Unexpected
Dr. Gordon finds out his Nurse has a secret>17 total reviews
Comment from Desiree Addams
Very insightful And awesome piece. Wow! Though I'm a woman and enjoy being one, I do know others that are not as fortunate.
Just a couple of suggestions:
She had a lot of time to plan her transition while away in Brazil studying to become a Nurse and when her parents were killed in a freak accident skiing, (maybe want to say killed in a freak skiing accident). Just a suggestion.
Great story.
No one knows, except the Doctors who did my nose and these, cupping her glorious breasts.
May want to make this an internal or external dialogue. Just to make it clearer.
No matter what she did, her skirt fought her and stubbornly remained higher on her thighs than she wanted it to be. The leather seats cool on her bare thighs.
Either a comma between the two sentences or "The leather seats were cool on her bare thighs."
Either way, this was great!
Thanks,
d
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Very insightful And awesome piece. Wow! Though I'm a woman and enjoy being one, I do know others that are not as fortunate.
Just a couple of suggestions:
She had a lot of time to plan her transition while away in Brazil studying to become a Nurse and when her parents were killed in a freak accident skiing, (maybe want to say killed in a freak skiing accident). Just a suggestion.
Great story.
No one knows, except the Doctors who did my nose and these, cupping her glorious breasts.
May want to make this an internal or external dialogue. Just to make it clearer.
No matter what she did, her skirt fought her and stubbornly remained higher on her thighs than she wanted it to be. The leather seats cool on her bare thighs.
Either a comma between the two sentences or "The leather seats were cool on her bare thighs."
Either way, this was great!
Thanks,
d
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Wow, d, Thank you for the six star review. I really appreciate it. I can tell through your writing that you enjoy your gender. It's refreshing and very erotic.
I will make the changes you suggest. Waiting for your next Chapter - Thesis
Comment from Buzz Bellam
Being heterosexual, when I saw the warning sign, I expected a heterosexual encounter. Transsexuality is very difficult. Whether your story here is autobiographical or not is none of my concern. Like Dr. Gordon, I take people as they are. Yours was a melancholy story but very likeable.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Being heterosexual, when I saw the warning sign, I expected a heterosexual encounter. Transsexuality is very difficult. Whether your story here is autobiographical or not is none of my concern. Like Dr. Gordon, I take people as they are. Yours was a melancholy story but very likeable.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2009
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Lol, no, not autobiographical, just fiction. I'm glad you enjoyed it. - Thesis
Comment from sherrygreywolf
An interesting entry to the contest. You've tackled a controversial subject. Your descriptions of Stacy's clothes and the apartment leave us with vivid pictures of both, however I felt your characterization was a bit over-the-top and cliche.
General Comments: The major problem that I noticed with this piece is that you need to start another paragraph any time that your speaker changes. I noticed this throughout the story.
Paragraph 7: I believe the word you meant to use in the last sentence is "wondered", not "wandered".
Paragraph 8: "Ok, Doctor(,") she said, (")but don't get into any trouble."
Paragraph 13: "No one knows, except the Doctors who did my nose and these,(") cupping her glorious breasts." You have the quotation marks in the wrong place in this sentence. Also, this sentence is awkwardly worded - "Trying to balance his sight on the road and look at her, she waited until he was able to look her way before answering." I'm not sure how I would fix it, but IMO it just doesn't read right.
Paragraph 15: Doorman does not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph 23: Lasagna does not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph 24: ""Dr. Gordon," continued Maria, "you're supposed to tell call me when you bring home guests." Use tell or call, but not both. Also, "It's about time you brought home a young lady(,) Dr. Gordon." - add a comma.
Keep after it and I think this could be a good story - sherry
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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An interesting entry to the contest. You've tackled a controversial subject. Your descriptions of Stacy's clothes and the apartment leave us with vivid pictures of both, however I felt your characterization was a bit over-the-top and cliche.
General Comments: The major problem that I noticed with this piece is that you need to start another paragraph any time that your speaker changes. I noticed this throughout the story.
Paragraph 7: I believe the word you meant to use in the last sentence is "wondered", not "wandered".
Paragraph 8: "Ok, Doctor(,") she said, (")but don't get into any trouble."
Paragraph 13: "No one knows, except the Doctors who did my nose and these,(") cupping her glorious breasts." You have the quotation marks in the wrong place in this sentence. Also, this sentence is awkwardly worded - "Trying to balance his sight on the road and look at her, she waited until he was able to look her way before answering." I'm not sure how I would fix it, but IMO it just doesn't read right.
Paragraph 15: Doorman does not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph 23: Lasagna does not need to be capitalized.
Paragraph 24: ""Dr. Gordon," continued Maria, "you're supposed to tell call me when you bring home guests." Use tell or call, but not both. Also, "It's about time you brought home a young lady(,) Dr. Gordon." - add a comma.
Keep after it and I think this could be a good story - sherry
Comment Written 05-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2009
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Thanks for your comments, I'll edit the piece. - Thesis
Comment from Readywriter52
Dr. Gordon is shocked taht Stacy is transgered but he realizes that he sounds insensitive. He tries to understand her problem and help her. He reacted the way anyone would react in a strange situation.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2009
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Dr. Gordon is shocked taht Stacy is transgered but he realizes that he sounds insensitive. He tries to understand her problem and help her. He reacted the way anyone would react in a strange situation.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2009
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Yes, he did. It seems that he also has feelings for the person he has worked with for several years. It also appears that she and he want to explore this relationship further. More to come. - Thesis
Comment from brooklynauthor
This is hard-hitting stuff. I love the way you tackle an incendiary issue head-on. You might consider starting your story with an person in action instead of dialogue. We (readers) don't know the person speaking and to me it casts doubt as to what is coming next. It could be as simple as switching your first two sentences.
The story line is powerful. You use a lot of description and adverbs. In any story, but particularly one as this, you don't need so much. Let the action verbs and strong nouns provide the flavor. There is plenty in the meat of the story to keep your reader interested.
Biting her highly glossed, pink, lower lip, she just stared back at me, tears welling up in her beautiful green eyes. (this is our first look at the nurse - Consider: She bit her lower lip and stared at me. Tears welled up in her eyes. - the reader will decide most of what she looks like and you make the experience interactive. You have time to give us detail. Allow us to luxuriate in the words and experience. Look at the rest of the piece and search for unneeded adverbs and adjectives.
I hope you find this helpful.
Jerry
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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This is hard-hitting stuff. I love the way you tackle an incendiary issue head-on. You might consider starting your story with an person in action instead of dialogue. We (readers) don't know the person speaking and to me it casts doubt as to what is coming next. It could be as simple as switching your first two sentences.
The story line is powerful. You use a lot of description and adverbs. In any story, but particularly one as this, you don't need so much. Let the action verbs and strong nouns provide the flavor. There is plenty in the meat of the story to keep your reader interested.
Biting her highly glossed, pink, lower lip, she just stared back at me, tears welling up in her beautiful green eyes. (this is our first look at the nurse - Consider: She bit her lower lip and stared at me. Tears welled up in her eyes. - the reader will decide most of what she looks like and you make the experience interactive. You have time to give us detail. Allow us to luxuriate in the words and experience. Look at the rest of the piece and search for unneeded adverbs and adjectives.
I hope you find this helpful.
Jerry
Comment Written 02-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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Thanks for your comments Jerry. I am going to re-work the piece. I see what you mean. - Thesis
Comment from Stuart7
you did a good job with this. i am sure there are
many who go through this situation and facing it
alone would be very frightening. I am glad she found
a friend. You handled this with sensetivity and it
was a good read. Regards Stuart.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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you did a good job with this. i am sure there are
many who go through this situation and facing it
alone would be very frightening. I am glad she found
a friend. You handled this with sensetivity and it
was a good read. Regards Stuart.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2009
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Thank you Stuart7. I want to continue with this story and these characters. I think it could be a good story. - Thesis
Comment from tkmartin
Great story. I liked where you took the opening sentence. Some structural issues though, you need to give each person's dialogue it's own line. Other than that, Good work.
Good luck
:)TK
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Great story. I liked where you took the opening sentence. Some structural issues though, you need to give each person's dialogue it's own line. Other than that, Good work.
Good luck
:)TK
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thanks TK. Yes, I have to edit it tomorrow. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. - Thesis
Comment from findingmyroom
I like your premise and the characters. I think the doctor and Stacy are realistic and sympathetic. There needs to be some tightening up, mostly separating dialogue by creating a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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I like your premise and the characters. I think the doctor and Stacy are realistic and sympathetic. There needs to be some tightening up, mostly separating dialogue by creating a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thanks for your review. I know I have to re-format and edit. Glad you liked the characters. I spent a lot of time trying to develop their relationship. - Thesis
Comment from yachtworknz
Thesis-I just love that photo. It's so sensual without any real sex added.
This line-
Biting her highly glossed, pink, lower lip, she just stared back at me, tears welling up in her beautiful green eyes.
I think would be stronger in this order-
She just stared back at me, biting her glossed, pink, lower lip, ...
Also, it's a glossed lip. That is descriptive enough. You don't need "highly" or any other bits. It's not part of the plot so we don't need it. Glossed is sufficient.
Now, I'm going with four stars becasue much of what your wrote is told, not shown. Lets look at this line-
Still staring at me, tears now running down her beautiful face to the corners of her shiny lips, she looked so hurt.
See, that is told. While this-
Tears down her face to the corners of her lips.
I also think your writing would be much stronger if the adjectives were removed. "shiny lips" is not needed. All thoes adjectives detract from the descriptoin. They should only be added where needed, then they are perfect.
Send me a pm if you work on this a bit and I'll be glad to re-review to give the five star rating.
Cheers
Scott
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thesis-I just love that photo. It's so sensual without any real sex added.
This line-
Biting her highly glossed, pink, lower lip, she just stared back at me, tears welling up in her beautiful green eyes.
I think would be stronger in this order-
She just stared back at me, biting her glossed, pink, lower lip, ...
Also, it's a glossed lip. That is descriptive enough. You don't need "highly" or any other bits. It's not part of the plot so we don't need it. Glossed is sufficient.
Now, I'm going with four stars becasue much of what your wrote is told, not shown. Lets look at this line-
Still staring at me, tears now running down her beautiful face to the corners of her shiny lips, she looked so hurt.
See, that is told. While this-
Tears down her face to the corners of her lips.
I also think your writing would be much stronger if the adjectives were removed. "shiny lips" is not needed. All thoes adjectives detract from the descriptoin. They should only be added where needed, then they are perfect.
Send me a pm if you work on this a bit and I'll be glad to re-review to give the five star rating.
Cheers
Scott
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Thanks Scott, I appreciate your comments and will re-work the story to tighten it up. - Thesis
Comment from Jonesy
I get the feeling the author might have rushed to post this? I note the mistakes I found below, but they are in just the first few paragraphs but figured my point was made.
And that point is this clearly needs a solid proofreading before posting for reviews. There are far too many mistakes and some seem to be knowledge-based, where the author may not fully understand what is needed for professional writing.
I know that sounds harsh, but is the best advice I can give.
There are some good book and websites that can help with SPAG and general professional writing skills.
If requested, I will forward them.
***Nurse Stacy Anderson*** Need comma
***pink, lower lip*** Remove comma
***Two characters speaking in same paragraph*** Not a good idea because it's easy to lose readers
***Unneeded quotes*** Such as here:
and no one really understands. "
There is no interruption in the dialogue (noticed the same thing in many places)
*** like you were ready to pass out." *** I think the same character continues to speak on the next paragraph, so this ending quote needs to be removed
***Comma usage*** There is flexibility, but too many and it disturbs the word rhythm. Throughout the entire narrative, there are too many
***Reception Desk.*** Not a proper noun so don't cap
***tomorrow morning." "Ok, Doctor*** Another example of two characters speaking in the same paragraph and with no description breaking it up. As I mentioned, this happens a lot
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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I get the feeling the author might have rushed to post this? I note the mistakes I found below, but they are in just the first few paragraphs but figured my point was made.
And that point is this clearly needs a solid proofreading before posting for reviews. There are far too many mistakes and some seem to be knowledge-based, where the author may not fully understand what is needed for professional writing.
I know that sounds harsh, but is the best advice I can give.
There are some good book and websites that can help with SPAG and general professional writing skills.
If requested, I will forward them.
***Nurse Stacy Anderson*** Need comma
***pink, lower lip*** Remove comma
***Two characters speaking in same paragraph*** Not a good idea because it's easy to lose readers
***Unneeded quotes*** Such as here:
and no one really understands. "
There is no interruption in the dialogue (noticed the same thing in many places)
*** like you were ready to pass out." *** I think the same character continues to speak on the next paragraph, so this ending quote needs to be removed
***Comma usage*** There is flexibility, but too many and it disturbs the word rhythm. Throughout the entire narrative, there are too many
***Reception Desk.*** Not a proper noun so don't cap
***tomorrow morning." "Ok, Doctor*** Another example of two characters speaking in the same paragraph and with no description breaking it up. As I mentioned, this happens a lot
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2009
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2009
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Wow, clearly an insightful review. As a new writer, I'm certain I will make many mistakes along the way. Thank you for your nurturing comments. Perhaps one day I can become good enough to become a professional. - Thesis