The Visit
Two young children visit their mother37 total reviews
Comment from Haylee Hemphill
Hello!
Ahh I knew the ending before I got to it, but it still pulled at my heart strings. This is a well written piece. I hope you continue to share your work with our community and others.
One Love
Haylee
reply by the author on 02-May-2022
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Hello!
Ahh I knew the ending before I got to it, but it still pulled at my heart strings. This is a well written piece. I hope you continue to share your work with our community and others.
One Love
Haylee
Comment Written 02-May-2022
reply by the author on 02-May-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Eliz T.
Makes me want to know more of the story. You could develop it into something more for sure. Characters are made believable even in the short time the reader has either them. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Makes me want to know more of the story. You could develop it into something more for sure. Characters are made believable even in the short time the reader has either them. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Thank You!!
Comment from Carolyn Dooley
This is a great story about two children going to see
their mother after a year. Holding hands is bittersweet. Thank you for sharing this post. It has much meaning.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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This is a great story about two children going to see
their mother after a year. Holding hands is bittersweet. Thank you for sharing this post. It has much meaning.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Thank You!!
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You are welcome.
Comment from Anne Johnston
Your story is well written and a good entry for the contest. How sad it must be for children to lose their mother, but sounds like they are there for each other and have good memories to share.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Your story is well written and a good entry for the contest. How sad it must be for children to lose their mother, but sounds like they are there for each other and have good memories to share.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Thank you!
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You are welcome
Comment from Bill Schott
This one-hundred-word story, The Visit, has the proper word count and reveals the poignant scene of kids paying respects to their mom's grave. Sweet.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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This one-hundred-word story, The Visit, has the proper word count and reveals the poignant scene of kids paying respects to their mom's grave. Sweet.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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thank you!
Comment from Tpa
Flash fiction is a difficult task to write, but you did an excellent job in establishing characters and providing a setting. I would like to offer a suggestion: A is not capitalized after quotation. To be safe, you might write instead: Leah asked.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Flash fiction is a difficult task to write, but you did an excellent job in establishing characters and providing a setting. I would like to offer a suggestion: A is not capitalized after quotation. To be safe, you might write instead: Leah asked.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Thank You!
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon,
This piece is exactly 100 words (big tick) and relates a clear storyline (another tick). There are no obvious SAPG issues (a further big tick).
However, I do feel it misses the point or spirit of the short 'dash' stories', which generally endeavour to have a twist at the end - a surprise, a misdirection and so on. The tale you have created is linear, and there are no surprises. Eventually your story is obvious: there is nothing wrong with the tale, but there is no 'wow!' ending, and much of the scene setting (the two paths, the rose bushes, the maple tree) add nothing to the tension of the tale.
For example, if Leah and Logan were the dead characters and the grave marker was theirs, with their mother visiting their grave - are you with me. Take the reader in one direction and spin them at the end in another direction. I accept that my example is not very good, but it was an e.g. only, and not an i.e.
I respect the effort you have put into the presentation - as I say, there are many boxes where you deserve a 'tick', I just think you are missing the opportunity to make the piece memorable by making it more dynamic.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Hello Anon,
This piece is exactly 100 words (big tick) and relates a clear storyline (another tick). There are no obvious SAPG issues (a further big tick).
However, I do feel it misses the point or spirit of the short 'dash' stories', which generally endeavour to have a twist at the end - a surprise, a misdirection and so on. The tale you have created is linear, and there are no surprises. Eventually your story is obvious: there is nothing wrong with the tale, but there is no 'wow!' ending, and much of the scene setting (the two paths, the rose bushes, the maple tree) add nothing to the tension of the tale.
For example, if Leah and Logan were the dead characters and the grave marker was theirs, with their mother visiting their grave - are you with me. Take the reader in one direction and spin them at the end in another direction. I accept that my example is not very good, but it was an e.g. only, and not an i.e.
I respect the effort you have put into the presentation - as I say, there are many boxes where you deserve a 'tick', I just think you are missing the opportunity to make the piece memorable by making it more dynamic.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Great
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent entry for the 100 Word Story writing prompt contest. Well written and follows the contest rules. It's hard to tell a complete story in 100 words but you managed well.
It's a sad story but people go through the same all the time.
Well done! Good luck in the club
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Excellent entry for the 100 Word Story writing prompt contest. Well written and follows the contest rules. It's hard to tell a complete story in 100 words but you managed well.
It's a sad story but people go through the same all the time.
Well done! Good luck in the club
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Thank You!!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. I enjoyed reading. This is heartwarming story. Good luck with the contest.
Below are two dialogues in the same paragraph. In each situation each dialogue deserves it's on paragraph.
"Are we going to see mommy?" Asked Leah.
"Yes, we are," Logan said. "It has been over a year."
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"She's over there." Logan pointed to a Maple tree. "It's the best place here."
Leah stopped at the grave marker. "I just know she loves it."
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Thank you for sharing this writing prompt entry with us. I enjoyed reading. This is heartwarming story. Good luck with the contest.
Below are two dialogues in the same paragraph. In each situation each dialogue deserves it's on paragraph.
"Are we going to see mommy?" Asked Leah.
"Yes, we are," Logan said. "It has been over a year."
&
"She's over there." Logan pointed to a Maple tree. "It's the best place here."
Leah stopped at the grave marker. "I just know she loves it."
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Thank You!
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello mystery writer, a Good day to you, I hope this finds you well. I liked your 100 word flash fiction entry, you executed it well. Good job and good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Hello mystery writer, a Good day to you, I hope this finds you well. I liked your 100 word flash fiction entry, you executed it well. Good job and good luck in the contest
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
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Thank You!