The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Sight of Death, Crime Scene?"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
16 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Your carting him off to the deep freeze - You're
You create an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue well as the detective's suspicions surface.
Brooke
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Your carting him off to the deep freeze - You're
You create an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue well as the detective's suspicions surface.
Brooke
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, I appreciate it when a list of characters appears! It is so helpful. Since you will be flashing forward and back, it is all the more important. Also, to give the reader a heads up on the timeframe will save a lot of confusion. This has all the elements of an intriguing murder mystery. Set it apart somehow, and it will not feel like a lot of the who done its. A few small spags:
deceaseds possessive needs apostrophe
Hell she had no idea what happened comma after Hell- Alas, she had...
Random period in line: endowed with an .advanced technology
I want you to fell...J...B. needs to be feel
:0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, I appreciate it when a list of characters appears! It is so helpful. Since you will be flashing forward and back, it is all the more important. Also, to give the reader a heads up on the timeframe will save a lot of confusion. This has all the elements of an intriguing murder mystery. Set it apart somehow, and it will not feel like a lot of the who done its. A few small spags:
deceaseds possessive needs apostrophe
Hell she had no idea what happened comma after Hell- Alas, she had...
Random period in line: endowed with an .advanced technology
I want you to fell...J...B. needs to be feel
:0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
Comment from Lovinia
" ...certificate filed (filled) out and ..."
"Your (You're)carting him off ..."
Hi Mikey
Really on the ball, your writing is so skilled in this chapter. All the necessaries, yet told with interest and entertainment. Developing your Detective well, the reader has a good idea of her self-determination and strong mind. Your dialogue works well. I love the tiny entrance of the widow .... seems to tell us quite a lot, yet keeps us wondering as to her further development as a character. The Doctor appears to be more 'familiar' with her than she likes. I he trying to control what she says??? Hmmm, got me guessing. I like how you present Jonathon, first cold and robot-like, then the charm and poise develops. Is he an innocent .... unlikely???? I guess we will begin to find out. :))
Great image to temper the scene. I have enjoyed the chapter immensely. Really all chapters could be sixers. I like the style you write in this story.
A few nits:-
"I (knew)new Dad was a night owl .."
" ...warm demeanor (came)/come .."
Just how I want you to (feel)/fell...J...B
Great work. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
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" ...certificate filed (filled) out and ..."
"Your (You're)carting him off ..."
Hi Mikey
Really on the ball, your writing is so skilled in this chapter. All the necessaries, yet told with interest and entertainment. Developing your Detective well, the reader has a good idea of her self-determination and strong mind. Your dialogue works well. I love the tiny entrance of the widow .... seems to tell us quite a lot, yet keeps us wondering as to her further development as a character. The Doctor appears to be more 'familiar' with her than she likes. I he trying to control what she says??? Hmmm, got me guessing. I like how you present Jonathon, first cold and robot-like, then the charm and poise develops. Is he an innocent .... unlikely???? I guess we will begin to find out. :))
Great image to temper the scene. I have enjoyed the chapter immensely. Really all chapters could be sixers. I like the style you write in this story.
A few nits:-
"I (knew)new Dad was a night owl .."
" ...warm demeanor (came)/come .."
Just how I want you to (feel)/fell...J...B
Great work. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
Comment from Sankey
Good chapter as always mate. I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for the great detail on the personalities. Just a comment not a spag ok.
"Your face will freeze like that."
Funny thing I only just said that to someone the other day I know I did it on my Podiatrist's son's photo on Face Book you looking over my shoulder again mate
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Good chapter as always mate. I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for the great detail on the personalities. Just a comment not a spag ok.
"Your face will freeze like that."
Funny thing I only just said that to someone the other day I know I did it on my Podiatrist's son's photo on Face Book you looking over my shoulder again mate
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
Comment from seaglass
A very understandable chapter that uses the opportunity of the detective's questioning to give description of the family members. The description of actions, facial expressions and behavior is very good and necessary to make the reader feel that she is in the room. Good writing Mikey.
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A very understandable chapter that uses the opportunity of the detective's questioning to give description of the family members. The description of actions, facial expressions and behavior is very good and necessary to make the reader feel that she is in the room. Good writing Mikey.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
Comment from ravenblack
I hope that you feature the Bard more in this book. What would be interesting is if you have the Bard conduct his own investigation parallel to Tenaya's, even have him question suspects in verse. Just one question- why are the police on the scene? Did someone call suspecting foul play? It appears that he died of natural causes. Procedurally, I do not think the police would be on the scene unless they were summoned and had suspicion of foul play.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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I hope that you feature the Bard more in this book. What would be interesting is if you have the Bard conduct his own investigation parallel to Tenaya's, even have him question suspects in verse. Just one question- why are the police on the scene? Did someone call suspecting foul play? It appears that he died of natural causes. Procedurally, I do not think the police would be on the scene unless they were summoned and had suspicion of foul play.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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That's a good point. In California, a 911 call brings the police regardless of the situation. Since it was a sudden and unexpected death it would have at least a rudimentary investigation. The prominence would bring out the media and it would grow into something larger. When one of our clients died here the cops were here basically standing around for five hours waiting for the coroner. They did an investigation and were pretty much in cop mode at first. Good point though, the killer would have to consider that. Who made the call, etc. Fortunately the Pacific Ocean is already 25 miles away!! mikey
Comment from Tatarka2
I do think this story has real possibilities. Right now, it feels a bit like the board game, "Clue." It's very well-told and formatted. Dialogue is realistic and the characters are interesting and presented in a way that "shows" the reader, for the most part, who they are by telling us what they do, or are thinking. In the case of the Detective, this is working well, so far. I'm intrigued to see what will happen and what you'll make of the homeless character, Harpster. There are so many possibilities - -
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I do think this story has real possibilities. Right now, it feels a bit like the board game, "Clue." It's very well-told and formatted. Dialogue is realistic and the characters are interesting and presented in a way that "shows" the reader, for the most part, who they are by telling us what they do, or are thinking. In the case of the Detective, this is working well, so far. I'm intrigued to see what will happen and what you'll make of the homeless character, Harpster. There are so many possibilities - -
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
In the beginning you said Jr. strolled up to the detective and later you said he remained seated.
You describe the cast of characters very well and are slowly drawing us in to the mystery. Good job. Nancy
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In the beginning you said Jr. strolled up to the detective and later you said he remained seated.
You describe the cast of characters very well and are slowly drawing us in to the mystery. Good job. Nancy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now this sounds as if it is going to get really intriguing, I love a good, 'who dunnit' story. I can normally guess by the time I am half way through a book and that is without looking at the last page! The characters have been well described and the plot has formed beautifully. xsx Sandra
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Now this sounds as if it is going to get really intriguing, I love a good, 'who dunnit' story. I can normally guess by the time I am half way through a book and that is without looking at the last page! The characters have been well described and the plot has formed beautifully. xsx Sandra
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. It will have to bounce around. It is a murder investigation You have to know the pass of everyone who was in contact with the victim. It will be doubly hard without contact with the body. Great work.
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I love the story. It will have to bounce around. It is a murder investigation You have to know the pass of everyone who was in contact with the victim. It will be doubly hard without contact with the body. Great work.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014