Exceptional The Man, Woman Thing Hogamus Higamus by Marisa3

Ever since the Adam and Eve debacle, whereupon man and woman's dusty little asses were unceremoniously tossed out of the Garden, we have been pondering the male, female dynamic. How many epiphanies have we mere mortals had or thought we had on this seemingly unfathomable and continuing saga? Scanning the last century alone, I am certain there have been at least a bazillion. Below is an article from a Cleveland publication that reads as follows: "In 1939 an article appeared in the Cleveland Plain Dealer entitled "Thanksgiving Nightmare" by Claire MacMurray. It is a supposed episode in the mental life of a person by the name of Mrs. Amos Pinchot and it read as follows:" "She dreamed one night that she had written a poem so beautiful, so wise, so close to the ultimate truth of life that she was immediately acclaimed by all the peoples on the earth as the greatest poet and philosopher of all the ages. Still half asleep as the dream ended, she stumbled out of bed and scribbled the poem down, realizing that she must take no risk of forgetting such deathless lines. She awoke in the morning with the feeling that something wonderful was about to happen"oh, yes! Her poem." "She clutched the precious paper and, tense with excitement, read the words she had written. Here they are:" Hogamus Higamus Men are Polygamous Higamus Hogamus Women Monogamous This is my selection for the greatest epiphany of them all. No poet am I, but I think these few words in rhyme pretty much say it all; simple, direct and to the point. In my humble opinion, in order to even begin to understand the male species, one must first embrace this dream-induced poem. Once a woman completely digests these words, then she will understand that trying to force a man into a monogamous relationship is about as fruitful as trying to shove an octopus through a keyhole; it will be met with much resistance. So as to be fair and not paint with too broad a brush, it must be said that some men seem to be happy and actually content in a state of monogamy; however, I think if we speak the unvarnished truth, these gents are anomalies; either that or "Diz" from Stepford paid them a visit and rearranged their wiring. My favorite comedian, George Carlin, summed it up this way: "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I would respectfully disagree that men are stupid, there may be frequent occasions when they 'act' stupid, but I believe that to be a survival technique in order to escape rigorous questioning of their behavior and thus avoid self-incrimination; kind of like when a dog rolls over and plays dead. Although, why men choose this path is somewhat of a mystery, because as far as I know it never works, it only serves to tick women off even more. I think we can all agree on one, sirens blaring, red lights flashing, obvious thing and that is men and women have an entirely different emotional infrastructure. Men tend to avoid expressing their emotions, while women were born to emote. Say to a man "we need to talk" and you can visibly see his colon constricting. If there were a glass window installed in his cranium, you would view his brain going into hyper-drive and marshaling all synapses to full alert. "Oh dear God, she wants to talk ... what have I done now?"; followed by a nanosecond mental review of all his actions to date. Not to put too fine a point on it, as this is only an overview and one woman's perspective, but the communication thing does seem to live at the heart of the matter for men and women. I think the first mistake we women make is expecting a full-blown, nuanced dialog with someone who just wants to watch the game. Surely we have learned by now that NFL on ESPN trumps serious conversation with men every time. However, they have conveniently stretched this season to overlap other vitally 'important' seasons, such as NBA, NHL and don't forget the boys of summer, good old baseball. If they play their cards just right they may never have to engage in a meaningful conversation with a woman again for the rest of their natural lives. Is that the sound of ear splitting cheers rising up from the testosterone section I hear? One process that continues to baffle the male psyche is that of a woman's need for emotional venting. This concept is so completely foreign to men and yet, while they are being engaged in the process or more likely feeling sucked into 'her' vortex, on some level, they vaguely get that no solutions are being called for. However, their instinctive reaction is to try to find something to fix, which tends to take them down a very precarious path and to the inevitable cliff. As a result, they tend to find these sessions confusing and frustrating to the point of physical pain; preferring to be stabbed in the eye with a sharp object rather than participate. Depending on the intensity of the emotional encounter, the confusion and frustration increases exponentially. For a woman, venting her emotions is nothing more than stress release. As for the man having to endure the process, it is definitely an acid reflux moment. Questions are running through his brain like crap through a goose ... "what does she want from me and how much of a hit will I take if I just walk away?" I strongly suggest that any man with the slightest amount of brainwave activity resist doing the latter. Ever the optimist, I have to believe, beyond the obvious anatomical differences for the purpose of accommodating reproduction, that God had some deeper meaning for creating two such disparate beings and allowing them to occupy the same planet. Perhaps it was a need for some ongoing entertainment in the vast universe, which leads me to believe this omnipresent deity has a highly developed and slightly sadistic sense of humor. Finally, I would offer the following words of wisdom from Elizabeth Cady Stanton to women: "The best protection any woman can have . . . is courage." And for men, perhaps a Latin translation from Robin Williams will strike a chord ...: "Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Perception is everything gentlemen). Namaste, my sisters and brothers; peace be with you. Recognized Author Notes PSA: No men were intentionally harmed during the creation of this piece. It was intended only as a humorous look at an ongoing condition that I see little chance of changing. However, I gladly embrace the differences between men and women and say with all sincerity that the planet would be much less exciting without our male counterparts; not to mention we would have absolutely nothing to bitch about over coffee.

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