Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 20"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
19 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
This is a good chapter that moves the story and makes us dislike Jon even more -- willing to kill his sister to save his own sorry butt. Looks like the FBI agents are prone to slacking -- in prison and in the hospital. Tango won't let Jon out of this one. Fingerprints on remaining chocolates?
The biggest issue with this chapter was the number of times you switched POV without cueing us. Just remember to insert those asterisks. The rest is mostly syntax.
about to meet your Maker -- Although you and I would capitalize Maker, I don't think this thug would be thinking like that, so I wouldn't cap it in his speech. (Two places.)
Spotting Instead, a porcelain vase of red and white carnations, his hand snaked around the vase's neck as he picked it up. -- Needs work. Not parallel with previous sentence. "Instead, after spotting . . . , he snaked his hand around its neck . . . [perhaps a reference to choking to go along with neck?]
"What a beautiful gift -- POV change -- need asterisks
Liz is Allie's best friend -- missing opening "
Are you sure? -- missing opening "
Fannie Mae is my favorite. -- I think you mean Fanny Farmer. (Fannie Mae is a federal home mortgage program.)
Howard, Tango's replacement, leaned against the -- POV change
"Howard." -- now Howard's POV is changing from watching Jon to listening to Stacey
At least a visit with Stacy makes this detail a little less monotonous. -- If these are his thoughts, italicize. Otherwise keep in the narrative with "made."
"Yes, I'll be right there." Jon pulled the candies from his pocket, quickly exchanging them with the ones in the small heart box, and picked up his Bible. He raised his eyes and looked at his sister, "I'm sorry, Cassidy. I tried to warn you." -- you switched POV -- need to offset Jon's POV with asterisks. How did Jon know she'd have an open box of chocolates?
As Jon exited one elevator, Tango was waiting for the doors to close on the one going up. As he watched the priest bustle away, a strange gnawing twisted in his gut. As the elevator doors opened on the fifth floor, Tango rushed toward Room 520, but he knew he was too late. -- As... As ... As ... is awkward -- POV change -- din't Tango rush down the hall INTO room 520?
taking everything and everyone in ==> taking in everything . . .
White foamed bubbled ==> foam
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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This is a good chapter that moves the story and makes us dislike Jon even more -- willing to kill his sister to save his own sorry butt. Looks like the FBI agents are prone to slacking -- in prison and in the hospital. Tango won't let Jon out of this one. Fingerprints on remaining chocolates?
The biggest issue with this chapter was the number of times you switched POV without cueing us. Just remember to insert those asterisks. The rest is mostly syntax.
about to meet your Maker -- Although you and I would capitalize Maker, I don't think this thug would be thinking like that, so I wouldn't cap it in his speech. (Two places.)
Spotting Instead, a porcelain vase of red and white carnations, his hand snaked around the vase's neck as he picked it up. -- Needs work. Not parallel with previous sentence. "Instead, after spotting . . . , he snaked his hand around its neck . . . [perhaps a reference to choking to go along with neck?]
"What a beautiful gift -- POV change -- need asterisks
Liz is Allie's best friend -- missing opening "
Are you sure? -- missing opening "
Fannie Mae is my favorite. -- I think you mean Fanny Farmer. (Fannie Mae is a federal home mortgage program.)
Howard, Tango's replacement, leaned against the -- POV change
"Howard." -- now Howard's POV is changing from watching Jon to listening to Stacey
At least a visit with Stacy makes this detail a little less monotonous. -- If these are his thoughts, italicize. Otherwise keep in the narrative with "made."
"Yes, I'll be right there." Jon pulled the candies from his pocket, quickly exchanging them with the ones in the small heart box, and picked up his Bible. He raised his eyes and looked at his sister, "I'm sorry, Cassidy. I tried to warn you." -- you switched POV -- need to offset Jon's POV with asterisks. How did Jon know she'd have an open box of chocolates?
As Jon exited one elevator, Tango was waiting for the doors to close on the one going up. As he watched the priest bustle away, a strange gnawing twisted in his gut. As the elevator doors opened on the fifth floor, Tango rushed toward Room 520, but he knew he was too late. -- As... As ... As ... is awkward -- POV change -- din't Tango rush down the hall INTO room 520?
taking everything and everyone in ==> taking in everything . . .
White foamed bubbled ==> foam
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Good morning...
I think my head works better in the early morning... I understood almost everything you pointed out, and I should have seen it.
As for the candy...It is Fanny May (not Mae) typo on my part. I love the little mint ones. Mike use to buy them for me all the time.
I believe I fixed it all and changed the confusion. I forgot when we change rooms; we change POV.... asterisks added.
I hope you are doing okay? I haven't had a chat with you lately. I know I need to slow down on the writing, but it's my crutch at the moment. I can only thank you for trying to keep me straight.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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Good morning. Those Fanny's get confusing. I don't know where my head was. Fanny Farmer wrote cookbooks. I've never seen Fanny May chocolates. They may be regional. I had a school bus driver named Harry Fanny -- for real. My orthodontist was Dr. Buck.
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LOl... As for the candies, they are yummy, but I haven't had any since Mike passed. I did go to our favorite restaurant with Carissa the other day...It was nice. So maybe I'll have to stop and buy some candies. Forward bound!
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Always forward. I'm working on a story for a contest. My last couple have bombed. I'll have to do better this time. :-) Fiction doesn't come easily to me.
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When it comes to contests, especially blind ones, I have little thoughts of winning. Good luck!
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The voting booth is fickle. It's always a crap shoot to enter. You never know what's selling on any given day, and very few people vote.
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Yes even in the big contests I see that compared to how many people are on the site...very few are voting.
Comment from Patty Palmer
Oh, wow! I can't believe that Jon actually went through with switching Cassidy's candy for the poisonous candy he had hidden in his robe. Killing his only sister. That's really low. He killed innocent Stacey. At the end of the chapter, I wanted to yell at the nurse. Don't eat the candy! Thanks for another great chapter to this book.
Patty
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Oh, wow! I can't believe that Jon actually went through with switching Cassidy's candy for the poisonous candy he had hidden in his robe. Killing his only sister. That's really low. He killed innocent Stacey. At the end of the chapter, I wanted to yell at the nurse. Don't eat the candy! Thanks for another great chapter to this book.
Patty
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Stacy is teetering between a miracle and dying... I think flushing her body and poison antidotes might save her. As for Jon, I don't know if anything can save him, but maybe he'll do something right in the end.
Getting involved with the characters is good! LOL
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
I'm guessing cyanide--I've read a lot of true crime books and spasming and foaming at the mouth are the result--alas, it's so quick-acting, too late to save them--antidote is moot. Stunning piece--brutal beating scene--you nailed it start to finish.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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I'm guessing cyanide--I've read a lot of true crime books and spasming and foaming at the mouth are the result--alas, it's so quick-acting, too late to save them--antidote is moot. Stunning piece--brutal beating scene--you nailed it start to finish.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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I am hoping to fudge just a little and without mentioning the poison and having Stacy right there in the hospital she can teeter on the brink but not die.
Smiles, Carol
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I figured as much!
Comment from Wendy G
So dramatic it gave me goose bumps!! What a story! I can't see how Cassidy is going to come through all this, but she will, and just in time. The priest - hmm, words fail me. But of course he sold his soul long ago. Very well written! Looking forward with anticipation to the next dramatic chapter!
Wendy
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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So dramatic it gave me goose bumps!! What a story! I can't see how Cassidy is going to come through all this, but she will, and just in time. The priest - hmm, words fail me. But of course he sold his soul long ago. Very well written! Looking forward with anticipation to the next dramatic chapter!
Wendy
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Yes, Jon is doomed and he will have one chance down the road to save his soul from total damnation...not prison but in God's forgiving eyes. I wonder if he will take it.
Smiles and hugs for your wonderful review and the stars! Awesome!!
Always, Carol
Comment from lyenochka
I hope she was joking about the candy! You really got me tensed up with this one. I was thinking the candy was spelling trouble and it could not have been from Liz in the first place. Then the flirtatious nurse with the dopey guard spelled trouble. And the awful beating of Jon - why does he just go to the police at this point? He'd be safer with them! Scary stuff!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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I hope she was joking about the candy! You really got me tensed up with this one. I was thinking the candy was spelling trouble and it could not have been from Liz in the first place. Then the flirtatious nurse with the dopey guard spelled trouble. And the awful beating of Jon - why does he just go to the police at this point? He'd be safer with them! Scary stuff!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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No it was only meant to look like it was from Liz...Jon has sold his soul and he'll be given one last chance to redeem it...not from prison but with the Lord. Hopefully he takes it!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Carol Clark2
So... How did Stacy get the poison? So much happened in this chapter. It looks like Cassidy has avoided the candy thus far. Is there any hope for Jon to turn things around and do right? Hmm... I know, just wait and see. LOL.
Carol
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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So... How did Stacy get the poison? So much happened in this chapter. It looks like Cassidy has avoided the candy thus far. Is there any hope for Jon to turn things around and do right? Hmm... I know, just wait and see. LOL.
Carol
Comment Written 06-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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She took a bite of the candy... while Cassidy slept. the reaction was quick and we will hope she is teetering on the edge... a miracle for her recovery. And Jon ...he's sold his soul but he will have one last chance to redeem himself with the Lord (not prison). Wonder if he will seize it?
Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
Another scary chapter. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for Jon. He it being forced to try to kill his own sister. How bad was the poison in that candy. Did you kill the nurse or will she survive? Nicely written and very dramatic.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Another scary chapter. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for Jon. He it being forced to try to kill his own sister. How bad was the poison in that candy. Did you kill the nurse or will she survive? Nicely written and very dramatic.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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No, I shall fudge a bit and she will teeter on the edge, but miraculously survive. (Smiles)
As for Jon...he's sold his sold but will have one last chance to make things right with the Lord (not prison though). Hopefully he takes it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
So Jon's been threatened by someone who is residing with evil. And managed to "get at Cassidy" but in fact did he? He has escaped in the lift, and he's fled from there, I would like to think his ways have changed, that the word of God has made its unwavering impression on his heart. I found this episode a bit confusing Carol Beautifully written, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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So Jon's been threatened by someone who is residing with evil. And managed to "get at Cassidy" but in fact did he? He has escaped in the lift, and he's fled from there, I would like to think his ways have changed, that the word of God has made its unwavering impression on his heart. I found this episode a bit confusing Carol Beautifully written, blessings Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Jon will get one last chance to redeem his soul and I pray that he accepts it...He'll face prison, of course, but facing the Lord is a far greater story. Sorry I confused you...Jon chose his life over his sisters and bent to Mason once again by trying to poison her.....his days are numbered for sure. He'll see the light but will he accept it?
Smiles, Carol
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Silly boy
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Nooo!! She can't have a candy! She'll be the next one, like poor Stacy! That Jon will fry in hell for eternity after what he's done, or tried to do to his own sister. They are determined to kill her off, aren't they? You story is so exciting, Carol, it's good to see you are back on the ball! Well done, my clever friend. Love and hugs! :)) Sandra xxx
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reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Nooo!! She can't have a candy! She'll be the next one, like poor Stacy! That Jon will fry in hell for eternity after what he's done, or tried to do to his own sister. They are determined to kill her off, aren't they? You story is so exciting, Carol, it's good to see you are back on the ball! Well done, my clever friend. Love and hugs! :)) Sandra xxx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2021
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Yes, Cassidy knows too much and Mason isn't sure just how much. He has Jon under his thumb and he is using it to his full advantage. Jon will have one last chance to redeem is soul but I don't know whether he will take it.
Smiles, Carol