Excellent Half in and half out Spectre : The Blur by Lea Tonin1

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.             The morning peaks into my eyes Disguise of love I know are lies Hope for more but heart just dies Poison spreads my voice such cries My mind my soul I thought was wise  My bath of tears my own demise. She takes from me all my ties. Nothing stays just her disguise.    ************************************ The tears keep rolling down my face.  A deluge I just can't seem to stop...they slip down my face of their own volition.  With her the misery never ends. She will continue to attack with all her resources as she has my whole life.  It's done in the most insidious way. She does not care who she hurts in the process namely my grandchildren.  Do what she wants to me but not my son.  Not my grandchildren.  Part of me wants to seek her out. Get in her face and cause her some pain instead.    But I cannot.  I cannot be her. She will never beat me. Let those people think what they will. I can't change it, therefore I must leave it behind.  Through all these many years and all the terrible things she and her multiple men have done, especially one.  She still continues even after he's gone. She targets me, why I don't know. Although she has committed many crimes against my sisters, more so towards myself. I'm not sure why, I can only guess... Jealousy, Scared because I'm exposing all of this. But that doesn't make sense. Because she was cruel long before then I try to go out against despair but then. Perhaps it's the circumstance.  I've always known my mother is narcissistic. But now I consider the possibility that she is a sociopath. A person who mimicks humor behavior and emotion but doesn't actually feel it. Can she hurt me?  Yes. Can she bring me down? Yes Will I stay there?  Hell no!! So I took my little dog, put on her leash and we took a long cool walk.  The cold fresh air never fails to vigorate me and clear the cobwebs from my mind. The sun shining on my face doesn't happen very often in winter and yet this weather pattern persists. We take advantage. My dog sniffs and I gaze. No matter what happens in the world, it can't take away from the beauty all around us. The miracle and cycles of life stare me in the face just looking at a tree. Never fails to bring me back to myself.   So I am back angry and more determined...   Let the blood flow....   ***************************** "Let's roll. Lines movin' up." Ginger haired man said. "Fuck that...let's smoke first!" E said. Around the corner to the same spot as last time. I thought to myself, "Why not, at least I'll feel relaxed." The joint went round while we introduced ourselves to one another. It occurred to me, through their behavior, that they'd already picked which woman there were going to have before we even showed up. Once again, we passed through the doors of the club and picked a table near the stage. This started to make me very nervous, afraid of a repeat performance of two nights ago. So I prepared myself to bolt if need be.  We ordered drinks and ate just like the other night. I could hear E and R (the red head) whispering. "Your friend is frigid". "Don't worry R, she'll loosten up. You'll see." E replied. The drink took its toll and I was turning into a spaghetti noodle. Even in that condition, I remained aware. The club was closing and I could hear E shouting over the music. Let's go! She said.  We're going to R's house." Ding ding ding!! Alarm bells all singing in my head. "I don't wanna go there...can't we just go back to your house?" I asked. "They paid for the night, that's what we're gonna give them." She said exasperated. "Besides, what happened to you the other night, shouldn't happen again unless you want it to. It's a shitty way to get started but the worst is over.  You have been initiated." "Ok," I said, hoping she wasn't lying to me. We pulled into a lot containing grey stucco duplexes. We followed the two men into the duplex on the end. "Drink ladies?" The blonde man said. "Could I just have some water please?" I asked slightly slurring my words. The blonde haired man looked sideways at R then R, in turn, looked at E. She turned and whispered in my ear. "Drinking with them is part of the package and we want to make them feel comfortable. Laugh, smile, make conversation and drink." "Fine." I grumbled. Then she pretended to laugh at something I said. "She was fucken with ya! She wants the drink but asked for water to see your expressions! Haha!" E chuckled. The two men laughed. R said, "Good thing too! You mighta been a cop!  We can't have that! I just gave a small smile and accepted the drink. I sipped it slowly as inebriation was knockin' on my door threatening to put me to sleep.  While R was cozying up beside me.  His arm went around me while his fingers ran through my hair. "So, how do ya like it sweet cheeks? From behind or missionary? A little slap and tickle maybe?" Instantly, I snapped out of my stupor. Those words dug deep. They horrified me and two nights ago came rushing back to my mind. I stood up scanned the doors exact location. My eyes quickly locked on the door. Then I could hear E in the background. "One of you guys go and get her!" That last sentence put nitro in my feet and I flew! It was dark and very foggy.  I didn't know which direction I was going in. I could barely see my hands, or feet below me. I heared R yelling. "C'mon back!  Nobody's gonna do anything!" I ran through the darkness.  I ran where the street had no street lamps. I let my feet decide the direction. I ran into the arms of darkness...became invisible in the fog. Then I slowly ...disappeared. ***************************** My eyes are dry, my resolve even stronger.  I knew it would get worse before it got better.   I knew the can of worms I was opening up and I know what she's capable of. So here I sit pondering this last blow.    I've come to the same conclusion.   Keep writing...cuz I smell fear in air.   Author Notes This story is part of an auto bio called Spectre. It is book 2 of a series of 3. The first one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read, please note. Some chapters are hard to digest. Reader discretion is advised.

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