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Why it is when all seems idyllic there’s a nagging little imp in the back of the mind suggesting negative possibilities? On an occasion not too long ago, an acquaintance proclaimed, excitedly, she had found the perfect man. She said he complemented her in every way. They shared a similar sense of humor and enjoyed doing many of the same things. At the early stages of the romance, everything he did made her laugh – out loud. She said he was the man she waited for all her life. She explained to anyone who would listen, why she wanted him for a husband. According to her, he saw through her zaniness, and loved her anyhow.
Oddly enough, something strange happened. She started having odd feelings. Horrible feelings, really. Even though her man had done everything humanly possible to evince his true feelings, she was sure there was something lurking inside her that he would soon discover and toss her to the curb. We talked. And whether or not I wanted to be, I became her arm-chair psychologist. After dissecting the man’s character, we discovered it was she who had the problem. She was beset with doubt and a lack of self-confidence. She didn’t want to acknowledge it, but it was all there staring her in the face. Her solution was to ignore her insecurities and by doing this and relying on hope, everything would eventually work out.
Needless to say, she wasn’t able to work things out and literally drove her perfect specimen of manhood away. It didn’t happen overnight, but little by little the relationship crumbled. She refused to accept culpability in the slow disintergration of the relationship, instead, she asked mindless questions like, "What if he isn't the person I've been waiting for all my life?" She needed him to affirm his love for her several times daily. “Doesn't everyone ask this of themselves at one time or another?” He assured her he never thought to ask himself that question since he knew she was the one for him. Eventually, the relationship did break up. To save face, she convinced herself if it was meant to be, it would have lasted. I didn’t laugh, though I was tempted to do so.
After witnessing the painful deconstruction of what seemed a reasonably good relationship, I decided to write about some of the things I witnessed. There was obviously doubt, but there were other factors at work, too.Hopefully, my thoughts on this subject will help others who have similar insecurities.
Often, doubt is cleverly disguised fear, which is another nasty contender especially when the two emotions decide to tag team. Doubt will have you think the last lover was better, even though he two-timed you more than once. Fear will remind you of his double dealings and the possibility it will happen again in the new relationship. Soon you’re languishing between the two emotions, unable to move forward. If you are in a reasonable good relationship, don't let doubt and fear get the best of you, give them the old left hook and celebrate the good things in your life.
However, often things don’t always move along quite so smoothly. By now, the imp knows he has you running around in circles. Deep within you know you’re being irrational, and you are, knowingly, ruining a perfectly happy relationship. So the question becomes, how do you break the habit of sabotaging your relationships? It will be difficult, but if you do the following, you are off to a good start.
Do not keep scores. Things will never be 50-50 in a relationship, and if you expect it, you place an unfair burden on your partner, as well as yourself. Your aim is to make each other happy, and if you believe you are not getting what you believe is due you, find a time and a place to discuss it. Timing is everything.
Insecurities about your body. There is no perfect body, even if the airbrushed ones on television will have you believe there are. Accept who you are and strive to be happy. If there are areas you can improve, do it. When you are ashamed of your body, your sex life will suffer, and when you have problems in that area, it’s like a stack of falling dominoes. If you need to lose weight, do it. Do not ask your partner to tell you how you look when you know, you’re 15 to 20 pounds overweight. Ask only if you truly desire an honest answer.
Do not allow a past hurt to dictate your future. No one wants to be compared to another, so resist the urge to discuss past relationship, such as sexual conquests or the degree of sexual satisfaction. Such discussions will serve no purpose and will most likely cause arguments or hurt feelings. Love the one you’re with and look for his good points, and find ways to celebrate them.
Be reasonable. Resist the desire to do the opposite of what your partner wants. It’s a lose-lose situation. If you are upset with your partner, discuss the issue at hand. Every issue has a beginning, a middle and an ending. If you learn to discuss issues in that order, chances are you will get along and you will get to the bottom of what is upsetting you.
Finally, if you are still tormented by insecurities and do not believe he loves you, consider this: Is he the one person who loves you even when you're acting ugly, or when your hair looks like a a rat's nest when you’ve just come from the beauty shop? Does he look at you through eyes of love when your nose is red, your eyes are puffy, and you're sneezing? Does he still say you're pretty? Does he hold you and let you cry the night away because your heart is broken over losing your cat? Does he help with household chores? Does he enjoy surprising you with roses or other small gifts? Does he look at you and smile for no obvious reason, other than being with you?
If you have answered affirmatively to any, or all these questions, stay, or try to salvage your relationship, because you know within your heart, he is your rock and even during the bad times he will not leave you. Do not allow doubt and misgivings, fear and anxieties, lack of self-confidence and stupidity cheat you out of a lifetime of happiness.
Author Notes
I wrote this piece because I could not forget how a woman I knew sabotaged a great relationship with a great guy. Lately, she is finally beginning to realize what she lost. I had a front-row seat to the all-consuming love, the downward spiral and finally, the heartbreaking breakup, which is why I am writing.
Thanks Clyde B for allowing me to use "Tangle Emotions."
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