Genius in Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Genius in Love (Scene 3)"In Search of a Soul
30 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, I so admire you for embarking on this journey of yours. To me script writing is just too daunting. But you appear to master that form as well. So very well done. Mr Hallows seems to have some deep secrets. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Hi Jay, I so admire you for embarking on this journey of yours. To me script writing is just too daunting. But you appear to master that form as well. So very well done. Mr Hallows seems to have some deep secrets. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Thanks so much, Ulla! There will be more exposition of Mr. Hallows past coming up.
Comment from lancellot
Okay, I like this story and the way it is progressing. Yes, you seem to have your style with stage directions, from the actors POV. If that works for you, go with it. The readers seem to like it as well. I do have a suggestion if you want to try it. I think it may put this over the top.
Add the music. It doesn't have to be exact, but I've done it for posts before and some poets do it too. I think it would go over well here. Something to think about.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Okay, I like this story and the way it is progressing. Yes, you seem to have your style with stage directions, from the actors POV. If that works for you, go with it. The readers seem to like it as well. I do have a suggestion if you want to try it. I think it may put this over the top.
Add the music. It doesn't have to be exact, but I've done it for posts before and some poets do it too. I think it would go over well here. Something to think about.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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By adding the music, do you mean the Chopin piece mentioned in the play? Afraid I don't know how to do that. But it's worth investigating. Lance, you're giving me a huge smile with your 6 stars! Thanks, Sir.
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You welcome. Any classical piano song would do. People won't know. If you have a scaled down Mp3 version you can download it, in the editing screen.
When you get the chance, you should play around with it, maybe add something to the finale.
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Good idea, Lance. Thanks for the suggestion.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, this is quite a scene, poor Cornelius, what presumption that his photographic memory will get him in trouble because the Constitutional quiz it's not based on multiple choices. And here I was thinking that studying it's an art no matter the layout of the quiz:) Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Wow, this is quite a scene, poor Cornelius, what presumption that his photographic memory will get him in trouble because the Constitutional quiz it's not based on multiple choices. And here I was thinking that studying it's an art no matter the layout of the quiz:) Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much, Iza. I appreciate it that you've been following this play and are so supportive of it.
Comment from Ric Myworld
This is one of those times when I wish they gave us more sixes, as there never seem to be enough to go around. I give most of mine away early, and usually, to newbies to boost their confidence. Thankfully, talents like you get enough that my measly token doesn't matter so much, which I'm glad. Thanks for sharing another fine scene.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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This is one of those times when I wish they gave us more sixes, as there never seem to be enough to go around. I give most of mine away early, and usually, to newbies to boost their confidence. Thankfully, talents like you get enough that my measly token doesn't matter so much, which I'm glad. Thanks for sharing another fine scene.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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And thank you, Ric, for your always encouraging kindness. I have the same problem with sixes. Don't give it another thought!
Comment from RGstar
You have put a lot of work into this Jay.
The good always bound by some sort of organization.
''His speech is clipped, with a beat. between. each. word, as though he is forcing himself to slow the flood of experiences bubbling from inside.''
This sentence threw me a little, even if you were emphasizing his speech character. You don't want to divert the reader, thinking about obstacles, whether wrong or right.
I might use ellipses in order to highlight, if it is your meaning to.
''His speech is clipped, with a beat. Between...each...word, as though...''
or
His speech is clipped, with a beat, between each word, as though he is forcing himself to slow the flood of experiences bubbling from inside.
What do you think Jay? If that sentence stopped me, it will stop others.
But, that is a needle in a haystack, considering the quality of the work.
Well done.
Excellent work.
My best.
RG
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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You have put a lot of work into this Jay.
The good always bound by some sort of organization.
''His speech is clipped, with a beat. between. each. word, as though he is forcing himself to slow the flood of experiences bubbling from inside.''
This sentence threw me a little, even if you were emphasizing his speech character. You don't want to divert the reader, thinking about obstacles, whether wrong or right.
I might use ellipses in order to highlight, if it is your meaning to.
''His speech is clipped, with a beat. Between...each...word, as though...''
or
His speech is clipped, with a beat, between each word, as though he is forcing himself to slow the flood of experiences bubbling from inside.
What do you think Jay? If that sentence stopped me, it will stop others.
But, that is a needle in a haystack, considering the quality of the work.
Well done.
Excellent work.
My best.
RG
Comment Written 14-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Your suggestion was taken and the change made, dear RG. Thank you for that. I couldn't agree more. Your encouragement is welcomed, and my ears are always perked to any suggestion you might offer. They come from a place of wisdom and depth of experience.
Comment from Jasmine Girl
I really like this scene. Without reading the previous two scenes, which I will, I had no trouble understanding it. It held my interests and I wondered what will happen next. The description is very good and I can tell Mr. Hallows really enjoy the music played by Cornelius.
Keep writing exceptional scripts.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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I really like this scene. Without reading the previous two scenes, which I will, I had no trouble understanding it. It held my interests and I wondered what will happen next. The description is very good and I can tell Mr. Hallows really enjoy the music played by Cornelius.
Keep writing exceptional scripts.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Playwrighting is not my forte, Lisa, though I gobble up the compliments and thank you for yours. I do hope you enjoy the other two scenes. The six is lovely, thanks.
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You did a good job and you are good at it.
I have posted a new Scene for mine, too.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very interesting but complicated story. I understand from your descriptions of how this done by have the imaginary character in shadow. Would the audience be informed ahead that this person can only be see by Cornelius? I'm wondering about My Hallows dark secret. His actions show him to be odd. I'm a little surprised that the mother wouldn't be aware of he son imaginary friends, since she is so involved in his life. I anxious to read more.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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This is a very interesting but complicated story. I understand from your descriptions of how this done by have the imaginary character in shadow. Would the audience be informed ahead that this person can only be see by Cornelius? I'm wondering about My Hallows dark secret. His actions show him to be odd. I'm a little surprised that the mother wouldn't be aware of he son imaginary friends, since she is so involved in his life. I anxious to read more.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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I hope most of your questions will be answered soon, including the mother's ignorance of Pidely-Poo. The audience would catch on about the exclusivity of Cornelius's and Cililla's conversations by the fact that all but the two characters are in shadow and frozen in action, with the lights up on the two.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this section of this play. I wonder if Harrows is a icon of trouble here, or if he's just toiling with us.
His desktop has a look of controlled clutter.
(really like this image; strong setting cues throughout the scene)
...
Thoughts by here, I like the scene setting, gives a solid feel of principal and parent, with an awkward edge of the mom in a worried state, though Mr Hallows does not seem as discomforted, he seems more distracted
to a pile of sodden ash.
(Mr Hallows feels eccentric, a character with deep touches to a creative or spiritual side... head in the clouds almost.)
Mr. Hallows ... the letter?
(poor mother, she's just wanting to get to the root of her anxiety. Her child and her being there)
Constitution test.
(nice to see this test touched again, as foreshadowed earlier being important. another teacher referring to it gives a sense it is more that just the perve teachers thing.)
requirements of the State of California.
(So childish of them. : D Poor things.)
of year, that {{their students}} (their children? our students?) are being frightened by Mr. Hiney's rather the Consitution(Constitution)? test.
Cornelius passing the Constitution test.
(This brought a smile from me... your child isn't panicking... and you... aren't panicking... nobody is taking this test seriously!)
I'm being ... um ... let go, Mrs. Plumb--but that's not
(oh my. Fired. I wonder why. And it figures, as though he seems to be a bit flighty, he also seems somewhat interested in the children's well being, or at least Cornelius's.)
aspects of his or her life.
(The voices have a stage presence. I can hear their words and see them saying this on a stage, by here, I am curious what Mr. Hallows is alluding to, and feel for Mrs. Plumb, as she's likely wanting to know)
About two percent of the girls used hearts to dot their I's. (wow... two thirds. I was not one of those girls) I would have written a story about Santa's workshop getting blown up. : D )
writing evaluation purposes. That is yours.
(interesting. I wonder what he filled his pages on. I think you do very well with stringing along the threads of something happening to tug the reader into curiosity. The essay seems to have moved the principal and now his mother, why... we are not yet allowed to know)
To summarize what I'm leaving this scene with... Mr. Hallows seems to have a strong appreciation for Cornelius's capabilities. He's being led out the door to retirement, why... not super clear, but he does seem easily distracted. And for an empath, he might be a sadist, gleefully sucking at Mrs. Plumb's egerness to hear why she's there and be denied a prompt answer.
The scene gives a little crumb of answer... pointing to an essay that Corn wrote (I am not sure about the pigeon-holing girls and boys into such simplified concerns... but then again... I have no idea if it might be true to reality... as I never fit into normal kids thinking, I guess. )
The essay implies that it carries some sway, maybe it has mention of Cilli, as Piddlie-poo gets a honorary mention, but the exact info in the essay is obscured, leaving the audience to sit and stew, waiting for the next crumb to fall.
Nicely done here. I think the taunting with string of information was effective, despite my being pouty about it.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this section of this play. I wonder if Harrows is a icon of trouble here, or if he's just toiling with us.
His desktop has a look of controlled clutter.
(really like this image; strong setting cues throughout the scene)
...
Thoughts by here, I like the scene setting, gives a solid feel of principal and parent, with an awkward edge of the mom in a worried state, though Mr Hallows does not seem as discomforted, he seems more distracted
to a pile of sodden ash.
(Mr Hallows feels eccentric, a character with deep touches to a creative or spiritual side... head in the clouds almost.)
Mr. Hallows ... the letter?
(poor mother, she's just wanting to get to the root of her anxiety. Her child and her being there)
Constitution test.
(nice to see this test touched again, as foreshadowed earlier being important. another teacher referring to it gives a sense it is more that just the perve teachers thing.)
requirements of the State of California.
(So childish of them. : D Poor things.)
of year, that {{their students}} (their children? our students?) are being frightened by Mr. Hiney's rather the Consitution(Constitution)? test.
Cornelius passing the Constitution test.
(This brought a smile from me... your child isn't panicking... and you... aren't panicking... nobody is taking this test seriously!)
I'm being ... um ... let go, Mrs. Plumb--but that's not
(oh my. Fired. I wonder why. And it figures, as though he seems to be a bit flighty, he also seems somewhat interested in the children's well being, or at least Cornelius's.)
aspects of his or her life.
(The voices have a stage presence. I can hear their words and see them saying this on a stage, by here, I am curious what Mr. Hallows is alluding to, and feel for Mrs. Plumb, as she's likely wanting to know)
About two percent of the girls used hearts to dot their I's. (wow... two thirds. I was not one of those girls) I would have written a story about Santa's workshop getting blown up. : D )
writing evaluation purposes. That is yours.
(interesting. I wonder what he filled his pages on. I think you do very well with stringing along the threads of something happening to tug the reader into curiosity. The essay seems to have moved the principal and now his mother, why... we are not yet allowed to know)
To summarize what I'm leaving this scene with... Mr. Hallows seems to have a strong appreciation for Cornelius's capabilities. He's being led out the door to retirement, why... not super clear, but he does seem easily distracted. And for an empath, he might be a sadist, gleefully sucking at Mrs. Plumb's egerness to hear why she's there and be denied a prompt answer.
The scene gives a little crumb of answer... pointing to an essay that Corn wrote (I am not sure about the pigeon-holing girls and boys into such simplified concerns... but then again... I have no idea if it might be true to reality... as I never fit into normal kids thinking, I guess. )
The essay implies that it carries some sway, maybe it has mention of Cilli, as Piddlie-poo gets a honorary mention, but the exact info in the essay is obscured, leaving the audience to sit and stew, waiting for the next crumb to fall.
Nicely done here. I think the taunting with string of information was effective, despite my being pouty about it.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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{{their students}} (their children? our students?) are being frightened by Mr. Hiney's rather the Consitution(Constitution)? test. [Changed to "their children". Those were some stupid words I put in the principal's mouth, lol. Thanks for the catch.]
About stringing the reader along, I agree. And others complained about it as well, almost like I was being duplicitous, a bit of a sadist. As I explain in the forward to the next act, in an actual play, this scene and the next one would be together as one. The problem is that it would be far too long for anyone on FS to read it.
Hey, Turtle, you are so kind to have not just read and delivered your superlative comments, but to have given me a six. I'm wowed by it. THANKS!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay
You are very clever about you writing a play about a 12 year old boy who is a brilliant young boy who has a photographic memory.
Your chacters are are described very
And I like how you gave us readers a feeling we are watching a play in a school room
I see you have left us readers.
Here I am waiting for the next scene to see Cornelius did in the the test
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Hello Jay
You are very clever about you writing a play about a 12 year old boy who is a brilliant young boy who has a photographic memory.
Your chacters are are described very
And I like how you gave us readers a feeling we are watching a play in a school room
I see you have left us readers.
Here I am waiting for the next scene to see Cornelius did in the the test
Gert
Comment Written 13-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much, Gert. I so appreciate your kindness and comments.
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You are most welcome
Jay Squires
Gert
Comment from kmoss
Get to the point, Mr. Hallows! Lol. So Cornelius wrote about his imaginary friends? Shared his anxiety about how Cililla replaced Piddley-Poo?
I enjoyed the third scene! I like reading your scripts. Large shouldnâ??t be capitalized: A Large book, probably a dictionary, to
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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Get to the point, Mr. Hallows! Lol. So Cornelius wrote about his imaginary friends? Shared his anxiety about how Cililla replaced Piddley-Poo?
I enjoyed the third scene! I like reading your scripts. Large shouldnâ??t be capitalized: A Large book, probably a dictionary, to
Comment Written 13-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2021
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I know how that capital L happened. Grammarly hates abbreviated sentences. I had written it without the "A" and kept getting dinged by Grammarly with an annoying red line under "Large". When I caved and added the "A" I forgot to lower case the Large. TMI?? To be honest with you, I don't know yet what the assignment was about. It was written before Cililla came on the scene, but during a time he was definitely missing Pidely-Poo.
Thank you so much for the sixer, my dear! Always appreciated.
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Sure, Jay, blame Grammarly. Lol. I feel your pain!