Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you straight that I
am mostly quite an affable and gentle kind of guy;
but there are just a few small things that cause my blood to boil,
so If you want to keep your place upon this mortal coil
then you must realise that life consists of take and give;
now listen close, pay careful heed, and you will get to live.
When you have finished shopping for your weekly household needs,
I beg you in the name of all that's holy, pretty please...
don't join the line which bears a sign, "For ten items or less"
with twenty items in your cart, you'll only cause me stress.
And though I know it's sensible to utter not a peep,
I'm far more likely to cry out, "Just learn to count, you creep!"
While stopped at traffic signals, I consider it bizarre
if deafened by the thumping of the speakers in your car;
and when I'm drinking coffee in my favourite cafés
the last thing that I want to hear's the crap your boombox plays.
So buy some headphones and enjoy it quietly instead,
and then I won't be wishing I could beat you round the head.
Now one of life's true pleasures is found at the cinema;
of all the ways one can unwind, it leads the pack by far.
But if you choose to view a film while I am also there,
I'd like to make a wee request (one which I think's quite fair):
just one small thing, a trifling ask, if you could be so kind...
to leave your screaming, tantrum-throwing, snot-nosed brat behind.
And if you're prone to chewing gum, well, that's your business, bud;
although you look to me quite like a cow that chews its cud.
But if you choose to throw it out while walking down the street,
and then, by chance, I step in it, your maker you'll soon meet;
for nothing will more quickly make me want to murder you
than your saliva sticking to the bottom of my shoe.
So there we have it, I am done, I think I've made my point;
some simple things promoting peace and order in the joint.
For any kind and gentle soul will see these acts are wrong;
avoid them, and assuredly, we're bound to get along.
We need to reach agreement, of these crimes we will have none;
until the State adbjudicates them, each and ev'ry one.
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Author Notes
I think it's been possibly hours now since I last properly offended someone - time to fix that!
Abjudicate: To ban; to prohibit by rule of law.
Please note the spelling above. It isn't a misspelling of "adjudicate", which means to make a formal judgement about. There is a subtle difference in meaning.
Thanks for reading.
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