The Delivery of Maturity
a bittersweet coming of age story in a poem17 total reviews
Comment from sgalletti
Al--I found this to be an extremely erotic piece with quite a twist at the end. It was written in immaculate iambic hexameter form, a difficult form to write. And, I am sure it described well the original loss of innocence for many men. The imagery was terrific. The twist at the end was what fascinated me most, however. The compassion this young man had for this woman who he now realized lost her husband because of his love for another man. That had to be the biggest lesson of all that night. Yes, I DID enjoy the piece a lot. Sue
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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Al--I found this to be an extremely erotic piece with quite a twist at the end. It was written in immaculate iambic hexameter form, a difficult form to write. And, I am sure it described well the original loss of innocence for many men. The imagery was terrific. The twist at the end was what fascinated me most, however. The compassion this young man had for this woman who he now realized lost her husband because of his love for another man. That had to be the biggest lesson of all that night. Yes, I DID enjoy the piece a lot. Sue
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review. You understood the story behind the poem well.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Alvin,
Quite a tip. She used him and pyscologically abused him. It made me think of the Garth Brook's poem, "Let the Thunder Roll." This is hard, edgy, and taut. The language lends itself to depressing the reader.
I can leave taciturnly," I replied to her. huh, how can you leave taciturnly.
"I can leave," I replied taciturnly.
I'd change the font color, the letters really fade into the background.
Have a great 2010, Alvin.
Winslow
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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Dear Alvin,
Quite a tip. She used him and pyscologically abused him. It made me think of the Garth Brook's poem, "Let the Thunder Roll." This is hard, edgy, and taut. The language lends itself to depressing the reader.
I can leave taciturnly," I replied to her. huh, how can you leave taciturnly.
"I can leave," I replied taciturnly.
I'd change the font color, the letters really fade into the background.
Have a great 2010, Alvin.
Winslow
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2009
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You're right about the wording. That also will make the youth not use such an advanced vocabulary. I'll take a look at the font. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from adewpearl
Your meter and rhyme are perfectly executed, Al. This is not a story that has much appeal to me - it is clearly told with believable detail and sounds like the point of view of a young pizza delivery guy, which explains your word choices, but it's not anything I would read if not written by you, my friend. This is one where I'm not part of the target audience, but hey, that's okay. I know I bother the hell out of some of my regular readers when I write a fairy poem! LOL Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Your meter and rhyme are perfectly executed, Al. This is not a story that has much appeal to me - it is clearly told with believable detail and sounds like the point of view of a young pizza delivery guy, which explains your word choices, but it's not anything I would read if not written by you, my friend. This is one where I'm not part of the target audience, but hey, that's okay. I know I bother the hell out of some of my regular readers when I write a fairy poem! LOL Brooke :-)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Yes, but did you see the film or read the book Summer of '42? It has a similar narrator and was quite popular. Thanks for a great review.
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Yes, I saw the movie quite a while ago and liked it - it is not the story line that places me outside your audience here, it is some of the word choices that just have always seemed so harsh to me for describing the sexual act. I love erotic scenes - they just lose eroticism for me when those words enter into the picture, but I totally understand this is being spoken by a young guy who might talk that way. :-)
Comment from lola29
Alvin, you've articulated brilliantly how our emotions sometimes drive us to seemingly drastic measures to compensate for the pain. I'm always impressed with your writing ability.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Alvin, you've articulated brilliantly how our emotions sometimes drive us to seemingly drastic measures to compensate for the pain. I'm always impressed with your writing ability.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Thank you. Once again, you are far too kind. I appreciate the wonderful review.
Comment from jeslaf
It is a feat to accomplish a story of this complexity in a poem, but to do it in strict meter and rhyme is another level entirely. I loved the rich vocabulary contrasted with the slang for anatomical parts, the youth/maturity contrast, and the lust/grief contrast as well. The ending had a Brokeback Mtn-ish feel when the woman's motive was revealed, and it was a surprise ending...super job, poet. :)
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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It is a feat to accomplish a story of this complexity in a poem, but to do it in strict meter and rhyme is another level entirely. I loved the rich vocabulary contrasted with the slang for anatomical parts, the youth/maturity contrast, and the lust/grief contrast as well. The ending had a Brokeback Mtn-ish feel when the woman's motive was revealed, and it was a surprise ending...super job, poet. :)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review. I think you understood everything I wanted to convey. This wasn't easy to write, but I so enjoyed writing it. Thanks again.
Comment from Melody Ringo
Hi Alvin - Wow! This brought back memories of some youthful sexual experiences I had! It's also close to more recent fantasies of mine (mainly involving "service" men coming to my house at my request). Good job bringing out emotions of both parties. Nice work. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Hi Alvin - Wow! This brought back memories of some youthful sexual experiences I had! It's also close to more recent fantasies of mine (mainly involving "service" men coming to my house at my request). Good job bringing out emotions of both parties. Nice work. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review. If you post some stories based on your fantasies, let me know; I would love to read them.
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If I ever get around to writing any of them down, I'll be sure to let you know, Alvin. You might also enjoy reading my Halloween Hostage peice in the meantime. Its a bit erotic too!
Comment from BarnCat
A very interesting juxtaposition of rigid form and subject matter, Alvin. Your form is of course flawless with your customary sophistication and style. Another poem where you elevate life to an artform. DBL
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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A very interesting juxtaposition of rigid form and subject matter, Alvin. Your form is of course flawless with your customary sophistication and style. Another poem where you elevate life to an artform. DBL
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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You are so kind; thank you so much for this wonderful review.
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Dear Mr. Ethington,
The hexameter is absolutely exquisitely applied in this poetic verse. Marvelously so! The lines that most caught my attention were:
"As I explored her clit, amazed that this was me!
I seemingly knew what to do; I was a man."
Extremely well applied verbiage. A talent so brilliant in description is truly rare.
From first word to last, a testament to "Delivery of Maturity."
Bravo!
Miss Seraph~
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Dear Mr. Ethington,
The hexameter is absolutely exquisitely applied in this poetic verse. Marvelously so! The lines that most caught my attention were:
"As I explored her clit, amazed that this was me!
I seemingly knew what to do; I was a man."
Extremely well applied verbiage. A talent so brilliant in description is truly rare.
From first word to last, a testament to "Delivery of Maturity."
Bravo!
Miss Seraph~
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
My dear Miss Seraph,
Yes, I like those lines as well. The first one fits the French alexandrine, in which there is a break after the first six syllables. You are far too kind, I fear. Thank you so much for a superb review. I know you have sons of your own; how old are they?
I remain,
Mr. Ethington
Comment from honeytree
The art work was excellent and the words suited these words written.Maturity can start very young for some, and some who are older.
Their is nothing better then true love between two
people.
Life is how we make it,good, bad or indifferent.
Honeytree.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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The art work was excellent and the words suited these words written.Maturity can start very young for some, and some who are older.
Their is nothing better then true love between two
people.
Life is how we make it,good, bad or indifferent.
Honeytree.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a very understanding review. I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Realist101
Oh this is sad. Very sad. It at first, made me feel excited, so to speak, and then made me think of my son, and what it may have, or may be for him, with his first time...then sad that the woman is alone, and so filled with grief. This truly brings out emotions at all levels, and so is very successful. It could also be an excellent story Alvin...another excellent piece. Your friend, Susan
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Oh this is sad. Very sad. It at first, made me feel excited, so to speak, and then made me think of my son, and what it may have, or may be for him, with his first time...then sad that the woman is alone, and so filled with grief. This truly brings out emotions at all levels, and so is very successful. It could also be an excellent story Alvin...another excellent piece. Your friend, Susan
Comment Written 29-Dec-2009
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2009
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Thanks for a great review. It was actually written for a contest, and when I finished, I found the contest required PROSE, not poetry! And I had already submitted an entry in the Story in a Poem contest. So I posted it anyway, because I liked it, and then one reviewer gave me a banner, so I promoted it. I do rather like it, but one reviewer did not; he called it pornography ; I don't think of it that way at all. So your review reassured me. Thank you so much.
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Oh, I am happy to read your work, it is refreshing to me, to see anyone have courage to write what they want. I think as long as it is not something the Feds would arrest you for, it is good. Of course, they can arrest anyone now, for anything, but I like that you write what is in your heart. Keep it up Alvin...Susan
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Thank you for your kind words. As you probably know, I have been arrested and thrown in jail twice for exposing the local police's corruption.
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WHAT????????????? Did I miss something in your bio??? You are my new hero. IF YOU ONLY KNEW what I have been through, God, you are a brave soul...YOU have to be careful. Oh boy...HOLD your head high. I salute you. Susan
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No, it's not in my bio, but in my posted work. The third time the police tried this trick on me I drew a different judge who did not give me jail time. You should write about what you have been through; I found it very cathartic for me. The judge before this sensible judge, though, was extremely corrupt; he gave me thirty days for a trumped-up charge of drunk in public. When I talked to the head doctor at the jail, he had already released me (I had only been there a day and a half.) No one at the LA County Jail could figure out why I was there. As most people on this site will tell you, I shall never give up the struggle for the marginalized.
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Wow. I am really sorry for this ALvin, just NO excuse for such treatment. I will have to read more of your work, I am afraid to say much. My family and I have had our lives threatened, bullets flying by my head, while I stood on my front deck, my son's lugs loosened on his truck, and our tractor, "they" try to get me thrown from my horse on a regular basis...and all of it is UNPROVABLE. I could write a book, but I would have to say names? and boy, we live in Indiana, the very state where the KKK originated, and I am in SOUTHERN Indiana, REDNECK CENTRAL. It is a nightmare. You would have a coronary if you came here to visit, and saw some of this TERROR, and there is NO other way to describe it. So, when I "meet" a fellow VICTIM of this nonsense, I totally understand how you must feel...we try to "fight the good fight", as I write this, my husband and son are trying to fill out a statement concerning a "neighbor" who INTENTIONALLY veered his oneton pickup toward my son, as he traversed a PUBLIC road, and it will GO nowhere. So, I wish you the best, once they target you, that is it. We are miserable...Please take care Alvin...Your friend, Susan