FADE IN

INT. AUDITORIUM.
Bleachers right and left are filled with students. Most are attentive, but some are bored and looking at their phones or talking with their peers.
A middle-aged man in a suit and tie enters and strides to a microphone standing in the middle of the room.

ZOOM TO A FEMALE STUDENT MIDDLE ROW

FEMALE STUDENT
(leans over to her boyfriend next to her)
Great. Here's Sir Pepper with his daily nervous breakdown.

(They both laugh.)

CUT TO PAUL PEPPER
(Pepper removes his glasses, cleans them with a tissue, puts them back on. Clears his throat and speaks into the mic.)
Good morning. As you all know, I am the dean of this fine university, Green University. I am Dean Pepper, Paul Pepper.

CUT TO FEMALE STUDENT
Agent Bond, James Bond...

(She and her boyfriend laugh again.)

CUT TO PEPPER
I am here to give you today's updates. I'd like to start with the issue of the rise in parking fees many of you are concerned with. But first there are some other things to address.

THE STUDENTS COME TO ATTENTION. SOME TAKE OUT NOTEPADS.
CUT TO MALE STUDENT WITH GLASSES AND NOTEPAD FRONT ROW.

MALE STUDENT
(Stands)
Excuse me, Mr. Pepper?

PEPPER
That's Dean Pepper.

MALE STUDENT
Sorry, Dean Pepper...

PEPPER
That's Dr. Pepper.

LAUGHTER IN BLEACHERS

MALE STUDENT
(Looks confused.)
What?

PEPPER
(Looks flustered.)
Stop it! Settle down!

LAUGHTER FROM BLEACHERS

MALE STUDENT
Well, whatever...I just want to ask about the increase in parking fees. Can we please start with that as it is such a big concern?

PEPPER
I'll get to that in a moment, Kevin.

MALE STUDENT
Who's Kevin?

LAUGHTER FROM BLEACHERS

PEPPER
You're Kevin.

MALE STUDENT
I am?

LAUGHTER FROM BLEACHERS

PEPPER
Aren't you Kevin?

MALE STUDENT
My name is David.

PEPPER
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said you were Kevin.

DAVID
No. When did I say I am Kevin?

PEPPER
Just now! You said "I am Kevin."
(Looks around.)
Didn't he say that?

LAUGHTER FROM BLEACHERS. DAVID SITS DOWN.

ZOOM IN ON FEMALE STUDENT FRONT ROW.

FEMALE STUDENT FRONT ROW
(Not laughing. She stands.)
Mr. Pepper--

PEPPER
That's Dr. Pepper.

CUT TO FIRST FEMALE STUDENT AND BOYFRIEND MIDDLE ROW.
They cling to each other, shaking with silent laughter.

CUT TO SERIOUS FEMALE STUDENT FRONT ROW
Sorry, Dr. Pepper. My name is Debra Williams, and I did say that. Can we please get back to the issue of the parking fees?

PEPPER
That's classified information.

DEBRA
But you just raised that issue--

PEPPER
I don't know who leaked that information.

DEBRA
You just did.

PEPPER
I've not really thought about it. It's time to move on, Sheila.

DEBRA
I'm Debra.

PEPPER
Stop shaking your head.

LAUGHTER IN BLEACHERS. CUT TO FEMALE STUDENT AND BOYFRIEND IN BLEACHERS, LAUGHING SO HARD THEY ARE WIPING TEARS FROM THEIR EYES.

CUT TO DAVID

DAVID
(Stands again.)
Maybe we should forget the issue about parking for now. Can we move on to the concern of the new wall around the lawn in the back ten?

PEPPER
Back ten? I have no idea of what you're talking about, Kevin.

DAVID
I'm David, but we'll just go with Kevin for now. You define reality, it seems.

PEPPER
Finally someone who understands! The facts are what I say!

LAUGHTER AND GASPS

DAVID
Back to the issue of the wall--Let me rephrase. "Back ten" means the back ten acres of the lawn. There is a proposal to place a new wall around the back ten, in effect walling it off from students. As this is public university land, I'd like to know why that is, why students can't go on that land.

PEPPER
Yes, about the wall. There is a process about the procedure of the wall.

DAVID
Can you give us an idea of what that process is? How long will it take? How much will it cost? Will we be able to go on the lawn at all?

PEPPER
The status of the procedure of the process of the wall issue is being studied. I can't really give you more information than that.

DAVID
Why not?

PEPPER
It's classified information, Kevin.

DAVID
But it's not...we're talking about it right now. Everyone knows about it.

PEPPER
The facts are what I say. I can't tell you more than the facts.

DAVID
But you've told us no facts.

PEPPER
I've told you nothing but facts! I don't know what else you people want from me! You ask me about parking fees, and I answer! You ask me about walls, and I answer! You ask me about facts, and I...(he breaks off, coughing).

CUT TO FEMALE STUDENT AND BOYFRIEND

FEMALE STUDENT
(to her boyfriend)
And there's Pepper's Daily Nervous Breakdown. In less than ten minutes. Must be some kind of record.
(She and boyfriend kiss)

FADE OUT