The attic
The attic in my grandmother???s house5 total reviews
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is an excellent, well-told story of trying to re-discover your grandmother in an old attic. A bit of a ghost story, actually. Your detailed descriptions of the contents are interesting, and the mood created by the sounds and sights of the sea is mystic and lovely. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
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This is an excellent, well-told story of trying to re-discover your grandmother in an old attic. A bit of a ghost story, actually. Your detailed descriptions of the contents are interesting, and the mood created by the sounds and sights of the sea is mystic and lovely. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 07-Feb-2011
Comment from Judy Swanson
There is more to this than you have the page, and I certainly hope you take this short piece into a much longer story. As it is, it is intriguing and enchanting, and moves the reader to want more.
You include excellent imagery - my favorite is this sentence:
"I sit and watch the restless silver shuffle of the waves in the moonlight. I listen lost in thoughts and memories to the wind's soft swing as the house creeks and aches."
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Judy
One question - in the following sentence, I think there needs to be some clarification. You might either change the word 'its' to 'her' or you might say "the vision of the woman lost its..."
"It only took a couple of seconds before the woman lost its outlines and disappeared forever."
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There is more to this than you have the page, and I certainly hope you take this short piece into a much longer story. As it is, it is intriguing and enchanting, and moves the reader to want more.
You include excellent imagery - my favorite is this sentence:
"I sit and watch the restless silver shuffle of the waves in the moonlight. I listen lost in thoughts and memories to the wind's soft swing as the house creeks and aches."
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Judy
One question - in the following sentence, I think there needs to be some clarification. You might either change the word 'its' to 'her' or you might say "the vision of the woman lost its..."
"It only took a couple of seconds before the woman lost its outlines and disappeared forever."
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
Comment from seewhatimwritingnow
This is a great story, that I enjoyed reading very much! I does need a bit of editing for grammar. I am offering the following suggestions. Nothing major. It is a most enjoyable story (wondering is it's actually true?)
I am left to wonder about this sentence- "It later sold at a ridiculously low price, making it easy for me to redeem it at an even sillier low price"
I cannot imagine the house being sold, at a ridiculously low price- without you, or someone in the family, being the purchaser? And also cannot understand the one who bought it, selling it to you, at an even lower (sillier?) price? This just doesn't happen in real life.
This sentence seems a bit long and clumsy.
" At the other end of it, a round and dirty window let the light ineffectually take a curious look inside the dusty room. "
Suggestion: (At the other end of it, a bit of light shown through a round and dirty window, allowing me to take a curious look inside the dusty room) OR ("At the other end of it, a round and dirty window let the light in, ineffectually allowing me to take a curious look inside the dusty room. ")
I also notice that at one point you refer to a 'staircase' and this then changes to a 'ladder'? I visualize and steep, dusty staircase, and had to review it later, as a ladder. Also the 'box' that you are pushing, in the attic, suddenly becomes a 'trunk'? Another visual change.
Last, but not least, you have forgotten to add the number of words contained in your story- which is a contest requirement.
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This is a great story, that I enjoyed reading very much! I does need a bit of editing for grammar. I am offering the following suggestions. Nothing major. It is a most enjoyable story (wondering is it's actually true?)
I am left to wonder about this sentence- "It later sold at a ridiculously low price, making it easy for me to redeem it at an even sillier low price"
I cannot imagine the house being sold, at a ridiculously low price- without you, or someone in the family, being the purchaser? And also cannot understand the one who bought it, selling it to you, at an even lower (sillier?) price? This just doesn't happen in real life.
This sentence seems a bit long and clumsy.
" At the other end of it, a round and dirty window let the light ineffectually take a curious look inside the dusty room. "
Suggestion: (At the other end of it, a bit of light shown through a round and dirty window, allowing me to take a curious look inside the dusty room) OR ("At the other end of it, a round and dirty window let the light in, ineffectually allowing me to take a curious look inside the dusty room. ")
I also notice that at one point you refer to a 'staircase' and this then changes to a 'ladder'? I visualize and steep, dusty staircase, and had to review it later, as a ladder. Also the 'box' that you are pushing, in the attic, suddenly becomes a 'trunk'? Another visual change.
Last, but not least, you have forgotten to add the number of words contained in your story- which is a contest requirement.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
Comment from jamesfrancis
Thank you for an entertaining and carrying read. My name is Jamesfrancis from Jamesfrancis.nl . check me out and Ill carry on reading through your portfolio :)
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Thank you for an entertaining and carrying read. My name is Jamesfrancis from Jamesfrancis.nl . check me out and Ill carry on reading through your portfolio :)
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011
Comment from sizemore0409
Wow! This is a pretty awesome little story! The clear sharp imagery and potent emotion are woven together exceptionally well, and flow with silky-smoothness through the narrative. This is a delightful reading-experience --- good luck in the contest! :-) Andy
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Wow! This is a pretty awesome little story! The clear sharp imagery and potent emotion are woven together exceptionally well, and flow with silky-smoothness through the narrative. This is a delightful reading-experience --- good luck in the contest! :-) Andy
Comment Written 06-Feb-2011