Jose's Paycheck
...will the embezzler get caught?36 total reviews
Comment from EverInParadise
This is really good. I see that it finished well in the contest. You do a good job of keeping the character focus. Lots interesting people surrounding the main character. I caught the place where you referred to the women as girls. Puts them in a certain light that supports they were not mature workers.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is really good. I see that it finished well in the contest. You do a good job of keeping the character focus. Lots interesting people surrounding the main character. I caught the place where you referred to the women as girls. Puts them in a certain light that supports they were not mature workers.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi there;
thank you so much for the wonderful review of this piece. I was so happy to see it place in the contest. (It was the first time I was able to make an impact in a site-sponsored contest.)
I appreciate your support of my work,
~patty~
Comment from dragonpoet
This is well written with good background and character development. The two women seemed to deserve being fired a long time ago and Michael will finally be found out by the new employees. Or maybe he will stop what he's doing and become clean. I doubt it.
In describing Janet's messy desk you typed desko instead of desk.
Congrats on placing in the contest.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is well written with good background and character development. The two women seemed to deserve being fired a long time ago and Michael will finally be found out by the new employees. Or maybe he will stop what he's doing and become clean. I doubt it.
In describing Janet's messy desk you typed desko instead of desk.
Congrats on placing in the contest.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 20-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
'al desko' means 'at desk,' and is an actual word
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You're welcome, Patty. I just never saw al desko before so I thought is was a mistake or made up. I guess it is like al fresco.
Joan
Comment from Wendy Winter
I usually would not associate with a character like Michael for reasons of personal bias but for some reason I like him. Must have to do with your clever writing. I was not bored a second while reading and am looking forward to reading more. I remember the times in my life when I had secrets to keep. What a terrible feeling and you captured it so well. Thank you.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I usually would not associate with a character like Michael for reasons of personal bias but for some reason I like him. Must have to do with your clever writing. I was not bored a second while reading and am looking forward to reading more. I remember the times in my life when I had secrets to keep. What a terrible feeling and you captured it so well. Thank you.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from frierajac
Very well written and quite interesting. Only recently have I met one of these
persons, a forensic accountant. The characterization is well done. The
reader can just see this character with his self centered thought patterns going around in his head.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Very well written and quite interesting. Only recently have I met one of these
persons, a forensic accountant. The characterization is well done. The
reader can just see this character with his self centered thought patterns going around in his head.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Thesis
Who would have seen that coming. I enjoyed the story and the fact that the embezzler thought he was safe. Forensic accounting is a wonderful thing. His worst dreams becoming reality. Karma's a bitch, LOL.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Who would have seen that coming. I enjoyed the story and the fact that the embezzler thought he was safe. Forensic accounting is a wonderful thing. His worst dreams becoming reality. Karma's a bitch, LOL.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very nice work on this story. I enjoy your writing, but I felt you put some extraneous information (some bordered on an information dump) into the story. Like how people thought he was gay? His parents death? I don't know, maybe you were just trying to paint his introversion/ isolation as his reason for stealing.
well compensated--I believe it's well-compensated
"How's ya doing Mikey?"--How ya doing- may just be a colloquial thing
She input data full of errors, --inputted, since it's past tense.
Overall, I enjoyed it, and eventually, they will catch him. They always do.
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Very nice work on this story. I enjoy your writing, but I felt you put some extraneous information (some bordered on an information dump) into the story. Like how people thought he was gay? His parents death? I don't know, maybe you were just trying to paint his introversion/ isolation as his reason for stealing.
well compensated--I believe it's well-compensated
"How's ya doing Mikey?"--How ya doing- may just be a colloquial thing
She input data full of errors, --inputted, since it's past tense.
Overall, I enjoyed it, and eventually, they will catch him. They always do.
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Hi Russell; thank you for such a thoughtful and concise review.
I made the changes you suggested, but only after making sure 'inputted' was really a word. It just feels so awkward.
As far as the information dump, I really wanted to build the characterization to the limits. The part about how people thought he was gay, was to emphasize the prissy way he walks, talks, and carries himself. The death of his parents was to reinforce his singular existence. So, yes, I was trying to paint the overall nature of this man.
Thank you so much for making me think through the piece, again. Your comments helped me to see my portrayal through another lens.
~patty~
Comment from trumby
I'm a lawn-mower/handyman/landscape gardener and I'm surprised. There must be some really big companies of that nature in USA. The biggest ones over here probably have about 20 employees. The rest are contractors. To have one that big is really impressive.
This is very well written.
I'm afraid that I haven't got the qualifications to pick holes in your punctuation, grammar or sentence structure. I just know that I enjoyed the story.
I'm afraid my qualification is a PHD from the School Of Hard Knocks.
PHD (Post Hole Digger)
Cheers, Trumby
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I'm a lawn-mower/handyman/landscape gardener and I'm surprised. There must be some really big companies of that nature in USA. The biggest ones over here probably have about 20 employees. The rest are contractors. To have one that big is really impressive.
This is very well written.
I'm afraid that I haven't got the qualifications to pick holes in your punctuation, grammar or sentence structure. I just know that I enjoyed the story.
I'm afraid my qualification is a PHD from the School Of Hard Knocks.
PHD (Post Hole Digger)
Cheers, Trumby
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from BOO ghost
BOO's favorite paragraph: Entertaining read. An aspiring writer, Michael enjoyed buying himself a new computer every year, and the latest and greatest software. As a member of several online writing sites, he didn't need to worry himself with reviewing the work of others to earn silly points or fake member dollars, he had enough income to promote his work with real money. Posting several stories, a week, he was highly ranked and followed by many other writers. He enjoyed his 'work' at home, much more than the black and white world of numbers. Many of his stories featured a character named Jose, and he was always on some strange and wondrous adventure.
Wish BOO had a nugget. Sorry. Get you next time.
BOO-tastic!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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BOO's favorite paragraph: Entertaining read. An aspiring writer, Michael enjoyed buying himself a new computer every year, and the latest and greatest software. As a member of several online writing sites, he didn't need to worry himself with reviewing the work of others to earn silly points or fake member dollars, he had enough income to promote his work with real money. Posting several stories, a week, he was highly ranked and followed by many other writers. He enjoyed his 'work' at home, much more than the black and white world of numbers. Many of his stories featured a character named Jose, and he was always on some strange and wondrous adventure.
Wish BOO had a nugget. Sorry. Get you next time.
BOO-tastic!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi Boo; I am always willing to take a virtual six, ******
Thank you so much for your time to read this lengthy piece and for your kind words,
~patty~
Comment from Dan Sparks
As he placed the filter in the basket and measured the coffee, he prepared the first morning's brew. - Instead:
He placed the filter in the basket, measured the coffee, and pushed the brew button.
By placing the filter and measuring the coffee he is already preparing the coffee, it's repetitious.
"How's ya doing Mikey?" - Did you mean to say How's?
"From where I sit in Accounts Payable, I'd say you'll do fine. Your reports are all bound and nice and neat - Maybe instead say "bound, nice and neat." Seems like an unnecessary 'and'.
If you didn't spend so much time talking and gossiping with the other clerks, maybe you could get your work done in a timely manner. - Need to italicize the 'could', the rest of the sentence is italicized.
Her cubicle was jammed with overflowing piles of unfiled invoices, and her desk was littered with half full coffee cups, junk food wrappers and bent paper clips. - Just my preference, but I like Oxford commas "junk food wrappers, and bent paper clips.
One of the luxuries of needing some privacy to do his sensitive work, was the four walls he had to himself. - No comma needed
They were now working with the boutique firm, Michael, himself, had interned for during this last year of college. - Remove the himself and the comma's. They were now working with the boutique firm that Michael had interned with during his last year of college.
Though qualified to work as a Controller or Comptroller, after working temporary jobs at several different accounting firms after college, Michael decided he wanted to find a spot in a payroll department. - Seems like a run on sentence. Michael was qualified to work as a Controller or Comptroller. However, after working temp jobs at several firms he decided he wanted a job in the payroll department.
Just reading through the rest there seem to be a few run on sentences with multiple comma's. I'd split some of those sentences up and remove unnecessary words.
I enjoyed the story so far, seems like a good beginning. Maybe show him more of a nervous wreck. He seems fairly calm and cool for someone who is pulling off an elaborate theft.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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As he placed the filter in the basket and measured the coffee, he prepared the first morning's brew. - Instead:
He placed the filter in the basket, measured the coffee, and pushed the brew button.
By placing the filter and measuring the coffee he is already preparing the coffee, it's repetitious.
"How's ya doing Mikey?" - Did you mean to say How's?
"From where I sit in Accounts Payable, I'd say you'll do fine. Your reports are all bound and nice and neat - Maybe instead say "bound, nice and neat." Seems like an unnecessary 'and'.
If you didn't spend so much time talking and gossiping with the other clerks, maybe you could get your work done in a timely manner. - Need to italicize the 'could', the rest of the sentence is italicized.
Her cubicle was jammed with overflowing piles of unfiled invoices, and her desk was littered with half full coffee cups, junk food wrappers and bent paper clips. - Just my preference, but I like Oxford commas "junk food wrappers, and bent paper clips.
One of the luxuries of needing some privacy to do his sensitive work, was the four walls he had to himself. - No comma needed
They were now working with the boutique firm, Michael, himself, had interned for during this last year of college. - Remove the himself and the comma's. They were now working with the boutique firm that Michael had interned with during his last year of college.
Though qualified to work as a Controller or Comptroller, after working temporary jobs at several different accounting firms after college, Michael decided he wanted to find a spot in a payroll department. - Seems like a run on sentence. Michael was qualified to work as a Controller or Comptroller. However, after working temp jobs at several firms he decided he wanted a job in the payroll department.
Just reading through the rest there seem to be a few run on sentences with multiple comma's. I'd split some of those sentences up and remove unnecessary words.
I enjoyed the story so far, seems like a good beginning. Maybe show him more of a nervous wreck. He seems fairly calm and cool for someone who is pulling off an elaborate theft.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi Dan;
thank you for your thorough and concise review.
I do appreciate your work in pointing out the nits. The dialogue is intended to have the special contractions and patterns. It IS supposed to represent the way real people talk--I've gotten many comments about how my characters talk in complete sentences, and that just doesn't happen in real life.
Again, I appreciate your review,
~patty~
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Patty. This is an incredibly good story. You had me nervous and worried about being audited the whole story. This Mike guy too, he was a great character. I also liked how you were always winding the story up until it crested and at the end when you left Mike something else to wind him up. New Employee! Great work. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi Patty. This is an incredibly good story. You had me nervous and worried about being audited the whole story. This Mike guy too, he was a great character. I also liked how you were always winding the story up until it crested and at the end when you left Mike something else to wind him up. New Employee! Great work. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi Kiwi;
thank you so much for this generous and wondrous review for this piece. I'm glad you appreciated the teases I put in place. I have challenges with writing long short stories, but the recommended length for this contest was between 2000 and 3000 words.
I'm glad you found Mike relatable. With the intent of the story to be character development, I was hoping people could see and feel him.
Thanks again,
~patty~