The Mystery of the Wind
God's mystical motion dancing through the trees.35 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This ABC poem, The Mystery of the Wind, has the proper formatting and gives the readers a spiritual and personified look at the wind that finds us wherever we are. Nice.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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This ABC poem, The Mystery of the Wind, has the proper formatting and gives the readers a spiritual and personified look at the wind that finds us wherever we are. Nice.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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Thank you. I appreciate your review and comments.
Comment from Jim Wile
This is a beautiful poem, John, with a beautiful illustrative picture. I love your metaphors of the wind being God's breath upon the leaves and a symphony in the trees. The rhyming is perfect in this five-line poem.
The meter is a bit uneven though. Line 1 is iambic tetrameter: (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA). Line 2 is iambic trimeter: (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA). Line 3 is iambic tetrameter again. Line 4 has no discernible meter, and line 5 is back to iambic tetrameter.
It would be better to keep the whole thing in iambic tetrameter (4 feet per line). Here's an example of how you could do it:
From whence it comes, He only knows,
God's breath upon the summer leaves. (or perhaps autumn)
How beautiful the music flows,
In harmony within the trees.
Then with a backward glance it flees.
Another way would be to have alternating 4-3-4-3-4 feet in the five lines such as:
From whence it comes, He only knows,
God's breath upon the leaves.
How beautiful the music flows,
It sings within the trees.
Then with a backward glance it flees.
Either way is fine. Meter in poetry is kind of my thing. I've written an essay about it that is very readable and goes into a fair amount of detail on how to write a poem with good meter. If you are interested in learning more about meter in poetry, let me know, and I can send it to you. Jim
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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This is a beautiful poem, John, with a beautiful illustrative picture. I love your metaphors of the wind being God's breath upon the leaves and a symphony in the trees. The rhyming is perfect in this five-line poem.
The meter is a bit uneven though. Line 1 is iambic tetrameter: (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA). Line 2 is iambic trimeter: (dit-DA) (dit-DA) (dit-DA). Line 3 is iambic tetrameter again. Line 4 has no discernible meter, and line 5 is back to iambic tetrameter.
It would be better to keep the whole thing in iambic tetrameter (4 feet per line). Here's an example of how you could do it:
From whence it comes, He only knows,
God's breath upon the summer leaves. (or perhaps autumn)
How beautiful the music flows,
In harmony within the trees.
Then with a backward glance it flees.
Another way would be to have alternating 4-3-4-3-4 feet in the five lines such as:
From whence it comes, He only knows,
God's breath upon the leaves.
How beautiful the music flows,
It sings within the trees.
Then with a backward glance it flees.
Either way is fine. Meter in poetry is kind of my thing. I've written an essay about it that is very readable and goes into a fair amount of detail on how to write a poem with good meter. If you are interested in learning more about meter in poetry, let me know, and I can send it to you. Jim
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2023
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You are very kind, Jim, to take the time to read my poem and teach a novice poet about meter. I'm much like the musician who can't read music. I write by sound--what sounds good I write, without any knowledge of appropriate meter. Your explanation was perfect and very enlightening. I appreciate any help you can offer. Thank you. John
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Great, John. What I have done with a few others is to give you my email address which is: jwile123@gmail.com
If you would like me to send you the essay, just write to me, and I will send it to you as an email attachment. It's a Word document.
I think you'll find it easy to follow and will hopefully acquaint you with the basics of writing poetry with good meter. I am also happy to critique any poems you might wish to send me before you post them on FanStory so that I might offer a few tips. Don't feel that's imposing on me at all, because I really enjoy doing it and helping folks out this way.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Jim
Comment from Mintybee
Your poem fits the ABC style, and still flows naturally. The imagery is beautiful. I'm not overly fond of the doubly long line at the end, but that's a personal choice. It just feels a bit out of place. But it does fit the visual you chose, with the straight tree having leaves blowing off in a line to the top left, and the straight stanza with a longer line flowing off to the bottom right. So that's a cool effect you added. It's probably worth the slightly awkward longer line to achieve that.
Mintybee
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Your poem fits the ABC style, and still flows naturally. The imagery is beautiful. I'm not overly fond of the doubly long line at the end, but that's a personal choice. It just feels a bit out of place. But it does fit the visual you chose, with the straight tree having leaves blowing off in a line to the top left, and the straight stanza with a longer line flowing off to the bottom right. So that's a cool effect you added. It's probably worth the slightly awkward longer line to achieve that.
Mintybee
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you. I appreciate your review and constructive comments.
John
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After re-reading my poem, you're absolutely right. The last line is too long. I made the adjustment and, hopefully. improved it. If so, I have you to thank for that...so thanks! John
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Very clever posting, and the picture fits your words very well, as the leaves thereon look to me to be a scale to a musical interlude whereupon they depart to shiver and shake in the breeze.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Very clever posting, and the picture fits your words very well, as the leaves thereon look to me to be a scale to a musical interlude whereupon they depart to shiver and shake in the breeze.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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What an appropriate response, Tom. Your response is a delightful poem in itself. I love your description, '...a scale to a musical interlude whereupon they depart to shiver and shake in the breeze.' What a mastery of poetic expression! Thank you.
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Glad you enjoyed the review, as much as I enjoyed your comment re: the same.
Comment from Carlos' girl
I love the wind and I write poems often about the breeze, the wind, the kites the trees.
Thanks for creating a sweet verse with such pretty flow.
Blessings,
Judith
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I love the wind and I write poems often about the breeze, the wind, the kites the trees.
Thanks for creating a sweet verse with such pretty flow.
Blessings,
Judith
Comment Written 28-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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I love the wind as well. My favorite time is when you touch and hear the wind just before a storm. It's such an exciting time. Thank you and blessings to you too. John
Comment from Kerry Foley
Hello there, my friend this is a stunning poem you've penned.
Truly delightful!
I very much enjoyed it.
Good luck in the contest!
Kerry
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Hello there, my friend this is a stunning poem you've penned.
Truly delightful!
I very much enjoyed it.
Good luck in the contest!
Kerry
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Kerry. I'm glad you liked my poem. I appreciate your review and good luck wish. John
Comment from w.j.debi
The wind is such a mystery, isn't it? It can be wonderful when it plays with the leaves on the trees. I like the imagery of the music and the symphony. Great personification in the ending line.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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The wind is such a mystery, isn't it? It can be wonderful when it plays with the leaves on the trees. I like the imagery of the music and the symphony. Great personification in the ending line.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your comments and good luck wish.
John
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A charming little verse enhanced by its visual, this could fall into the 'poem in a pocket' category. The lightness of the tone is like a breath running through it. A gentle and sweet poem with perfect imagery in praise of God's beauty. Thanks for sharing. Take care, Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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A charming little verse enhanced by its visual, this could fall into the 'poem in a pocket' category. The lightness of the tone is like a breath running through it. A gentle and sweet poem with perfect imagery in praise of God's beauty. Thanks for sharing. Take care, Debbie
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Thank you. Your description of my little poem is both beautiful and poetic in itself. I really appreciate it. God Bless. John
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You're so welcome. A pleasure!
Comment from RodG
I envy the Speaker whose hearing is good enough so he can hear the wind's song in the tree. I especially like your spiritual personification of the wind being "God's breath upon the leaves." Rod
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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I envy the Speaker whose hearing is good enough so he can hear the wind's song in the tree. I especially like your spiritual personification of the wind being "God's breath upon the leaves." Rod
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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At my age, I have a hard time hearing anything. I appreciate your review and comments. John
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, John. A very interesting ABC Poem, but I can't help wondering if it needs a little more work yet. For a start, line 1 seems to be contradicted by lines 2&3.
Then, having brought God into it, you seem to abandon him in the final line which I think is the weakest of the five. It is pretty enough in its own right, but here doesn't seem to tie in with the solemnity of lines 2&3 or the musical imagery of line 4.
I did like the close rhyme of leaves and trees and the symphony metaphor was also nice, but in my humble opinion, the final line is the most important of any poem and I really wish you could find some way to tie it to the previous lines. The word 'divine' springs to mind as another possible rhyme which also refers back to God's part in the wonders of nature...
Steve
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Hi, John. A very interesting ABC Poem, but I can't help wondering if it needs a little more work yet. For a start, line 1 seems to be contradicted by lines 2&3.
Then, having brought God into it, you seem to abandon him in the final line which I think is the weakest of the five. It is pretty enough in its own right, but here doesn't seem to tie in with the solemnity of lines 2&3 or the musical imagery of line 4.
I did like the close rhyme of leaves and trees and the symphony metaphor was also nice, but in my humble opinion, the final line is the most important of any poem and I really wish you could find some way to tie it to the previous lines. The word 'divine' springs to mind as another possible rhyme which also refers back to God's part in the wonders of nature...
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Steve. Your review is exactly the kind of review I want. I had in the back of my mind the issues you conveyed. I've taken your advice and revised the poem to hopefully make it a better work. The thrust of the last line is to let the reader know God is in control. The wind mysteriously comes and goes. He never lets it stay in one place. I really appreciate your thoughtful and constructive comments. John