Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part One of Chapter 1"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
117 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
This is a good start to what promises to be a gripping tale. Bobby's character is certainly shown as distasteful and the reader can't help but be totally sympathetic to Anna. My only suggestion would be to make Bobby at least partly human and not a total beast. Everyone has good and bad qualities so he must have had some good characteristics if a nice girl like Anna fell in love with him. The most unbelievable part for me, was the paragraph that begins; "You'd better hurry. I'm starvimg." It is difficult to imagine Bobby saying "I work hard. I work repairing cars." It may have seemed like a good way to inform the reader of Bobby's work, but he wouldn't say that to his wife, who obviously knows what he does for a living. He might say something like, "Fixing beat up old cars all day is a lot tougher than you realize. I'm tired!" (I couldn't tell if he repaired the engines, or fixed dents) Also, maybe when he comes home drunk, he could be very loving and amorous, but she's disgusted because of how he's treated her earlier. Often people change when they've been drinking... becoming mean when normally nice, or the opposite.
Your addition of details in the dialogue is great. You make the reader see the story unfolding like a movie and that makes it seem more "real." You have so many good passages, too many to point out, but I could just say, I liked all of it except for the "over-the-top" portrayal of Bobby as totally horrid. No one is totally horrid all the time.
Troy Whitman was, on the other hand, a clearly believable character and in just a few lines, you managed to make the reader cheer for a relationship between Troy and Anna. You also show Anna to be kind, nurturing and sensitive. She's easy to care about. So you've done a super job of creating two very believable characters and a story that makes us want more. I look forward to reading to the end. Best wishes, MM
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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This is a good start to what promises to be a gripping tale. Bobby's character is certainly shown as distasteful and the reader can't help but be totally sympathetic to Anna. My only suggestion would be to make Bobby at least partly human and not a total beast. Everyone has good and bad qualities so he must have had some good characteristics if a nice girl like Anna fell in love with him. The most unbelievable part for me, was the paragraph that begins; "You'd better hurry. I'm starvimg." It is difficult to imagine Bobby saying "I work hard. I work repairing cars." It may have seemed like a good way to inform the reader of Bobby's work, but he wouldn't say that to his wife, who obviously knows what he does for a living. He might say something like, "Fixing beat up old cars all day is a lot tougher than you realize. I'm tired!" (I couldn't tell if he repaired the engines, or fixed dents) Also, maybe when he comes home drunk, he could be very loving and amorous, but she's disgusted because of how he's treated her earlier. Often people change when they've been drinking... becoming mean when normally nice, or the opposite.
Your addition of details in the dialogue is great. You make the reader see the story unfolding like a movie and that makes it seem more "real." You have so many good passages, too many to point out, but I could just say, I liked all of it except for the "over-the-top" portrayal of Bobby as totally horrid. No one is totally horrid all the time.
Troy Whitman was, on the other hand, a clearly believable character and in just a few lines, you managed to make the reader cheer for a relationship between Troy and Anna. You also show Anna to be kind, nurturing and sensitive. She's easy to care about. So you've done a super job of creating two very believable characters and a story that makes us want more. I look forward to reading to the end. Best wishes, MM
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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I wanted my readers to hate Bobby from the beginning. I have actually known men who behave like Bobby, but maybe I need to tone him down a little. I will consider it.
Comment from MJMuraco
Your writing is excellent. In a short time, the reader can feel the abuse that Anna is dealing with. Your description of the scene is very well done as I could picture everything very clearly.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Your writing is excellent. In a short time, the reader can feel the abuse that Anna is dealing with. Your description of the scene is very well done as I could picture everything very clearly.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Laurie Clayton
A compelling and captivating read.
I have a sense of forboding and hope all rolled into this first chapter. I really fear for Anna and Michael.
I just found it a touch confusing towards the end. One minute she's in bed wrapping the duvet around her, pretending to be asleep, then she's at the bedroom door, then she's putting his food in the microwave and the going back to bed. It almost reads as though she has teleported to each scene.
Just a personal thought.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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A compelling and captivating read.
I have a sense of forboding and hope all rolled into this first chapter. I really fear for Anna and Michael.
I just found it a touch confusing towards the end. One minute she's in bed wrapping the duvet around her, pretending to be asleep, then she's at the bedroom door, then she's putting his food in the microwave and the going back to bed. It almost reads as though she has teleported to each scene.
Just a personal thought.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I will recheck that area. I didn't know how else to move it along. I certainly can't leave her in bed forever with this man yelling at her.
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Mmm...I know what you mean. I think from the readers POV, there appears to be no reference point as to how far away the bedroom is from the kitchen/hallway. Ie: is it a single story house? Is it an apartment? In my mind, I was thinking bedroom upstairs type of scenario...I hope this clarifies where I was coming from.
Laurie.
Comment from Joseph W. Sestrich
Hello. Cheers to whatever is compelling you to write this novel. I get the feeling your developed characters will not only have a lot to say, but will impact us emotionally as well. The subject matter you have introduced us to here in the beginning of the novel is one that most are familiar with and can easily relate to. Yet, I feel as if you have some very innovative twists to inject into the story as it progresses. It is refreshing to hear your honesty about feeling nervous about posting this piece of work. Most accomplished artists of all manners continue to feel this way regardless of their performance venue.
I write poetry. I seldom read or review other forms of writing. But, that is changing. I am taking a broader approach to refining my craft. The minds of novelists work much different those those of most poets. There are things for me to learn here.
I wish you the very best in mining your thoughts to produce the treasure of personal enrichment you will gain from the continued writing of this novel. May the journey be both satisfying and rewarding.
Joseph
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Hello. Cheers to whatever is compelling you to write this novel. I get the feeling your developed characters will not only have a lot to say, but will impact us emotionally as well. The subject matter you have introduced us to here in the beginning of the novel is one that most are familiar with and can easily relate to. Yet, I feel as if you have some very innovative twists to inject into the story as it progresses. It is refreshing to hear your honesty about feeling nervous about posting this piece of work. Most accomplished artists of all manners continue to feel this way regardless of their performance venue.
I write poetry. I seldom read or review other forms of writing. But, that is changing. I am taking a broader approach to refining my craft. The minds of novelists work much different those those of most poets. There are things for me to learn here.
I wish you the very best in mining your thoughts to produce the treasure of personal enrichment you will gain from the continued writing of this novel. May the journey be both satisfying and rewarding.
Joseph
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and encouragement.
Comment from Rama Rao
It's nice to read your post the first thing in the morning. I thought you kept a pile of novels ready for publishing at this site one by one.
Don't worry. It started off well. The scene in the library is a good beginning of the novel and provides what the gurus call a hook.
Mommy will get you out of this, as soon as she can.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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It's nice to read your post the first thing in the morning. I thought you kept a pile of novels ready for publishing at this site one by one.
Don't worry. It started off well. The scene in the library is a good beginning of the novel and provides what the gurus call a hook.
Mommy will get you out of this, as soon as she can.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I usually do keep novels back, but cancer got in the way, and I didn't feel like writing. I am way behind. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a good beginning. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your character of Bobby certainly make me understand why his wife wants a divorce. No wooman should be forced to live with this sort of mental abuse but I'm afraid many of the do. I hope your treatment is going well and you'll soon be cancer free.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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This is a good beginning. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your character of Bobby certainly make me understand why his wife wants a divorce. No wooman should be forced to live with this sort of mental abuse but I'm afraid many of the do. I hope your treatment is going well and you'll soon be cancer free.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and well wishes. Too many women are trapped in these type of marriages.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb I'm glad you are posting this novel on FS.
You have a great way of showing why Anna should, somehow get rid of Bobby (I definitely don't like the way he treats and acts around her.
Gert
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Hello Barb I'm glad you are posting this novel on FS.
You have a great way of showing why Anna should, somehow get rid of Bobby (I definitely don't like the way he treats and acts around her.
Gert
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review. I am going out on a limb on this one. We shall see if I can pull it off. Maybe with all of your help, I can.
Comment from acvguard11
great job..i really enjoyed reading ...dont let others discoruage you if you love to write...do wat you love dont let others tel you off.ggreat job and keep writing...good luck
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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great job..i really enjoyed reading ...dont let others discoruage you if you love to write...do wat you love dont let others tel you off.ggreat job and keep writing...good luck
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Thank you for your kind review and words of encouragement.
Comment from Helen Tan
This theme, domestic abuse, brings this story down to earth and many readers will be able to identify with Anna's situation. You've portrayed Bobby well, he's HORRID. Dinner at 2.30 in the morning!!!!
You're off to a good start.
Damn it, woman, can't you do anything right.
Question mark.
I'll start it as soon as I change, Michael.
Remove comma. She's going to change Micheal's diaper. With the comma, it seems as if she's addressing Michael.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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This theme, domestic abuse, brings this story down to earth and many readers will be able to identify with Anna's situation. You've portrayed Bobby well, he's HORRID. Dinner at 2.30 in the morning!!!!
You're off to a good start.
Damn it, woman, can't you do anything right.
Question mark.
I'll start it as soon as I change, Michael.
Remove comma. She's going to change Micheal's diaper. With the comma, it seems as if she's addressing Michael.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I orginally didn't have a comma before Michael and was told to put if there for effect. I never know what to do with commas.
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I'm horrible with commas but in this case if you don't remove the comma, it reads as if Anaa is going to change (her clothes) and she's speaking to Michael.
But I know the frustration with commas - commas in, commas out. It's a constant cha cha cha. =D
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It's gone. I didn't understand why it should have been there to start with and it was Brooke who said it. She is usually right on.
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I think she must have mistaken Michael for the husband. It happens.
Have faith in this novel. =D
Comment from Realist101
Hi again! I am just making sure I havn't missed a chapter Barbara! I hope you are okay and feeling good! Hello to your doggies too! Love to you!! Susan
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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Hi again! I am just making sure I havn't missed a chapter Barbara! I hope you are okay and feeling good! Hello to your doggies too! Love to you!! Susan
Comment Written 06-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2011
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I understand what you are saying. Thank you for your wonderful review.