| General Fan Fiction posted November 17, 2024 |
A great alliance is called to war ...
A Praline to War
by Patrick Bernardy
Candyland Contest Winner
Sebastian knelt beside the carcass. It was only a torso and a head. Although there was no face to recognize, there were patches of hair that had missed any blood spatter and were undeniably green. He scrubbed his thumb across the left eyebrow – the only eyebrow that remained – and saw that it was, in fact, white.
There was no doubt. This was Vernest, and he had been chewed mercilessly by a vermicious knid. It had to be. A whangdoodle attacked for food, but a knid attacked for sport. Any other predator would have left no trace of Sebastian's poor friend. Why were the knids ranging this far into the westlands from Loompaland?
Mr. Wonka had been right to worry.
A piercing howl to the right forced Sebastian to snap his head around. It hadn't been very close, but he knew he couldn't linger here. He gathered Vernest's leather satchel and draped it over his own. Clutching his staff in a nervous fist, he took off at a fast trot toward Candyland.
Vernest had been Mr. Wonka's emissary to Candyland, carrying important information concerning the fight to annex the resource-rich kingdom. For about a year now, a majority faction had been secretly working against the sudden rise of fascism under the tyrannical rule of King Xerxes, a vicious gummy bear of the highest order. In addition to oppressing his own people, the giant gelatinous ruler had been waging nonstop and unopposed genocide against the peace-loving chocolate bunnies of Easter Island. For centuries the denizens of Candyland had lived in peace with them until King Xerxes decided he needed their island as a staging ground for his assault on Hershey-Upon-The-Hill.
This secret faction had hoped to enlist Mr. Wonka to their side; they promised that he could annex Candyland as he had done Loompaland decades before. They proposed to set up an administrative council that would carry out any decrees issuing from the Chocolate Factory. Mr. Wonka had agreed in principle and sent Vernest to iron-out the agreement.
Sebastian stared into the rising sun as he headed east down the road. The air was cool and the sunrays warming, but he was too distraught over his friend's death to appreciate the morning's charming qualities. He was nearing a grove of trees when a foul smell on a brisk breeze reached his nostrils. Knowing he had no time to lose, he reached into his satchel and pulled forth a flask. His shaking hands made drinking from it difficult, but he managed to swallow half the bottle and a good breath of air at the same time. Just as a pack of knids burst from the grove in front of him, Sebastian belched and lifted into the air.
A snarling muzzle of razor-sharp fangs just missed his right foot.
Sebastian continued to suck air and belch. Six knids howled and hissed below him, circling in frustration as their prey ascended farther upward out of their reach. He pulled his cloak from his satchel and held it open like a sail, catching the westerly wind. He was soon sailing into the canopy of the highest trees and settled onto a thick branch. He tied himself to the tree with a bit of twine looped to his belt as belches continued to rise from inside him, threatening to carry him up even higher if he were not anchored.
Safe for the moment, Sebastian tapped a button on his Wonkavision Industries comm watch. After a few seconds, Mr. Wonka appeared on the viewscreen.
"Have you found Vernest?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Wonka. Vernest is dead. A knid got him."
Mr. Wonka bowed his head and sighed. "I shouldn't have sent him alone, but I had no way of knowing it would be dangerous. The road to Candyland has always been free of any predator or brigand."
Sebastian looked between the tree branches to the road below. The six knids had quieted down for now. They were smart enough to know that their only chance to win this match was to wait him out. "I was attacked by a pack of knids just now," he told Mr. Wonka. "I fizzy-lifted into the trees. Why do you think they are out here so far into the westlands?"
"A lot has happened since you left yesterday, Sebastian," Mr. Wonka said. "A delegration of the Lollipop Guild arrived from Munchkinland with very disturbing news. Archduke Almondbottom of Kraft-Heinz was assassinated. Kaiser Praline swears that Oz is responsible."
"Surely not, Mr. Wonka! Queen Glinda would never allow such a dastardly act."
"I agree. I believe Kaiser Praline has staged this entire event so he can join forces with King Xerxes. He's not a trueborn nut, you know. The kaiser's mother was a Candyland princess."
Sebastian felt a painful ache in his stomach, and it was not just from the powerful gas of the fizzy lifting drink. All of this could mean only one thing, and Mr. Wonka confirmed it with his next statement.
"It looks like war, Sebastian," he said. "The Kraft-Heinz army has mobilized and been set afield. This is most likely why the knids have moved their hunting grounds into the westlands. Oz has assured me that they stand with us. We shall mount a strong defense against this evil, but make no mistake: this will be the greatest war the Confectionary Continent has ever seen."
"What about the Swiss Miss?" Sebastian asked. "Will she take our side?"
"Perhaps," Mr Wonka said. "She has always cherished her neutrality, but this threat goes against her very nature as the sweetest maiden on the continent."
"Her alpine valkyries would be very helpful," Sebastian said.
"Oh, would they ever! No single force would be as effective against Kraft-Heinz's southwestern flank. Okay, Sebastian. It's time for you to come home. I'm sending Boris and two full security squads to get you." He paused, frowning. "I should have sent them to escort Vernest."
"You had no way of knowing, sir."
Mr. Wonka leaned out of sight of his camera for an instant. When he returned, his face was creased with irritation. "It seems on top of all of this geopolitical shenanigans, the fifth golden ticket has been found." He rolled his eyes. "Does all at once have to happen everything?"
Sebastian watched and waited.
"Strike that. Reverse it. I guess I'll have to postpone my retirement and our succession plans for a while longer, Sebastian. Come see me straight away when you get back to the factory safely."
"Yes, Mr. Wonka!" The comm watch screen went black.
Sebastian belched a few more times, but his nervous stomach only got worse. How many more of his friends would he have to say goodbye to once all this war business got going? He sat down on the branch and watched the frustrated knids, knowing it would take hours for Boris to arrive. He began to sing to himself to calm his nerves:
"Oompa loompa, doompa-dee-do ... I've got a perfect puzzle for you ..."
THE END
Sebastian knelt beside the carcass. It was only a torso and a head. Although there was no face to recognize, there were patches of hair that had missed any blood spatter and were undeniably green. He scrubbed his thumb across the left eyebrow – the only eyebrow that remained – and saw that it was, in fact, white.
There was no doubt. This was Vernest, and he had been chewed mercilessly by a vermicious knid. It had to be. A whangdoodle attacked for food, but a knid attacked for sport. Any other predator would have left no trace of Sebastian's poor friend. Why were the knids ranging this far into the westlands from Loompaland?
Mr. Wonka had been right to worry.
A piercing howl to the right forced Sebastian to snap his head around. It hadn't been very close, but he knew he couldn't linger here. He gathered Vernest's leather satchel and draped it over his own. Clutching his staff in a nervous fist, he took off at a fast trot toward Candyland.
Vernest had been Mr. Wonka's emissary to Candyland, carrying important information concerning the fight to annex the resource-rich kingdom. For about a year now, a majority faction had been secretly working against the sudden rise of fascism under the tyrannical rule of King Xerxes, a vicious gummy bear of the highest order. In addition to oppressing his own people, the giant gelatinous ruler had been waging nonstop and unopposed genocide against the peace-loving chocolate bunnies of Easter Island. For centuries the denizens of Candyland had lived in peace with them until King Xerxes decided he needed their island as a staging ground for his assault on Hershey-Upon-The-Hill.
This secret faction had hoped to enlist Mr. Wonka to their side; they promised that he could annex Candyland as he had done Loompaland decades before. They proposed to set up an administrative council that would carry out any decrees issuing from the Chocolate Factory. Mr. Wonka had agreed in principle and sent Vernest to iron-out the agreement.
Sebastian stared into the rising sun as he headed east down the road. The air was cool and the sunrays warming, but he was too distraught over his friend's death to appreciate the morning's charming qualities. He was nearing a grove of trees when a foul smell on a brisk breeze reached his nostrils. Knowing he had no time to lose, he reached into his satchel and pulled forth a flask. His shaking hands made drinking from it difficult, but he managed to swallow half the bottle and a good breath of air at the same time. Just as a pack of knids burst from the grove in front of him, Sebastian belched and lifted into the air.
A snarling muzzle of razor-sharp fangs just missed his right foot.
Sebastian continued to suck air and belch. Six knids howled and hissed below him, circling in frustration as their prey ascended farther upward out of their reach. He pulled his cloak from his satchel and held it open like a sail, catching the westerly wind. He was soon sailing into the canopy of the highest trees and settled onto a thick branch. He tied himself to the tree with a bit of twine looped to his belt as belches continued to rise from inside him, threatening to carry him up even higher if he were not anchored.
Safe for the moment, Sebastian tapped a button on his Wonkavision Industries comm watch. After a few seconds, Mr. Wonka appeared on the viewscreen.
"Have you found Vernest?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Wonka. Vernest is dead. A knid got him."
Mr. Wonka bowed his head and sighed. "I shouldn't have sent him alone, but I had no way of knowing it would be dangerous. The road to Candyland has always been free of any predator or brigand."
Sebastian looked between the tree branches to the road below. The six knids had quieted down for now. They were smart enough to know that their only chance to win this match was to wait him out. "I was attacked by a pack of knids just now," he told Mr. Wonka. "I fizzy-lifted into the trees. Why do you think they are out here so far into the westlands?"
"A lot has happened since you left yesterday, Sebastian," Mr. Wonka said. "A delegration of the Lollipop Guild arrived from Munchkinland with very disturbing news. Archduke Almondbottom of Kraft-Heinz was assassinated. Kaiser Praline swears that Oz is responsible."
"Surely not, Mr. Wonka! Queen Glinda would never allow such a dastardly act."
"I agree. I believe Kaiser Praline has staged this entire event so he can join forces with King Xerxes. He's not a trueborn nut, you know. The kaiser's mother was a Candyland princess."
Sebastian felt a painful ache in his stomach, and it was not just from the powerful gas of the fizzy lifting drink. All of this could mean only one thing, and Mr. Wonka confirmed it with his next statement.
"It looks like war, Sebastian," he said. "The Kraft-Heinz army has mobilized and been set afield. This is most likely why the knids have moved their hunting grounds into the westlands. Oz has assured me that they stand with us. We shall mount a strong defense against this evil, but make no mistake: this will be the greatest war the Confectionary Continent has ever seen."
"What about the Swiss Miss?" Sebastian asked. "Will she take our side?"
"Perhaps," Mr Wonka said. "She has always cherished her neutrality, but this threat goes against her very nature as the sweetest maiden on the continent."
"Her alpine valkyries would be very helpful," Sebastian said.
"Oh, would they ever! No single force would be as effective against Kraft-Heinz's southwestern flank. Okay, Sebastian. It's time for you to come home. I'm sending Boris and two full security squads to get you." He paused, frowning. "I should have sent them to escort Vernest."
"You had no way of knowing, sir."
Mr. Wonka leaned out of sight of his camera for an instant. When he returned, his face was creased with irritation. "It seems on top of all of this geopolitical shenanigans, the fifth golden ticket has been found." He rolled his eyes. "Does all at once have to happen everything?"
Sebastian watched and waited.
"Strike that. Reverse it. I guess I'll have to postpone my retirement and our succession plans for a while longer, Sebastian. Come see me straight away when you get back to the factory safely."
"Yes, Mr. Wonka!" The comm watch screen went black.
Sebastian belched a few more times, but his nervous stomach only got worse. How many more of his friends would he have to say goodbye to once all this war business got going? He sat down on the branch and watched the frustrated knids, knowing it would take hours for Boris to arrive. He began to sing to himself to calm his nerves:
"Oompa loompa, doompa-dee-do ... I've got a perfect puzzle for you ..."
THE END
Candyland Contest Winner |
This is simply a celebration of puns that vaguely resembles the start of World War I in Europe. Also, the original Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder is one of my favorite movies of all time. When prompted to use the board game "Candyland" to germinate a story, this is what I came up, for better or worse. *laughs*
Kraft-Heinz is actually the company that owns Planters nuts, which was my "brand" consideration for the "land" of Austria-Hungary in the WWI comparison. I found it exceedingly fortuitous that Kraft-Heinz SOUNDS like a German empire, so it was a no-brainer to use it.
A special thank-you to giraffmang for correcting me in his review that it is NOT the "Lollipopkins" but the "Lollipop Guild." My whole life, I am thinking those munchkins were singing "We represent ... the Lollipopkins!" I know I'm not alone, though! If you are reading this and plan to review, let me know what you called them!
Pays
10 points
and 1.04 member dollars. Kraft-Heinz is actually the company that owns Planters nuts, which was my "brand" consideration for the "land" of Austria-Hungary in the WWI comparison. I found it exceedingly fortuitous that Kraft-Heinz SOUNDS like a German empire, so it was a no-brainer to use it.
A special thank-you to giraffmang for correcting me in his review that it is NOT the "Lollipopkins" but the "Lollipop Guild." My whole life, I am thinking those munchkins were singing "We represent ... the Lollipopkins!" I know I'm not alone, though! If you are reading this and plan to review, let me know what you called them!
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