The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "INTERLUDE IN THE THORNS AND GOBLETS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
23 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Whoops! They've got themselves into a bit of a mess. Nice attention to detail with the singers failed attempt to build interest.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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Whoops! They've got themselves into a bit of a mess. Nice attention to detail with the singers failed attempt to build interest.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Alex. Good, this is the intro of the profue brothers and Zurn.
Comment from judy.gordon
Excellent writing. Great imagery. I enjoyed the bar brawl. You used appropriate dialogue for a bar scene. I loved the image of the chubby waitress. The card game seemed so real. I am anxious to read more of your writing.
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Excellent writing. Great imagery. I enjoyed the bar brawl. You used appropriate dialogue for a bar scene. I loved the image of the chubby waitress. The card game seemed so real. I am anxious to read more of your writing.
Comment Written 28-May-2014
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Ohhhhh, Judy, am I anxious to have you read more of my writing. I'll be posting them more frequently now. In fact there's another one I posted today. I've had to lop off most of the chapters in the middle and do two postings. If I want to get the fool thing published before I'm 80, I'm gonna have to get crackin'! Do you know what! Wheeeee! I just noticed you gave me 6 stars! Whoa! STOP ME! THE EXCLAMATION POINTS KEEP POPPING OUT! Seriously, Thanks. And, welcome aboard.
Comment from JavaJunkie
I do so love good, clean writing.
- amusing and illustrative: lifted in not-too-melodious song
- great imagery here: That was confirmed when the younger, plumper of the two, caught sight of us and wove around the tables to get to ours.
- your description of the bar was interesting and made me feel I could really see the game and the guy passed out....nicely done
- great bar brawl scene...the action moved quickly at just the right pace...I could see some of those punches in my minds eye:)
Another great chapter!
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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I do so love good, clean writing.
- amusing and illustrative: lifted in not-too-melodious song
- great imagery here: That was confirmed when the younger, plumper of the two, caught sight of us and wove around the tables to get to ours.
- your description of the bar was interesting and made me feel I could really see the game and the guy passed out....nicely done
- great bar brawl scene...the action moved quickly at just the right pace...I could see some of those punches in my minds eye:)
Another great chapter!
Comment Written 27-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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What a wonderful review, JavaJunkie. I hope this means you will be back to sample another chapter now and again.
Comment from comanalbert
A lot of hard name to pronounce, but you wrote a very good chapter that captures your attention until the end. A description of the characters helped. I have enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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A lot of hard name to pronounce, but you wrote a very good chapter that captures your attention until the end. A description of the characters helped. I have enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 27-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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Thank you so much for reading the chapter. Hope you give the next one a chance.
Comment from adewpearl
I'm laughing because I must admit I've looked at that scanning bar more than once before deciding whether to read LOL
averted eyes, smiling weakly - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the spoken conversation, which is good, natural-sounding dialogue
excellent descriptions of setting and characters
You have a most engaging narrative style
Brooke
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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I'm laughing because I must admit I've looked at that scanning bar more than once before deciding whether to read LOL
averted eyes, smiling weakly - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the spoken conversation, which is good, natural-sounding dialogue
excellent descriptions of setting and characters
You have a most engaging narrative style
Brooke
Comment Written 27-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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Oh, Brooke, you don't know how much it means to receive these kind words from you. Thank you, and I hope to have you drop by again. Oh, and, yes, I'm the biggest offender at comparing the scan bars size with the number of Member Bucks and/or member cent pumps. That's because I, like you, take reviewing seriously. It takes time, and I also need to consider the "cost" of writing, editing and promoting my own stuff. Again, thank you, Brooke!
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
So the action continues. A good chapter (or section of it), The story keeps on moving forward nicely.
Found a window in the schedule, a crack in time, so here are a few suggestions:
--I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three--at least tell him right now.
>>I think that if you start with "two" and then progress to "three" yet both have nothing in common, the numeric progression attracts too much attention to itself ... too much. I would change this, probably work on "about the three..."
--Everyone turned to look at us.
>>The people in the room turned to look at us.<<
I would use this opportunity to place your characters in a setting.
If you do the above, then correct:
--I let my eyes roam the room.
>>I let my eyes roam. <<
--only two females
>>only two were female<<
--She started to turn to leave when Klasco added: "And, where can we eat?"
>>She started to turn to leave, when Klasco added: "And, where can we eat?"<<
--Four tables were occupied by lone drinkers. Three were actually drinking. One was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.
>>Four tables were occupied by lone drinkers. Three were actually drinking because one was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.<<
--There were some empty tables and beyond them, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out
>>Beyond some empty tables, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out <<
--The Tavern maid brought our ale and the two menus and I noticed she gave Klasco a troubled look.
>>Awkward with the two "and" ...
--Those that don't like it hate it.
>>Those that don't like it, hate it. <<
--Did this Klevin recognize Klasco as one of the Council of Twelve? Or was "Council" used like "capital or "County Seat?"
>>Does this Klevin recognize Klasco as one of the Council of Twelve? Or is "Council" used like "capital or "County Seat?" <<
This is a direct thought, so it should be in present tense.
--and I'm sure some of the flesh beneath it,
Flesh? That's a bit hard. How about:
and I'm sure some of the hairs beneath it, <<
--He landed face-first on the floor with the rest of his body collapsing in a heap.
Although it's obvious, I would still use:
>>Klevin landed face-first on the floor with the rest of his body collapsing in a heap.<<
Good way to end this section, just as it's going to get really hairy. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
So the action continues. A good chapter (or section of it), The story keeps on moving forward nicely.
Found a window in the schedule, a crack in time, so here are a few suggestions:
--I was of two minds whether I should tell Klasco about the three--at least tell him right now.
>>I think that if you start with "two" and then progress to "three" yet both have nothing in common, the numeric progression attracts too much attention to itself ... too much. I would change this, probably work on "about the three..."
--Everyone turned to look at us.
>>The people in the room turned to look at us.<<
I would use this opportunity to place your characters in a setting.
If you do the above, then correct:
--I let my eyes roam the room.
>>I let my eyes roam. <<
--only two females
>>only two were female<<
--She started to turn to leave when Klasco added: "And, where can we eat?"
>>She started to turn to leave, when Klasco added: "And, where can we eat?"<<
--Four tables were occupied by lone drinkers. Three were actually drinking. One was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.
>>Four tables were occupied by lone drinkers. Three were actually drinking because one was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.<<
--There were some empty tables and beyond them, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out
>>Beyond some empty tables, in a far, shadowed corner, two of the three men we had almost had a falling out <<
--The Tavern maid brought our ale and the two menus and I noticed she gave Klasco a troubled look.
>>Awkward with the two "and" ...
--Those that don't like it hate it.
>>Those that don't like it, hate it. <<
--Did this Klevin recognize Klasco as one of the Council of Twelve? Or was "Council" used like "capital or "County Seat?"
>>Does this Klevin recognize Klasco as one of the Council of Twelve? Or is "Council" used like "capital or "County Seat?" <<
This is a direct thought, so it should be in present tense.
--and I'm sure some of the flesh beneath it,
Flesh? That's a bit hard. How about:
and I'm sure some of the hairs beneath it, <<
--He landed face-first on the floor with the rest of his body collapsing in a heap.
Although it's obvious, I would still use:
>>Klevin landed face-first on the floor with the rest of his body collapsing in a heap.<<
Good way to end this section, just as it's going to get really hairy. Well done.
Comment Written 26-May-2014
reply by the author on 26-May-2014
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Some cogent points, as I knew there would be. I want to go back now and de-convolute the sentence about the table in the shadows. Much of the rest I'll mull over later, as you do when you are ready for the massive edit. Thanks, Leo.
Comment from Tina McKala
I loved your description of the music and the lyrics. This was a different chapter from the previous ones, while the others were somewhat dreamy, this one felt so mundane :) I guess drunk men are same no matter where they live :) very well written and can't wait to see how are they going to solve this situation.
a few minor suggestions:
I casually let my eyes roam the room // delete "casually" - no need for this adverb in this case
As I watched her leave I continued to look around the room. // If he was watching her, he couldn't be looking around the room
I thanked her and when she left my eyes quickly glanced, without lighting on, the table in the shadows // this sentence sounded a bit strange to me
I saw from the commotion the tankard had probably... // consider describing the scene without using words "I saw"
Or was "Council" used like "c[C]apital["] or "County Seat?" // missing ["] and should capital be Capital?
reply by the author on 26-May-2014
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I loved your description of the music and the lyrics. This was a different chapter from the previous ones, while the others were somewhat dreamy, this one felt so mundane :) I guess drunk men are same no matter where they live :) very well written and can't wait to see how are they going to solve this situation.
a few minor suggestions:
I casually let my eyes roam the room // delete "casually" - no need for this adverb in this case
As I watched her leave I continued to look around the room. // If he was watching her, he couldn't be looking around the room
I thanked her and when she left my eyes quickly glanced, without lighting on, the table in the shadows // this sentence sounded a bit strange to me
I saw from the commotion the tankard had probably... // consider describing the scene without using words "I saw"
Or was "Council" used like "c[C]apital["] or "County Seat?" // missing ["] and should capital be Capital?
Comment Written 26-May-2014
reply by the author on 26-May-2014
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Good catches all! The changes made. I capitalized (or should have) Council when it referred to a specific one: Council of Twelve. Tina, don't leave FS until my novel has completed posting!!! You're gonna have to wait until June before I can slip you a "thumbs up" reviewer recommendation. It's on my list.
Comment from JB Lynn
I'll be the first to agree with you that their behavior was worthy of being--uh, corrected.
-This made me laugh. I love the subtle humor you work into your stories.
"It seemed that everyone turned to look at us." - Couldn't you just say "Everyone turned to look at us." Not only is it a stronger sentence, but since we're in the main character's POV, anyway, we'll assume that maybe not everyone turned around, but to him, at least, it seemed like they did.
Three were actually drinking. One was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.
-Terrific details
Loved the way you described the beginning of the tavern brawl, though I'm worried it's not going to end so well for Doctrex and Klasco.
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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I'll be the first to agree with you that their behavior was worthy of being--uh, corrected.
-This made me laugh. I love the subtle humor you work into your stories.
"It seemed that everyone turned to look at us." - Couldn't you just say "Everyone turned to look at us." Not only is it a stronger sentence, but since we're in the main character's POV, anyway, we'll assume that maybe not everyone turned around, but to him, at least, it seemed like they did.
Three were actually drinking. One was passed out with his face pressed against the table top.
-Terrific details
Loved the way you described the beginning of the tavern brawl, though I'm worried it's not going to end so well for Doctrex and Klasco.
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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I'm going right in to change that sentence. I agree with you 100 percent. As one of my frequent reviewers told me about Doctrex's and Klasco's fate: "But there're only 7 of them. They'll be okay."
Thank you so much for stopping by again and reading.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Jay,
I like the final bit of dialogue - quite poignant.
The length is just right.
A good write. Perhaps some misplaced commas - otherwise, very well done.
Hope you've had a great weekend.
Sonali :)
on the way to the tavern(,) I took a calming breath and told Klasco
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
I like the final bit of dialogue - quite poignant.
The length is just right.
A good write. Perhaps some misplaced commas - otherwise, very well done.
Hope you've had a great weekend.
Sonali :)
on the way to the tavern(,) I took a calming breath and told Klasco
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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Thank you, Sonali. Much appreciated. Those commas will be the death of me yet. There are only a few absolute rules about commas and those are the ones I tend to violate.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I wanted to wait until today to give this the proper six stars it deserves. Absolutely wonderful writing. And this is just in time for the BOM contest. I hope to see your entry there! Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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I wanted to wait until today to give this the proper six stars it deserves. Absolutely wonderful writing. And this is just in time for the BOM contest. I hope to see your entry there! Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 25-May-2014
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What an incredibly kind gesture, Bev. Both your 6 star rating, which I adore, and your wishes for the BOM. I'm just so privileged to have you around chapter after chapter. You are really appreciated.
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You're very welcome, Jay. It's always a pleasure to read a good writer like yourself.
:) Bev