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Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Brian Anderson"2nd Place Finish
9 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Suggest delete 'more.' It was that Brian lacked . . .
Suggest add: though . . . turned off the interview camera, (though) it was standard procedure . . .
Perhaps reconsider: "The man reeked of jealousy." His words show that. Maybe use a beat, like gripping his pen or pounding the table with his fist.
A widower, that explains his melancholy.
Might want to spell out what JD stands for, at least at the first mention. I'm thinking Jack Daniels?
Another clue. He is faced with a job loss, yet he is not worried about money. But maybe his wife left him some. Or he's sure to get another job.
Clarity:proof might refer to evidence or to the strength of the liquor. Perhaps: There was proof of this littering every room of his apartment.
Suggest: . . . wondering when (he'd eaten the last time.)
Perhaps: . . . on the leather couch Debra had insisted on, downing shots.
Suggest: He knew what was coming tomorrow.
Only gets more intricate as you go along. Good work!
Sol
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Suggest delete 'more.' It was that Brian lacked . . .
Suggest add: though . . . turned off the interview camera, (though) it was standard procedure . . .
Perhaps reconsider: "The man reeked of jealousy." His words show that. Maybe use a beat, like gripping his pen or pounding the table with his fist.
A widower, that explains his melancholy.
Might want to spell out what JD stands for, at least at the first mention. I'm thinking Jack Daniels?
Another clue. He is faced with a job loss, yet he is not worried about money. But maybe his wife left him some. Or he's sure to get another job.
Clarity:proof might refer to evidence or to the strength of the liquor. Perhaps: There was proof of this littering every room of his apartment.
Suggest: . . . wondering when (he'd eaten the last time.)
Perhaps: . . . on the leather couch Debra had insisted on, downing shots.
Suggest: He knew what was coming tomorrow.
Only gets more intricate as you go along. Good work!
Sol
Comment Written 04-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2024
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Loved these as well! Thank you for the kind comment as well! D
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I am reading. I told you I would. Points or no points I am your friend. You have a lot of stuff to keep straight. I wish you the very best. I do not have the patience. You are my hero!!! Honestly, I am a short writer. Get in, kill some people get out. Good wishes and good luck to you.Good Work. Karen :-)
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2024
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I am reading. I told you I would. Points or no points I am your friend. You have a lot of stuff to keep straight. I wish you the very best. I do not have the patience. You are my hero!!! Honestly, I am a short writer. Get in, kill some people get out. Good wishes and good luck to you.Good Work. Karen :-)
Comment Written 03-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2024
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Nice description of your talents. Sounded like a serial killer. Ha! Our friendship is stronger than a contest so just do what you can. I understood from the onset I would not promote this and did not expect a lot of reviews. The amount so far has been heart-warming. I am simply
Proving to myself that I can do this heavy lift!
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I will read everyone of your chapters. You are my friend.
:-) Karen
Comment from Julie Helms
Good and gritty! You are building backstory and tension between the characters. It's a good read!
Not to smart for such a hotshot detective (too smart)
now empty chair (now-empty)
frowning at the still seated man (still-seated)
when the last time he had ate was. (He had eaten)
two piece gray suit (two-piece)
two bedroom apartment (two-bedroom)
See you tomorrow!
:-)
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2024
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Good and gritty! You are building backstory and tension between the characters. It's a good read!
Not to smart for such a hotshot detective (too smart)
now empty chair (now-empty)
frowning at the still seated man (still-seated)
when the last time he had ate was. (He had eaten)
two piece gray suit (two-piece)
two bedroom apartment (two-bedroom)
See you tomorrow!
:-)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2024
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Thank you! Huge help. Im surprised there aren't more fixes with the immediate turn over!
Comment from Ulla
So why don't you promote it weekly, so we at least earn a little bit, enabling us to promote our own stuff. Your story has potential, I can see that, but please do promote it. All best, Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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So why don't you promote it weekly, so we at least earn a little bit, enabling us to promote our own stuff. Your story has potential, I can see that, but please do promote it. All best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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I?m thinking about doing that book bundle once I get a few chapters done. What do you think about that? Is the bundle worth it?
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To be honest, I don't have a clue. In all my years here I have never come across it. I still hope you would post once a week. It does work. Dickens did is as well. Lol.
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This contests makes you post a thousand words a day. Promoting this story would be $300. I don?t see the value in that for a hundred dollar contest that I am unlikely to win by committee I just wanted the challenge.
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Oh, so you have entered that contest. I didn't realise, now I understand. Keep writing, it's a great story. :)))
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Yeah. It?s very tough to promote it daily with the 30 day push for a thousand words.
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Absolutely, I can see that. For that very reason, I didn't enter. Also I would have had too many errors. I promise I will follow the story and give you a review now and then. It's a great story you're writing. :))
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Thank you! It?s a haul.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
So the whole $30,000 Internal Affairs thing was the dream?
Anderson decided to join up with - Anderson decided to join Internal Affairs reads a bit better.
Not to smart for such a hotshot detective like you." - (too)
Only other thing I would comment on would be for Morgan to quit drinking! (smiley face here)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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So the whole $30,000 Internal Affairs thing was the dream?
Anderson decided to join up with - Anderson decided to join Internal Affairs reads a bit better.
Not to smart for such a hotshot detective like you." - (too)
Only other thing I would comment on would be for Morgan to quit drinking! (smiley face here)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Not a dream. We got us a bad boy. You are proving to be a huge help to me with contest Wayne. Great fixes. Thank you!
Comment from Terry Broxson
Douglas, a nice new element to deal with, actually two with the death of wife. Two minor thoughts. The opening...he was sleeping with...keep it gritty, he had just screwed a hooker...Sleeping sounds too nice for the context.
He would be buying half-gallon bottles of Jack. Much cheaper than fifths. You may not have time to use any suggestions, even if they turn out to be good. I understand.
keep it up. Excellent so far. Terry.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Douglas, a nice new element to deal with, actually two with the death of wife. Two minor thoughts. The opening...he was sleeping with...keep it gritty, he had just screwed a hooker...Sleeping sounds too nice for the context.
He would be buying half-gallon bottles of Jack. Much cheaper than fifths. You may not have time to use any suggestions, even if they turn out to be good. I understand.
keep it up. Excellent so far. Terry.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Great edits. Keep em coming. Those are perfect. You gave me a chance to add a clue in about the missing money! Thank you!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I like the way your dialogue fills in a lot of Morgan's backstory and already we see vulnerabilities in his relationships, drinking habit and therapy. Small edit (only one noted) Not to(o) smart for a hotshot detective like you. But good pace with potential, perhaps, for a quite volatile character. Good luck with the write! Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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I like the way your dialogue fills in a lot of Morgan's backstory and already we see vulnerabilities in his relationships, drinking habit and therapy. Small edit (only one noted) Not to(o) smart for a hotshot detective like you. But good pace with potential, perhaps, for a quite volatile character. Good luck with the write! Debbie
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Thank you! That's not bad for writing and reviewing it this morning. I caught seventeen mistakes in my review, but did fine-tooth it. Thank you for this catch!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
More insight to Morgan. He lost his wife and is struggling with that. He also has a problem with Brian Anderson. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this novel. We have a murder and a missing $30,000. Interesting. Can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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More insight to Morgan. He lost his wife and is struggling with that. He also has a problem with Brian Anderson. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about this novel. We have a murder and a missing $30,000. Interesting. Can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Thanks Barbara. Morgan Harper is no Greg Harsen. Ha! This book will be a trip! Remember, you have until Chapter 28 to guess who the killer is.
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I'm trying to put my detective skills to work. I'm not sure I trust Morgan. Something seems a little off, but we'll see.
Comment from Faith Williams
Oooo, Morgan's backstory. Great idea, Douglas!
Suggestions to consider:
Not (to) smart for such a hotshot detective like you." Should be 'too'.
I swear, if she (ask) about my dream even one more time . . . Should be 'asks'.
You use 'pudgy' a few times to describe Anderson. After the first one, I suggest switching the descriptions out for another word.
An intriguing chapter, Douglas, definitely keeps the reader asking questions. I look forward to the next one.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Oooo, Morgan's backstory. Great idea, Douglas!
Suggestions to consider:
Not (to) smart for such a hotshot detective like you." Should be 'too'.
I swear, if she (ask) about my dream even one more time . . . Should be 'asks'.
You use 'pudgy' a few times to describe Anderson. After the first one, I suggest switching the descriptions out for another word.
An intriguing chapter, Douglas, definitely keeps the reader asking questions. I look forward to the next one.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2024
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Thanks, Faith. This is a rapid writing pace. I can use all the help I can get. Appreciate you!