Me Myself & Monsters

I had more sexual encounters by age eight than most adults. This is my disturbing story. I met my first monster when I was just four years old. He was a close family friend who lived with us periodically. He had cold hands and even colder eyes.

 

 Monster #1 loved teaching me new games to play with him. He was always volunteering to babysit. He quickly became very comfortable, even playing these games with my twin present (he never touched my twin). Often, I would be reminded what would happen should I disclose our "secret".

 

 Monster #1 would remain in my life for years.

 

 Monster #2 was the babysitter's husband. He was always nervous and sweaty. He was a deacon in his church. He would always pray while masturbating on me. The combined acts would influence me greatly.

 

I met Monster #3 during this same time period. I  was somewhere around 7-8 years old. Monster #3 was someone I truly loved, trusted and admired. He was a very close family member. After fondling and groping me, he would always apologize... until the next time. There would be countless "next times" over the coming years. Monster #3 drove the Sunday School bus.

 

I spent endless hours with these three monsters during my early childhood. Oh, how they would influence me.

 

I spoke of Monster #1 during a Girl Scout camping trip, to a friend. I distinctly remember defending him. She told her mom. Her mom called SCAN. Our "secret" was out. My mom was infuriated... with me.

 

 It was at this time, I was told, "nobody cares." This phrase would remain with me throughout my life.

 

 Monsters 2&3 were still a secret and would remain so for years. I learned quickly not to speak of my monsters or the games we played.

 

 Monster #4 introduced himself when I was around 9-10 years old. He would come for me each day after school, anytime there was an opportunity. He was yet another close family member, who was often left to supervise us. He always had a dip of tobacco in his mouth. He was mean. He was nasty. He was insatiable. He loved commercials. Monster #4 moved away within a couple of years. Thank God.

 

 Monster #5 truly shocked me, he was yet another close family member. Monster #5 was well aware of Monster #1 (I would later learn he had also been aware of Monsters 3&4.) Monster #5 was intense. He was cruel. He was bold. I would only pleasure Monster #5 twice. He had a fierce temper, he would always stick his tongue in front of his teeth when angered.

 

I was becoming quite familiar with my monsters and the horrendous games we would play. I did not realize all the "gifts" they were bringing me...demons. My monsters actually became quite normal for me. The time we spent together, less frightening. I was literally losing my sense of "self". I would search for this my entire life. I stopped questioning my monsters and started questioning my purpose (as a child), was I meant to simply please monsters??? I was between 12 and 13 years old. 
 

At 15, I met Monster #6. He wasn't scary at all. I already loved him, dearly. He was yet another close family member, whom I admired. He was the nicest and most gentle of my monsters. He loved to kiss. He coughed a lot. 
 

Throughout my childhood, I relied heavily on my twin. My twin had always been aware of ALL my monsters. During this time I began to realize how friendly I was becoming with the demons brought to me by my monsters. 
 

It was also during this time I learnt just how lucky I had been. Monster #1's brother raped and murdered an innocent 5 year old little girl. He would later die while awaiting execution on death row. The level of extreme guilt I felt was all consuming. I still grieve for her, I always will. 
 

My final and most terrifying monster (#7) would come to me shortly after high school graduation, while at a party. He came to me in a most horrific, dreadful and sickening way. Monster #7 shook me to my core. The tiny pieces remaining of my heart and soul were destroyed, in one swift act. This monster knew all of my secrets, knew all of my other monsters and all the disgusting games I was made to play with them. Monster #7 was my best friend, my confidante, my safe place, my everything good in this world. Monster #7 was my twin. Instinctively, I threw up. And the very worst part...

 

 Monster #7 was only just blooming.