| Self Improvement Non-Fiction posted February 4, 2013 |
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If you want it to last, forgive and forget.
Forgiving your partner
by Titanx9
Unless you are honest and willing to hash out all the details of whatever got a bee in your bonnet, you will never be able to exonerate your mate. You may think you have, but it will only be short-lived until he or she does something that meets with your displeasure. To forgive your spouse means to let “bygones be bygones” or “bury the hatchet” about his or her past indiscretions. It may be difficult to get there, but when and if you do, make it definitive and decisive. If that is impossible, do not remain together for the sake of the children or any other excuse because in the long run, it will be best for the mental and emotional health of all involved to simply walk away.
When all the recriminations are on the table, and you decide it in your best interest to stay together and work through the issues, you should forgive your partner unconditionally. This means you have made peace with whatever was done, and you will never allow the incident to be a part of future conversations. Below are discussion points to consider when deciding whether to go forward with your marriage or relationship.
Be up-front about what happened
Before you decide to forgive a spouse, be up front and acknowledge all your hurts down to the minutiae. This include being up-front with yourself also. Discuss how you, as a couple, will proceed with your lives and set some limits. Allow him or her to apologize and give their reason for the problem, and if you deem it pertinent, discuss what you can do to meet each other’s needs. Take time to think about what and why things happened. Learn to communicate for results.
Cry if you must
If your spouse committed adultery, surely it will hurt to the core, but acknowledge that it happened. If you need to cry, then do so, but do not bask in your misery. Try to see and understand what happened and fix it, if you can, but if you cannot, then move on. Do not stay together simply to punish your mate. You might come to the conclusion that even love is not enough to save the relationship. Or you might determine that once your trust has been breached you won't be able to ever trust your mate again. Whatever your decision, make it and move forward.
Do not allow resentment to fester
Try to put the anger behind you and concentrate on the good and positive things about your spouse and your marriage. Do not make him or her pay repeatedly for their indiscretion(s); if you made a promise to start over, make that your aim and stick with it.
Do not internalize what happened or blame yourself for your spouse's indiscretions. If you find you are having ailments you never experienced, see a doctor immediately as latent stress can wreak havoc on your nervous system. If you need to see a therapist, go as a couple or go alone. You might want to think twice before you involve family or friends as they tend to have longer memories and may be less forgiving than you might be about saving your marriage or relationship. Try to remember the love that first attracted you to each other and give it free reins to thrive again; that might well be your only saving grace.
Unless you are honest and willing to hash out all the details of whatever got a bee in your bonnet, you will never be able to exonerate your mate. You may think you have, but it will only be short-lived until he or she does something that meets with your displeasure. To forgive your spouse means to let “bygones be bygones” or “bury the hatchet” about his or her past indiscretions. It may be difficult to get there, but when and if you do, make it definitive and decisive. If that is impossible, do not remain together for the sake of the children or any other excuse because in the long run, it will be best for the mental and emotional health of all involved to simply walk away.
When all the recriminations are on the table, and you decide it in your best interest to stay together and work through the issues, you should forgive your partner unconditionally. This means you have made peace with whatever was done, and you will never allow the incident to be a part of future conversations. Below are discussion points to consider when deciding whether to go forward with your marriage or relationship.
Be up-front about what happened
Before you decide to forgive a spouse, be up front and acknowledge all your hurts down to the minutiae. This include being up-front with yourself also. Discuss how you, as a couple, will proceed with your lives and set some limits. Allow him or her to apologize and give their reason for the problem, and if you deem it pertinent, discuss what you can do to meet each other’s needs. Take time to think about what and why things happened. Learn to communicate for results.
Cry if you must
If your spouse committed adultery, surely it will hurt to the core, but acknowledge that it happened. If you need to cry, then do so, but do not bask in your misery. Try to see and understand what happened and fix it, if you can, but if you cannot, then move on. Do not stay together simply to punish your mate. You might come to the conclusion that even love is not enough to save the relationship. Or you might determine that once your trust has been breached you won't be able to ever trust your mate again. Whatever your decision, make it and move forward.
Do not allow resentment to fester
Try to put the anger behind you and concentrate on the good and positive things about your spouse and your marriage. Do not make him or her pay repeatedly for their indiscretion(s); if you made a promise to start over, make that your aim and stick with it.
Do not internalize what happened or blame yourself for your spouse's indiscretions. If you find you are having ailments you never experienced, see a doctor immediately as latent stress can wreak havoc on your nervous system. If you need to see a therapist, go as a couple or go alone. You might want to think twice before you involve family or friends as they tend to have longer memories and may be less forgiving than you might be about saving your marriage or relationship. Try to remember the love that first attracted you to each other and give it free reins to thrive again; that might well be your only saving grace.
When all the recriminations are on the table, and you decide it in your best interest to stay together and work through the issues, you should forgive your partner unconditionally. This means you have made peace with whatever was done, and you will never allow the incident to be a part of future conversations. Below are discussion points to consider when deciding whether to go forward with your marriage or relationship.
Be up-front about what happened
Before you decide to forgive a spouse, be up front and acknowledge all your hurts down to the minutiae. This include being up-front with yourself also. Discuss how you, as a couple, will proceed with your lives and set some limits. Allow him or her to apologize and give their reason for the problem, and if you deem it pertinent, discuss what you can do to meet each other’s needs. Take time to think about what and why things happened. Learn to communicate for results.
Cry if you must
If your spouse committed adultery, surely it will hurt to the core, but acknowledge that it happened. If you need to cry, then do so, but do not bask in your misery. Try to see and understand what happened and fix it, if you can, but if you cannot, then move on. Do not stay together simply to punish your mate. You might come to the conclusion that even love is not enough to save the relationship. Or you might determine that once your trust has been breached you won't be able to ever trust your mate again. Whatever your decision, make it and move forward.
Do not allow resentment to fester
Try to put the anger behind you and concentrate on the good and positive things about your spouse and your marriage. Do not make him or her pay repeatedly for their indiscretion(s); if you made a promise to start over, make that your aim and stick with it.
Do not internalize what happened or blame yourself for your spouse's indiscretions. If you find you are having ailments you never experienced, see a doctor immediately as latent stress can wreak havoc on your nervous system. If you need to see a therapist, go as a couple or go alone. You might want to think twice before you involve family or friends as they tend to have longer memories and may be less forgiving than you might be about saving your marriage or relationship. Try to remember the love that first attracted you to each other and give it free reins to thrive again; that might well be your only saving grace.
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I've witnessed so much hurt and misery over the years when couples stay together for myriad reasons other than loving each other. In the final analysis, it almost never was worth it because they usually divorce or separate and become bitter. I believe life is too short to compromise it by staying in a loveless relationship.
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. I've witnessed so much hurt and misery over the years when couples stay together for myriad reasons other than loving each other. In the final analysis, it almost never was worth it because they usually divorce or separate and become bitter. I believe life is too short to compromise it by staying in a loveless relationship.
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