send me a cheque for this advice… damn, should have asked for the money up front. I didn’t structure this very well… oh well. If any of this worked, I wouldn’t have to go begging for money from other wannabe writers – think about that!

Good luck, folks!