Just another incident
in defence of freedom4 total reviews
Comment from Lindsey Russell
Oh wow this is a harrowing account. I don't know what I would've done if put in that situation. It just points out the horrors of terrorism and war. Thank you so much for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Oh wow this is a harrowing account. I don't know what I would've done if put in that situation. It just points out the horrors of terrorism and war. Thank you so much for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you Lindsey. There were many such incidents during my two and a half year overseas service in that part of the world.All these years later violence is still erupting between different ideologies. l have more pleasant memories of flying home on a month's leave in 1953 in order to marry, but that is another story. Stay strong and positive.
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
Your account of the events is gripping and vividly detailed, offering a powerful glimpse into a tense and dangerous situation. Your descriptions of the setting, the tension, and the actions taken during the operation create a compelling narrative that draws the reader in. The contrast between the serene start and the sudden outbreak of violence is effectively portrayed.
Here are a few suggestions for improvement easy fixes
1. Paragraph 1: Consider breaking this into smaller paragraphs to enhance readability and flow. For example, separate the description of your role and the background of the Suez Canal from the narrative of the operation itself.
2. Paragraph 2: Fix "stoood" to "stood" and "positioneed" to "positioned." Also, "l" should be "I" throughout the text. This paragraph would benefit from more vivid imagery to enhance the tension. For instance, instead of "cold wind rustled the leaves," you might say "a biting wind rustled the leaves."
3. Paragraph 3: Clarify "Feeling vulnerably exposed, ducked down inside the turret" to "Feeling vulnerably exposed, I ducked down inside the turret."
4. Paragraph 4: Change "half a dozen man in in flowing robes" to "half a dozen men in flowing robes." Also, revise "hesitatated" to "hesitated" and "vanishd" to "vanished."
5. Final Paragraph: The transition from the immediate aftermath to the end of the day could be smoother. Consider connecting the details of the aftermath more clearly with your reflections.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Your account of the events is gripping and vividly detailed, offering a powerful glimpse into a tense and dangerous situation. Your descriptions of the setting, the tension, and the actions taken during the operation create a compelling narrative that draws the reader in. The contrast between the serene start and the sudden outbreak of violence is effectively portrayed.
Here are a few suggestions for improvement easy fixes
1. Paragraph 1: Consider breaking this into smaller paragraphs to enhance readability and flow. For example, separate the description of your role and the background of the Suez Canal from the narrative of the operation itself.
2. Paragraph 2: Fix "stoood" to "stood" and "positioneed" to "positioned." Also, "l" should be "I" throughout the text. This paragraph would benefit from more vivid imagery to enhance the tension. For instance, instead of "cold wind rustled the leaves," you might say "a biting wind rustled the leaves."
3. Paragraph 3: Clarify "Feeling vulnerably exposed, ducked down inside the turret" to "Feeling vulnerably exposed, I ducked down inside the turret."
4. Paragraph 4: Change "half a dozen man in in flowing robes" to "half a dozen men in flowing robes." Also, revise "hesitatated" to "hesitated" and "vanishd" to "vanished."
5. Final Paragraph: The transition from the immediate aftermath to the end of the day could be smoother. Consider connecting the details of the aftermath more clearly with your reflections.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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My apologies for the typos, Patsy.They are a combination of poor eyesight,and selecting the incorrect letters on my MAC laptop, plus the old computer has a mind of its own!! I am embarrassed because I did proof read the text but missed the errors you pointed out. I spent twenty years producing and editing two magazines but clearly at 94 years of age l am no longer capable of accomplishing that task. Thank you for your other advice regarding the construction of the story.
Comment from Pamusart
Hi, snowball
This looks like a good entry for the contest. Good luck with that!!
I guess if you hadn't fired him then maybe you would've died or some of your comrades
I can't imagine pointing a gun at another person unless I was defending my children or my husband. I'm not even sure I could do it if the threat was to me alone
Of course I've never fired a gun. I had one once, but it was never loaded. I'm disabled and I have muscle atrophy in my hand so I could barely barely pull the trigger and I couldn't load it by myself.
Sounds like an exciting adventure and it was in 1951. It was a year before it was born so that would've been 72 to 73 years ago. You must be in your 90s by now. That's good long life that you protected when you pulled that trigger.
Imagine. Your children would not have existed if you had not survived. It's hard to believe that some of your children might be my age.
Congratulations on such a long life
Here you have two
of the word off
"Sea,allowing ships to cut off many sea miles off the journey to the "
Here. Change itwas to it was.
"required. Could I help? It was a request, not an order, since itwas "
Here. I think you're missing the word I . I ducked
"Startled by the sudden illumination and feeling vulnerably exposed, ducked down inside the turret. This was "
Here. Shouldn't it be quieted without the end en?
got quiet
Or
quieted down
"hostilities had ceased. The flames died down and the village quietened. After about half an "
I enjoyed reading your story
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Hi, snowball
This looks like a good entry for the contest. Good luck with that!!
I guess if you hadn't fired him then maybe you would've died or some of your comrades
I can't imagine pointing a gun at another person unless I was defending my children or my husband. I'm not even sure I could do it if the threat was to me alone
Of course I've never fired a gun. I had one once, but it was never loaded. I'm disabled and I have muscle atrophy in my hand so I could barely barely pull the trigger and I couldn't load it by myself.
Sounds like an exciting adventure and it was in 1951. It was a year before it was born so that would've been 72 to 73 years ago. You must be in your 90s by now. That's good long life that you protected when you pulled that trigger.
Imagine. Your children would not have existed if you had not survived. It's hard to believe that some of your children might be my age.
Congratulations on such a long life
Here you have two
of the word off
"Sea,allowing ships to cut off many sea miles off the journey to the "
Here. Change itwas to it was.
"required. Could I help? It was a request, not an order, since itwas "
Here. I think you're missing the word I . I ducked
"Startled by the sudden illumination and feeling vulnerably exposed, ducked down inside the turret. This was "
Here. Shouldn't it be quieted without the end en?
got quiet
Or
quieted down
"hostilities had ceased. The flames died down and the village quietened. After about half an "
I enjoyed reading your story
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your review and rating Pamusart, l appreciate all your comments and l apologise for all the typos. They were not due to bad grammar but to old age and poor eyesight plus arthritic fingers which often press the incorrect keys on my laptop.
You are correct that l am in my nineties. In fact I celebrated my 94th birthday last month. Thankfully no sign of dementia yet, though l do suffer from short term memory loss and there is a decline in my faculties including deafness which can be attributed to many years dealing with explosives. However l am an impulsive writer and will continue with that while i enjoy doing it and not embarrass myself too much! Thank you again for your rating. Snowball.
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no issues on my end. I also sometimes have very shaky hands and my fingers touch the keys that they shouldn't and sometimes they touch the delete key for many many characters and then I have to go back and type back in what I've already typed recently, I got some magnetic glasses that are magnets inside of glasses because I was like you I could not see what I was typing. I cannot read what other people were typing, I don't know if that would help you at all. I got them from Amazon. You just look for magnetic glasses. They enlarge everything that you read.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your story is compelling and told in a captivating way. Even though you were never told the outcome of the shots you fired, I'm sure the experience was devastating. I wish you the best in the contest.
Suggestions for editing:
Allow at least one space after punctuation. A few examples follow
the Red Sea,allowing ships to cut off
it was essential that we kept control of it.Armed resistance
the Suez Canal down to Aden,ambushing
Check for spelling:
positions in a local villlage (village)
Non Commissiond Officer (Commissioned)
l stoood inside (stood)
I hesitatated for a minute (hesitated)
vanishd into the shadows (vanished)
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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Your story is compelling and told in a captivating way. Even though you were never told the outcome of the shots you fired, I'm sure the experience was devastating. I wish you the best in the contest.
Suggestions for editing:
Allow at least one space after punctuation. A few examples follow
the Red Sea,allowing ships to cut off
it was essential that we kept control of it.Armed resistance
the Suez Canal down to Aden,ambushing
Check for spelling:
positions in a local villlage (village)
Non Commissiond Officer (Commissioned)
l stoood inside (stood)
I hesitatated for a minute (hesitated)
vanishd into the shadows (vanished)
Comment Written 11-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2024
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LIbutterfly. Thank you for your review and comments. The typos were not due to bad spelling but pressing the wrong keys on my old MAC laptop which is ultra sensitive. Lack of spacing and incorrect punctuation were due to the same reason, though l was at fault for missing these errors when proof reading. Put it down to old age and not poor grammar, please. I was the editor of two successful specialist magazines for over two decades and I would not have held those posts without having a reasonable command of the English language.
Sincerely, Snowball3o