Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 8"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
22 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
I'll have to admit that I wasn't as pleased with this chapter as the others. I was immediately put off by the graphics of the birth and adoption certificates that look more like awards than legal forms. I would much rather have a narrative/dialogue of them perusing notarized documents for pertinent information like place of birth and witnesses. I also think you could benefit from more narrative and descriptions of people as they are talking; perhaps even more inner thoughts -- though you'd have to be careful with point of view.
Notes:
A voice calling from the other room interrupted Allie. -- Suggest: Allie, paused, interrupted by a voice calling from the other room. (What other room? Foyer?)
They both turned toward the study door as Cynthia, Liz's closest neighbor, charged through the study door, -- delete second "study door," replace with "in"
Cynthia turned and stretched her arms to hug her friend. -- were they really friends? Liz's cool response would imply "neighbor," something that was something she couldn't control.
leaving her other visitors outside the study. -- I'd like to know if they're in a hall, foyer, or whatever.
The man standing next to him with Stetson in hand was Jeremy. -- telling. Just describe Jeremy with hat in hand, don't name him. The only one who would recognize him as Jeremy would be Allie.
I guess I'm more of the rough and ride'em cowboy." -- not thrilled with the turn of phrase
My mom named every one of her girls -- this is confusing -- "named every one of her rose bushes ... called 'em her girls, thorns and all. (?)
newest edition to the winery. ==> addition to OR edition from
"Go get Liz's guests the beverages and meet us in the vineyard. It will be safer to talk there."
"Or maybe we should let her stew. After all, she is an investigative reporter. Neither of us is to be trusted, according to her. -- would help to identify speakers from above two comments. Also, the direct order seems a little harsh.
"I guess I can't deny that -- delete "I guess" -- not necessary and Hank guessed just above.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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I'll have to admit that I wasn't as pleased with this chapter as the others. I was immediately put off by the graphics of the birth and adoption certificates that look more like awards than legal forms. I would much rather have a narrative/dialogue of them perusing notarized documents for pertinent information like place of birth and witnesses. I also think you could benefit from more narrative and descriptions of people as they are talking; perhaps even more inner thoughts -- though you'd have to be careful with point of view.
Notes:
A voice calling from the other room interrupted Allie. -- Suggest: Allie, paused, interrupted by a voice calling from the other room. (What other room? Foyer?)
They both turned toward the study door as Cynthia, Liz's closest neighbor, charged through the study door, -- delete second "study door," replace with "in"
Cynthia turned and stretched her arms to hug her friend. -- were they really friends? Liz's cool response would imply "neighbor," something that was something she couldn't control.
leaving her other visitors outside the study. -- I'd like to know if they're in a hall, foyer, or whatever.
The man standing next to him with Stetson in hand was Jeremy. -- telling. Just describe Jeremy with hat in hand, don't name him. The only one who would recognize him as Jeremy would be Allie.
I guess I'm more of the rough and ride'em cowboy." -- not thrilled with the turn of phrase
My mom named every one of her girls -- this is confusing -- "named every one of her rose bushes ... called 'em her girls, thorns and all. (?)
newest edition to the winery. ==> addition to OR edition from
"Go get Liz's guests the beverages and meet us in the vineyard. It will be safer to talk there."
"Or maybe we should let her stew. After all, she is an investigative reporter. Neither of us is to be trusted, according to her. -- would help to identify speakers from above two comments. Also, the direct order seems a little harsh.
"I guess I can't deny that -- delete "I guess" -- not necessary and Hank guessed just above.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning!
Nice call with your suggestions this morning. I believe I have adjusted to what your thoughts were. I assumed (my writing error) that since Hank, Liz, and Allie had walked from the front room into the study and also that Hank had entered the house directly into the front room, the layout would be understood. But I made the change, so it reminds the reader where they are standing. Because not everyone looks at the picture the same way I do.
Thanks again for rattling my brain, so I take another look at what I am writing and how others see it. Sometimes I think my vision is already on the page when it clearly is not.
Appreciate the help.... Smiles, Carol
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It's very easy to get lost in the story as you move at breakneck speed. I hope you are doing better today. I've been busy around here "arranging" and "dealing with" stuff. It's a little mentally taxing so I haven't had much energy for FanStory. But, I'll catch up.
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Today is Johnny's birthday and we are suppose to be going to a buffet (Johnny likes the all you can eat) LOL. Supposedly. Corrie and her family will be there. I know I won't get any private time with Kaitlyn, but at least I will be able to see her.
When is Whip's surgery? Is everything set for that to happen?
Sending many hugs and smiles, Carol
Comment from Patty Palmer
Another good chapter of your book. I'm anxious to see how these guys know each other and figure out what their game plan is. Good job! Keep on writing!
Patty
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Another good chapter of your book. I'm anxious to see how these guys know each other and figure out what their game plan is. Good job! Keep on writing!
Patty
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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If you are referring to Hank and Garth (Jeremy) they worked together in my last two books.... it's kind of a sequel I guess. I am glad that you enjoyed the story.
Smiles, Carol
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I thought that the cowboy seemed familiar. Very cool to be writing a sequel as such. I've always enjoyed books that carried characters into the next stories. You get to know them and look forward to what they are going to be doing next.
Patty
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Captivating--you are a master of dialog and description! The characters you conjure never fail to amaze me--they seem so real! Twist after twist keeps me enthralled.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Captivating--you are a master of dialog and description! The characters you conjure never fail to amaze me--they seem so real! Twist after twist keeps me enthralled.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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You've made my morning...
I am thrilled when people enjoy my different characters and see them as individuals (not just a means to the end). And yes the twists and turns are what I love as well.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from lyenochka
But isn't Garth married? He's awfully close to starting something with Allie. Was it wise to let Allie in on their relationship with each other? Hope she won't mind after she learns their real motive. By the way, aren't librarians the good guys but this Cynthia character is not to be trusted - especially imposing on Liz in her current fragile state of mind.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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But isn't Garth married? He's awfully close to starting something with Allie. Was it wise to let Allie in on their relationship with each other? Hope she won't mind after she learns their real motive. By the way, aren't librarians the good guys but this Cynthia character is not to be trusted - especially imposing on Liz in her current fragile state of mind.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Oh my, dear Helen...
You know me...I never write as one would expect. He hasn't told Allie yet, but his wife Katherine (who had cancer) passed away a year ago. This is his first time of flirting (well, Nancy can't count lol).
you will learn soon why they are going to explain more to Allie (besides the fact that she catches on to things way to fast). As for Cynthia... you can't judge a book by it's cover.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
Again, the plot is developing well. The girls have a big job knowing who to trust, for sure. It's quite a gripping story, and I am sure it will become even more do with each new chapter.
Small typo I noticed: 'newest addition to the vineyard' (not 'edition')
Thanks for sharing. It's a good read!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Again, the plot is developing well. The girls have a big job knowing who to trust, for sure. It's quite a gripping story, and I am sure it will become even more do with each new chapter.
Small typo I noticed: 'newest addition to the vineyard' (not 'edition')
Thanks for sharing. It's a good read!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Wendy... (well, Evening for you)
Thanks for catching my error...(I hate auto correct) or maybe it was just my malfunctioning brain's dictionary... One never knows! LOl Thank you for enjoying the story....
Smiles, Carol
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My pleasure. Glad to help. I am enjoying the story with its complexity, and it is clearly and well written.
Comment from BethShelby
Nicely written chapter. It seems Cynthia and her nephew weren't exactly welcome guests. I guess people assume because her husband is the dead the vineyard will be up for sale. Garth seems quite taken with Allie and she is pretty excited about him.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Nicely written chapter. It seems Cynthia and her nephew weren't exactly welcome guests. I guess people assume because her husband is the dead the vineyard will be up for sale. Garth seems quite taken with Allie and she is pretty excited about him.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Beth... Yes, it appears sparks are flying...but one never knows what "monkey wrench" can get in there way. Garth's heart is fragile after the loss of his wife from cancer.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from justafan
One of my new favorite storylines. Glad I was in from the beginning.
You're such a talent! Not to mention a beautiful person.
Thank you for sharing
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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One of my new favorite storylines. Glad I was in from the beginning.
You're such a talent! Not to mention a beautiful person.
Thank you for sharing
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Missy
Thank you for being so kind... not only for the story but to me. I really appreciate it and your "pick me ups" always seem to touch me at the right time. I too hope you enjoy the story...at times the unexpected will shock and at other times we will most likely cheer.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Carol Clark2
Lots of interesting developments and details in this segment. Nice touch with the birth certificate and adoption notice. We will wonder about those for a while, I'm guessing. Good dialogue to move the story forward. Blessings. Carol
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Lots of interesting developments and details in this segment. Nice touch with the birth certificate and adoption notice. We will wonder about those for a while, I'm guessing. Good dialogue to move the story forward. Blessings. Carol
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Carol
I seem to do much better with dialogue these days than all the descriptive stuff. It use to be the other way around and I would get carried away describing the day, the surroundings, etc. Now I need to find a happy blend.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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Dialogue gives insight to a character's thoughts and intentions, without having to tell the reader. Yes, a happy blend is good. You're doing well.
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Thank you..
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, I love this paragraph so witty : ""Yes, she is... I mean the rose garden, of course. My mom named every one of her girls... thorns and all. But I should get back to town."
You think I have thorns. You haven't seen anything yet.
A flutter of butterflies tickled Allie's stomach. All she could do was manage a smile." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Wow, I love this paragraph so witty : ""Yes, she is... I mean the rose garden, of course. My mom named every one of her girls... thorns and all. But I should get back to town."
You think I have thorns. You haven't seen anything yet.
A flutter of butterflies tickled Allie's stomach. All she could do was manage a smile." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Thanks, Iza...
I like the sparks between Garth (Jeremy) and Allie... They have the perfect personalities to battle with a smile...Glad you enjoyed it!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from ShirleyT1
You've written another great chapter, full of great dialogue between you characters. And I do enjoy the banter between your amazing characters. Great job, and as always you left me wanting more!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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You've written another great chapter, full of great dialogue between you characters. And I do enjoy the banter between your amazing characters. Great job, and as always you left me wanting more!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2021
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Good morning, Shirley,
So pleased that you are enjoying the story and are finding interest in my characters. I like sparks to fly! Thanks again for continuing to follow the story.
Smiles, Carol